how do i forget the bad things?

[HauntedChair]

i'm really struggling to let go of the horrible things my OH has said and done in the past, i just don't seem to be able to totally forget and hate that he thinks everything is fine while i have this quiet resentment bubbling away which makes me feel like i'm just treading water while life chugs along around me.

i don't want to throw away 15 years together and the life we've built, but on the other hand i'm worried that i'll still be feeling like this in another 15 with regrets that i didn't get out sooner.

if i could just move on in my head!

has anyone else felt like this? if so how did you let go?

See the hurtful nasty stuff you've had thrown at you by him over the years? I had that too.

Ended up being recorded by me on the divorce petition as proof of unreasonable behaviour when I couldn't wait for the 2 years to pass.

I can't lie, it felt good knowing he would see what he'd said written down as legal proof of how you just don't get away with speaking to the one you supposedly love like that. EVER.

Think you know what you need to do OP. Life is too short

Listen to what your dd is saying

She us telling you very clearly.

You could ask her if she d like time alibe with dad another weekend .

As she s 16 she can decide whether or not she sees him if you leave do it s easier than with small dc

moomin, i hope so, i really do because i feel like i'm sinking at the moment and i need some power right about now

someone asked earlier if i think he'd follow me on a night out and that is exactly what has stopped me and also why i think i'd have to tell him about counselling. i just don't know now. he followed me home from work quite a few times early on, admitting it later. i know he's done it since as i spotted him parked up, i just drove home and pretended i'd not seen him. but who know if those are the only times.

plus there's always some drama that crops up when i've occasionally made plans to go on a night out, enough to mean it'd be on my mind the whole time so wouldn't really enjoy it anyway. i've always known he's messing with my head there, but knowing doesn't make it any easier.

You can't forget the bad things but Human Givens therapy uses a "rewind" which removes the emotional intensity of bad memories. The memories are still unpleasant, but you don't have to relive the stress and emotion when you think about them again. It's been really helpful for me to "clean the slate" and to think straight about what is happening between me and DH.

I find it a bit easier to resist his attempts at control in a non-aggressive but assertive way. It also means that I can genuinely say I'm not holding things against him - but the counterpoint to this is that there are no excuses from future shoddy behaviour and therefore it makes it easier to see what's happening and set limits.

However when I "woke up" I was in the situation where I was able to make DH read the Women's Aid website and confront him with the emotional abuse which he has accepted and is now seeking DBT therapy for. I appreciate that this might not be advisable in your circumstances if there is even a slight chance that things might turn physical....

OP you have the power, you've just given it to him, it needs taking back.

He's just another person. He doesn't have special powers, he doesn't know what you're thinking, he doesn't have a secret mine of information. He's a weak, insecure man who's scared of life and desperately needs to control you to stop himself going off the rails.

You won't sink. You have your lovely daughter, growing insight and a plan. It's not going to be easy, but your life after him will be a damn sight easier.

thank you all

i do know what needs to happen, it will be slow going i think for couple of reasons, but i want to get as much as i can in place before i show my hand. don't even know where to start though tbh and it's making my head hurt so i'm going to try and get some sleep now and start afresh in the morning.

You're not even married to this jackass?! And you stay and stay and put up with abusive bullshit and stalking and isolating?!?!

Determine what your eligibility for housing assistance etc would be. Take your daughter and get out. At her age she has input into what parent she stays with.

Set a decent example for her. Tell him to fuck off. He'll find another victim soon enough.

OP, I've been there in that feeling of going under. It's very disturbing when you start to see your relationship and history in a different light. The thoughts keep coming. It did actually tip me over the edge mentally.

I'm only just coming out of that while other posters have a lot more experience so I'm trying not to give advice that might be duff...

I think as helpful as online support is, it takes on a crazy pace. I'm not saying to lose momentum or to stop what you are doing but just take a big mental deep breath. You are in control, you get to decide what you do. You've probably learnt to doubt your own thoughts and judgement and now everything still feels out of control.

You need to work out what you need, what your daughter needs and you get to do that. You don't need to panic.

I have read a different Lundy book but I found it really reassuring that you arent told what to do, you are helped to think for yourself (and importantly for you helped to work out what is safe). So while your conclusion may be to leave, and leave quickly, you are helped to work that out.

I hope you sleep well.

