how do i forget the bad things?

[HauntedChair]

i'm really struggling to let go of the horrible things my OH has said and done in the past, i just don't seem to be able to totally forget and hate that he thinks everything is fine while i have this quiet resentment bubbling away which makes me feel like i'm just treading water while life chugs along around me.

i don't want to throw away 15 years together and the life we've built, but on the other hand i'm worried that i'll still be feeling like this in another 15 with regrets that i didn't get out sooner.

if i could just move on in my head!

has anyone else felt like this? if so how did you let go?

Hauntedchair, I've only just read this thread. You have come so far! Of course he will try to manipulate you into doubting your new insight and your very self. He doesn't want to lose the current situation as it is totally set up to meet his abusive needs. It's like his own little kingdom. He'll fight to keep it.
Have you talked again to WA since? They must have seen his tactics a million times before. And the effect.
You can follow your plans and get out of this.

He's an expert manipulator as you already know.
He's doing that again.
Are you OK?
Are you getting away from him?

i've not been back since my last post as i've felt so foolish about all of my "brave talk".

he knows he was a total arsehole in the past, he's changed, it's not who he is anymore. it's me who needs to accept this, it might be my depression, relationship counselling might help.
i expected to feel relief but instead utter sadness and grief swept over me that i was was completely unprepared for. it knocked me for six and made me feel so bloody confused that i ended up backing down and giving in.

that's the general gist of how it went.

so everything has gone back to normal, well normal plus actually as he's so nice, he's literally never been so helpful and kind. which tbh is just irritating the hell out of me as it shows that he can, but has chosen not to previously.

anyway, i'm OK. i just feel bloody stupid, and even more suffocated and trapped than before.

i'm reading the lundy bancroft book, which is helping me make sense of a lot of my feelings and slowly making new plans.

Haunted. You can do this, at your own pace.

Please don't feel foolish

It's like quitting smoking . Some people just go cold turkey . Others take several attempts ( I think the average is 5) before they manage to quit for good.

You need to find the right way for you

thank you both.

i'm at the stage now where i know it needs to end, i just don't seem to be able to actually do it.

can't go into too much detail, but some of the reasons are temporary and just (just!) need waiting out. some will make me look heartless due to timing but i can't change them so...

but some of it is that there's a niggly part of part of my brain that actually believes he has changed, almost that i'd be the unreasonable one ending it now, i've put up with all the truly awful times, so why now?
at the same time the louder part knows he hasn't, it's still there just under the surface, i'm still anxious and depressed, still worry what he'll say if i don't answer my phone when he calls or get home when i'm expected, basically still can't be myself.

it's like i've seen our whole relationship from the outside and know it's wrong but at the same time sort of wish i hadn't because it would be easier to keep on as we are, i can't seem to get my head around it all and see clearly.

Haunted I was hoping someone else would reply because I worry that I may not say the right things.... but here's my thoughts. Maybe this will bump your thread for the support you need.

I remember seeing your update 13 May and feeling like I got exactly what you said and feeling concerned. I feel it was the same position I had found myself in. My take on it is that when you tried to end it you were doing the right thing. I tried too at the beginning of this year and ended up trying to fix things, it's my depression etc.

My thoughts about your situation.....you need to leave, him changing is not good enough, he has behaved as he did because of a huge problem with how he sees you, has he really changed that? Does he get that? Or will it be shit again, and you will have lost a bit more of your sanity, a bit more of yourself.

The "trying" period where he behaves differently has probably been a headfuck for you because it undermined the clarity you had found. The clarity which is both terrifying when you see what your relationship is, but at the same time brings relief because it makes sense of the depression and anxiety you feel.

Even if he has changed, is it enough that he does it to keep you? Is that love? I don't know.

So hang on to what you know. And ignore the niggles.

I want to say good things about leaving, about it being ok, about you can do it.... but I haven't actually done it yet. But I am trying to believe those things.

I may have totally projected my own feelings here. But some of the things you say feel so similar to things I could have said.

