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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says we are heading for a divorce.....

102 replies

Kidsarebetterthanchocolate · 03/03/2016 08:01

DH is in the spare room as apparently my cold is stopping him sleep. He is a bad sleeper any way.

This morning he was in a foul mood and walked into our room spotted a child in the bed and went off on one about how we are heading for a divorce.

Apparently I spend all my time on the kids and he is forgotten. We spend no time together and it is all my fault.

I am not perfect. I am well aware.

My husband has a very stressful job and is either working away or out of the house 6.50am - 8 or 9pm. He then often takes calls and does more work. He works a lot at the weekend. I am a SAHM.

We have 4 kids - aged 1 -12.

We live along way from family and have only lived in the area 18 months (moved from overseas) so although I know a lot of people to say hi to I know practically no one who could babysit.

I feel like Cinderella - in so far as I seem to spend all my time clearing up after someone (DH as bad as kids), cooking, helping with homework etc etc. I never leave the kitchen/diner in an evening.

My husband is bad tempered and has brief moments of being fun dad - mostly ignores/ shouts at kids and occasional losing it moments were he is too rough with them. I feel like a referee - DH apologise to ds1 you have hurt him etc etc.

Sorry waffle.

I have a bad tempered husband, I'm not exactly loving life myself.

I don't know what to change and I don't know how.

Is everyone like me?

Thank you anyone who has managed to get this far.......

OP posts:
tomatodizzy · 03/03/2016 12:50

I don't have much to say, but I live and have lived overseas, have four children and have a husband that worked in a high stress job currently gone back to it for a month but mostly left it behind now. While our house is probably a bit more shouty than most due to the level of everyone trying to be heard or four children doing different things or someone's life being totally unfair because they are older/younger/have shorter hair etc it is certainly not a house where children are bullied.

You say you are better when he is away. That should tell you alot about your situation. My DH is currently in Africa and I feel like suddenly I am doing twice as much. We are two adults caring for four children, unfortunatly OP I think you are one adult caring for five children. It is not an easy decision to make. But many many women do it, there is no need for you and your children to live in a house where you are nervous incase you upset a bully.

Flowers and I hope you get through this!

longdiling · 03/03/2016 12:54

I would go further than saying he's bullying the kids, it sounds like abuse to me. He's hitting them, grabbing them and tripping them up. The effect on them has been so bad that the school have picked up on it. How far would he have to go before you'd be willing to divorce op? How damaged do the kids have to get?

AgathaF · 03/03/2016 12:58

I'm sure it's stress when he goes for the kids. One of the only compliments he gives me is that I have a lot of patience. He doesn't beat them but he grabs them, or gives them a clip round the ear or makes them trip up - it's done with anger and it upsets them (and me). I have already been called into school as the headteacher and a teacher had concerns about ds1 as he is nervous - this is just awful. The school raising these issues already is such a big concern too. You really need to consider very carefully whether it's a good thing to stay with this man who is having a negative effect on your children's wellbeing. It sound like his treatment of them is having a detrimental effect on them, and will continue to do so as they grow older. In time your children may well question why you allowed this to happen to them.

Your H sounds like a typical abuser. He can easily manage to put on the friendly facade at work, treat people well, socialise with them. Yet the people that should mean the most to him are way down the pecking order. Is this what you want from your relationship?

You mention that he spends lots on clothes etc. Does he spend on you too, or not so much?

I really would urge you to consider the alternative of staying with this man. It just sounds like a miserable existence for you and your children.

LineyReborn · 03/03/2016 12:59

A grown man who trips up his own children in anger - you mean he kicks his leg out and makes them fall over onto the floor?

That is really abusive.

tipsytrifle · 03/03/2016 13:03

His treatment of the dc sounds malicious and abusive. He doesn't really care that much for them, does he? Deliberately tripping them up and a ds so anxious that school has concerns?

He's also utterly dismissive of you and women in general, a power player I expect. Like affairs and flings would be sport for him, much like the tennis.

I think you might find it hard to keep on with this marriage as your eyes open wider to the really ugly nightmare you're cocooned in. Would it be sensible to do some legal checking and safeguarding of finances should he, as TheStoic suggested, turn out to have put you on notice. Do you have money of your own? Can you create an independent stash?

How do you actually feel about his affair(s?). You mentioned it almost as a passing minor irritation and then say you'd like to avoid divorce. You may have a pleasant enough life materially but joy and happiness are huge sacrifices to make, and it isn't just you; it's the dc too. Endurance can carry you along for years but things/people start to break under the strain. Just be aware and careful in your choices.

Believeitornot · 03/03/2016 13:08

For the treatment of your children alone you should leave him

The children will blame you if you don't! As well as him.

Joysmum · 03/03/2016 13:14

He wouldn't be good enough as a husband and father for me. I'm wondering why you don't feel the same as he sounds vile Sad

Justforthisfred · 03/03/2016 13:16

Think about this question, really hard, be honest with yourself. You don't need to answer it on here, but you do need to think about the answer honestly.

You said...

*When my husband is away life is so much more pleasant for everyone. Thank you actually reading your responses has helped put me in a - 'divorce wouldn't be the worst thing' frame of mind.

Although I'd like to avoid that.*

The question is: WHY?

LineyReborn · 03/03/2016 13:16

How can you not know that this relationship and family life is so very far from normal, OP? How was life for you growing up?

I'm sorry, btw - it all sounds horrible.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 03/03/2016 13:18

The whole situation sounds like a recipe for disaster, even for the strongest of couples.

