parents in law advice

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I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

Thanks rumble. I do believe he loves me, we have been through a lot and he has always shown that when the times have gotten tough I just truly believe the way he is down to them. Obviously it his own fault for letting it happen, but I honestly don't think he can see it. His parents were meddling before, they always told us going for weekends away and holidays were stupid because we would fall out and have no one. And they would just worry the whole time. He was often told even when we were together to not speak to me for weeks on end but he would.

I think the inlaws are screwing you both to be honest - they are on the deeds so it is not your DP's house, it belongs to all 3 of them - so it may even be that he only owns a third. Also you say he put down the deposit - did they pay any deposit too? Can you suggest you look through the deeds/ mortgage papers to discover if the deposit has been ringfenced and how the ownership is split, because if its not detailed then it looks like they have really done a number on him. They either need to remove their names from the deeds or start paying a fair share of the mortgage, including the back payments.

Also I dont get that he has £150 left over a month - OP says he earns £400 a week, so over 52 weeks thats £20, 800. divide that monthly and its £1733. OP says he pays £1250 a month for bills, so has £483 left a month, compared to her £100 if you include the child benefit.

You need to seriously look at this - fairness would be that you pay a couple of hundred less, especially as your money is not being 'invested' into any property that is increasing in equity.

You MAY have a case to put a charge against the property, if you can prove that you have paid all the legal fees and for any fixtures and fittings. The bills will prove you lived there.

Your DP is paying life insurance, but will that cover the whole mortgage if he dropped dead. As next of kin your son might inherit his dads share, but it would probably still be tied in with PIL - you could end up that as kin your PIL end up having your son's share in trust if he was a child, but I wouldnt actually trust them, would you? You of course, would be completely out of the picture legally.

I haven't read the whole thread but your Op really alarmed me. He has put you in a precarious financial position and that is despicable. You have to protect yourself financially. Tell him you want your name on the deeds immediately. You can't compromise.

I have no access to any of the documents, they have them all. Another reason for out big blow out was because the title deeds (well not title deeds cos you don't get them til the house is paid off) the land register got delivered to ours. I left them out for my oh to look at but whilst I was at work they took them as they were watching my son. When I text and asked where they were I got a text saying they had 'forgotten' to tell my oh they took then. I asked them do you not trust us and I got told no cos I'm too messy haha.

I have access to my ohs banking I know what his incomings and outgoings are.

It's not the same as renting op, your dp (and his parents) will have a house at the end of it. You won't. How is that fair?

How is it fair that you have no cash left at the end of the month but he does

How is it fair he is paying for a house for his parents yet you have no legal status to that house for you and your child?

How is it fair they are not paying for half of their share (as that is what they said to the bank ) leaving you skint?

open your eyes cookie your being a mug.

can you answer why your pils don't pay in to a house they told the bank they were doing so and why it's ok for their beloved son to buy them a house.

Yes that isn't fair and I agree with this.

He has cash left at the end of the month that's right, but when I ask for money I get it. He doesn't keep it from me leaving me with absolutely nothing.

The whole house situation yes I don't agree with, it's not fair at all and I hate it.

They won't pay because in their words 'its our house, and it's just a piece of paper at the end of the day '. I argued with them until I'm blue in the face that in fact it is not just a piece of paper.

I don't work at all and I never ask for money I just use it. We have a joint account.

cookie you are being very foolish not financially protecting your self. Yes your man maybe lovely but look at the situation you are in.

You are effectively helping buy your pils house and they are hideous to you.

Lying to the bank about your finances was a very silly thing to do as you can't afford the house. How are you going to save? What are you going to do in any emergencies? What if you fancy a nice holiday ? All your money is funnelled in to your pil/dp house.

I know you love him but you need to take your rose tinted glasses off: he isn't looking out for you.

That's why i want a joint account but in his parents eyes it's a no no. Believe me I realise how stupid this is.

I haven't lied to the bank, it was his parents. We can afford the house?

And also as I have mentioned I have a savings account, which I still save in to. When I was pregnant I saved a lot, and when I took voluntary redundancy I got a lot of money. But, we were supposed to use that for our wedding.

