parents in law advice

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I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

I don't think you have many options other than to give him a shock and leave, his reaction will tell you everything.

You do need to be strong and you need to follow through on your threat.
Or agree that you need to be away from him and his family for a certain amount of time and then you'll meet up to discuss where things go from there.
The fact you aren't married is not good.
You need to get out there and set up on your own. He will never agree to setting up with you while his parents keep getting inside his head.
I think you can wave your invested money goodbye. Or you could ask your DP to pay that back to you in installments so you can rent somewhere.

Who's name is on the deeds? Your pil? Your dp? Both?
What did your dp say to his parents when they went back on their agreement? Did he stand up to them?
How do they stop you getting a joint bank account? They can't be with you 24/7. How does his mum access his mail? Does she have a key to the house?

I'd be requesting eithet a proper tenancy agreement so they can't just turn up if they don't want you to own the house or be making sure dp is aware that if he doesn't start standing up to them he will lose you.

I do have a little something set aside as I took voluntary redundancy from my last job. This money was supposed to be for our wedding next year where I and my parents have already paid deposits down for a lot of stuff. My parents have advised me to cancel that before I lose anymore, and if we do work it out and still want to get married in the future we can have a small do instead.

Sorry but you're a mug for paying the legal fees for someone ELSE to buy a house in their name and not yours!

Maybe you could get some legal advice on the house situation. If you have contributed to the mortgage or any work or maintenance on the house, you may be able to claim an interest in it. Rights of Women have a free legal helpline you can call.

I think you should move out temporarily and get couple's counselling in the meantime. Only move back in together if you're making progress in counselling and if he agrees to sort out the house situation. You must insist on being co-owners without his parents being on the mortgage or deeds. That means selling the house or buying them out. And your partner should pay the legal fees this time!!

How old is he? Cos re-reading your prev post it sounds like he´s about 17yrs! Running around in a cleaning frenzy, telling you not to dob him in to his mammy for speaking to someone he´s not allowed to or telling her what he´s been spending his money on?!! WTF? That´s bonkers behaviour. What does he think´s gonna happen? That she´ll put him on the Naughty Step?

He doesn´t sound like a grown man with emotional maturity at all, more like a snivelling child who´s shitting themselves that their mother might ( shock, horror! ) disapprove! It´s not normal. Has he not cut the apron strings yet? Clearly not. But you can´t change him, unless you give him the ultimatum and hope it shocks him into awakening from his passive, compliant role in this farcical family dynamic.

You can hand him a book on toxic parents but he has to actually read the thing. You can insist he sees a therapist but he has to actually go and be forthcoming in the sessions, not just to keep you happy.

Do your family live nearby? Tell him he either grows a pair and starts being empathetic towards your predicament ( I still can´t believe he didn´t go ape when they backed out of the whole mortgage agreement thing and proceeded to call you a liar by denying they ever said they would withdraw and put your name on after a yr! ) or you´re gonna move in with your folks to reconsider what to do next cos living like this, and with such a wet blanket for a partner must be fucking soul destroying tbh!

If he didn´t jump to my defence over the mortgage thing, and be suitably incensed at the blatent lies from his parents, that alone would´ve been a dealbreaker for me to be frank. Instead he just sits back and allows them total control over his life while he takes a back seat? Not on! If he truly loves you, the threat of leaving and going to your parents´ should be enough to at least get him to listen and be more amenable to changing the situation so that you´re happy. But your happiness doesn´t appear to be remotely on his list of priorities. Maybe do as a pp did, pack a suitcase and put it in the hall. Then tell him you´re leaving. See what he does.

The title deeds are in my partners and his parents names, I've seen this myself.

They used to have a key for the house which I got back but who's to say they didn't get a spare cut! I work all weekend and they need to come over on a Sunday to watch my son for an hour and if I've left in a hurry and left any mail out she will get her hands on it.

Cross post. I've just seen that you're planning a wedding... Well, it would give you legal protection and a share of the marital assets. But is it really a good idea to tie yourself to this man any further while he's still enmeshed with his toxic parents?! It will be even harder to leave - and divorce costs money!