I hope there will be others along to share their wisdom and give you the encouragement you need to work out and do what is right for you.

updown what you say about the "trying" period is spot on, i just couldn't put my finger on it until you said it.

and you are also on the money about how he sees me, and no i don't think he has, or ever will, truly accept or change that. he might not say it out loud now, but it's still there and i can see it all the same - in looks and sighs and sulks and the like.

thank you for your reply, i'm finding that perspective from the outside is very helpful.
and i'm so sorry that you also find yourself in a similar position

Im glad my reply was relevant. Its easy to just tell your own story sometimes when that might not be helpful.
I hope you find the strength you need. I will watch out for updates.

Haunted - never feel like you can't come back here. Of course he sucked you back in, twisting the truth and controlling you is what he does! It would be incredible if you had got out first time, because he knows exactly how to make you do what he wants.
Of course he's being super nice, he's manipulating you into thinking you should stay with him.
You are smart though - you know you shouldn't stay with him and you know he hasn't changed, not really.
Can you tell us your plans?

i have plans in my head, but they're still covering all the bases type plans - i need to see how he decides to behave before i can decide which route to take. very frustrating, and not helping my muddled brain.

at the moment i'm both determined and unsure at the same time, if that's even possible...
on the one hand i can see a future where i make my own choices, don't have to worry about what mood he'll be in, don't tiptoe around for fear of doing some (unknown) thing to piss him off, go out when i like without having to think of a "reason", and basically feel relaxed and free.
on the other i can't shake the feeling that i should give him another chance. but the thought makes me feel miserable, so i guess that's my answer right there!

it's just so difficult to switch feelings off

can someone help me to understand please?

i've been reading a lot here at MN and much of it is very helpful and confirms that i need to go, and that it's my right to end the relationship, that i don't need to keep going into my reasons and getting sucked back in etc.

but i've also been reading a lot of threads started by the "other parties", the ones who have been left. and there's so much said about how cruel it is to not be given an opportunity to work on things, to not be given a reason. so from his point of view, how am i not being cruel and heartless?
i've also noticed that people are very quick to jump to the OW/OM conclusion when one partner starts to detach. over the past 6-8 months i've; lost weight, taken greater care of my appearance & health, slowly gained a bit of confidence and have actually been out once or twice. all of this i can now see is a sort of waking up, and most certainly NOT for anyone's benefit but my own - but it does concern me that others may assume otherwise.

my head is such a mess!

It's not cruel and unfair not to give the other party reasons and chances if the other party is abusive.

Omg haunted how are you doing?

I have no answers but skim reading your posts is like reading about my own relationship and i just wanted to say i know how you feel.

Ive long had this guilt over my head about not giving my dp a chance. Whenever i raise stuff with him he just says i havent given him a chance and he'a trying.

Four and a half years in though things are certainly becoming clearer although right now i cant leave for various reasons one being im not completely sure i want to. I guess like you, clinging onto the good parts.

Ive had counselling about it all before, it did help.

LadyStark i know that should be the case, but am struggling to see how i won't end up the bad guy in all this by taking that approach - i guess i need to stop worrying so much about what others (who don't know the whole story) will think.

ginger yeah, i recognize clinging onto the good parts, have done that for so many years now that it'd almost become second nature!
however, the switch has been flicked and it's like a light shining on all the bad stuff and i can't switch it off or see past it, so even the good stuff feels tainted now.
with hindsight, there were many, many times i should have (and probably could have more easily) left - if your situation is like mine, please don't waste any more of your life, i massively regret it and wish i'd had MN in our early days.

can't believe that i started this thread nearly four months ago, it feels like yesterday, but also spurs me on to not waste any more of my life.
i'm still not financially in a position to leave, but if i let that stop me i'll never get out so i'm doing it anyway. money can't buy happiness and all that!

Have you plans of where you are going etc?

Our situation is a little more complicated. Something traumatic happened to us both that ties us together. I am scared noone else will ever understand not sure he does tbh but i guess it only affected him as much as it did me. This would have a big impact on my life going forward and my future if i ever went into another relationship.

