parents in law advice

[cookies92]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1.5 year old together.

To put a long story short his parents are heavily involved in our relationship and have been since day 1, although now it's causing major problems. When I fell pregnant we stil lived at home, they suggested they buy a house and we would pay them 'rent'. At first I went with the idea but after seeing their behaviour I felt it wasn't something I wasnt comfortable with so we decided to rent and do it ourselves. We rented a small flat and for the first while it was fine, until we had our little boy it became far too cramped. We found the heating didn't work well and was constantly getting damp as it was an old property. We became pretty miserable in there tbh. His parents then resurfaced with an idea that they could buy a house jointly with my partner, I wasn't keen for this because we had agreed when the time came myself and my partner would buy ourselves. After some discussion they assured me that after a year they would come off the mortgage and I would go on it, I felt a bit funny about it but went ahead nonetheless. Now the whole time since we moved out (May 2014) they really started to show their colours. I thought us moving in together would make them back off but it became worse. Even worse once our son was born. His mother would make comments about our house how it wasn't clean enough constantly. She would clean it and I mean clean the shower, toilets etc if we went our and left her with the baby. This caused friction and on numerous occasions we fell out. Things came to a head when we moved into our new property and we had a big falling out, but it was put right quickly and I felt it had done some good. Anyway as time went on she started to slip back into her old ways. It came to a year since the purchase of the house and thats when I found out the hard way I would be nothing to do with the house ever. This angered me so much because they had lied to me, I also felt stupid I had believed them and not looked into anything and had been so naive. Anyway again this ended in a huge argument between me and his parents to the point I threw them out the house. Their involvement in our relationship has become unbearable. They constantly put things into my partners head and as he has always heavily relied on them throughout his life he still seems to do so now even tho he has been moved out near 2 years. They have stopped us getting joint bank accounts, stopped us from speaking to certain people they see as 'nasty' his mother constantly undermines me in my house takes over the cleaning as if she is a cleaner and undermines my parenting. Now I'm not an ungrateful person but this is crossing a line. They constantly make digs at the house, how we live, what we spend our money on. She will open my partners mail and feel the need to deal with it herself. They have told me I will never stop them seeing their son (I never said that!) this has caused a major issue in our relationship, I can't stand to be around his parents. He won't fall out with them (not what I'm asking anyway) and for our sons sake I need to tolerate them being round. I need him to stand up for himself and tell them to back off but he won't do it. It's going to split us up. It has gotten to the point my family are now involved in this too. Any advice? Thanks.

How far in the future? How long are you going to wait and see if anything changes?

Don't forget that you've already been with him for years and nothing has changed yet.

I'm not sure why you're given yourself this "rule" that if you move out now it has to be for good. Surely it's an easier decision to make if you leave the option open as to whether it's a temporary or final thing? I think it would be more damaging for you and your child to stay in this toxic environment you're in - your partner and his parents are making it toxic - than removing yourselves from it. I think it's the only possible way of fixing it. He needs a clear message that the relationship is over if he doesn't radically change his thinking and behaviour. Leaving with your child is the only way. It's too late for anything else now.

Of course, it's easy for us to say - we're on the outside looking in. I imagine it's much harder for you. Is there a part of you that's still hoping that he will somehow see your point of view at last, and do things differently? It's natural to hope for that. But sadly I don't think it's going to happen.

While you're still processing all this, could you read Toxic In-Laws - it will help you to make sense of the situation and decide how you want to deal with it.

I can see what you're saying and as much as I'd like to be able to do that my fears are based on me going back and forward which I know I cannot do to my child. Not only that but my parents have told me I have to see moving back to there's as a last resort, obviously they couldn't stop me leaving but if everything was to go pear shaped again I don't know they'd take me in again, or at least if they did they wouldn't be happy about it and our relationship be strained. Also, moving back there would not be a permanent solution as there just wouldn't be enough room long term. So I'd have to go to the council, if I was to get a house then patch things up with my OH I'd need to leave that property and move back in with him again, but again if that didn't work out where would I be left? That's just my thoughts and fears.