Op, he won't stand up to his parents because he doesn't want to. Yes, he may have been conditioned to act in a certain way with them etc, but the truth is that he does still have a choice. he is an adult, and he is choosing them over you, and worse, over his child.

And you have choices as well. While you are prepared to give in when he breaks down, this essentially is just giving him time to do nothing. Rather than telling him you're leaving unless he sticks up for you, you need to tell him you're leaving. until he sticks up for you. His actions over the past four years have shown that he's not prepared to do that, so now is the time for you to take action.

You have no rights in your own home, and before too long your child will grow up and be witness to the way his parents treat you, and worse, may develop a good relationship with them which excludes you, especially if his dad is part of that.

You're using them for childcare - WTF?!
Can't your partner look after his own son at the weekend?
If not can't you get a childminder or babysitter?
Anyone but the in-laws!

If I were you I'd look in to your property rights. I think that if you live in a house (even if you're not married to the owner) and have contributed to paying for it (which possibly could include the fees you paid, contributions to fittings etc) you may have some legal rights over the property. Citizens advice used to offer free initial advice on this sort of thing (I assume they still do). This could help you in making your decisions and if you do have rights perhaps PIL realising this might show them that they don't call all the shots.

It sounds to me like PIL for some reason don't want your relationship to work (probably don't want him in a relationship with anyone but them?). Otherwise why would they want to own part of your home rather than, say, lending him the money or guaranteeing his loan. Even if they wanted to 'protect' DP's cash (presumably against you splitting up and taking half the house) I'm not sure why they need to own part of the home instead of DP owning it alone with their financial help. Maybe you could ask DP this and see if it helps him see that PIL are not being as lovely and helpful as he thinks.

cookie I would go to your parents and stop paying the utility bills. This is only continuing because your allowing yourself to be treated like this.

my exSIL took 18 years of bullying off my mil before she devorced BIL then mil turned her sights on me. What was horrible to watch was how she behaved around her dgc and undermined their mother. It was like a constant drip drip and no one batted an eye.

Eg. When dn (10) wanted go somewhere that his mother had already approved and mil found out she she told him he wasnt allowed to go and dropped him off at our house because she 'actually loved him and cared too much to let him get in danger' - implying that his mother didn't. I had to walk out because every fucker was just sat there slack jawed.

Every one thought she was a great grandmother though because she bought them expensive presents

Think very carefully about your self esteem and what this woman will do to it and the position you will get relegated to when your DC are involved

Also I'd stop her looking after your son. Because you need her to do stuff she thinks she can pull your strings. My mil is exactly the same!

Oh poor you, this must be living hell. These sound like extremely controlling people. They need to let go of their son and let him live his life. Have you ever thought about moving to another house/area together, so that it would be a little too far for them to pop in? Or asking them politely to ring before they come to your house? Perhaps you should try barging in to her house and giving her toilet and bathroom a clean to see how she likes it!! More seriously I think a really long, sensible chat with your partner without anyone losing it is needed, he has to know how unhappy you are and what the consequences of his parents act could lead to. Maybe that will give him the backbone he needs to stand up to them once and for all.

If you plan to marry be careful and check paperwork very thoroughly, plus ensure there aren't documents you are unaware of. A mnetter in a similar situation discover PiL had manipulated their son, got him to a solicitors behind his wife's back to disinherit her and have his property pass to them in event of his death and to limit his liabilities in a divorce. He had been convinced that this was all fine and normal.

In your current situation I really would have your own house, own finances, own territory and he can visit all he wants but you are safe from machinations and manipulation. PiL and by extension your dp as he will do as he is told and be convinced by them it's for the best, cannot be trusted. If dp wants to change that in time, he can earn your trust with his actions, but do not make yourself vulnerable.

