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Original poster

For those of you who have fallen accidentally or accidentally on purpose pregnant, what effect has it had on your relationship?

167 replies

DarrellRivers · 01/01/2007 17:59

i am interested in your stories, postitive and negative.
for those of you whose DPs have wanted a certain number of children, and then through whatever circumstances, more children than expected arrive.
We have 2 lovely children and i would love a 3rd. DP feels we can only afford 2. I respect his decision on this but we are due another chat re this in a few months, and I would love to hear some stories about expectations being altered by real life circumstances , and I suppose stories from both good and bad sides of the coin would be helpful in discussing this decision with 2 v different viewpoints.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
swiftybaby · 01/01/2007 19:34

my DS (16 mnths) was very much unplanned. We were travelling around Oz at the time, living in a van with no money, income, no house in the UK etc. However i was determined that I wanted the baby an TBH my DP had to just get on with it. Anyway it was the best accident of our lives and we are now on the way to 'planning' no.2 which feels a bit weird tbh.

KentuckyFreudChicken · 01/01/2007 19:42

I can kinda see where Xenia is coming from (although not the sex agreement ). Far too many couples dont talk about how many children they want (if any?) when they get married and when to ttc them.

My friend is 36 and her DH is still dragging his heels about ttc. In fact wouldn't be suprised if he never wanted children. They've been married 8 years now and she always assumed they'd have children but never discussed the 'details'. She's now giving him a year to decide

tribpot · 01/01/2007 19:43

My SIL reached a hilarious compromise with my oldest bro in return for being 'allowed' (?) to have their third child:

  • she must return to work after mat leave (hasn't done it yet, but mainly because she's too busy going to exercise classes and having pedicures, ex-pat lifestyle doncha know)
  • none of the children could go to private school (yeah right, like my bro is going to stick to that one if it comes down to it).

However, what this tells us is that the concern of blokes (somewhat understandably) may be the costs involved in a third child, so it may be best to tackle that one head on.

Original poster
DarrellRivers · 01/01/2007 19:44

Interesting points, and funnily enough some very similar concerns for DH

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 01/01/2007 19:44

People don't talk about these thigns enough before they marry. I had her when I was 22. I knew I needed to get on with it early to have the right numbers. I think it's one reason I married at 21 too.

Glassofwine · 01/01/2007 19:54

I have been married before and ask my H if he wanted lo's before we got married, as I knew I would - he agreed eventually, we were 25. As I approached 30 I got very broody and became fairly obsessed with having a baby even though our marriage wasn't happy - stupid I know. Some of my friends suggested that I accidently on purpose get pg, that he'd be happy once it was here etc. Luckily I had a strong feeling that it would be wrong, not only was there an element of risk, but that i would always know that the baby had be brought into the world on a lie IYKWIM One day I sat down and said that I wanted us to start trying, he went for a walk and came back saying that he wanted to have children but... not with me! That was the day he moved out. If I had done what friends had suggested I would have been in a terrible situation and I am so glad to this day that I did the right thing.

My three now were in varying ways all unplanned and with only 11 months between the last two all a bit of a shock. However they were all wanted and this lovely dh has probably been a bit more keen then me.

tribpot · 01/01/2007 19:56

I don't think cost concerns are entirely unreasonable, to be honest; I am the breadwinner in my family so have the unenviable role of going through pregnancy and childbirth AND earning the dosh (Xenia being not dissimilar but with an entire army to support!).

But I would never consider not having another child because of cost. I think that might be a fundamental difference between men and women - not necessarily a bad one, just a difference. On the other hand, I am wavering about number 2 because dh is so desperately (although not life-threateningly) ill. So maybe to me mere money doesn't seem like a reason not have another child.

Original poster
DarrellRivers · 01/01/2007 20:00

I agree about the fact that most men seem very concerned about the cost of things but I don't know if they ever work out how much it would cost.
I have costed out all the options and perhaps should present them in spreadsheet format for DH so he can appreciate the fact we can afford it.The main cost i can see would be if we opted for private education but we are undecided at present.
Truth be told, I think he worries about getting up in the night and not getting a full forty winks with a newborn.

OP posts:
tribpot · 01/01/2007 20:05

Don't forget uni fees down the line, plus I think it's quite hard to forecast what secondary education will be like in c. 5-10 years' time (not sure of the exact ages of your current 2, but you get my point). Saying yea or nay to private [secondary] education now isn't necessarily sustainable in my view.

