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Original poster

For those of you who have fallen accidentally or accidentally on purpose pregnant, what effect has it had on your relationship?

167 replies

DarrellRivers · 01/01/2007 17:59

i am interested in your stories, postitive and negative.
for those of you whose DPs have wanted a certain number of children, and then through whatever circumstances, more children than expected arrive.
We have 2 lovely children and i would love a 3rd. DP feels we can only afford 2. I respect his decision on this but we are due another chat re this in a few months, and I would love to hear some stories about expectations being altered by real life circumstances , and I suppose stories from both good and bad sides of the coin would be helpful in discussing this decision with 2 v different viewpoints.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 12:31

ha ha knew that would light someone's fire.
well, you can get on with casual shagging if you are in the minority of women who can handle it - Im not, so I wont. clear??

Judy1234 · 02/01/2007 13:03

There are not enough proper feminists being bred. Work better on your daughters.

Boobooroastingonanopenfire · 02/01/2007 13:27

So you were being intentionally inflammatory?

Do you think Jesus would have done that, WWJD?

whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 13:33

no, I said it because I believe it to be true, even though I was aware that it is not a popular opinion.....

whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 13:40

Xenia
I will work on my daughters to know that they are allowed to leave a man who hits them, and this is more important than any dependence on him.
To recognise a control freak, and not feel that they have a wifely duty to stay in a relationship where they are being abused.
Not to feel that they have to do sexual things that they aren't comfortable with.
or put up with any other ways that women are exploited.
Generations of women putting up with this sort of crap, even today, shows, that it is not enough that we know in theory that we dont deserve it - you need to make it important in your daughter's education as well.

not to believe that they can handle the fallout from casual sex. Some can, some can't, women would do themselves a favour if they realised this.

riab · 02/01/2007 13:49

Wickedwaterwitch has already said it but getting 'accidentaly on purpose' pregant isn't good.

you are choosing to lie to your partner about a matter of life or death - grow up.

I would never want to have a child without knowing that both parties had fully wanted and agreed to the whole parenthood thing.

i know 2 sets of friends where the woman 'accidentally' got pregnant. In one case she knew her partner definitly didn't want children. In the other she wanted kids and had just got out of a relationship so she 'accidentally' forgot her pills while dating an old school friend casually. He was a good guy, he hadn't wanted a seriuos relationship at this stage and definitly din't want kids just yet but he married her, moved house, changed jobs and tried to make it work.

She just divorced him, got custody, a big house and CM. Poor guy got royally reamed.

MKG · 02/01/2007 13:55

While on the point of "accidentally on purpose" . .

Here in the US there is a court case pending where a couple were dating and the man said he didn't want to have children as they were both still in their mid 20's. After they dated for a while they stopped using condoms as she said the doctor told her she couldn't get pregnant, and was on the pill for medical reasons. Well she got pregnant and had the baby.

They're in court saying that she conceived by deception and he should not be responsible for the child at all as she lied in order to get pregnant.

It will be interesting to see how it plays out.

LorinaLovesSprouts · 02/01/2007 14:38

whatwouldjesusdo 'accidentally on purpose' means deliberately.

It means deliberately getting pregnant to man who has said no ,or possibly not even been asked at all.

I stand by my comment that it must be morally SO wrong.

It is rather similar to a man raping a woman who had said no to sex,or not been asked if she consented.

I simply cant understand any woman wanting to have a baby by an unwilling partner. Find someone who is on the same wavelength as you!

Rhubarb · 02/01/2007 14:42

comparing it to rape is a bit OTT isn't it? One requires use of violence, force and threats, the other deception.

Morally wrong I will agree with but let's keep it in proportion. I think many rape victims would be horrified to have their crime downgraded in this way.

And in any case, if the man really didn't want his partner to get pregnant then he should take responsibility for the contraception. Yes, a woman who lies about being on the pill or tampers with condoms is deceptive and morally wrong. But if the man really doesn't want kids and he knows his partner does, then he can make sure it never happens. He does have a degree of responsibility in this!

LorinaLovesSprouts · 02/01/2007 14:56

I have downgraded nothing.

Both exceedingly serious in my view.

lemonstartree · 02/01/2007 14:56

i think is IS very morally wrong to force a man to have a child without his consent, but I wholly agre with Rhubarb and others that condoms were invented for just such reasons!

we have a friend who is desperate not to father a child and he always, always uses condoms - even with a long term gf.

Judy1234 · 02/01/2007 15:47

It's certainly deceptive. May be the man (assuming they don't marry together) who relies on her assurance she's on the pill can sue her for the 18 years of child support he has to give on the grounds of her deception or do we think men who definitely don't want a child with that woman should always use condoms or refuse to have sex etc.

whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 15:48

"deliberately getting pregnant by a man who has said no"
but the whole point is that he hasnt said no. He has not said no to sleeping with the woman. No woman gets pregnant by willpower alone.