Lea, yes i do know that it just looks like i've put up with it when i could get out whenever i felt like it. i also know for certain that even though i have gone through DV/DA training for work i didn't recognize that this was a situation i was in myself. it still doesn't feel like it.
i also wouldn't dream of just going and telling him to fuck off. i do know it's all front but a long, long time ago during a disagreement i suggested maybe we should consider separating, he told me if i left him and took the baby he would kill my family then find and kill me. you can tell how long ago it was as my DD was still a baby, and the threat has never been repeated, but tbh it never needed repeating.

thank you Pablo, i do intend to take things at a manageable pace and definitely not going to rush headlong into anything without planning properly.
the advice and information does flow pretty quickly online, but i'm forcing myself to break away for a while when i start to feel a bit overwhelmed as i do have some anxiety issues that need manage.
it's just the realization i think, and the thought of everything i'll need to sort that makes me head spin.

OP please ignore Lea's unhelpful and harsh comments. She clearly doesn't understand how difficult and terrifying it can be to leave an abuser. If only it was as simple as she implies! But the important thing is that you have now recognised the abuse and you have started to take the right steps towards feeling ready and able to leave him.

Christ Haunted doesn´t that just illustrate perfectly how unhinged he is but also how desperate he is to keep you in line and in Victim Mode, by saying anything he can?!

Thing is, we can see threats that extreme as being total over-dramatic BS and him clutching at straws to keep you frightened and right where he wants you. I highly doubt he´s gonna go round assassinating all and sundry like he says. But we are the emotionally uninvolved, the objective bystanders not standing in your shoes. Of course when he´s yelling all that at you and has you completely cowed and fearing for your ( and your kids´ ) personal safety you aren´t gonna call his bluff! It´s easy for people on a forum or elsewhere to just say LTB. Well of course that´s what you must do, and sooner rather than later, but nothing is usually that clear cut and it requires a process and steps to be taken to get you to where you wanna be.

But baby steps are very important steps, so reading up, informing yourself, confiding in trusted people, WA, sorting out what your rights are and where you stand legally etc....these are all essential things that you can be doing without alerting him to the fact that you are gradually regaining some control over your life and your future. Everything you do from now is a step in the right direction and we know that great journeys always start with one small step. It´s all progress. You´re gradually developing and educating yourself which is imperative.

I think only if a man kicks off big style violently and attacks the woman, for instance, is she likely to flee and get out quick smart. But certainly psychological abuse is a lot more insidious and gradually creeps up on the woman who often doesn´t even realise it until it´s too late and she´s totally enmeshed. Usually he never has to use violence, maybe threaten it, but it´s awful how subtle yet effective it is. Physical violence is actually easier to deal with cos fear for our personal safety plus that of our kids can galvanize a woman to flee then or ring the police. It can force us to take action anyway. But if it´s only psychological, it´s much harder to recognise it and it works kinda like brainwashing in the effect it can have on the woman. It´s far more complex to deal with but can be equally as devastating from a mental health standpoint.

OP, I agree that threads can go at break neck speed, and it seems as though there's a clamour for "Yes, I'll leave the bastard, right now". If it were that easy there'd probably only be about 10 threads on the relationship board at any one time. Moomin's last post is spot on. If you've been ground down and conditioned for years, and it's now only dawning on you what's happened, you can't just up and leave. It's bloody scary, and you do need time to absorb it all and plan.

Posting here was, in my opinion, very brave, and you've made a start. I really do think it would help to confide in somebody in real life. Do make it real, let the genie out of the bottle, because it's so easy to get overwhelmed and be tempted back into your old life.

nettle, thank you for the link, i recognize a lot. bits from most tbh except maybe the player, but rambo especially, very much so. interesting but very unsettling reading.

moomin and dusters, the anxiety goes into overdrive when i even think about telling anyone i know but also know there will probably be some wait for counselling, so i'm trying to work up the courage to speak to someone at WA, or maybe even the samaritans, just as a "safe" way to actually say it out loud. if that makes sense?

i am worried that it'll all get too "big" and just going along with the flow again will seem like the best thing. keeping my DD front and centre in my mind (she is anyway, but you get what i mean?) will keep me focused as will telling someone i suspect.

I totally get it. Cos once you tell someone, properly and verbally, the secret that has been your burden for so long is then out! But I reckon once you break the ice and take that very first step, i.e calling WA, I think it´ll all come tumbling out cos it´ll be a huge release ( and relief ) to just open up. Plus they´re so lovely and understanding at WA, I guarantee you will not be telling them anything they haven´t heard before.

