For those of you who have fallen accidentally or accidentally on purpose pregnant, what effect has it had on your relationship?

[DarrellRivers]

i am interested in your stories, postitive and negative.
for those of you whose DPs have wanted a certain number of children, and then through whatever circumstances, more children than expected arrive.
We have 2 lovely children and i would love a 3rd. DP feels we can only afford 2. I respect his decision on this but we are due another chat re this in a few months, and I would love to hear some stories about expectations being altered by real life circumstances , and I suppose stories from both good and bad sides of the coin would be helpful in discussing this decision with 2 v different viewpoints.
Thanks in advance

There are a LOT of people, though, Fio, who then trot out platitudes like, 'Well, I never could meet a man who wanted children.'

Then you talk to them more, and find out they count out most men who are kind, mature, considerate, etc. b/c they're shallow people - I mean, who else would even consider being such a deceitful scumbag? - hooked on looks, money, material trappings, etc.

Or wouldn't dream that someone as special and wonderful as they are could possibly parent by alternative means - say, w/a gay person or couple who'd be thrilled to have a child - etc.

Let's face it, it takes a certain kind of person to actually go through w/tricking someone into becoming a mother or father and then calling it an accident.

Certainly not of the 'do unto others as you would have them to do you' variety.

COMPLETELY agree with you Rhubarb - fantastic post @1748. Riab I think you're missing the point here. If a couple in a committed relationship and the man definitely does not want children, the female partner may be in total agreement; she may take the pill in good faith, but it could still fail on her (just under 1% chance, but there you go). If the man did not EVER want this eventuality to arise, and was 100% sure he did not want children, then he should either wear a condom every time he has sex, or have the snip. End of.

Whilst we're on the subject, maybe a slight tangent, but something else I feel strongly about: I just HATE it when the papers (esp Daily Mail) go on and on about all the girls who take emergency contraception, and how awful it is that they risk getting pregnant, and god forbid they go on to become teenage mothers... where are the men / boys in these stories? WHO are these young girls having sex with to need emergency contraception and risk getting pregnant? Why do the men never get slated for their lack of condom use, for getting the girls in the situation that they need to take the morning after pill, have abortions, etc. It makes me so mad that the onus is on the women. Always. Yes I know that ultimately it will be the women who has to go through the pregnancy and bring the child up, but it just seems so unequal! I'm no feminist either (well, maybe a teeny bit) but this subject really gets my goat! RANT OVER!

I don't understand buktus, if a man does not want children ever - then surely he should do something about that?

No contraception is ever going to be 100% effective but the snip is as effective as you are ever going to get.

Let's face it, men would never ever be having this conversation would they? They assume that if precautions fail, we would do the 'decent thing' and have an abortion. How fucking presumptious of them! I hate it when men squeal over a vasectomy yet they are perfectly happy to watch us go through the trauma and indignity of an abortion!

Obviously there will be women whose desire to have children will be so intense that she will trick a man into getting her pregnant. Although if the man wanted to be safer than safe then he can use condoms too. Even in marriage, using condoms with the pill is safer than relying on the pill alone.

I think some of you are still laying too much blame on the woman and neglecting to look at the part the man plays in all of this. Do we assume that they are really that stupid?

I agree, Rhu.

I have personally known, very well, I might add, four men who had a vasectomy w/o ever fathering any children b/c they absolutely, positively NEVER wanted them. EVER.

I mean, can't they be trusted to know what is best for them and their own lives?

Is it so bad, that they never want them and are sure that they won't change their minds?

How pitiful to disrespect them so much as to assume they are incapable of making a decision like this about their own bodies and their own lives!

Do you feel that way about your own children?

The same women who decry men taking such measures would probably scream blue murder if someone assumed women couldn't make informed decisions like this about their reproductive lives.

FWIW, NONE of these men has a single regret.

I was married to one of these men for 7 years.

He used condoms during non-monogamous relationships, but he never to make sure he protected his decision about his life as much as possible, so he took steps w/his own body to see that through.

If I had listened to my dh we might not have any. we have 5 now. number 3 was an accident but not an issue as I wanted another anyway and he was not opposed. money was always my dh's reason but it is not a problem. 3 is an expensive as 2 or 1 for that matter. The real cost will hit when they are teens and heading to uni. We make compromises, few vacations other than to see grandparents (but that is fun anyway), one old crappy car, a nice but not fancy house, shop second hand for clothes and borrow books at the library, and shop for sales etc. But, if not having my other children in exchange for fancy cars, vacations, furniture, not even worth thinking about. Tell your dh you can make it work financially, you really can, just be prepared to live simply, but happily. Also, explain the ache and longing in you and does he want you to live unfinished. IN my case, I gave up alot to support my dh in what he wanted careerwise, this is what I wanted, more children, and he felt he should support me as well.

