For those of you who have fallen accidentally or accidentally on purpose pregnant, what effect has it had on your relationship?

[DarrellRivers]

i am interested in your stories, postitive and negative.
for those of you whose DPs have wanted a certain number of children, and then through whatever circumstances, more children than expected arrive.
We have 2 lovely children and i would love a 3rd. DP feels we can only afford 2. I respect his decision on this but we are due another chat re this in a few months, and I would love to hear some stories about expectations being altered by real life circumstances , and I suppose stories from both good and bad sides of the coin would be helpful in discussing this decision with 2 v different viewpoints.
Thanks in advance

FioFio - I thought it didn't quite make sense

I think the Becker baby conceived between strangers in 5 minutes in the broom cupboard at Nobu and Liz Hurley's baby, those are examples probably not of tricking but both sides not taking precautions when they should. Ms H went to court for an order that she should not have to accept the father's money for the child (she didn't want it). The court said she had to take it but it could be left alone in trust until the child is 18. The worse cases are when the man's tricked but as people say below perhaps in those casual relationships he should not trust the woman he's with who's saying I'm on the pill and still use a condom.

Within marriages it's different and I think often some men just would never want to get on and have a child and want to opt out of the decision making process which I don't think is very mature at all but they kind of like it taken out of their hands as this thread shows in large part and usually it works out okay, for the first one or two.

I know someone whose husband (they both work full time on high salaries) really really wanted a 4th and she didn't. They did a deal. She got a very expensive Mercedes if she'd have the 4th for him. The deal worked out fine.

lol Xenia, hope the baby wasnt christened Mercedes

xenia- i think you're very funny, whether you mean to be or not. i do like your posts.

Message deleted

I agree particularly that example I was told about of the man who paid school fees for all but the child imposed on him against his express wishes. I just read an autobiography about a black barrister called Ugly (dreadful child abuse as a child etc) and her mother brought home her baby from hospital and also one born to another mother there who didn't want it. The father not surprisingly didn't want this pretend twin who wasn't his and he never bought it presents or whatever even though it was brought up from birth as just one of the other siblings.

We have three categories -children forced on a parent against their will, children who are genuine accidents and children conceived activekly by both parents.

If a woman seriously doesn't want a baby, then she does something about it, she goes on the pill etc. If a man doesn't want kids, then there is such a thing as a vasectomy! No contraception is 100% and women know that should an accident happen there are other options available to them. For a man, should an "accident" occur he does not have the right to tell the woman what to do.

I think many men don't take their responsibilities seriously enough. If he says no way, ever, to another or any kids, then he should get the snip.

I know this isn't that reliable but it is one of the most effective forms of contraception. He can't leave it all up to the woman and then complain when she gets pregnant!

As for forcing men to have a baby! What do we do? Jump on top of them! It's about time men bloody well took responsibility! We spend years putting false hormones into ourselves, upsetting our natural cycles etc, all they have to do is use a bloody condom and half the time they can't even do that!

Or should we all go "Poor ittle wittle men, not wanting the ittle wittle baby, snot their fault is it? Noooo, it's that bad mad mean old seductive witch!"

Accidents happen. My dd was an accident (funnily enough rhubarb a condom-related accident when my dp taking responsibility). In that situation the couple involved would need to decide what was the best course of action.

But for me to get pregnant on purpose with a third child (whilst maintaining to my dp that it was an accident) WOULD be forcing a baby on him - he has made it perfectly clear he wants to stop at two.

And I think lots of men do see contraception as a shared responsibility - I certainly discuss it with dp.

if you were a man had been have a realtionship for over a year with a women who you live with, she is on the pill shes knows that neither of you are stable enough for a baby she stops taking the pill on purpose to get pg anyway, regardless - he doesnt know that she has stopped taking the pill as she kept it a secret - do you think this is fair or do you think the man should still be using condoms after a years relationship in case he cant trust her with the pill?

is she wrong to get pg by tricking him even though neither of them are in a good position for a baby