No man has the right to believe that sleeping with a woman 100% wont result in babies. If he doesnt want to risk a baby, he shouldn't have sex with a woman. simple.

whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 15:51

"force a man to have a child without his consent"

fgs - these children are not the product of the man being raped! Nobody is forcing a man to have sex.

Judy1234 · 02/01/2007 15:53

All these accidents are forcing a man to have a child without his consent. Of course they are. It's deception. It's making someone a father who doesn't want to be. I accept he doesn't have to have sex with his wife but if he's no reason to suppose she's come off the pill then surely it's forcing a child on him which is exactly what quite a few people on this thread have described it.

motherinferior · 02/01/2007 15:53

DD1 was kind of accidental on purpose but I did point out to DP that (a) we were being pathetic about contraception (b) I didn't mind because I wanted babies. Which was pretty clear, really, wasn't it...and the way he's always phrased it is 'constructive carelessness'.

In our case we've lasted a whole seven years - a record for both of us - but then I'm sure we're not a template for, you know, balanced people

whatwouldjesusdo · 02/01/2007 15:59

I dont accept that, because you are assuming that all the responsibility for contraception is dumped on the female half of the partnership.

It seems to me, that there are a lot of men out there, who dont want children but dont want responsibility for contraception either. In which case, it is not fair to say that they have been deceived. Its clear that they dont want to take the responsibility, because, demonstrably, they haven't taken it.

LittleSarah · 02/01/2007 16:07

My dd was an accident - on the pill - and her dad was none too happy, we split up. She is now 2.8 and he is a great dad and we are pretty good friends (most of the time)!

I know that the pill doesn't always work and I do wonder if I didn't take it as religiously as I should of, ie at exactly the same time each day (although it wasn't the mini pill), now I have an implant and feel much more secure!

And, by the way, having my daughter was the best decision I ever made.

Celery · 02/01/2007 16:20

All three of ours were not planned, but not entirely accidental either. DH has never committed to having a baby, but never said no either. He's been very laid back about it every time, and basically it's been left unsaid, but been left up to me, and when the broodiness gets overwhelming, I become rather careless with the contraception. Funnily, the broodiness does not seem to be returning after no. 3 .

DH is a fabulous father and adores all of his children, and I believe will adore any possible future children too ( although having to buy a bigger car will pain him, I fear ).

Judy1234 · 02/01/2007 16:23

Ah but why should he the male be buying the car and not the woman?

FioFio · 02/01/2007 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks · 02/01/2007 16:31

My first pregnancy was a complete accident - I was on the pill and taking it properly. I even went to the doctor because I was so tired (and couldn't understand why!) and they told me I had a 'virus' (!).

I'd only just started seeing dp so I told him, at the time, that if he wanted to split up with me he could - I didn't want children then and nor did he - I am pro-choice but felt I couldn't have an abortion. Dp chose to stay, we had dd and dp is now dh and we have a ds.

But I'm well aware that it could have been completely different. Things worked out but I feel we were lucky and initially, it was very difficult as we hardly had experience as a couple before we had a newborn added into the equation!

Think trying to get pregnant accidentally on purpose (when your partner really doesn't want any more) is quite a dangerous game to play.

Celery · 02/01/2007 16:33

Well, we'd BOTH be buying the car! And I would never trick him, it's just kind of been left unsaid. Difficult to explain without making me sound like an evil witch, but I know my dh very well, and I knew he'd be okay, and he was. If I didn't know he'd react like that, I'd have never done it. I would never deceive him and risk our relationship. Likewise, it could be said that it was very unfair of him to have never given me a straight answer, yes or now, about having children. As is it, it's worked out very well for us, he's happy to leave the baby decisions up to me.

motherinferior · 02/01/2007 16:34

Yes, I told DP he didn't have to feel forced into sticking around when it became pretty obvious I was pregnant too - we'd only been together a few months.

It was a high-risk strategy, and I think maybe the fact we both knew it wasn't a gift-wrapped guarantee helped.

goingfor3 · 02/01/2007 16:36

LadyTophamHatt - My DP also sgreed to try for another on Boxing day, must be something about christmas!

I really had to convince DP that I wanted a second and it took him a while to come round but it fely really good when he did. I think I'm the sort of person who will always be broody and have for a few months been mentioning having a third. I had deicded that we would start trying in october 2007 and didn't really get a yes or no from DP. On boxing day we were out for a walk together and DP out of nowhere suggested that if we wanted another we should just start trying now so the age gap won't be too big. He has never suprised as much in my life!
Hopefully I will have a BFP very soon!!!