Some people use excuses not to have children.

When they really and truly don't.

'Oh, they're better than fancy cars and holidays.'

To some people, though, they aren't.

If you're in a relationship like this, and you have no children, and you feel like this is going to tear you up inside forever, do yourself a BIG favour: get counselling.

Then let that help you make a decision, to either come to terms w/that, or move on.

B/c beleive it or not, there are PLENTY of people out there who really do want children.

Has anyone here supported their partner's wishes? How about when they really really don't want anymore for whatever reason? Why is it that our preferences somehow seem more important than theirs?

If women don't want kids then they have the final say in that. If they do want kids then they have to somehow persuade their partners or trick them.

I think we need a man's viewpoint on this.

christie I'm glad you are happy now and that your partner is just as happy. But if he had really stuck to his decision that he didn't want any, what would you have done?

by the way, the accident, was just that, truly unplanned but not totally unexpected as no protection. Just took a chance and didn't beat the odds. As to the pill, had an accident htat way too that ended in miscarriage last year. That was a case of me forgetting to take them but I thin, the pill is basically 100% effective as long as it is taken properly.

No it's not. It is most definitely not 100% effective even if taken properly. I know a Muslim woman who took the pill religiously ('scuse the pun) but fell pregnant with her 7th child, her 3rd such accident whilst on the pill. The hospital said her body just wasn't compatible with the pill.

Just asked dh and his stance was that if a man was certain he didn't want kids then he should get the snip. But if he didn't and the woman fell pregnant then he should take equal responsibility for the consequences. He said it is a nasty trick for the woman to deceive, but shit happens and you've just got to deal with it.

In answer to your question, I didn't really believe him that he didn't want any tbh. He is very cautious and likes to think things out forever. He wanted everything to be planned out perfectly, a perfect house, lots of money, pensions etc. I just told him I was 33, I didn't believe there ever was a perfect moment when the planets align and we could miss having children at all if we waited for all these things. So, I said, basically, I made the decision for him and told him now was the time and we were starting a family. He was terrified, but must have wanted a child because he agreed (or knew he wasn't going to win this argument). I would not have married dh if he did not want any children. He never said he didn't want any, just wanted to wait, and wait, and wait. The postscript...I wanted to try for a 6th (after a tough miscarriage last year) and he looked at me and said I would do anything for you but I can't do it again. It was a tough time for me but I am moving on. AFter 5, most don't understand but I found it incredibly painful and worried it woudl make me hate him someday. But so far, I don't. Also, I am older and the likelihood of another baby isn'st high ( am 43 now and had miscarriages at 40 and 42 but a success full pregnancy at 41).

wow, didn't realize that about the pill. Always though women who got pregnant while on the pill were lying or, like me, just didn't take them properly, missed days etc.

Well, you were both honest with each other which makes for a good relationship! I wish you both well!

agree with Rhubarb re:Pill not always working for absolutely everyone. Also there are cases where women aren't appropriately advised re:interaction with antibiotics.

Thanks, if I have any advice darrellrivers, but keep talking. I have shared this story before but I went to a doctor once and when I told him I had 5, he was so happy. He said if you knew the number of patients I have who are alone and old and sick, there parents are gone and they only have 1 sibling who lives so far away or they dont' get along, he said I had given my children a great gift. I thought that was so wonderful of him to say. Tell your dh that story. It's not jsut about the 2 of you but your kids woudl benefit from a full house of siblings. (maybe don't scare him off with 5. Also, baby 3 is easier than 2 or 1. My experience and have heard that from many mom's with 3.

my xh got a vasectomy because he said he knew i would refuse to have an abortion if I got pregnant. I was so broody it nearly killed me, I got some therapy and we split up. Eventually. He was a lot more mature than me, obviously, as I was in 'i'm sure he'd change his mind if i got pregnant because he looooooooooves me'. I know he made the right decision for him and thank God I never took the risk of getting pregnant as it would have been utter misery having to co-parent with an estranged husband who would have hated me and would have fought me every inch of the way.

I'm sure I was taking the pill properly when I fell pregnant. Really agonised over that (because I was crap at taking it in the past) but was sure that for the months leading up to when I fell pregnant, I'd been ultra careful about taking it.

I gave birth to baby 3 in september my dh has said all along that this will be are last baby. Last night i forgot to take my pill i told dh this when he came in today, he was not happy. I told him that if he is sure he wants no more he should think about the snip to this he repiled NO WAY. I then went onto say but you know how rubbish iam about remembering to take them.

When i told him that if i fall pg i will not be taking all the blame has he knows what iam like and if he does not wish to use any other contraception he is to blame to. I do feel most of the blame is always on the women.

