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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

parents in law advice

234 replies

cookies92 · 02/03/2016 07:39

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

OP posts:
LittleLegs25 · 04/03/2016 11:27

There's no point dwelling on what's happened, I would just plan for the future and now you know to not trust anything they say!

You are wise to their petty games and cant be dragged in any longer. You've been given some brill advice and at least you now know your options no matter what decisions you make.

MoominPie22 · 04/03/2016 11:30

So isn´t your OH just a little bit angry that his parents have swindled you?

He doesn´t find your feelings towards them just a tiny bit justified?

He doesn´t appear to have much of an opinion on anything.Confused

NettleTea · 04/03/2016 11:32

I would say that it would make you very happy to have it back now, thank you, seeing as how they are adamant that you have no part of the house.

I agree with those who say he is probably being exploited too. And for that reason alone you need to get to the bottom of this, and make him realise whats going on, which was why I suggested him getting a copy of the paperwork, so that he can see it independently rather than from you, who I suspect he feels will always paint his parents in a bad light.

I can also understand why he may feel that they are doing this in his best interests, to be kind, because I am sure they have always framed it in this way to him - that they are advising, helping, just protecting him. But they have not allowed him to grow up and be an independent adult - and this control they have over him is abuse, despite it being wrapped in sheepskin. From early teens on he should have been allowed to start making tentative steps towards independence, allowing a total detachment and autonomy by his 20s. We learn by making mistakes, we need to be able to stand on our own feet in order to have a relationship.

It doesnt mean you cut off your parents, it doesnt mean that your parents stop giving you advice, but it means that you are free to take their advice or not and stand by your own decisions - and refusal to take their advice should have no repercussions. Its a tricky path to negotiate, and hard to let go as a parent, especially if you can see disaster on the horizon, but you do no one any favours by stifling them and keeping them in a state of helpless dependance - abdicating all responsibility to them. The unhealthy attitude cuts both ways - he has a responsibility to grow up as much as they need to let go. If he wants to have a family with you then he needs to shift his loyalty.

I think that you are mistaking people's concerns about the house as a suggestion that you are materialistic and putting it above your difficulties. But the house is symbolic of the relationship as a whole - the joint account being another. Your DP is putting his parents wants above yours, and he is doing it willingly and unwittingly - giving them the power to make decisions for your family unit over you. The house is just one issue. Its a big issue because it shows that they are prepared to use him for their own gain, they are benefitting financially from the naive trust he has given them, but ultimately they are the ones who are making all the decisions.

So in answer to your OP, you DO have a PIL problem. But ultimately you have a DP problem, that is never going to get 'fixed' while he is is such complete denial. He may not actually want to fix it either, because it is going to be hard bloody work, it is going to be nasty, it is going to bring up many demons from his past and it is going to take years to untangle with an awful lot of emotional manipulation from his parents. Lying down and letting someone else mummy you for ever is an easy ride compared to that. But it will be at the expense of him ever having a relationship and family of his own.

You cannot control them. You cannot force your DP to change. You can only control what YOU do in response to this all. Your son will grow up to see this as normal, and although you wont be able to control him seeing his grandparents if your DP visited them, you would still reduce the impact on his everyday life if nothing is going to change. You can present the evidence to your DP and allow him to take it in. You can issue an ultimatum that he read the book with you, attend specialist counselling and disentangle himself from the parents (possibly requesting that if he is paying all the mortgage/paid the deposit and is taking all financial responsibility, that they sign the deeds over to him, which shouldnt be an issue if it is 'his' house surely) but you cannot force him to do these things. You can, of course, choose not to stay with him if he chooses not to.

you may take a look at 'entitled to' and see how much help you would get as a single parent. with savings there is no need to rely on the council - to be honest you are very unlikely to get social housing anyway unless there are particular health needs, but there is nothing stopping you looking at the private sector - you are in the position to offer a full deposit and several months upfront if needed. You would be entitled to housing benefit, tax credits, child tax credits, childcare help, child benefit and maintenance from your DP, so no need to think about drug dealing tower blocks.

