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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do i forget the bad things?

132 replies

HauntedChair · 27/02/2016 20:09

i'm really struggling to let go of the horrible things my OH has said and done in the past, i just don't seem to be able to totally forget and hate that he thinks everything is fine while i have this quiet resentment bubbling away which makes me feel like i'm just treading water while life chugs along around me.

i don't want to throw away 15 years together and the life we've built, but on the other hand i'm worried that i'll still be feeling like this in another 15 with regrets that i didn't get out sooner.

if i could just move on in my head!

has anyone else felt like this? if so how did you let go?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/03/2016 20:13

Punching fist thru wall is violence

You could ask yourself if such a thing would be acceptable behaviour from a teacher in s school in front of children .

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 04/03/2016 20:38

I was trapped in a relationship with a man exactly like your oh for almost eight years.

When I eventually found the strength to leave I met my current oh after about a year. I'm still amazed every day that this is what a real, loving relationship should be like. I don't walk on eggshells, he's easy going and does his share of childcare and housework. In short he is a man, not a man-child like your oh and my ex.

You have one life. You deserve to be happy and free from stress at home - the one place we have which should be our safe haven. That goes for your daughter too.

I'm going to say this, not to bully or coerce you, but to give you determination and strength. My dad is the same type. I grew up with it and I thought it was normal. I believe that is why I ended up with my ex. Many daughters of men like this end up with the same type because they think the relationship dynamic between their parents is normal. You can show her that women do not need to live with this.

Good luck with the counselling, hopefully it can help you see clearly - I understand all too well the fog that you are in right now. Thanks

petalsandstars · 05/03/2016 15:08

I'm slightly concerned that you're not married, the house is in his sole name and your savings are tied up in the house. How does that work? Why have you put money into it without your name on it? I can't see him ever agreeing to give it you back if there's no legal document involved.

Original poster
HauntedChair · 05/03/2016 21:44

i know petal, it was a huge mistake.

i did say i wanted legal advice and he agreed, but once everything was ready to go with the house, with every penny accounted for, he said there was no need as he'd never rip me off and that he wasn't prepared to pay for any of the extra legal costs, knowing full well i didn't have any money left.
if i'd seen then what i can see now there's no way i'd allow it, but at the time he made me feel like i was being unreasonable Blush

stuck doesn't begin to cover it Sad

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 05/03/2016 22:16

If you can prove you put money into the house you may have a claim but depends on amount. It may not be worth chasing few thousand if court costs will be more.. but if you can show the intention was joint ownership....

But you may have to cut your losses ..ypu work what can you rent ? Can you get deposit together ?

NameChange30 · 05/03/2016 23:54

How are you getting on this weekend? While he was away you were going to look through the paperwork... I think you were also planning to call about counselling and/or call Women's Aid? Let us know if you need some encouragement or hand holding to do that.

Original poster
HauntedChair · 14/03/2016 17:13

got a bit worried about being found online and panicked, but just being paranoid i think Blush so i'm back Grin

i did get all the documents i could together and have hidden them. also have a free half hour initial solicitors appointment booked, not for a couple of weeks yet but that's ok as i can't start anything until late summer anyway.

i've not spoken to WA yet but i am still want to, just haven't been able to shake the feeling that i'll just be told i'm wasting their time. have spoken again to my colleague about the situation though, she's been lovely and assured me that when the time comes that she and work as a whole will help support me as much as possible.

really started to notice how much effort it takes to try to keep him in a good mood, it's so damn tiring and i can't be bothered with it. yes, things have got easier, but only because i have learnt not to rock the boat. feel like screaming all the time Angry

everything seems to have ground to a halt for the time being, which is very frustrating Sad

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/03/2016 20:10

You will not be told you are wasting their time .

Original poster
HauntedChair · 19/03/2016 19:38

finally plucked up the the courage to phone WA a couple of days ago, they were great. said that there is still support for me even though i'm not in a position to leave yet. i have a face to face appointment just after easter, the lovely woman i spoke to said they will assess my risk, but said from what i told her she felt sure i would be considered high risk (that sent me into a full blown panic attack so had to call back later) and will advise on safety strategies while i get a longer term plan together.

i can't express how much relief i felt just having told someone! thank you for encouraging me to make the call!

i'm still struggling to get my head round what i've been putting up with and accepting as normal for so long though, it's like even though my brain can see it i still don't feel it. i actually feel a bit numb tbh. does that make any sense at all?
doesn't help that he's being really nice atm (i know that sounds odd, i should be pleased!?) so i keep thinking maybe i'm over-reacting. it's all just so confusing.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/03/2016 19:41

Bullies /abusive people are not like that all the time. They can be super nice and charming. But it doesn't justify the other times.
Keep talking to watch
Keep noting and recalling the other stuff.

