how do i forget the bad things?

[HauntedChair]

i'm really struggling to let go of the horrible things my OH has said and done in the past, i just don't seem to be able to totally forget and hate that he thinks everything is fine while i have this quiet resentment bubbling away which makes me feel like i'm just treading water while life chugs along around me.

i don't want to throw away 15 years together and the life we've built, but on the other hand i'm worried that i'll still be feeling like this in another 15 with regrets that i didn't get out sooner.

if i could just move on in my head!

has anyone else felt like this? if so how did you let go?

You don't have to discuss it with him, you know. You can just think " this isn't good enough for me" and either talk it out on here or see your GP and get referred for counselling to have an impartial person with no vested interest to talk to in confidence. It will help you decide because you can wobble about and think about your life

He's been very mean and as you mull over it so much, I suspect he's still an arse to you. Plus he sounds a v controlling sort.

Your dd is 15- are you hoping that when she is 16 you will feel OK to leave?
I imagine you don't want to be alone with him when she goes to college/ uni etc.

Should add, I got some therapy on the NHS and some privately- both were invaluable.

Haunted I don´t believe you´ve mentioned if you have any family you see and can maybe speak with? How old is your daughter? I´d be concerned how all this is effecting her. Just because she isn´t seeing stuff doesn´t mean she´s not aware, for e.g hearing abuse and shouting, things being smashed etc.

I honestly believe you´re only ¨safe¨, or experiencing a quiet life atm cos you´re now careful how you behave and don´t rock the boat in case it upsets him. You´re aware what his triggers are and are basically bullied into managing and adapting your own behaviour.

I agree with nice above. Do you think he would treat his friends/family in the way he treats you? Do you get along with his family?

I think you´re starting to realise this isn´t a normal and you´d do well to read up further on abuse. I´m glad you´re gonna inform yourself. But also speak with WA too.

Are you safe posting here? Does he check your phone, search history etc? If he thought nothing of going thru all your personal diaries and stuff he´d think nothing of checking your phone, for instance. Does he still follow you? Or you think he would stalk you if you said you were going on a night out?

You do know no normal, sane and well-balanced partner stalks their OH don´t you? Do you have your own bank account and full access to your own money?

sorry, 20 questions here......

Also, of course he would flat out refute the fact he is abusive. Most abusive arseholes would never see themselves as abusive. That really would take a remarkable epiphany on his part! But that doesn´t mean you are wrong. Ĥeś wrong and the worry is that he´s normalized this sort of existance for you. Deflecting the blame and calling you ¨over-sensitive¨ cos you had a problem with him verbally abusing you, putting his fist thru the telly, following you to/from work and looking thru your diaries! Oh and not forgetting, surprise surprise, having a problem with your friends. Yes of course it´s all you and you´re being over-sensitive for having a problem with any of this. Cos this is the behaviour of every other normal, loving husband isn´t it??

He´s an utter cock! Yes it´s funny how abusive men never seem to like their partner´s mates in my experience! And was the house move coincidental or did he orchestrate that? So then you become further away from your support network!

He´s following a script. It´s sadly predictable. All of it. I fear this will escalate and the only reason you´ve not been hit yet is cos he´s made you submissive and compliant. Now is the time to empower yourself on the sly. FGS don´t let him find this thread or the book when you get it. The last thing he wants is an uprising! He´s a bullying, cowardly twat! Cos I can safely put money on the fact he won´t be behaving like a wanker with any of his bloke friends or family members. But women are easy pickings, right? I hope you find the strength to leave this fuckwit, for your daughter´s sake esp.

the cold shoulder treatment is so familiar. he never comes straight out with what's wrong, there's "that look", a very distinct heavy breathing, then just silence until he decides to tell me what he's not happy about. i used to ask what was wrong, but i don't now in the hope it'll go away. makes my stomach go over just thinking about that feeling.

reading my posts and your replies back it feels a bit like seeing someone elses life, it's quite unnerving! and i was half expecting someone to say well it not as bad now so he must have changed, already i'm starting to see it's me who has changed not him. hard to admit, but feels a bit like i maybe did know all along but chose to ignore it.

there is some medical cover through work so will investigate that route too. counselling is quite normal for depression isn't it? so there would be no reason for him to get suspicious about it would there? god, i sound like a paranoid fool!

Yea counselling is completely normal for depression. You can tell him that's what it's for. Definitely explore all avenues, getting it through work / medical insurance as well as through your GP / the NHS.

What you don't want is counselling as a couple.

After my emotionally abusive relationship ended I had nearly a year of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, NHS referral through my GP. It was wonderful, and not an exaggeration to say it probably saved my life.

I went from being a confident, well-educated young woman with friends, family and high hopes for the future to an anxious, frightened virtual recluse, who had panic attacks at the thought of answering the phone. Thankfully we never had children. I do remember him telling me when it was brought up, and he had nearly destroyed me, that what was I talking about, I wouldn't be able to look after a child anyway ! I have my own wonderful children now so, as in everything else, he was wrong there too.

Counselling is very normal for depression, but I certainly wouldn't tell him you are having it - for whatever reason. He will belittle it, turn it against you, use it as an example of your weakness. Think about everything you are doing now as for you, nothing has to be explained to him, you owe him nothing.