MoominPie22 · 04/03/2016 11:33

Oh yeah, and the dad said you´d get your £3K back if you split did he? He´s obv a fella you can trust then, what with his track history....Hmm

Labradorlover01 · 04/03/2016 14:16

I really, really feel for you... 10 odd years ago I had a similar problem with my partners mother ( no children involved ) my ex partner kept going on and on about wanting children and getting married ( I was 20 ) I realised I was too young and couldn't go on any further into it as he had never once stood up for me with his parents / let them talk to me as if I were beneath them ..his mother was very controlling in all aspects of our life ... Bank account issue brings back bad memories! his parents had provided the deposit for our house and owning a house with him I felt really trapped so I can't even imagine how you must feel...his mother was awful to me throughout but once we had the house she was worse and would criticise everything I did and hold it over us the help they had given ... I was lucky to get this warning before children got involved so your position is much worse and my heart goes out to you...all I can say is you are still young and there are lots of men who can stand on their own two feet out there so not to suggest you are thinking of a future relationship just yet but just to reassure you not all mil are like this and if you do end up leaving then there is hope! ( I have a lovely MIL now and after reading your thread I must make sure to make sure she gets an extra special Mothering Sunday! ) I hope for you your partner can do what my Ex never did and chooses you and stands up for you as he should do... I hope you don't have to leave but for me it was the best thing I did, the future does have lots of good things to come just follow what you know is right and trust those instincts and you will get there in th end Thanks

countrymusic · 04/03/2016 16:20

You are in denial that your partner is at fault and understandably so but deep down he has agreed to what his parents say wilfully. He is not being forced into any of this. Even if he does make some changes, you will have this struggle on other important things in life until he realises his adult responsibilities, separate from his parents. Also, he may well resent you for causing the friction in his relationship with his parents. He needs to see for it himself before any meaningful change can come in your lives.

cookies92 · 04/03/2016 17:02

Thanks everyone for your advice it's all been very helpful. I understand some of you just want me to see the light.

I understand my dp is a major factor in this, I just want him to change and see what I do!

Labrador lover I feel for you but I'm happy you managed to get out of it and have a much happier life now!

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 04/03/2016 21:13

OP, as someone said upthread, we are not born with knowledge about house-buying etc. And certainly in my 20s I was just scared of all that kind of thing, especially negotiating and stuff like that (a bit like your DP?). So if someone had offered what you were offered, and since I usually believe people when they make promises, I'd probably have done what you've done.

Years ago when I was in my 20s (I'm now in my early 60s) my then DP and I bought a cheap coal board house together. We were joint tenants. We were so ignorant that we didn't even know we could have been tenants in common. It's only as I've got older that I've got more savvy - as and when I've needed to, and sometimes by making serious mistakes.

It's a nasty predicament you're in. I don't have any advice really. But I felt some previous posters seemed to think you should somehow have experience beyond your years.

cookies92 · 04/03/2016 21:23

Thanks for your comment silver pussycat.

You're so right. As two separate people prior to this we were immature enough. That's why when I got pregnant at 21 my parents freaked out, but they gave me a choice to either have an abortion or go ahead and get on with it. I really really couldn't go through with an abortion, I didnt know if me and my dp would make it but it was a chance i wanted to take. I think some of my choices I made were down to the fact my parents basically told me to get on with it. So I did them out of fear knowing fine well something didn't feel right. Im not angry at my parents, they still support me and always have. Just don't want me to rely on them so they can seem harsh. In my choices I have been naive but through the reprocussions I'm starting to see my mistakes. My oh is a very young 24 year old and as already mentioned never had the chance to grow up. I think in these past two years I have grown a lot, and I feel he is still stuck, and not wanting to grow as someone previously said it is much easier to have someone do it all for him than have to face up to it himself.

Thank you for your comment.

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