parents in law advice

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I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

Op you can afford to private rent. You will get help through benefits and top ups.

I'd use some of the wedding money to help get you on your feet with it.

This doesn't have to be the perminant end of you and dp, if you have your own safe space that he can come to he might see the happier you and see that he fucked up.

So how do I go about all this? Benefits. Housing etc? Would CAB know? Sorry I'm clueless.

Yes they would know and you would also get help towards your rent/council tax

So you earn just £400 a month and pay all the utility bills? How much mortgage does your dp pay ?

He sounds very immature mind. He actually sounds like he isn´t ready to live independantly! Going by what you say about him just signing on the lines and look, he owns half a house! How did that happen? It sounds like he doesn´t even want to take control or learn to be independant. We aren´t born having knowledge about ¨housey matters¨ but as soon as you start thinking about getting on the property ladder then you make the effort to learn, as in, all by yourself! You go to the appropriate experts and find out facts etc etc.....but are you saying he left all of the legalities and practical matters of looking and buying the house to his parents?

And once in the house, did he partake of domestic life like cleaning, maintenance, cooking etc? Or his he just as hapless in this dept too? Buying a house is a massive commitment, it´s not bloody Monopoly. I cannot believe somebody would just defer all decision making over to their parents! Emotionally immature doesn´t come close.....

It sounds to me like they have complete control over him and he´s that sackless he doesn´t seem to mind whatsoever. Anyone that´s living independantly in their mid 20s and is cool about their mother opening their mail is firmly still tied to the apron strings, let´s be honest! Anyone that can coolly sit back and do/say NOTHING when their parents go back on a verbal agreement and then to further listen to them lie and say they never agreed to let his partner go on the mortgage ( knowing damn well that´s not true ), and not even speak up? Well that would be a dealbreaker there for me.

Seriously, is he a man or a mouse? Doesn´t sound like he even wants to break free, nor does it sound like he´s ready to live independantly with a family of his own at all. The odds are firmly stacked against you on this one aren´t they? If he´s not even gonna consider reading a book ( I agree, make it part of the ultimatum ) then what hope do you have of him speaking to a counsellor? He has to first recognise there´s a problem with his parents and his relationship with them, but I feel that´s a long way off. He´s just a hapless puppet and they´re pulling his strings. He sounds quite satisfied with this too.

Also I'm NC with my own mother (15 years) and my dd1 (21) isn't mithered one bit. grandparents are not automatically given rights to there dgc just because they are DGP. If they are horrible toxic people what makes you think they will be 'nice' just because it's their dgc? They just find other subtle ways to inflict damage. One way of that is making them think they actually love them more/they are being victimised ect..

My mil is that that with her other dgc. Mine are too young for her to pull that shite but if she ever did I'd wipe the floor with her

I pay the council tax, gas & electric bill, TV licence, for our broadband, shopping usually once a month, my own phone bill and my own insurance for my car. I do get the chance of overtime but my MIL is the only person I have to take care of my son through the week, but now she is apparently stopping that.

Yes my partner honestly let his parents deal with everything, I doubt he even read the documents he signed. My parents never believed we were ready for this as we were both immature but I know they are proud of me for handling this all well and taking to the responsibility with no problems. My oh on the other hand has done exactly what they thought. When I was pregnant he acted like a different person and I think everyone thought there was hope, but now the real pressure is on he's crumbling.

Round the house he isn't too bad. He helps with most of the chores and is excellent with our son. When it comes to things like dealing with insurances, attaching stair gates he gets his mum or dad to do that! There is just no need. Im not saying he can't ask for help but he doesn't even try himself.

The funny thing is my MIL relationship with her Mil is awful and has had an effect on my partner because he sees her as an awful grandparent. At the end of the day he only knows his mother's side of it all. My pil don't get along with a lot of their families from both sides, but it's a wonder why.

I think you just have to go with your instinct with regards to other folk falling out. If it feels wrong to you it probally is.

I'd stop her having him anyway. Anything my mil did always came with strings. Can you not have a word with your boss and see if you can change your hours?

what finacail contribution does your do put in to the house? Do you have a family pot or seperate finances? It seems that you wouldn't have a lot of spare cash at all .

"Are relationships really meant to be so hard?! This is both of our first long term relationships, for me anything before was no longer than 6 months, never lived with any of them and no children to any of them. Is this really what it's supposed to be like?!"

No, and no! You really need to read this thread: Right, listen up everybody

Why are you paying all the bills when your income is only £400/month? How much does your partner earn? He should be paying at least half of the joint bills (council tax, gas and electricity, tv licence, broadband etc). If he argues that he shouldn't pay bills because he's covering the mortgage, remind him that you're not on the mortgage or house deeds, so that's not your problem is it?!

