DH says we are heading for a divorce.....

[Kidsarebetterthanchocolate]

DH is in the spare room as apparently my cold is stopping him sleep. He is a bad sleeper any way.

This morning he was in a foul mood and walked into our room spotted a child in the bed and went off on one about how we are heading for a divorce.

Apparently I spend all my time on the kids and he is forgotten. We spend no time together and it is all my fault.

I am not perfect. I am well aware.

My husband has a very stressful job and is either working away or out of the house 6.50am - 8 or 9pm. He then often takes calls and does more work. He works a lot at the weekend. I am a SAHM.

We have 4 kids - aged 1 -12.

We live along way from family and have only lived in the area 18 months (moved from overseas) so although I know a lot of people to say hi to I know practically no one who could babysit.

I feel like Cinderella - in so far as I seem to spend all my time clearing up after someone (DH as bad as kids), cooking, helping with homework etc etc. I never leave the kitchen/diner in an evening.

My husband is bad tempered and has brief moments of being fun dad - mostly ignores/ shouts at kids and occasional losing it moments were he is too rough with them. I feel like a referee - DH apologise to ds1 you have hurt him etc etc.

Sorry waffle.

I have a bad tempered husband, I'm not exactly loving life myself.

I don't know what to change and I don't know how.

Is everyone like me?

Thank you anyone who has managed to get this far.......

He'll be an area during the divorce and no doubt hide financial stuff. But a house with a lot of equity is hard to hide, and a director is likely to have a healthy pension.

He hurts your kids, he has affairs (one is enough anyway, but I'd put money on their being more).

So take a deep breath and say "you're right - we are headed for divorce. Brave of you to call it, honey".

4 1/2 years ago I left a man who (apart form the work ethic) sounds just like your "D"H. My older 2 (of 4) children were also nervous and easily upset. My children were occasionally hurt either "accidentally" or as part of "discipline".

My home life sounded like yours and i inexplicably wanted to avoid divorce. These men pick their partners well...strong women who hold marriage in high regard and who work to keep the family together, everyone happy and who sacrifice themselves to keep everything running.

4 1/2 years after I told him to go I can tell you I have no regrets. My children are thriving. We are happy in a way that I couldn't have envisaged. IT IS EASIER looking after 4 Dc on my own than it was having him around. He is still the same but even with contact (only the youngest 2, the older 2 went to the judge and refused) which is stressful and still upsets the DC i would not go back.

Take your courage in your hands, read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?", or head over to this thread and read the links at the top. see whether you recognise the patterns.

I used to think all children deserved a home with both parents in it. Now I know all children deserve and need a safe and loving home with only the people in it that keep them safe and loved.

Oh my god. Kick him out. He says you're heading for a divorce! He is using it as a veiled threat so you pander to him.

He's hardly ever there anyway and when he is he bullies the children.

He didn't want to hurt the feelings of the OW when he had an affair, but didn't a shit about hurting you.

He trips the children up on purpose!!!!!

He is an abusive arsehole and your children will grow up thinking this is the model of an adult relationship.

You need to think about how your life will be another few years down the line. Do you think you will be happier, or more miserable.

Life is too short to spend it with somebody who treats you and your kids like dickheads.

Sorry, no advice but this all sounds very crap.

The fact he trips up his kids!

Please read the good advice from others and make a good life for yourselves.

Please be smart, get all your ducks in a row, financially, whatever before you do anything. make sure you know what the situation is.

Be nice to you and your kids.

He trips up his kids deliberately?!?!?! That is awful! Think about what this is doing to your kids. This is more than reason enough to leave him, never mind the affair on top.

He's a bad, abusive, bullying father and if you stay with him you're complicit in that.

OP, I have to say, my parents did beat me, and I still got this face when I saw that he trips up your children. Someone who beats their children can bullshit themselves that they are disciplining them; someone who trips their children up must know that they are just assaulting them.

You deserve better than this op.

Your children are still young enough to learn what a normal loving family home is like.

You can give that to them, but it's unlikely to be with him.

I can totally relate to this At various points over the last few years I could have written this post. My husband works in a very stressful job, long hours, history of anxiety. I only have 1 child but work 4 days a week and all the domestic tasks from cooking to booking holidays falls to me. We have our ups and downs - I am worried about how we are going to survive into our empty nest years we have so little left for each other once everyone else has had their piece. Things are better I notice when we are solvent too

Badtime makes a good point.

Tripping them up is simply nasty and spiteful. This is NOT a good man.

good grief..."He doesn't beat them but he grabs them, or gives them a clip round the ear or makes them trip up - it's done with anger and it upsets them (and me). I have already been called into school as the headteacher and a teacher had concerns about ds1 as he is nervous."

did you tell the teacher what is going on at home? were you honest? they can refer you to people who can help local dv support etc.

get your finances in order,
get copies of all paper work for the house business properties etc.
do you have joint bank account?
get your own, put money in it
do you know how much he earns and his assets?

take all info to a solicitor and file for divorce

you absolutely need to divorce and get your dc away from this man.
he is only around a short time n the week/weekends but manages to be extremely nasty to them and you

the "i will divorce you/we are heading for divorce" is intended to make you say oh no please no...he doesnt mean it. it's bullying.

when you do go for divorce he will try to make your life hell...get your paperwork in order and dont let on you want a divorce until you have everything you need in order.

go to babysitters.uk or nanny agency or some such book a baby sitter or qualified nanny and book two hours with a lawyer. not knowing anyone who can babysit is irrelevant you pay people to do this and a professional nanny will be fine with kids they dont know.

understand that you are minimizing what he is doing to your dc (~"he doesnt beat them but..." because presumably you believe divorce would be the worst thing...it isnt.
this is the worst thing
what memories will they have when they look back on growing up?