You can't afford the house as if he went by himself to get the mortgage he would have been refused. He doesn't earn enough to secure a £830 a month mortgage. Half of his kney is tied up in a house that he gave half to pil for FREE. All your money is tied up in his house. The small bit of cash left goes in frivolous things or you have to ask for it.

None of this is fair on you.

Do not use those savings for a wedding it will be the worst mistake you make. You are effectively giving him all your money and he is giving fuck all back. Oh yeah- if you ask he will through you a few quid.

Honestly op. Use that money wisely for you and your son. Get financially Stable, you owe it to your child.

Op I honestly wish you luck but I have a feeling your just going to shut the fuck up over this and get mugged off because 'you love him'

Marrying a bloke that screwed you out of your family home to give it to his parents

My pils bought houses for dh and bil years before he met me. When we got married I spent a lot of money decorating and furnishing the house. When I stopped work after having ds, I felt very insecure. We had countless arguments about putting my name on the deeds. The stalemate was broken when we moved with dh's job and had to buy a house. It is in both our names and when we bought a buy to let recently, dh put it 75% in my name. Looking back I can't believe I was in such an insecure position (although friends thought I was lucky that dh had been bought a house). If we had got divorced, I'd have had nothing and if he'd died, I'd have been dependent on the charity of pils. Please protect yourself
You have to do things:
1)Go to a bank/building society and get forms for a joint account. Get your dh to fill it in. It's that simple. Make sure you keep a personal account to save what you can.
2)Tell your dh if he won't put you on the deeds, you'll leave. Explain you need to know you have a roof over your head.
Even married women who have their names on everything get screwed during a divorce. What chance have you got at the moment?

Yes he couldn't do this alone, that is correct. But can you understand from my point of view when I say we were living in a flat unsuitable for a baby, constant damp etc. I wanted out of there for my newborns safety, the pil rustled up this idea of what I have already explained, the house is brand new. I thought we should go for it. Only now the truth has come out about it. I went from thinking I'd be added on, to being told I never will.

Also, of course the wedding is getting canceled. Im not that stupid.

This is a tricky situation for me, very tricky.

In a way it's tricky but in a way it's simple. You need to stop accepting shit from your partner (whether that's coming from his parents or just from him) and start prioritising yourself and your child.

Well, thanks for everyone's advice.

I've been reading toxic inlaws and see an awful lot of similarities already. I quoted a bit to my Oh, changing the names to us etc to show him but all I go back was, yes but I really do think she's just being helpful.

Really don't think he's ever going to see it!

Nope. I think you should give him a copy of Toxic Parents as a parting gift. You never know; in his desperation, he might even read it.

Haha 😂 if only!

God if ever there were someone deep in the FOG it´s him. They´ve programmed him well haven´t they? So after everything that´s gone down with the house/mortgage debacle and how his parents have done a number on you, all he can say is that she´s trying to help! Cos that´s really helpful obviously, how they´ve double-crossed you!

Either your OH is extremely dim or he is infact very astute, conniving and in cahoots with them and was always in the know about how they had this turnaround of saying you´ll be put on the deeds and then ¨No and you never will be¨! Just the fact he didn´t react appropriately ( or at all! ) once he found out that, actually, his soon to be wife will have bugger all entitlement, rights and security and your status is less than that of a tenant!

I´m just curious that he did/said fuck all about that massive betrayal, and all I can come up with is that he knew their plans all along and supported it. You would never have agreed to get this house, presumably, if you´d known all along you would have zero entitlement cos his folks would have their names on the deeds, not you. So you´ve zero assets, security and your OH is totally cool with this? What normal, loving partner would have his future wife treat like this?

I can´t believe anyone could be quite this laidback about it all, unless it´s due to the fact they seen it all coming cos they knew the plans of the parents. I feel you´ve walked right into a trap but it´s him it´ll backfire on cos he´s gonna lose you and his son.

Not to mention be a lonely, sad old man if he never ever addresses his parents´ issues cos no woman would be able to live like this, always playing 2nd fiddle to the over-powering, interfering PIL.

Seriously now, why don´t you show him this thread? Let him read our responses. Because if he´s never gonna read a book, go to a counsellor or listen to you, then I think hearing what others who are impartial have to say about this may actually be your last hope. It might just make a difference? Up to you but can things really get much worse?