Rhubarb- blimey you must know lots of crap partners who refuse to get involved in contraception?.. I agree that you have a right to be angry if this is the case ie if you expressly say ?I would like a baby so I am not going to use contraception, if you don?t want a baby then you should use contraception? ??.. To be honest, even this situation I would find a bit dubious, if my partner had expressly said I don?t want kids then I wouldn?t want to put myself in a position where I could get pregnant (even if I wanted to and even if it meant me taking care of contraception). It?s a recipe for disaster- both parents should actively want to bring a child into the world, its tough enough without having one person not committed- and as someone else has already pointed out really not fair on the child. It smacks of a putting a persons own need to have a child (the warm/ broody feelings they crave being fulfilled) over and above the needs of the child itself. Having a baby really shouldn?t be about what you get out of it but about that new life and the responsibility you have towards it. No doubt you will be unsurprised to learnt that I really disagree with ?accidentally forgetting? to take a pill?..it?s down right deception.
For a long time I really didn?t want kids but always said there was a possibility I might change my mind. And then my OH started to ask repeatedly for me to think about seriously as he wanted them (I had always made it clear before I got married that I was anti- kids and his response was that he would rather be with me and not be a father). He wanted to be able to have a final decision as we were getting near the decision being taken out of our hands. I am now 7 months pregnant, but I have to say, if the tables had been turned and he had been able to get pregnant accidentally (at a point where I didn?t want kids) I would have never forgiven him. I suppose lots of people here have always wanted to have kids so don?t know what it feels like not to want that. But let me tell you when you really don?t want them the thought of having an unplanned child would be awful and to impose this on someone (let alone someone you?re supposed to love and care for) is beyond the pail.

Controversial hijack alert: isn't the pill 99.something% effective? I'm amazed at how many people who are taking the pill have accidental pregnancies...

Quite right Hettie - I simply hated the idea of babies for most of my life - until abouit a yr before I had DS#1. I would have been devastated if I'd fallen pregnant regardless of whether it was through my carelessness or not.

There has to be trust in relationships - I can't understand how anyone can condone deliberate deception in this area.

I think its very depressing that some people think that all men should always use condoms( or have the snip) because they can never believe a woman who says she is on the pill etc.
Even women who they are in long term,stable relationships with.

What about trust and honesty ?

and now dh is responsible for a child through her deception

Hang on a sec - we are not talking about "accidents" here, we are talking about women who deliberately get pregnant when their partner does not want another child.

My first was an accident with dh taking responsibility, i.e. condoms. However he never stated that he didn't ever want kids. I didn't want kids and so when I got pregnant I had that choice. I decided to go ahead with it.

But this thread is about men not wanting children and their partners getting pregnant by deception. I stated that in that case, the man must take responsibility for contraception. If he knows that his partner would be open to other children and he definitely doesn't want any, then surely he should be the one to make sure it doesn't happen? Of course this is presuming that both parties have made their feelings clear to each other.

I have many men friends and having started a website on unplanned pregnancies I have heard many stories of men neglecting to use any form of contraception, presuming that the woman would sort all that out. This is a dangerous and stupid assumption.

Too often women are portrayed as the wicked seducers, using sex to blackmail men. But that presumes that the man has no brain and just lies on a bed and dribbles whilst the woman has her wicked way with him. Why do we let men get away with this? If they don't want babies then they have to have their little penis snipped. Otherwise they take the risk!

And I've already stated that I think it is morally wrong for a woman to deceive a man into thinking that she is taking precautions when she is not.

But I do think all the blame is being attached to women here. Like someone said, the pill is not 100% effective. If the man is 100% certain that he does not want children with that person, then yes he should use condoms too as a backup. But they presume we'll just go ahead and have an abortion don't they? In some cases they try to force women to have abortions because it's not convenient to them.

I'm not anti-men by any means, but I do think they have a lot of growing up to do.

Amen, Rhubarb!

Excellent post!

I fell accidentally pregnant due to condom breakage and MAP failure.

My bf stood by me immediately to support whatever decision I made.

I decided to go through w/it, but miscarried it, unfortunately.

but if you both agree that you dont want kids but the women secretly does want them you can only go on her trust and if you trust someone in that relationship should wearing a condom even come into it then

Lorina I agree with you. Yes both parties should take responsibility for contraception but if you have a couple in a commited (possibly married) relationship. They discuss kids and the man says 'no'. They agree to use contraception and the women 'says' she will take the pill. (assume they have full an open discussion of all possibilities). They agree that they are attracted to each other and both want recreational sex on a frequent and regular basis equally. The woman wants kids and only sees sex as a means to this end, so she lies about enjoying recreational sex and 'forget's' to take her pills.

Is the man;
A) a lazy git because he didn't use condoms with his long term monogamous partner

B) a trusting bloke who believes in his partners word

C) An evil git who should never try to interfere with a woman's 'right' to have as many children as she wants - he should feel grateful for the imposed sleepless nights/ increased financial burden etc.

D) someone who needs to learn to make better choices in partners.

in answer to that it would be B however D also applies and left her because of this and C is WTF

To right, giddy!

I always thought, of people who would trick another into becoming a parent like that, 'What a f*cking loser! To deny your child a father/mother who wants them all b/c of your own selfish wants.'

I mean, what kind of a person is that to want to start off a child's life like that?

WTF?