He works way too much and must be exhausted.

You have 4 kids and no help. You must also be exhausted.

TBH, I'm not sure that any relationship would be great, under these circumstances.

You need to make some big life changes, I think.

If you can afford it, I'd get some help in. I'd get a cleaner. I'd find a babysitter - there will be loads in your area, there are always kids in their late teens looking for money on the side.

When he gets in at 8pm, I'd be telling him no more work. Kids should be almost ready for bed by then. You should make the time to have a relaxing dinner together and reconnect. And go out for dinner now and again (cue babysitter).

You both need more "me" time and "couple" time.

spankhurst · 03/03/2016 13:20

The deliberate hurting of the kids is an deal breaker, OP. If you don't remove them from the situation soon they will start to wonder why you didn't.
I have a friend whose father was abusive and is now NC with her mum mainly because she (the mum) didn't protect her.

longdiling · 03/03/2016 13:23

I wouldn't want couple time with a man who was smacking my kids around...

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 03/03/2016 13:23

Oh shit. I posted before I saw your Update.

Please ignore my previous advice. On reading your update, he's not worth the bother!

He sounds like a total and utter twat. And a bully.

I'd ask him to leave, asap.

PitPatKitKat · 03/03/2016 13:26

Jesus Christ, just fucking run.

For the first couple of lines of your original post I was thinking "well, sleep deprivation can a make anyone a bit irrational". But then I read the rest of your fist post and your updates.

Works long hours, but time for friends, uses porn, rough with kids, horrible to you, ready to set you to work whenever you have a spare minute.

Get the hell out of dodge pet.

hownottofuckup · 03/03/2016 13:26

Deliberately tripping your children up in anger is really not OK, it's immensely cruel and vindictive.
The best thing that could happen for you and your children would be divorce.
Start preparing and getting everything together, a much kinder and happier future is possible for you and your children.

PitPatKitKat · 03/03/2016 13:27

Oh and affair(s). What a fucking prize.

LoveBoursin · 03/03/2016 13:29

When DH is away, life is so much more pleasant

Remember that one and ask yourself if this is the life you want.

Tbh I know he has been saying you are heading for divorce but I'm not convinced, seeing his history, that it is really what he wants. I suspect it's more about making you frightened that he wil leave and therefore will do more of what HE wants, ie 'looking after him' when he is actually at home, which doesn't look very often.

And YY about dc1 been nervous. Your dc is telling you something important there. Your DH isn't just not very nice to be around. He is scaring them...

shovetheholly · 03/03/2016 13:30

The thing that leaps out at me is not the affair, or even the rough physical disciplining of the children. (Though either of those things alone would be more than sufficient argument to LTB).

It's the fact that you know he chooses not to spend time with you. That he can find time for other things, but not for the family. That he deliberately stays away.

This man is essentially choosing to keep you a small part of his life. While you struggle to raise the kids and do everything else. Don't you think you deserve someone who is a bit more interested in being a full-time husband and father? (I don't mean someone who is always there, but someone who wants to rush home at the end of the day to be with you all?)

Also, it strikes me that his purchasing all kinds of luxury goods for himself while you struggle is not exactly fair. What about buying in some help around the house, to give you a chance at self-fulfillment outside of the family, whatever that means to you. Because kids grow up, and one day they will be gone - and you need to be whole enough as a person, with enough richness in your life, to be able to sustain yourself.

LoveBoursin · 03/03/2016 13:31

Btw, I'm not sure what is the situation re finances and especially if you actually know exactely what is going on there.
But if you don't know a lot or think you don't know everything, then I would take the 'job' he is giving you. It will give you an insight you wouldn't be getting otherwise.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2016 13:32

His life sounds miserable. But so does yours stuck at home looking after four children while your husband is away a lot. I think you have to both rethink how things can be improved. Because carrying on like this sounds dreadful. Just read he trips the kids up. No way should you stand for that. Maybe divorce is the way to go. I wouldn't stay with somebody who did that.

MerryMarigold · 03/03/2016 13:33

OP, I bet your ds is anxious because he doesn't know how his Dad is going to react. I bet he blossoms when you are no longer around this man. Sad but also Smile for a more positive future for your children.

By the way, he praises your patience because it makes him feel like his reactions are 'normal' and yours are just so amazingly patient. Actually you are normal and he is horribly unkind/ angry/ abusive.

Heirhelp · 03/03/2016 13:34

Your children are being physically abused.

If you fail to protect them from your husband the maybe taken into care for their protection.

MerryMarigold · 03/03/2016 13:35

I bet people make him angry at work. He sounds like quite an angry person. But I bet he wouldn't let them see it, and he certainly wouldn't trip anyone up or clip them round the ear. Why are work colleagues more precious than your children?

TwoKettles · 03/03/2016 13:41

Just reading this, and I've remembered my dad kicking out at me a time or two. Not only do i think this is unacceptable, but now I'm thinking, "what was my mum DOING, allowing him to behave like this to me?". I was about 7.

If he's a high earner, get your ducks in a row, if you've got a lot of equity you should be able to get somewhere decent for you and the kids, and also get copies of savings, pension statements etc. Maybe get cashback every time you go to the supermarket and get yourself a bit of a cushion.

Good luck. Let the Tiger Mum emerge!

FreakinScaryCaaw · 03/03/2016 13:45

Your bar is set so low Sad

I really feel for your dcs.

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