Yes I am hoping he will finally wake up one day and see what I do but realistically I don't see it happening. Im just hoping so I can say I have tried.

Thanks I'm going to get that book as it's been recommended a few times.

Go to the Council first re: housing.

Your parents sound like they're putting an awful lot of conditions on your own life choices too.

Yes rice I thought that. It seems as if poor op is hemmed in no matter which way she turns.

op would you parents borrow you a deposit for a rental? It sounds like you need space from all directions

Not really, when I told them I was pregnant they could see this situation or similar happening and tried to warn me. Obviously I didn't / couldn't have an abortion as that just wasn't what I could do as a person. They have told me they will help me as much they can, it's just not an ideal situation for them or for us. Which I can see and understand. They are upset for my son this is happening. Its probably harder for them to deal with as they have been together and never split, same with both their parents and their parents parents. I don't know of anyone in my entire family that has had deal with a split involving a child.

I have the wedding fund money so not entirely stuck, but as I said they don't want to see me stuck. My dad is just a blunt person and will tell it how it is. He comes across as harsh. That is the opposite to my Oh parents as my family let me get on with it but his seem to feel the need to direct his life from every corner. My mum is much gentler with the situation.

Ok I can see where they are coming from now.

Have a real good think cookie about how your life will be in five years time if you don't actively change it now.

I'd use some on the edding money to set you upon a rental. You don't have to close the door on dp, you moving out is not trick or a bribe to get him to pick you - it's just that this way of life is not working for you right now and you need to walk your path.

You having your own safe space and home might be just what your reladtionship needs. If he doesn't see it like that then you really have a lucky escape.

Don't worry to much about your DC. They are pretty resilient and at a small age if they get moved about a bit as long as mum is happy they generally are

You stated up thread that your dad has decreed that if you move to theirs there would be no going back.

You have also stated several times that living with them would be difficult and would have to be short term.

And finally, your dad is clearly getting his own unresolved past confused with your present situation, identifying with your son and casting you as the person who cut him off from his own grandparents.

For all these reasons, I don't think that your parents are a safe port from this particular storm.

You can rely on yourself and state support.

Thanks Chocolatteaddict1 I see your point. I guess in life we can't say one way or the other how things will work out. Thank you again.

RiceCrispieTreats no i said, he said me going back there should be looked at as a final decision. If all else fails. I do understand that to an extent because he just wants some stability and normality for myself and my son. He is willing to help me but is harsh about the truth. That's the way he is. I understand your point. It would be nice if he could be a little softer on the situation but that's the way he is.

To be fair I'd be really frustrated if I was your parent and had to watch this situation unfold. Clearly the warning signs were there from the beginning. However, berating you about it doesn't help. I would be swallowing the urge to say "I told you so" encouraging and supporting you to move forward.

I agree with Rice, I don't think you should move in with your parents. Maybe talk to CAB about your housing options and the financial support you might be able to get.

I think you're being too precious about moving your little one, moving is a small price to pay for getting out of a toxic family environment. Unhappy parents are much worse than separated parents for a child (take it from someone who's had both!)

Yes emma I totally agree with you, I can understand their frustration with it all but it would be nice if they didn't throw the I told you so card at me. At the end of the day what is done is done. When I lived at home I was a rebellious child which was tough for them as my sister is completely opposite. I never got along with them until I moved out and I can honestly say it was the best thing for everyone as we haven't fallen out since. My in laws know about this and like to use it against me, saying I must be jealous because they are apparently so close to their kids and pretty much behave like my parents don't give two craps about me. At the end of the day they aren't going to see us out on the street they are just harsh but fair, especially my dad. I think moving in with them may cause more problems down the line I would hate for our relationship to revert back after it has been so good the past 2 years.

My parents are firm believers at sticking it out, as we're/are their parents. I've not had any experience with a child coming from a split parent family so that's where my fear stems from, the unknown.

Your oh sounds like he's struggling to sort out what he wants from life.

You, on the other hand, sound pretty clear. You want:

Healthy family relationships, with appropriate boundaries.
The security of your own home
The independence of standing on your own feet
The ability to give your child stability
A partner prepared to consider your wishes before anyone else's.

