Still moving forward. Bank/fraud now sorted but everything else still the same

[HoppingForward]

I now have access to my own account online with his access removed.

I've changed passwords to everything and a new name here. Please don't write my previous NN on here paranoid feel free to PM if you have an idea of the back story for needing to start this new thread.

Still lots to do appointments wise and he is still a stupid bastard playing mind games. But in his mind it's all my doing.

Oh, Hopping

I know you're venting here, and it's the safe place to do so!

But, really, do you want twunt to text your DD?!? Today? Of course not!

Yes, today is your day.

And it's last minute. Too late.

Too late. DD3 had my phone and read the text message - just a short "get DD3 to call me"

She called him and then came pottering down the stairs with him opn the phone asking if it's ok to go out with daddy for an hour.

He does it on purpose, I've told him time and time again to email, not text.

I couldn't say no, that would make me the bad guy in our 7yr olds eyes so she has now gone off wth him and the rest of us are making cookies and I'm having a Mother's Day glass of wine

What a fucking arsehole. But at least he's predictable. As hard as it is, you've done the right thing. No point in upsetting DD3 and giving him more to moan about.

I think, if you're really serious about email, you'll need to let him know somehow that you are going to block him on your phone unless he actually has one of the children with him OR is scheduled to pick them up that day.

He is late bringing her back, I've just picked up a voicemail from DD3 to let me know she will be back by 6pm ish.

He has also sent a text "can we please sort through this"

I've replied, ignored the text message and asked him to get DD3 something to eat as dinner is ready and she didn't really want chilli anyway.

Once I have her home I will email him and tell him I'm blocking communication via mobile phone to avoid what happened today etc.

Happy fucking Mother's Day, he is so predictable it is nearly amusing.

Just found you.
Don't let him wind you up.
Set out some reasonable ground rules and ask him politely to stick by them i.e however many hours/days notice of contact with DD3 arranged between yourselves.
Explain to DD3 re how it's important to have fixed times/days.
Do keep in contact with school re DD2, whatever her previous behaviour may have been like, if the current stuff is directly related to home life then ask school to come up with different way of dealing with it. If being put on report is for specific school stuff then it's important that her feelings are acknowledged while her way dealing with it is explored i.e. it's very different being defiant or not doing your homework or not wearing correct uniform because you are just being a teenager to feeling very upset about your father's appalling behaviour to your mother and the rest of the family and acting out your feelings

Time to set up your bingo card with his predicted behaviour. It'd be good for you to realise you know his MO and can celebrate your predictions at the same time as cursing him.

Hang in there. Every day that passes is another day to you being the master of your own destiny insert unmumsnetty hugs here

I do think it's time to get past the Bingo card and take control.

And that does mean having set times to see the children, if they want. Enough warning and protected times, such as today.
You can explain your position to the children.

DD3 is now home with a fish n chips dinner.

Sorry Dun I did pm a couple with my new username but tbh the IWasHappy stuff going on has nerves me a bit, I wish this wasn't my/our life but it is and I find MN a great support, hate thinking people are reading with their troll radar on. I stuck up for IWas when she started her apology thread, we pm'd each other, it's all weird at the minute.

He asked DD3 why DD2 (school problems, was dad's favourite) won't talk to him and told her he won't see her on her birthday because I won't like it, why does he keep telling her the opposite of what I tell her even though I've told him not to

I do think it's time to get past the Bingo card and take control

Even better when you can get to that stage Hopping

why does he keep telling her the opposite of what I tell her even though I've told him not to

Because you've told him not to.

Don't tell him anything. Don't direct him at all. Or ask him anything. He will just use it to annoy you.

As for your DDs, let them decide who is telling the truth and who isn't. Who is looking for their best interest and who isn't.

At some point I had DS tell me that he believed me and not his dad. Because he was consistently lying to him.

And now the begging texts have started.

I've sent one back, email only please DD3 will have my phone for bed (I know, I know) his reply isn't even readable and sent by fucking text message. I've blocked him and DD3 has till 8pm then lights out.

Hey Hopping, I read your last thread and wanted to say I'm so pleased your doing so well now. Your a very strong lady

It's all about him retaining control. You want email, so he'll text. You want a set schedule, so he'll text whenever saying he wants them. And on it goes. Sigh. Frustrating as hell, but remember it will end at some point. You may have to fight it out in court but eventually you'll have a schedule for access that he'll need to abide by.

The birthday bullshit is just his way of trying to ensure that he has her on her birthday. Pretty obvious ploy if you ask me; I'll tell DD that mum won't let me see her because 'mum won't like it', that way she'll have to let me see her to prove to DD she isn't being obstructive. Court will take care of that, too, as hopefully birthdays and holidays will be spelt out.

What an arse. It's too bad he's too fucking selfish to see what's best for DDs.

Hopping, has there been any further news from your solicitor about a court date?