Its great seeing how your strength has increased throughout the posts it sounds like you are doing well.

Just read your thread, Haunted - I rarely comment on relationships threads but just wanted to say I think that perhaps what might help is focusing on the fact that you don't want to be with him any more, and nothing else actually matters. It's a free country, and if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone, however good or crap your reasons, you don't have to be. Obviously your partner is abusive, which totally negates any 'rights' he has to work on things, but even if he wasn't, he has clearly shown by his reaction to you telling him it was over that he doesn't care how you think or feel.

A 'normal' response to your partner unexpectedly telling you they no longer love you and want to leave might well involve devastation and shock and wanting them to stay, but surely it should also involve a genuine recognition that they are a person in their own right who is obviously very unhappy with the relationship, and giving them the space they have said they need? Not telling them they're being stupid and then smothering them with niceness to convince them there's nothing wrong and they can't trust their own feelings?

People who post on here saying their partners want to leave (even in cases where the leaving partner has been cheating/ being a shit) are usually told to make them leave, have space and see what happens. Because ultimately a relationship cannot work if its isn't between two equal adults who both want to be in the relationship. I'm probably rambling and I hope you don't think I'm in any way comparing you to people who twattily abandon their partners - all I'm trying to say is that you have every right to leave the relationship for ANY reason, and your partner should recognise that or he isn't viewing you as an autonomous person. But you already know that.

Plus in terms of being seen as the bad guy - he will, but once you're no longer with him that will not matter. And presumably everyone you care about will hear your side, and will know your real reasons for leaving?

i’m pretty sure he’s now checking up on me via whatsapp. he’s never used it before and any time i’ve clicked on his profile (i use it for messaging my family mainly but sometimes click on the wrong name) his “last seen” has always been way back.
a few days ago i clicked on his name accidentally and just as i was about to click off again i noticed he’d been online about half an hour back, which was when i’d last been on my phone. not sure why but i just had a feeling he was checking up on me, now every time i use my phone he’s straight on, less than a minute afterwards.
i don’t know what he hopes to gain from this – i’ve never hidden the fact that i use it instead of text messages, it just seems so odd.

i’m kidding myself if i believe that he’s changed at all, aren’t i?

This is who he is, there isn't another non abusive version of him waiting to pop up.

deep down i do know that.

it's just so hard to actually make myself leave, one minute i think i'm ready, usually when i'm away from him, and the next i crumble like a pathetic heap, feeling guilty for hurting him.

i've confronted him about the checking up and he admitted it after some pushing but says i have made him feel insecure by talking about splitting up so have to accept some of the blame.

i'm just so worn out by it all and can't think straight anymore.

He hasn't change. He won't change. You do not have to accept part, all or any of the blame. He is almost definitely stalking you, could he be using the iPhone facility?

Could you call WA again and start getting your head back in the right place? They are absolutely used to women who give their partners another chance. It's just so very, very difficult to resist The Charm and the whipped puppy but you will find the strength.

Finally, could I suggest that when you are ready to go either leave while he is out or tell him with someone, perhaps your DB and then leave immediately otherwise you risk violence or the same cycle of behaviour and he's clearly very good at it.

for you.

Sorry but no, you don't have to accept any blame
He hasn't & never will change, please don't waste any more of your life with this man.

I know the confusion you feel, having gone through something similar. You'll not get his 'permission' to end the relationship or the closure you seek - where he admits he was abusive.

Please do leave.xxx

he does what he does because of who he is - yet he blames you and somehow you accept that. You need to call WA. This man will not get better nor admit he is an abuser. For your own sanity and safety you need to leave. Or will you come back in another 6 months with more excuses?

i do see it, when i can think clearly.
the problem is when he starts talking and persuading, emotions come into it and it's like i can't think straight. he says what i want to hear and i get sucked back in. i just don't know how to find the strength to resist believing him.

i will call WA again next week, hopefully speaking to someone will help me get my resolve back.