I also think 3rd babies are easier

I have 3 'accidental' children and me and my dp love em all to bits. A persons attitude to controlling their fertility varies according to upbringing, experience etc. I was with the same guy 7 years, we had the occasional risk and nothing happened although both of us had concieved babies before. He'd had an abortion (rather his ex) I'd had a miscarriage at 3 months aged 16. ( I was in denial then at the fact I was pg.)Anyway, a false sense of security meant I risked it and got pg. with the next bf. He didn't want anything to do with it (had been abused as a child.) I had an abortion. A medical one. I was still traumatised by the abortion when I became pg. with the next bf. (Why didn't I use contraception?! I was fucked up! It was what I believed to be the safe period! We didn't have any condoms! I can't take the pill!)Anyway thats now our eldest child. We have 3 and they were not planned we just concieved every time we had unprotected sex. Sorry for this outpouring but I mainly wanted to remind everyone that men are generally more 'up for it' than women aren't they. I mean their brains disengage when there peni engage don't they? Maybe I've been mixing with the wrong kinda guys.I will also add that thinking back I now believe that my brain was disengaged too.But was fun and we love our kids. I am having counselling now to help me control my own life!

its not he didnt want kids at all at the time he wasnt stable enough due to addiction and didnt feel it would appropriate to bring a child into the world while he was like this, she could see obviously he was going through this as they were living together so they agreed to wait until life was more stable that she would continue with the pill, however when she was in the pg he found packets of unopened pills that she was supposed to be taking, the relationship ended

ive recently fallen pregnant and we had decided not to have anymore after two so this came as a complete shock to us both but after two miscarriages i really felt that maybe that this was meant to be . dh was not happy in the least and it came very near to me saying o.k go if thats how you feel, there is another thread on here about his reaction but thats another story..he resented the fact i was pregnant even though it was a genuine mistake and wonder how it happened as we ve used the same precautions for 14 years!!! and only fell pregnant when we wanted to have a child!! i had two weeks of hell for me agonising over a decision what to do with this pregnancy..he wanted to terminate it but i just couldnt for whatever reason by body/brain was telling me subconsciously and i got very angry with him for putting mein this dilemma but then after two weeks he just turned roundand said how happy he was and he was gettng excited and loved the idea of more and even said maybe well try for number 4 shortly after!!!wtf ..how do mens minds work!!! he couldnt have been more adamant about number three and to be honest i really wasnt sure either as wed got rid of all our baby stuff and the idea of going through all that again did worry but yesterday whn i had a 9 week scan and saw my live beanie waving and kicking , my heart melted and i instinctively knew everythin would be all right and hes now told everyone tha tim pregnantin an excited flurry of activity so you can never really guess howit will work out..although i think it really does depend oh how strong your relationship is with your partner to start with and i would never trick him into to having another baby althoug he did ask me whether i had secretly wanted more and i was honest and said no..if the decision had been given to me whether i wanted one then i would have said no quite strongly but life certainly has some strange twists and turns and wonder why htis has happpened now..im 40 so not young really to not worry about the risks associated although hubby did say why didnt we have more earlier? god men!! hopefully this pregnancy will work out o.k and life will go smoothly but i understand tha not all men are as accepting and can break a relationship up if you dont have enough trust between the two of you to feel that the other is not deceiving one another.

our no3 (ds2) was a complete accident - i'm still not entirely sure how i got pregnant! i said this to the obstetrician who said he could draw me a diagram!wanted to slap him!!

We were both totally shocked at the time - ds1 was just 13 months, our wedding was planned and i'm in the middle of doing another degree - so it wasnt the best time but now he's 4 months i wouldnt swap it for the world. I love him so much it makes my heart burst and it makes me even more happy to see how much my other two and my dh love him as well.

Riab:
"Is the man;
A) a lazy git because he didn't use condoms with his long term monogamous partner

B) a trusting bloke who believes in his partners word

C) An evil git who should never try to interfere with a woman's 'right' to have as many children as she wants - he should feel grateful for the imposed sleepless nights/ increased financial burden etc.

D) someone who needs to learn to make better choices in partners."

I think a man who doesn't want more children in a loving marriage and never conned the woman initially by suggesting he would have more who relies on her promise or offer to take precautions should be entitled to believe she won't engineer a pregnancy by forgetting the pill. If he is certain he doesn't want any more even if his wife might die or his children all die and she agrees, then he could have the snip.

But both decisions are hard - a man in effect prohibiting his wife to have more children or a wife forcing a man to have a child he doesn't want. I don't think either is worse than the other. They are both wrongs.

Just to look at it the other way around, i dont want anye more kids, dh does but if he did anything to conn me int getting pregnant - i dont know tamper with condems or something, i would never forgive him and would prob resent him for it