It's the horror of a newborn and lack of sleep that is really putting me off, to be honest. Plus being not quite a single parent but sort of 'single and a half' because of dh's condition. I rationalise it by saying that in the long term I will regret more not having a second child than I will having it. Mind you, I hope this doesn't carry on into not having a third, or fourth, or fifth!

tribpot · 01/01/2007 20:05

Don't forget uni fees down the line, plus I think it's quite hard to forecast what secondary education will be like in c. 5-10 years' time (not sure of the exact ages of your current 2, but you get my point). Saying yea or nay to private [secondary] education now isn't necessarily sustainable in my view.

It's the horror of a newborn and lack of sleep that is really putting me off, to be honest. Plus being not quite a single parent but sort of 'single and a half' because of dh's condition. I rationalise it by saying that in the long term I will regret more not having a second child than I will having it. Mind you, I hope this doesn't carry on into not having a third, or fourth, or fifth!

DizzyBint · 01/01/2007 20:05

we discussed it at length before we married. planned to conceive no.1 on our wedding night, she was born 9 months later. then we plan to try for no.2 when no.1 is 2. and that'll be it. we can't afford any more than that as well as keeping our lifestyle the way we like it. i also feel that having any more than 2 will mean i will have to take too much time out of my career. things would be rather awkward if no.2 turned out to be twins, but i guess we'd just have to manage.

sizzixqueen · 01/01/2007 20:15

Similar situation here, DD1 (4) and DD2 (1). Haven't had "the conversation about no. 3" yet, but have generally chatted and DH is more against and I am more for. However, definitely wouldn't get pg accidentally on purpose, I would feel like I had tricked him and would feel too guilty.

giddy1 · 01/01/2007 21:09

Message deleted

Nemo2007 · 01/01/2007 21:12

I am 38wks with a none planned pregnancy. Dh only wanted 2 once we had ds[3] and dd[12mths] but none the less we caught with this baby. It hasnt affected our relationship in anyway as with both our other children[who we did actively try to concieve] when we lay down in bed for sex we knew it was a possible risk regardless of whether you use protection or not.

ediemcreedie · 01/01/2007 21:15

I find it odd that intelligent women are pg " accidentally".

giddy1 · 01/01/2007 21:18

Message deleted

Mercy · 01/01/2007 21:24

Haven't read the whole thread but ediemcreedie I don't understand your comment. What do you mean by accidentally?

ediemcreedie · 01/01/2007 21:28

I think that you must be pretty dim not to know how to use contraception.

Original poster
DarrellRivers · 01/01/2007 21:30

However all methods do have a documented failure rate

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 01/01/2007 21:30

erm just about every form of contraception, including sterilization and vasectomy has a small failure rate, regardless of whether soemone has used it perfectly. On the other hand i am quite happy to admit that my PG was accidental due to a rather dim use of the rhythm method

elvive · 01/01/2007 21:31

Yes I agree, I think that some mothers are disingenuous.

mummytosteven · 01/01/2007 21:32

moving back to the OP - one thing I would be rather tempted to do would be to say to DP/DH - if you are the one that doesn't want any more, you take responsibility for the contraception.

Nemo2007 · 01/01/2007 21:40

agree with MTS last comment that is something I did say to DH and have again reiterated this time. So he has been to see Gp about vasectomy but not done anything since..taking his life into his own hands

swiftybaby · 01/01/2007 21:48

i was on the pill when i got preggers - like to think that I am reasonably intelligent too!!!

Judy1234 · 01/01/2007 22:12

I've never used contraception myself. So I don't see how I can be to blame for the babies. As for the 7 deal he was 6 years older. He also knew I would support them all, so he wasn't taking on a financial commitment. Arguably it drove him made, depressed, suicidal and broke up the marriage. He said they're ruined his life - the twins. Conversely he may have been like that anyway and it was unrelated. He did have a massive house, nanny, cleaner, my big income and didn't even have to work by that point so he wasn't exactly be burdneed by those gorgeous little twin babies was he? But it was never a loving nice marriage anyway, not like most on this thread so I wouldn't really use it as an example on this issue.

If you get pregnant accidentally on purpose he might force you to abort which legally he doesn't have a right to do. He might say I will divorce you unless you abort. People need to think about how they would deal with this. Having a child without one parent's consent is possibly equivalent to rape by the way particularly if you expect the man and not you to support it.

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