Nothing Iam I have a note to call her tomorrow in my diary because I spoke to her a week ago on Thursday and she said she was sending legal aid forms to me "it was worth a shot" but I've not received anything yet.

The only people I've heard back from is the council tax

So still waiting on WTC and CM.

He sent an email in the end so I've sent one back telling him again it is over, no more 2nd, 3rd chances. He has a chance to build a relationship with his DC and in time a friendship with me because of the DC but nothing else and surprise suprise no reply back.

DD3 in floods of tears again tonight, only just finished settling her on a school night and I ended up having a go at the older two so, lovely, I spoiled Mother's Day when they tried so hard to make it nice.

I'm now feeling like I'm living in limbo land and need to take control, call the solicitor and see where this form is, chase Cm & WTC, get ready to return to work and find a way of not flying off the handle like I did tonight.

Poor star is hiding in the downstairs loo although I think that's more to do with the heating being fixed than my bellowing "just goooooo to bed" it's hard when DD3 starts with the you don't love me, I'm going to live with dad and DD1 in the room next door (nearly 14) shouting "go on then, good luck!"

I'm being too nice in letting him see DD3 on a whim, need to think about setting times for phone calls and collecting etc. All I actually want to do is watch call the midwife in peace but there you go.

You can address all this in the morning. There's nothing wrong with sharing that you never wanted things to end this way which is why you are sad but that it is over because your and tgeir dad don't bring out the best in each other and things have changed. That they have been the best thing that's ever happened to you both and that if it hadn't been for them, you'd not have had the happiness you have had in life and that you love them more than anyone else in the world.

I'm really trying to word an email but struggling. He keeps on about transferring bills to my own account. I haven't replied because we haven't heard back about WTC or CM.

I've called WTC and now know the amount being paid and I've got to call WTC back this afternoon to speak to the case worker.

It's a joint mortgage with a house loan attached to it. Is it fair that I say we should pay half each of these for now? He then pays CM and the DC stay in the house with me whilst we arrange the divorce?

That I wouldn't know about. I guess you'd need to speak to an expert on that?

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

DD1 isn't very well now so I have her at home.

I've called another solicitors and they have taken my details to call back, haven't heard anything from the people I spoke to two weeks ago.

I'm looking forward to going back to work but I'm worried about money and being able to stay in the house, what he needs to pay etc, just another thing to try and work out I suppose.

I'd suggest you let the solicitor's office know that he is pressuring you to come to some type of financial arrangement. IMO that all needs to be done with your solicitor's input. Otherwise you may risk having something less than favourable to you 'rubber stamped' by a judge because his solicitor says 'Well, she's been happy with paying XYZ until now!'. If stbx wants to put some type of 'offer' in writing for you to consult your solicitor about, fine. But don't willy nilly try to figure out what's 'fair' all by yourself. You don't know enough to do that. You don't know what your future earnings will be nor when you'll actually start working, you don't know what a judge may decide about the house or other assets. As far as what to tell him….I'd just say the truth. That you're waiting to speak to your solicitor about finances.

You are in limbo land, I think that's pretty normal during separation/divorce. So yes, take control of what you can, even if it's chasing papers. And I agree with setting up some sort of visit schedule for DD3. I think it would be beneficial for her, too, not to have to be worrying about when and whether or not she'll see her dad. Think about what might work for you, and for her.

As far as last evening, hey, we all have 'those days' with our DC. It's part of raising children so don't beat yourself up because your DDs were squabbling. Yes, there's the 'I'm going to live with Dad' aspect which is hurtful, but remember that it IS just words.

Today's a new day. Deep breath, stretch, KOKO.

So where is he living now ? in the car still ? presumably not, if DD3 "wants to go live there". (Don't worry, she doesn't !)
He can just wait re who pays what, one or two months paying mortgage etc isn't going to make any difference. he is putting pressure on as he knows you are going to struggle. But don't play, he screwed up your marriage. he is paying for it now.
Re DD3, if each time she goes to see him, she comes home crying & unconsolable, then you have to tell him she is so upset, she can't see him.
God knows what bollox he is saying to her.

Hey - just wanting to say i hope everything is going okay - are you back at work now?

Hopping, how are you doing ?

I can't believe its been nearly two months since I started my first thread, so scared and lost. I literally feel like a differen person now.

WTC all in place and we have agreed for now that he pays the mortgage instead of CM and I pay the bills.

He cancelled all the direct debits and sounded mighty peeved when he asked how I'm getting on sorting it all out and I could tell him it's all done. I got a "you have wiped me out of your life so easily" style email of which I ignored.

He hates being ignored and often sends emails demanding to be answered, which I dont. His nice guy phase is passing and we had words this morning over contact with the DC.

I will make all 3 available to him on a Sunday but can't force them to go. So far DD3 has been every time, DD1 once, last weekend but didn't want to go this weekend and DD2 still doesn't want to talk to him.

All my fault of course