Write down a list, even if it's pages long, of all the insults, incidents, slights, humiliations etc. It will be very painful, but you need to get angry and start to take back control. He may well see a change in you, but try not to engage with his reaction to this. My journey from a confident young woman to CBT was HIM - nobody else. Your journey which has ended in you thinking (quite rightly) that you'll need to hide a book in your car is HIM.

You can't forget. You'll never forget. DH and I went through a really bad patch a decade ago resulting in marriage counseling and reconciliation. I haven't forgotten the things he said to me and I'm sure he hasn't forgotten the things I said to him. But we worked together to move past them. We asked for and were given forgiveness by each other. We changed behaviour to improve our communications with each other. And if we happen to remember something hurtful from the past, we also remember the sincere apology for it and the changes made to see it wasn't repeated. That enables you to move past the past and if you don't have it there will always be a poison eating away at your marriage.

It takes two. You can't do this on your own and if he isn't willing to be part of the solution then you'll never truly be happy with him. You'll end up resentful and continually waiting for the shoe to drop.

Please read the 'listen up' sticky. You sound lovely. You deserve friends and you deserve to be happy. He was funny and nice perhaps because he senses that you're discovering your self-worth. He's trying to draw you back in.

Is your phone or tablet private? I downloaded Lundy Bancroft "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" on my Kindle app.

Be careful with IT though. Someone on a thread linked to some domestic violence stats for me and I didn't realise when I opened it that it was a document that downloaded on to the tablet i was using. DH also read some threads I had posted at that time.

I have reset passwords, have a new email address etc and name change regularly.

each step you take into a new life away from this abuser will be a step into forgetting the old life. He will try to read what you are writing here.

i missed a few posts while i was typing my last, not ignoring comments or questions, honest!

not able to post more atm as too much typing and he'll get suspicious and want to know who i'm talking to.

still reading though

has been through my phone etc before so i do take precautions now.

massive thanks again and i will be back.

so i had a major panic last night after reading your replies that he'd somehow find this and read it and don't know how i managed to finally get to sleep.
but this morning i realised 1) i doubt he even know MN exists 2) he can't get into my laptop or phone (nothing to hide but all locked down due to previous snooping etc) and 3) I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, all i've written is the truth.

i've taken your advise and started the ball rolling re counselling, there is an nhs self referral program thing here so i emailed them today and contacted HR at work to ask what is covered under our scheme. i agree with dusters about not telling him, i'd rather not, but can't think of a way around it atm.

work have said it's ok for me to have a package delivered to work so i will order a copy of the lundy bancroft book when i can.

moomin, i don't have family who i can talk to about this, for various reasons.
as it's a lot quieter there is a lot less overt anger for my dd to witness these days, most of that was in the first few years, now it's worst when he's drunk and in my face which is thankfully not too often.
there's definitely still tension and an "edge" quite frequently though which i know i need to change.
i do have sole access to my money, but all of my savings are tied up in the house which is in his sole name and i've got into debt as he doesn't pay for anything he considers unnecessary, even if it's needed.

he is generally an angry person tbh, and i know that some other people find him intimidating too. but you're right, never with anyone who "matters" if you know what i mean, never if it will make him look bad. most people who know him would be utterly shocked to find out about his other side, he's very popular.

The only way I could "forget" those things would be to have a lobotomy.

You could try that.

Well done for starting the ball rolling with counselling, that's brilliant.

Are you married? Sorry if you've already mentioned it. It will make a difference to the finances (house, debts etc) if and when you split.

Good to see your update OP. You're right that a lot of people will only see his prince charming side. However, anyone who knew you before and who has seen a change in you over the years will probably be much less so. Loads of people said to me afterwards that they thought he was a bit weird, that they didn't think he liked them, he made them feel slightly uncomfortable etc. You can only polish a turd so much !

Great that you've started taking steps. Best of luck

That´s great you´ve started taking action and significant steps to empower yourself. Vitally important. He´s a classic bully but the tide is turning .

No surprises about his public persona....he´s following the script and that´s another box ticked! Nobhead! He´s demoralized you for far too long, soon you´ll be having the last laugh when you get rid of his ugly arse.

no, not married. not sure whether i should be glad about that or not.

Read the lundy book some won't apply but you will recognize him...
Do not forget ... remember it's typical nice nasty routine.
Do you get time alone with dd where you talk ? She may know and see more than you think .
Abusive people are often the most charming too.
Think of where you want to be in five years

Not married you have v little claim to house but see a lawyer .

Ask dd where she wants to be in two years at 18..far away or close ? Holidays with mum and dad or not ? Going away with you ? You don't have to ask her direct questions but talking about future holidays and plans may be revealing

this just occurred to me.

just yesterday i posted that i wanted to forget all the bad things. already i'm starting to realise that a part of me probably already knew that i shouldn't forget. just wish that part was a bit bigger, stronger and had a louder voice!

think i've unleashed a tidal wave though. today i remembered more instances that i had totally buried, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

sorry, rambling, had to get that off my chest.

It´ll come. It´s like when we repress past trauma and bury the bad memories deep down. We would never be able to function normally if the bad stuff was at the forefront. But it´ll all come back eventually. And hopefully give you more power cos it´ll support your reasoning that this shit must end!

cestlavie, i do know that she looks forward to our "just girls" weekends when he works away every couple of months. she has actually said it's so nice when it's just the two of us.
the thought that i've done the wrong thing by her by staying so long is killing me inside, i really thought it would be better for her to have two parents together and that i could hide it from her.

this link runs through the first basic bits of the Lundy book