parents in law advice

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I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

you would get help with childcare costs. Go onto the Tax Credits calculator online and it will let you know how much you might be entitled to. You could even put in a few different scenarios e.g. What you would be entitled to in your current situation, or if you left him, or if you were both full time etc.

You weren't to know that they were going to do this to you, its shameful really they should be totally ashamed. They sound like vile people and I don't think anyone could blame you if you never spoke to them again just on that instance alone. I'm so shocked that your partner just goes along with it with no loyalty to you.

His parents seem very focused on keeping dp's assets and money his and not allowing them to become part of a whole with yours. Essentially they are working on keeping him financially separate, independent and in a more favourable position than you, which suggests they have always thought in terms of the relationship being something passing through and wanting their son to walk away at the end of it financially not 'disadvantaged'. Which means by extension they're not interested in the disadvantage to you. That's pretty much steering him away from seeing you and ds as his first commitment and primary family, and you and he as a team.

You don't look stupid in the least, you come across as remarkably clear headed in the circumstances. I'm sad and angry for you that your trust has been so betrayed, and I suspect your dp has no real grasp on the depth of that betrayal or the vulnerability of his son's mother's position.

Ok, thank you

How the hell did he get a mortgage for £850 a month is he only earns £1600 a month? What are his parents paying in to it considering the deal was they jointly bought it? Do he has either bought a house that he is is paying full mortgage off and he has given his parents half of it. OR the Mortgage is £1700 a month and the pils pay half which still is still crazy considering the joint income of you two. How could you ever afford it if they pulled out anyway

Thank you so much for everyone's kind comments.

Sitting here reading what you are saying I realise this is not normal at all. Obviously I knew his parents behaviour wasn't but now I'm seeing how stupid I am paying so much towards bills. I honestly don't think my partner is aware of this and is doing this to me on purpose which is why this is a real shame because if he could just see what everyone else does he could do something about it. I will never stop him seeing his son but he is going to have to realise he won't see him every day and potentially even watch him grow up with another man under the same roof if I was to ever move on.

His parents really are only interested in him and protecting his money. I can understand this but they have taken it to extreme costs. And this is going to cost him me and his son :( I wish he could just see, I really am so hurt by this.

He got the mortgage because it's in his name and his parents so their income is taken into account. Well i have access to his online banking and be pays this himself and it's definitely £830.

It must be so hurtful. Sadly your partner is also a victim of abuse but he is so used to it and so well trained that he isn't aware. That doesn't mean he may not come to realise, there are posters here who mention their dh did wake up to the reality and were able to start separating their own enmeshment with their parents. Some do. It's about making yourself secure and less vulnerable, and then seeing whether he may have the capacity to be one of those men, and whether you feel you want to continue to try with the relationship. You have lots of options, find out what they all are and have a clear idea of what could be, and you may then see more clearly what you want to do next.

He is a fooling he pays the full mortgage. What an idiot. This man has no idea how to financially protect his family.

Why the hell is he paying the full lot if he has gone halfs with his parents?

If you were to move to a private rental alone with your son you would be entitled to approx £50 a week child maintenance from your dp for your son, tax credits, and help towards the rent and required bills. This is on top of your earnings now.
You do not look stupid at all - the more you explain the more your dp looks like the daft one and the more it shows that you have your priorities in the right place. It's only now that you realise that they've gone back on their word just exactly how unhealthy the relationship with his parents is.

Also I bet you either of you have any spare cash after his out goings:

So he is skinning himself to buy his bloody parents a house?!

Somethings not right there

Chocolate
He has £150 spare cash each month, the OP has nothing.
But yes he is buying his parents half a house!

My pil do this and I feel so down about it too, I have given my partner the choice of telling them to back of and let us live our own lives or I'm leaving because I can't take anymore of been in a relationship with him and his parents

There certainly doesn´t seem any future carrying on as you are. I imagine it´s bloody intolerable with the inlaws´ constant interference, which will never change as long as your OH is acting a total drip and Mummy´s Boy.

It´s the premeditated, nasty way in which they´ve engineered this that really bothers me. Well, and the fact your OH´s attitude is one of total detachment and nonchalance! But they sound like right devious little shits and it was all a great, elaborate plan to lie to you so they could get their son on the property ladder with you having less rights than a tennant! But still you let the witch babysit for you?? Do you even trust her alone with your son? I would never let such a vile, deceitful old bag babysit my child, not after showing herself up for the liar she is. I wouldn´t trust her as far as I could spit!

Start with doing some research about what you´d be entitled to, as others have suggested. Both online and at CAB. You need to find out what position you´d be in as a lone parent first and foremost.

I feel bad for you. I´m sure your OH knows how bad they are, you know, but like everything else ( e.g the house matters ) he´s choosing to detach himself totally from the issue. Far easier to stick your head in the sand but that doesn´t make a problem go away.

Cos if he didn´t know how bad they were why would he go into panic mode if he knows they´re coming round, cleaning and what not, telling you to not mention certain things? Of course he knows they´re horrid but he feels totally unable to stand up to them.

anotheremma something doesn't add up, her dp cannot be that stupid surely??

op are you sure you seen his parents on the deeds/mortgage ?