Original poster
HauntedChair · 14/04/2016 19:18

i think i'm going to need some hand holding to stop me from wobbling.

i'm telling him that it's over this weekend. it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and waiting it out just won't work now.

it doesn't matter what he does/says because even though the worst of it is in the past, the damage is done and i see now that i can't forget how he's made me feel all these years.

i don't hate him, i just can't live like this anymore.

the legal advice is that my situation re finances is not great, and waiting won't change anything.
so my best option is to hope that he will agree to sort things amicably, whilst also being prepared to do what i have to if he refuses.
does leave me in limbo though, which is extremely frustrating as i can't make any firm plans yet.

i've told my colleague friend at work who is a fantastic source of support (as well as a truly lovely person), and also told my manager who is involving HR, with my consent, as i have concerns re stalking etc.

on a practical note.. based on past behavior i do think it would be wise to speak to the police before i tell him, just in case. i'd rather speak with someone in person and will happily go to the local station, but i just don't know what i should say! can anyone advise?

OP posts:
RickOShay · 14/04/2016 22:26

I think you should let the police know. Wishing you all the luck and strength there is. Think of your dream.

Jan45 · 15/04/2016 11:26

Oh my goodness, what a nasty man, imaging saying that to anyone, never mind the person you are meant to love, this is not normal OP, he's a bully.

0palfruit · 15/04/2016 18:16

Just read Attillathemeekats reply. Thank you for giving me an alternative view point for what I always considered 'time invested', it really has made me think and worry less about about it, (even though I'm not the op)

FantasticButtocks · 15/04/2016 18:56

You could say to the Police:

'Many years ago my OH told me that if I left him he would kill my entire family etc. so I didn't leave him. He has been abusing me ever since. Now, I want to leave him and I intend to do so and inform him this weekend. I am fearful of his reaction, do you have any suggestions as to how I can do it safely?'

Original poster
HauntedChair · 15/04/2016 18:56

pretty much all in place.

have had great support from WA and have been offered a refuge place if the need arises.

i've also had amazing support from work, can't say too much without being too disclosing but they have offered help/support in ways i'd never have imagined.

my DB knows too, i wasn't going to tell him but feel much better for having done so.

it is incredible how empowered it's made me feel by simply speaking out about it after so many years of keeping it under wraps.

0palfruit i agree, being shown another way of looking at an all too familiar circumstance really can make a world of difference.

posting and reading here gave me the push i needed to find my fight - i appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond here and those posting their own experiences on other threads. it all helps. Flowers

final bits an pieces to do tomorrow while OH is at work.

i feel sick with worry, but oddly calm at the same time. i realise that makes no sense at all!

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 15/04/2016 18:58

He has basically forced and bullied you into staying in a relationship with him for 16 years Angry

Original poster
HauntedChair · 15/04/2016 22:04

FantasticButtocks christ, that sounds horrific! it is horrific! but thank you, i had brain freeze & you just kick started it.

i'm struggling to understand how my mind has minimized so much for so long.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 15/04/2016 22:55

Maybe you were occupied in keeping yourself and your Dd 'safe'. He bullied you and threatened you so badly you said he never even needed to make that threat (about killing people) a second time. Once was enough. He has enough menace about him not to need to actually physically assault you in order to bloody terrify you. There has been threat hanging over you this whole time.

I think looking forward to what you're going to do will help you more than looking back to what you did, and didn't do.

Original poster
HauntedChair · 16/04/2016 08:58

thank you, you're right of course, what's done is done. i need to keep focused on a better future.

completely bricking it now.
i know the "limbo" of not knowing what comes next is making it worse and however difficult it gets there will be some relief once "it's done/said", but for now i'm having to keep reminding myself to slow my breathing.

mostly worried about being harried into giving detailed reasons. i understand enough to know that there is no point, he won't get/will deny that there has been any abuse. i want to keep it as simple as possible to try to avoid the anger, but know well enough that he will expect an acceptable reason and will keep on at me until he gets the reaction he wants.

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 16/04/2016 19:38

Thinking of you haunted - virtual handhold here for you.

FantasticButtocks · 16/04/2016 19:56

Reasons... (Which can't really be argued with)

I don't love you anymore.

I don't like living with you

I want different things from you

NettleTea · 17/04/2016 11:19

I dont love you anymore is enough.

Original poster
HauntedChair · 19/04/2016 13:32

no big kick off or scene, so that was a huge relief.

however i got rapidly talked into feeling like i was making a huge deal out of nothing, and at one point even heard my apologizing to him...

i can't believe how quickly it all happened!

just totally messed with my head and i ended up feeling totally devastated and utterly ridiculous.

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 21/04/2016 08:24

Been lurking for a while. Hope you're ok. Xx

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