I am beginning to wonder if there is some financial abuse going on here. You would most probably be better off if you separated. Yes, CAB will be advise you about the benefits, tax credits and other financial support you will be entitled to. You could also look it up on www.entitledto.co.uk.

Don't forget that he will have to pay child maintenance. The legal minimum is calculated according to his income.

Cookies I can't think why you would want your DS around Grandparents who clearly can't be trusted and betrayed his mother and then lied about it!

The mortgage is £830 a month, he pays this, sky (he wanted this himself), his car insurance and phone bill. He pays most of the shopping too. We each have a car we run ourselves and have separate savings account we pay a little bit into a month. He earns £400 a week. This is why I wanted a joint bank account because the money I earn basically goes in and out again. He doesn't hesitate to give me money if I ask but it's a bloody pain doing it that way. His parents argument was what's wrong with doing it the old fashioned way and going to the hole in the wall! He was all keen for it until we had mentioned during his holidays about a year ago we were going to set this up and that was their reaction. And no we have hardly any spare money. This was another thing my parents warned against, his parents were adamant we needed the biggest and the best because long term this would benefit us. My parents said if we put ourselves under financial pressures like that we will end up resenting each other. As I said although we can afford the way we live we have next to no spare cash ever.

To be honest how would I stop his grandparents seeing him anyway? If we were to split up how do I know he's not taking him to see them and to be honest he'll probably be living with them! And I'm not going to stop contact with his dad because hes a very good dad and they have an amazing bond. But if there was a way I'd like to know?

Has anyone that has read toxic in laws had any success with it?

Right, so he earns FOUR TIMES what you do, but you're paying all the essential bills

Wake up, OP. Stop being a mug! And get the hell out of there!

I forgot to add he also pays the house and contents insurance and life insurance, if that makes a difference? I don't think he takes advantage as in terms of what bills we pay. The only niggle I have over it is why should I pay for something that isn't mine. Apart from that I think what we are spending our money on is fair, no?

He is spending on bills and necessities around £1250 a month. Im spending about £380.

Do you get child benefit? You are entitled to that no matter what you earn (I think) which is something like 80 every 4 weeks for 1 child (I think) you would also be entitled to tax credits and he would pay you child maintenance of around £40 a week (a guess based on his earnings per week).

Yes I get child benefit £82 every 4 weeks. Sorry forgot to add that in.

But to be fair I know for a fact he isn't mugging me off moneywise. I have access to his bank account all the time.

financially then I think you would be a lot better off if you did decide to end things and I think it would do wonders for your stress levels!! I really do feel for you being in such an awful position.

No, OP, I don't think it is fair. Of course you shouldn't be paying for something you don't own!

His monthly income is £1600. He is spending £830 of that (more than half) on his mortgage i.e. a house that he owns (well, co-owns with his parents). So that payment is not benefiting you in any way (other than the fact that you get to live there... on his parents' terms, of course). He is spending another £400 on other bills and expenses, but so are you. And he has £150 left over every month, to save or spend on whatever he likes. But you have nothing. Can't you see how unequal that is? He gets a house and disposable income, you get fuck all.

I know but I wouldn't end my relationship because of that because that's both of our problems. My biggest problem is the pil situation, and how he is siding with them and not me and not growing a pair! Remember I have lived with him previously in a rented property in both our names and it worked out fine financially. Although at that time we were both on full time wages (I then went down to mat pay which for me way approx £900/month) but we had a lot less to pay for living there.

Yeah i suppose that's right emma, looking at it like that. It worked out so much better when we were renting everything was equal but like I said I was earning a full time wage then got a decent mat pay.

Well, exactly. You've put yourself in a very disadvantaged financial position by reducing your working hours and moving into a house that is owned by him and his parents.

I know :( but at the time I thought it was going to be mine. I really feel so stupid and obviously look stupid. That wouldn't bother me if we owned it jointly but I can't even say that. I changed my job as I worked mon-fri 9-5 and had no one to look after my son as I would need to go back 3 days a week. I work sat and sun because I have enough babysitters available then.

And with childcare costing so much we couldn't afford it

Some employers offer childcare vouchers, which works out as a cheaper way to pay for child care.

If you separate, you will probably be entitled to child tax credit - the childcare element covers 70% of your childcare costs.

Definitely go to CAB when you can, they will be able to advise on all this.

Op you've put up with far more than most would! I'm please do our seeing them for what they really are now. I didn't have anything to do with my dad's side of the family growing up and I wasn't ever bothered. They are/were nasty, spiteful, jealous cretins that didn't deserves children & grandkids. It's better to have nothing to do with some people even if your related :) To get an idea of what financial help you are entitled too if you were to leave have a look at the website Entitled 2 it's great and pretty accurate. Good luck x