Don´t worry. I think posting on here is scarier than ringing WA anyway

well that ice will be broken at the soon, provided i can hold my nerve. there is a free, confidential telephone counselling service available to all staff at my work. so i have the number ready and he'll be away with work at the weekend so that'll be my chance. have been told that they can refer onto in person counselling where they feel it's necessary too.

will also take the free weekend as a chance to go through the house looking for all important documents etc and stash them away somewhere.

i'm finding it very frustrating that i have to bide my time though, i go to bed early and he follows, i stay up so he does too, it's like everywhere i go he come too. and it's already becoming increasingly difficult to put up with the daily shit now that i can actually see it. i feel like i'm screaming inside! biting my tongue though, at least until i can get some legal advice.

Hang on in there, OP! You have sensible plans for the weekend and you're doing brilliantly so far.

That's such good news about the telephone counselling service. Sounds like the perfect first step. Also that you have a weekend to look out all your documentation etc. Sorry that you're finding it so hard to be with him, but the fact you can see him for what he is now is the beginning of the end.

By the way I totally get the anxiety about telling anybody. Even now, many years later, if I mention something my ex did it feels so unreal and unimaginable that it can make me feel lightheaded and tense. It's such a big thing to admit to yourself.

It sounds deplorable for you! Thank goodness you can see some light at the end of the very long tunnel that has been your life with him thus far. It´s a huge relief that you get to have some respite if he goes away for work and this is your golden opportunity to really make some headway with sorting the paperwork and making the all important phonecall.

He actually must struggle being away from you, I imagine? He can´t monitor and control you from afar after all! Or do you find he has to ring you frequently and demands to know everything you´ve been doing and with whom? God I hope not, that´d be unbearable. I hope he goes a long way away so at least he can´t follow you.

Why don´t you take the opportunity to go out for a drink with those colleagues or invite someone back to the house for a drink?

ha, moomin that gave me a dark chuckle, he doesn't work away often but he hates it, and will get out of it whenever he can. long evening phone calls, and he always wants to speak to DD which i know is a way of checking i'm at home as it's only ever a quick "hi, you ok? put your mum back on" type thing.
and on the odd occasion he's "missed me so much" he's driven back home unexpectedly. so i won't be doing anything out of the ordinary.
i don't mind though, we'll just have a nice busy but relaxed weekend and that'll be just as nice

OMG he sounds sinister. It´s like Sleeping With The Enemy just presumably without the physical violence. Have a positive and productive weekend though.

to be honest I would speak to 101 as well, just to prewarn them when you ARE ready to make a move, as he is ticking many boxes for you to jump straight into the high risk category.
Not intending to scare you, but to allow you to put some things in place to ensure your safety. 101 is the non emergency number. I would suspect that what he is doing falls into the coercive control elements of illegal DV behaviour now, and they are well versed and quite used to being notified when partners are about to leave.

no, there's been no violence. he went for me once or twice early on but ended up putting his fist through the wall or smashing stuff instead.

reading back and trying to look at it objectively i can see how it looks sinister, doesn't feel like that though, just feels suffocating and on-edge-making

i will consider the advice to call 101 when the time comes on a better safe than sorry basis.

anyway, got onto the topic of OH's with a colleague i'm quite close with this morning, so i took a deep breath and mentioned that i was considering leaving and that i was concerned that things would kick off. didn't go into much detail at all, but she was shocked and sympathetic. i know it's a really small step but it still felt like a small weight was lifted in some way

ramble alert...

last night i dreamt i was trapped in a small room which full of junk, all falling in on me. i was trying to shout for help but i couldn't shout loud enough.
next minute i was moving into a new house, a fixer-upper, but one of the rooms was really, really dark. when i started to peel the wallpaper i found two huge windows which flooded the room with daylight, it was a lovely feeling!
had to get that down before it fades like most dreams do.

thank you again for your support and suggestions and

What a wonderful dream! I think it's a bit of a premonition for better times ahead

Well done for opening up to your colleague, that was brave. And I'm glad she was supportive.

Just wanted to comment on this as well:
"no, there's been no violence. he went for me once or twice early on but ended up putting his fist through the wall or smashing stuff instead."
Punching walls and smashing things is violence! Abusive men who do that are extremely likely to direct their violence against objects first, and then build up to directly attacking their partner. He is capable of doing it, so please don't underestimate the risk. Calling 101 is a very good idea.

maybe it doesn't seem as dangerous to you ,op, because you've been the frog in the pot for so long. Mn 's opinion from outside the pot and based on the experience of so many of us, is you cd be in danger when he knows you are getting free of him. Better safe than sorry,no?

Well done on speaking out It can only get better from here on in. Small steps all add up.

Awesome dream btw. You must´ve woke up feeling pretty positive after that!