These are not crazy, wild things to want, they're just what most people assume is normal. The fact that you've been manoeuvred into a position where you're made to feel that those are unreasonable demands shows that you're dealing with unreasonable people.

All you can do is decide what you need to be happy and hope that your oh values you enough to want to stay with you.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

That is exactly it. I've downloaded the toxic in laws book so going to see what it suggests!

Maybe get Toxic Parents for him too? It can only be of benefit to him.

He's never read a book in his life it would be money wasted tbh.

Well if he wants to save your relationship then he needs to read it surely!?
Can you make that part of your ultimatum?
Or read it together?

Yep I know that. Thing is he's living in a fantasy world, I know he thinks this will all blow over and we well all be best friends. Unfortunately,as much as I wish that were true it just isn't going to happen. The sooner he realises that the better. We've decided to let the dust settle for a few days and not bring it up, but he knows in a few weeks this will have to be dealt with one way or the other. Perhaps he is just like them really and can't reason, well that's the behaviour he has been displaying recently.

i have been in almost exactly the same situation as you. it was pure hell. i actually left my DP over it twice. The only solution was to be totally and utterly independent and not rely on his parents for anything. at first i did this alone with my DD and eventually her dad accepted this was what i wanted and we needed to be a proper family and a chance at being happy. But that took years and i mean YEARS of DP digging his fucking heels in refusing to see things from my point of view.

I cant begin to describe how suffocated i felt they knew everything about our lives, were constantly sticking their oar in... some people dont seem to mind that sort of thing but i hate it.

We now live together with both DCs (got back together and had DC2) 200 miles away from my mother (whole other thread) and 150 or so from his parents. And i can breathe again. and the best part? i now get on great (for the most part) with PIL could not ask for better or more involved grandparents- they see the DC in the school holidays. BUT it took years for that to happen and required effort from both sides not just mine. they had to relinquish control and i think that was hard for them. You cant be expected to do all the compromising here and your DP needs to see things from your side of it otherwise you will both be miserable. Good luck!

Seems like the only way to get these types of men to listen is to put words unto action and leave. I just have it in my head that that means it's over for good. Are relationships really meant to be so hard?! This is both of our first long term relationships, for me anything before was no longer than 6 months, never lived with any of them and no children to any of them. Is this really what it's supposed to be like?!

What does your partner say about the house situation? Is he insisting you go onto the deeds or just agreeing with his parents?

He was under the impression I would be going on it too, but since finding out I won't be he's said and done nothing about it. He knows nothing about how to go about the house situation, even tho his names on it his parents dealt with it all, all he had to do was sign a few things and that was it. They do far too much for him and this is the effect.

Wow he is totally under their thumb isn't he!? Is there any way you could use your wedding fund to move out into a rented property on your own? I think this whole situation is just toxic for you and by the sounds of it your partner is never going to change his behaviour.

Yeah i could use it but I couldn't afford private rent myself. I am only contracted to 12 hours a week and earning just less than £400 a month, we could never survive off that. Yes hes totally under their thumb and I know for a fact if we do split up he'd be straight back to living with mummy because he can't look after himself. And she would let him go back, why would he want to stay somewhere he needs to do things himself when someone is offering him they will do it all for him. His parents would then take over the house. This might just be me over thinking it all but I'm pretty sure that would happen but tbh it probably wouldn't be a bad thing if they took over!

Op it sounds like a horrible situation for you and your partner. He seems to be totally under their toxic ways and can't break free even if he sees it himself. He has his own family now, and needs to make that a priority . Is he really going to break up his family to go back to his parents?
I think you've finally seen the light. I'm not sure why you believed them about the house. That should have sounded alarm bells for you. No one, and absolutely no one will willingly give you a free house. Why would they go off the mortgage of something they own. It's deal breaker time. Your dp needs to make some tough decision s and so do you.?

I knew something wasn't right but I chose to ignore it and to go ahead anyway. Turns out those alarm bells weren't for nothing and I should of listened to myself. Yes definitely, big desicions need to be made and fast. I can really only see this going one way tho.