You´re trapped and the only way out is to go solo and split. A dose of reality from reading posters on MN may be worth a try. It seems like anything you say to him is like water off a duck´s back cos he´s that hardwired to never go against his folks. W hat have you got to lose?

In my situation, my dh couldn't put my name on the deeds because his weren't on them either. It was all part of his dps controlling him. He could see the need for me to be protected. As soon as we moved away, he started looking for a house to buy so it would be ours. I suspect your dh knew all along they would go back on the agreement and doesn't want you to have a stake in the property

Honestly I'm pretty sure he is just clueless to the wheels situation. He has no say over any of the paperwork that comes through the door. He doesn't even understand it all. Of course, if I found out he did actually indeed know this was the plan I would leave immediately but I am almost certain he's as clueless (or more so) than I am.

I'm actually very tempted to show him all these comments. I can guarantee he won't like what he sees but it might make him think!

Does your dp have a will drawn up, if not then I would encourage him to leave his half of the house to your son if not you. This will ensure that your son inherits your dh's share because I think your pulse will try to take it all for themselves.

I'm thinking that marrying him would entitle you to half of everything should you split & protect you financially. But I see that you are going to cancel the wedding but tbh a quick register office ceremony will make you legally entitled to half of his assets. Currently as an unmarried partner in this relationship you stand to gain nothing but if married you do. I think you need to consult a solicitor for legal advice here. Better to marry & divorce with an entitlement to some financial payback than none at all.

You could put some boundaries in place to keep the in laws at bay on a practical level. For example:

• Bolt the door from inside or change the locks to prevent them coming in unannounced. Claim you lost previous set if questioned and don't give them another set if you can.

• All personal paperwork to be filed in a metal box and stored in a safe place/loft etc. Key to be kept by you

• Reset all the passwords for banks/utilities etc that they know about

• Have all post redirected to a PO box or your parents for the foreseeable future (a bit extreme but if anyone asks you could always say postal fraud etc).

• I think the conveyancing solicitors should have a copy of the paperwork, your dp could ask for copies.

You really need to seek legal advice, tell them everything you've said here. Don't discuss your ans with your dp just yet in case he tells his parents.

It sounds like he's been infantilised, his parents haven't allowed him to have any separation or independence from them, and the process of separation in childhood is the kicking off and tantrums and stropping - I'll bet he was never allowed to do any of that. And he's probably been programmed from early childhood that mother claiming good intentions mean whatever she does has to be swallowed without him having feelings about it. He's learned to just let it roll. Other posters on MN have described this, and once or twice the dh has later described what it was like: they almost have two states, their usual self in their daily life and the autopilot state they switch to with parents or anything to do with parents.

It's going to be what shocks him enough to realise what he stands to lose if he doesn't have a very serious re think. And very clear language. "I think she's being helpful." - "She is not helping me. She is making me want to leave. She is invading my space. She is not willing to treat us as independent adults. Good intentions don't excuse it or make it ok."

Basically it's making it clear that no change is not an option, you are not prepared to muddle on with his parents and let him keep the comfortable status quo. The hard part is that to realise that what his mother is doing is not ok and is not as loving as he hopes it is will be very difficult and painful and it won't be something he will want to do - unless he wants to have another relationship more, and understands that the consequences of upsetting you are worse for him than the consequences of upsetting his parents.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard position, none of which is your making and over which you've got limited control.

Does your dp have a will drawn up, if not then I would encourage him to leave his half of the house to your son if not you. This will ensure that your son inherits your dh's share because I think your pulse will try to take it all for themselves.

.... be a bit wary there. Thinking of a Mnetter with a dh similarly fogged, and PiL were setting up a will behind her back where everything passed to the child, and guess who were going to be named the legal guardians? Who would then get to hold everything in trust and make all the decisions, including who was allowed to live in the property, and what income they would permit the wife? Wills need to clearly identify you as the beneficiary to be able to provide for ds, with no strings attached to let PiL take control.

No he doesn't have a will yet.

His mother's interpretations of his childhood never seem to match the ones of his old school mates. She would tell me stories of how in other people's houses he was told not to leave her side and stay quiet etc but at school he was always causing mischief and getting into trouble. Perhaps he felt the need to act out at school?