You have a partner problem and so do I. I have similar situation. My husband is keeping MIL away from me at the moment. He was trained to put his single poor helpless mum before anyone else and feels disloyal when he goes against her wishes. When same things happen to me, he believes it is causing an inconvenience only. Deep down he doesn't want his mum to compromise. I'm sure my husband doesn't want to stand for me at the end of the day. I'm still learning to be stronger and plan to divorce this year. If you are stronger, walk away and cut your loss. I don't think I now want my husband to change now. It doesn't feel genuine. He has promised before, even in writing but didn't stick to anything agreed when MIL had a tantrum about unfair treatment to her.

No I really wouldn't marry him. And if your parents are telling you not to marry him then you know that you're not alone in thinking the way you do. But once you're married while you might have some financial securities the reality is that if he can prove that he's put in money into the house and you haven't you may still struggle. Is it really worth it for another couple of years together, bearing in mind that you'll have to be married for at least a year before you can divorce him.

He'll still be liable for maintanence, cut your losses now and walk away, I imagine the amount of equity in the house probably isn't worth the fight anyway given it's only been bought recently and his parents own half. With that in mind you'd only be entitled to 25% of it anyway.

Cancel the wedding, go and stay with your parents and rebuild your life for you and your DS. if he wants to make things work then he will have to put the work in. But I suspect he won't.

Thanks everyone. I realise I have been so stupid in regards to the house. TI have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks. The reason I paid the legal fees was because they were going to do it,and with me thinking I'd be going onto the mortgage anyway I thought no I'd rather do it so they will have had nothing to do with it. Obviously has backfired. I work Saturday and Sunday, my partner works all week and Saturday morning so my parents who live 30 mins away will come out to watch our son until he gets home. That I'm not bothered about, but the Sunday is when he goes to football. They are allowing him to still have a life by watching our son. I often get the chance to work some overtime through the week and because I have no one else to watch him then she does it. But she has since informed me she won't be doing that anymore. I know if we had been married already I would probably be in a better financial state, but looking back I think his parents knew this as they alway tried to put us off. When we booked our wedding they weren't happy and apparently they have been questioning him over it if it's really what he wants. Im 23 and hes 24. But yet they treat him like he's 16. They gave a daughter who moved out at 17 because she was sick of her mother. She is now 19 and expecting a baby and has as little to do with them as possible. I wish my partner would have more or a back bone like her. They seem to think I'm breaking their 'close family bond' but I dunno what planet their on as they aren't close at all.

Don't know what happened there wasn't meant to copy and paste my original post!

You do not want to spend any more years with your man and do not marry him. He is that beholden to his parents that they will never let him go and he does not want to cut the strings. He would rather sacrifice your own self and in turn your son to them because his fear, obligation and guilt is so strong.

I am not at all surprised that his sister left at 17 and has as little to do with them as possible. You are now going to have to do the very same, your son needs to be protected from his toxic grandparents.

My only fear of not letting my son see them is that he will grow up to resent me for that, as my dad feels that way towards his mother for cutting ties with his Granny when he was young

A saying on here is often, if they are too toxic for you to even handle then they are too toxic for your DC!

Yes I suppose that's right I just don't want him thinking I cut him off from that side of his family when he's older. And whilst I'm still with my partner that would be a near impossible thing to do. Part of me wishes I had lived with him before getting pregnant because then I'd have a better insight into their ways. Too late now tho, I'm just more concerned the effect this will have on my son. I don't even know how to go about getting myself a house through the council quickly because staying at my parents wouldn't work long term.

But you're not cutting him off op. If you end this relationship then contact with the paternal grandparents will be down to your DS' father.

Your DS will still have contact with your DP even if you split, so that side of things will be his responsibility and not yours.

Tbh OP I think one thing you need to do as a matter of urgency is see a solicitor.

I doubt your partner has made a will and wrt the the house this is vital.

You need to find out your rights now vs your rights if you married and the impact of him not having a will.

Then work out where you stand and sit down and discuss it with your partner making clear what you "line in the sand is".

If he doesn't agree with you I think you need to be clear that you can't move forward without any financial security or freedom from his family.

He need to start prioritising his investment both emotionally and financially in his primary family unit - him, you and DS and not his former primary unit (now secondary unit) of him and PIL's.