Your husband is an abusive man, to you and to your children. You need to protect your kids from him. Please contact Women's Aid for advice on how to proceed. You all deserve so much more.

Some really good advice/observations on here.

I understand that the divorce route is a big decision and the process can be horrendous and your DH doesn't sound like someone who will play nicely with that process. In fact, he will probably behave like a total bully because you are taking control away from him and men like him don't like that.

At the moment, there are no consequences for his behaviour, even to the fact that he had an affair. He does exactly as he pleases and he believes that life should remain like that. The one thing that strikes me is that he would appear to have absolutely no respect for you and your family whatsoever. I'm sure his colleagues in work wouldn't think he was so fantastic if they saw him deliberately trip up one of his kids.

Are you living the life you deserve? Are your kids? Is this the example of a marriage and family life that you want for your children? I don't think it is "stress" when he goes for the kids. It sounds like he is just a nasty bully who takes him anger/temper/resentment out on those that aren't in a position to defend themselves.

It's tough being on your own and raising kids but what I will tell you is that it's far less tough to do everything yourself than do everything yourself whilst resenting someone else for not doing their share.

Do you even have time for a hobby or to do something for yourself? Do you buy yourself nice things or does he not like you spending money on yourself?

As a first step, I would find a good solicitor and have an initial consultation. That, in itself, will make you feel better as you're taking control of the situation. Compile a file of all financials and make sure you know exactly what you own and what bank accounts, savings, investments you have. Obviously, don't tell him any of this. You may not decide to proceed to a divorce but in the event that you do, you must have full knowledge of everything so you can secure what is rightfully yours.

And you're absolutely right about your DH being insecure. People who are secure and feel good about themselves don't bully their children or treat their wives like an unpaid servant.

One of the difficulties for you and your kids is that, without realising it, you are all walking on egg shells because you can never know what mood he is going to be in today. So all of you are modifying your behaviour in the hope that he won't lose his temper. He is creating toxic and negative energy in your home and the impact of that on your kids and yourself is enormous.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope things work out for you.

The first thing I thought (from experience of that behaviour and the all hours at work) was he's having an affair. He has to find fault with you to justify it in his own head. Then I see he's got previous for it! Leave. Whether or not he's doing it again, you're happier without him, he's a complete arse to you and his presence adds nothing but extra washing to your existence.

You might find he's better with the kids after you split, because his time with them will then be precious, and not something to resent.

I don't usually comment on these threads, as I don't have much knowledge to base any advice on. And I would usually be trying to be terribly fair and say to think about the stress he's under, work on spending time together etc etc.

But could you ever ever want to still be with a man who has been, and has the potential to be in the future, aggressive to your children like this? Even if you could sort out lots of the other problems For me, that would be the deal breaker.

I had a friend when I was in my early twenties, and I always got the impression her father was like this. He was busy, high earning, successful. I visited her family home a few times and they always seemed to be tiptoeing around their father - he was the dominant presence in their house. If only they hadn't had to live like that.

I would think about divorce if I was you.

He's abusive.

Anyone who tripped my DC deliberately would fucking well never get to do so again.

Divorce sounds ideal.

Also, the fact the school has flagged this is a huge red flag! Be careful you don't have a situation where your children tell the teachers about the abuse - you'll be seen as an enabler. I'm not kidding.

Your DS is already suffering significantly. What are you waiting for?

Women's Aid will help you.

make two calls

1. The 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) is available on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It is answered by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers who will answer your call in confidence. All calls to the helpline are free from mobiles and landlines. tell tehm what you said about teh tripping up shouting etc

1. to book an appt with a lawyer/solicitor specializing in divorce and family

what would your 12 year old tell the school safeguarding officer if they spoke to him/her? that might be first step to gathering evidence...

Do what C'estlavielife said

ps agree it is easier without the walking on egg shells.
my exp used to threaten to leave etc..when i did ask him to he refused. I had to leave with 3 dc one disabled.... be careful . get everything in order before you tell him.

I hope you're reading these posts. I hope the scales are falling from your eyes too. It's bound to be upsetting, seeing it written down here in black and white. Look after youself, but please give careful consideration to everything that has been said. If you have any support, friends, family, neighbours that you can trust, please talk to them about this.

an affair

clipping your children around the ear

Grabbing them

Tripping them up

your son is nervous enough the school have flagged it

He doesn't want to spend any time with you

he has no enjoyment in his children.

Why bother?

Your older children will have been in the homes of friends and will see how other fathers behave - it must be horrible for them to know that the way their father treats them is so awful.

And I'd be amazed if that was his only affair. Bet he has had sex with other women since then.

Book an appointment with a solicitor, figure out how to best sort yourself out without him, do it, and then you and your children can relax. My guess is that he will not see your children and will not support them particularly well either - but it will be worth it for you to be free. Good luck

I'd be checking up on him again. Sounds to me like he is trying to justify to himself another affair