Still moving forward. Bank/fraud now sorted but everything else still the same

[HoppingForward]

I now have access to my own account online with his access removed.

I've changed passwords to everything and a new name here. Please don't write my previous NN on here paranoid feel free to PM if you have an idea of the back story for needing to start this new thread.

Still lots to do appointments wise and he is still a stupid bastard playing mind games. But in his mind it's all my doing.

And here he goes again.

It's now the Easter holiday so we all have Friday and Monday as well as the weekend off work and school. For the two week holidays I have arranged childcare via friends and holiday clubs.

The last message I sent him was on Monday with the screen shots of his convo with pub wife to be telling him to NEVER contact me again.

So today he is arranging to see the DC on Saturday afternoon, via DC on the house phone and mobiles, that's it. No set times, no email to me first (I know I said no contact but I meant no more "I love you, can't live/eat/breath without you" messages.

So I'm now left waiting to see what he arranges through a 14yr old who really wants to go out with her friends and an 8yr old.

I feel like I should email him. One Sat afternoon is not enough, I can't wait to see my solicitor next week, shall I just leave him to it till then or email?

So I'm now left waiting to see what he arranges through a 14yr old who really wants to go out with her friends and an 8yr old.
^^
Stop this! Do not allow him to arrange things directly with the children, that is him still controlling you and he is putting unnecessary stress on to the children which they are not capable of handling, more evidence of his abusive behaviour.

I agree.
Tell the children they are not to make arrangements with him of any sort.
Reply to him, in relation to his contact to them, telling him when it's convenient for all of you and he can take it or leave it. Or he could offer a reasonable proposal with reasonable advanced warning.
Something like:
they'll be available to see you X to X, please let me know by Y time if that's OK or not. If you don't let me know, they'll spend Easter with me.

I'm feeling really sad this evening. I'm trying to figure out why.
I don't miss him, I think "what would I feel if he was here now" and I don't want him here now but I know it's because I know he is moving on with the pub with to be and as much as I shouldn't care. We were married for 15 years and part of me wishes what he was writing in his emails was possibly true.

And now deep down I know he never meant a word, I wasn't enough for him. DC are enjoying Disney dad and I'm struggling to do a full day at work whilst watching my money and worrying about paying the bills.

I want to make plans for the long weekend, older DC do as well and I feel like I'm hanging around for him. Doesn't help that I know he has the keys to his new rental tonight I suppose. And he will want to see the DC on Saturday with enough time to meet pub wife to be as well.

I've emailed him asking him to let me know his plans, timings don't seem to have been arranged via the DC and we need to communicate about this because it's not fair to put it on the DC.

no.
email should say, "Any eventual plan to see DCs, is to be arranged with me. not with them. & I wish to know exactly what time you plan to collect & exactly what time you return in order to be able to organise the others & myself"
if you chose to ignore this request you will not see them at all. & it will be organised by the appropriate authorities."

I did put in there that I can't make DD1 Available if I'm not aware because I have my own plans for the long weekend and asked t if he planned to see them other than a couple of hours on Saturday.

I hate all of this, and I hate him just swanning about doing what he wants whilst I'm restricted here.

I second an email along the lines of mix's. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it is NOT acceptable for him to make arrangements directly with the children, that all arrangements are to be businesslike and through you.

Would you be able to sit down and figure out a basic schedule for April and email it to him and say 'The children need to have a routine and a schedule of visits with you to provide them with needed stability. Here is the schedule for April, if you wish to make any adjustments you may email me directly no later than XX days before the date you wish to change. Failure to do so may mean that the children will NOT be available for your preferred date '. No more of this yanking you and them around to suit his little life.

He's a real jerk. I'd like to shove a shit pie right in his gob!

Forgot; I think you need to find a way to gently say to the children that if their father wants to make arrangements to see them that they need to say that he needs to talk to you first. That you understand that when he asks they may want to jump and say 'yes' but that, just like any plans, you need to know before they agree. Tell them to answer "I'd like that Daddy, but you'll need to talk to Mummy first". That that is what grown up parents do to make things easier for their children.

Across and mix have come up everything you need to say to him, and no more. You don't have to bend over backwards to make everything easy for him; you do need to make things easier for your children.

Take the decision out of their hands - they don't need that burden if responsibility - and tell them to respond to ex as Across suggested.

I've done everything suggested. He has come back with an email saying he has rented a unfurnished house and is entitled to 50% of what is in our home.