Thanks everyone.

Actually he does have a habit of buying ridiculously expensive football boots. I bad to stop him buying ones at £230, the most he has spent is £120, but usually they are about £50 and he does this every couple of months.

Really i dont think he's a bad person :( It might seem that way but I actually feel sorry for him. He feels like his parents are the only people to truly care for him and love him. His mother likes to remind him that no one will love him like she does and no one will be there for him like she is. I actually feel sorry for him and I know if he saw what I did he would run a mile but unfortunately I don't think he ever will. Its so sad but I can't save him :(

Yes chocolate addict 100%. The documents were delivered only last week. That's what alerted me. It had their names right smack bang on the front.

Why don't you suggest going to counselling/therapy together? Try relate, they only charge you what you can afford. Would he go for that do you think?

I have suggested this and he agreed. By charging how much you can afford, what does that mean exactly? We can't afford much!

So why aren´t they paying their share of the mortgage?

Wow what an idiot. Don't feel sorry for him op feel sorry for yourself and son.

This man is skinting himself to buy his parents a house (which tbh I still can't get my head around. They have lied to the bank and gave them false financial records as they are not paying for their share. They would have never given this guy a mortgage in his own) and sny other spare case goes on footie boots.

What a catch !

Tbh op you have more to worry about thsn mil. You should really be worrying about your own financial security for you and your son, you should be trying to save for the future.

Your marching to your dp tune here. Not your mils. This guy is screwing you over big time and you feel sorry for him. He must play the little boy lost act really well.

Well I'm off this thread as I'm flabbergasted that a grown man can be so fucking selfish and screw his partner over till she has no cash of her own and not even her own home. I bet your dp and mil have a smile on their faces at night when they go to sleep.

My Dh struggled with mil it he came through for me in the end. He would never leave me screwed like your dp has done to you.

And the worst thing is you feel sorry for him

No wonder your dads fucked off.

Good luck to you and your son op your going to need it

You pay a registration fee of like £35 (I think) and then they ask you to make a an agreement of what you can afford for your sessions so you could say you can afford to pay £20 and that's what you will pay. I plan on using them myself for some of my own issues as I have bad anxiety etc.

Maybe this will help your dp see exactly what his parents are doing and that its not normal.

Moomin they aren't paying because it's 'our house' and it's just their name on a piece of paper. Well that was their argument to that one.

Chocolate addict I really really don't think my partner sees it that way. Hes not a bad person, he's just immature and brainwashed. He wouldn't be doing this on purpose. I never mentioned that before my son was born we split for 5 months. I ended things because I didn't think he was a 'man' his mum and dad pissed me off with their involvement although nothing as major as this as at the time we both lived with our parents. For that entire 5 months he wanted me back, begged, pleaded did everything. I remember if I went to see him he'd be nervous his parents would see us together because they had told him to stay away and move on. We ended up back together and thats when I fell pregnant. It all happened so fast. He really showed signs of maturity and branching out from them but for whatever reason he fell back. My dad is angry at him more for not growing a set but he's said himself he doesn't think he can actually see what's really happening.

Great thanks little legs. I suffer from anxiety as well. Its awful, I hope you get through it.

Well, either your dp or your dp and his parents are financially screwing you. He gets the house whilst you pay all the bills (bar a few he pays). He gets to keep 150 quid whilst you have nothing!! That is financial abuse. You are effectively paying out all your cash for his house.

And the parents are on to a winner if their son is paying the mortgage, whilst you pay all the bills, then 10 years down the line they decide to sell and reep the benefits.

OP you can't live there! And I wouldn't move in with your parents either. Time to strike out on your own with your ds. Go to CAB and then the job centre. You might be better off not working so explore this. You will be entitled t housing benefit but it takes about 3 months to come through so you'll need rent deposit+a couple of months' rent to get a flat. Housing benefit will be back dated once you get it so you'll get that initial rent outlay back.

Going it alone is totally doable and absolutely your best option.

For that entire 5 months he wanted me back, begged, pleaded did everything. I remember if I went to see him he'd be nervous his parents would see us together because they had told him to stay away and move on.

And you mentioned earlier that he asked you sometimes not to tell his parents things he knew they would use to pressure him. So there are potential seeds there of his loyalty being to you over them, he wants you more than he wants to please them underneath the being afraid to draw their fire or his habit of doing as he's told and not questioning it. I found what you mentioned about his mother saying no one will ever love him like she does very sad - you can hear the emotional blackmail and training in that. But you're absolutely right too that you can't save him. He has to want to save himself. It just is nice to hear from what you're describing that he may want to do that.

I think his parents know this but he doesn't. He just wants a house like it's a game of mummies and daddies. I remember when we went to first mortgage before all this to get advice and all his parents did was belittle it, tell us we will never get anywhere. Anyone can get a mortgage really.

I've mentioned to my parents how unfair I think it is I'm paying a load of the bills for something that isn't mine and they have said but if you're renting you need to do the same which in principle is the same. I really don't believe my oh is out to get me, but I do believe his parents are.