When I told him his bin bag of last stuff will be on the lawn in the morning and if he doesn't take it I will put it in the wheelie bin he came back and said he will show the children the emails and suggested I show my solicitor.

He is bonkers.

Either no reply at all or a reply saying that division of household property will be handled through solicitors. If there are bits and bobs that you have, like extra kitchen goods, a guest room bed, a table or such I'd probably offer them (if I could get them out of the house myself) as 'a convenience until formal division of property takes place'. But the absolutely last thing you want to be doing is walking around the house with him and arguing about 'who gets what'. I don't remember, does he still have access to the house? If so, do you believe that you may come home to a 'looted' house? I'd do something about that if I were you, up to and including removing precious (to you) items for safekeeping.

As far as showing the children your emails, as far as I know is there really anything about them that would be upsetting to them? If, however, he's saying he will show them emotionally-charged 'personal' emails you sent him early on when you were still crushed about his behaviour and/or wanted him back, I wonder if that could be considered blackmail or harassment. I'd absolutely contact your solicitor.

Clarify; 2nd para, 1st sentence. The them I'm referring to is the children themselves as opposed to just the emails alone.

That sort of threat of putting the children in the middle should be enough to limit to supervised contact. He clearly can't be trusted to have their best interest at heart.

I'd say to him yes I'll be consulting a solicitor all right, and will make sure they see the emails where you threaten to use the children in the way you've stated.

My advice would be don't tip your hat by saying you're going to talk to your solicitor, just do it. Forewarned is forearmed and you don't want him to be forearmed.

Plus, since none of us (I assume) is a solicitor you really don't know whether or not your solicitor is going to say 'You've got him now!' or 'Sorry, these emails mean nothing legally'. You don't want him to be able to say (or think) 'Neener-neener ha-ha, can't touch me!' if the emails mean nothing and you've threatened him over them. It'll only embolden him.

But do call your solicitor ASAP and let them know that he's threatening to show your children emails that may be 'emotionally charged' and 'potentially damaging' to them.

It's all so boring and predictable. I don't want to get him with emails. I just want the DC to have a nice day and for him to act like an adult.

It's been just DD3 and me today, her sisters have been with friends. We went to the farm and then for dinner and she talked non stop about seeing daddies new house, what she wants to do with daddy, hopes he has a garden etc. I smiled, nodded and joined in, I want them to be happy.

You are so lovely. You're right. Your DDs' welfare is above all else.

I tried to make contact with my mum this week. I haven't seen her for 3 years (around the time I decided to make my exit plan from him) she was too much extra problems to deal with, no role model for my then, young DC.

I only have 1 cousins contact details so I emailed her asking for my mums contact details so I could talk to her. My cosin replied today telling me my mum is happy now, doesn't want any contact with me or DC.

It's probably for the best, she wasn't a great grandmother but it still hurts. I have no family to lean on or help me, it's just me and my girls.

Ah mate. That's shit. Nothing to add other than thinking of you. You're obviously a fantastic mother and a credit to your girls. Repeat that to yourself when you're feeling low.

I'm doing the best I can.

We are a happier unit without him. It just hurts to know he is moving on so quickly and my only link to family, apart from elderly Gps don't care.

Oh,, well. I suppose it's better for me to open all old wounds and deal with the now.

Do you know which town your mother lives in? you will be able to find her address on electoral role.
I doubt if you are the mother in question, that you would want your niece deciding if
providing your address or not to "lost" daughter was her decision to make.
you could just send a letter.

Or try through elderly gps.

Thinking of you and your dcs.

Remember when he starts going on about he's entitled to 50% of the house you can remind him that he's not as it is still the DDs home and the priority in the eyes of the law is that they are housed appropriately.

TBH I would decide on fixed contact and inform him and the DDs what that is. If he isn't happy with what you offer then he'll need to take you to court.

I suggest each Wednesday after school until 7pm and then alternate weekends. Although I think you said no overnights (due to his behaviour I can't remember what happened) Shock horror he may have to pay for and arrange childcare if he can't collect them from school.

The down side of him not having them overnight is that you will never get a break I'm afraid.

You must do what feels right to you, but I think I would let actually reconnecting with your mother wait until things are more 'settled' with your stbx. You've already got one complicated and emotionally charged situation on your hands, you don't need another one to deal with right now.

I'm doing the best I can. And your best is just fine!

As far as 'family', remember that family is what you make it. Once you emerge from this you'll be able to devote more time and energy to creating your own circle, your own 'family' made up of friends you can rely on.