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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what the hell do I say to that!!

159 replies

fireflys · 23/02/2016 16:35

My husband says (during an argument) that we aren't really married because we didn't consummate our marriage by having sex!! Therefore if he divorces me the judge will do it straight away without even talking to me or considering my side of things because he will tell the judge we didn't have sex that night!! Apparently we are not legally married??

OP posts:
firesidechat · 23/02/2016 20:43

I'm sure 314Romanaic. In fact this might help:

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage/when-you-can-annul-a-marriage

And yes a Jew could get an annulment if they had a legally binding UK marriage and they met the requirements for annulment. Any one can, if they so wish.

I don't know where you get the idea that it's just a Catholic thing.

314Romaniac · 23/02/2016 20:45

I'm not being argumentative. I just thought it was a catholic thing.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/02/2016 20:45

It's definitely not a religious thing. If a marriage is annulled it is as if it never existed. You'll have to be married 12 months before either of you can issue a divorce petition.

LoveBoursin · 23/02/2016 20:46

You sound very strong fire.
I hope everything will settle down soon for you. At least if he seems so keen to get divorced, he won't disagree with it.

Canyouforgiveher · 23/02/2016 20:48

there is legal anullment and also anullment in the catholic church. They have no bearing on each other. Catholics get anullments so they can marry again in the catholic church (a particularly common practice among the Kennedy family in the US). It doesn't mean their marriage was legally annulled.

If the marriage is legally annulled then the rules with respect to property etc don't apply- it is as if the "marriage" never happened legally.

There were probably more anullments in Ireland before divorce became legal. It was brutal too - people who had awful sexual problems for whatever reason, being unable to have sex, splitting up, but having to tell a high court their most intimate stuff in great detail in order to have some chance of marrying again legally in this lifetime.

firesidechat · 23/02/2016 20:49

Non consummation is classed as not having had sex since the marriage ceremony and this is a valid reason to have an annulment. He is technically right, but he will look like a fool if he pursues it.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 23/02/2016 20:53

Just lots of FlowersFlowersFlowers

You sound incredibly strong, and are clearly making absolutely the right decision for you and your children.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/02/2016 20:56

"either party can seek an annulment on the grounds of incapacity. The incapacity may be physical or psychological, and may not prevent intercourse with anyone other than the spouse, but must be permanent and incurable. The fact that the parties may have had successful intercourse before the marriage is irrelevant if the incapacity existed at the time of the marriage"

CalleighDoodle · 23/02/2016 21:00

Catholics can get an annulment from the Church for a number of reasons, including no intention of keeping the marriage vows, one not being baptised at the time of marriage etc. It is a long process and is started after the legal divorce is finalised. It doesnt make a difference whether the marriage has been consumated or not. But it is NOT the same thing as a legal annulment. Theres a Friends episode that touched on legal annulment after rachel and ross got married in vagas.

Back to the op. He is a nob but at least he showed you this very clearly so youre not having to doubt yourself.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/02/2016 21:00

I don't think he would succeed. Your situation isn't incurable.

"Your Honour. It is indeed true that I haven't had sex with him since the marriage. That was because of the intense discomfort I was in following the birth of our child. I also then discovered he was a prize asshat"

EweAreHere · 23/02/2016 21:06

You have a new baby, you're tired and hormonal, and your total tit of a husband thinks that's an appropriate thing to say to you during an argument?!

Wow. I'd actually be suggesting he get on with it then, because he certainly won't be getting any from this point forward!

What do you see in him?!

EweAreHere · 23/02/2016 21:18

And now that I've read everything ... wow ... I'm so glad you've kicked him out. You and your children deserve a happy, peaceful life. You don't need someone like that in your home.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you and your children.

Shallishanti · 23/02/2016 21:19

tread carefully-
as someone mentioned if you own property and are the higher earner, I would think there is a risk that if you divorce, he might be entitled to some of your money !!!
if that's true then anullment is definitely better for you-
but don't tell him that
in the meantime get some support in real life and enjoy your baby (and your other dcs)

Original poster
fireflys · 23/02/2016 21:27

Thank you all, property is in my children's names, it's in a shared trust, it's theirs, my savings are safely tied up and no one can gain access not even me unless exceptional circumstances, I add to it frequently for my children's future. My will was created before marriage and set that my assets are my children's and solicitor advised me he cannot touch regardless. If I stay with him and it co tongues my children will think it's acceptable to treat others this way and il be damaging them. No way will I put my children's emotional well being at risk.. I'm gutted it's turned out this way but he's nasty. To be honest I can be quite volatile and he may push the wrong buttons sooner or later and I will lose my temper so id rather avoid all that and just get on with my life. A judge will look at him as a free loader who's selfish because he couldn't get his dick wet and laugh at him.. Let him look a fool, I wish we could stand in front of judge judy lol xx

OP posts:
Smorgasboard · 23/02/2016 21:32

You will find that a portion of your assets will go to him if you divorce, so yes, sounds like annulment would be the way to go, however, he's likely to come to realise this himself, so I'd guess you can expect that he will not agree to it.
Not sure how having assets in children's name would go in a settlement, you might have to make up for that. Shame you married him at all, but you never know when the light-bulb moment will occur.

Original poster
fireflys · 23/02/2016 21:41

The only thing I will have that is accessible is my wage according to my uncles wife who's a solicitor. So by all means he can have half of it, I don't mind as he will need a home to live in and needs to provide somewhere for my children which I would pay for anyway.. So he can go ahead and have it. Iv got my kids and my sanity so I think I'm better off than him lol.. I won't miss a grand xx

OP posts:
Original poster
fireflys · 23/02/2016 21:43

He's text me refusing to divorce or agree to separation at all.. Oh well my engagement and wedding ring is already on eBay so as far as I'm concerned it's over.. I have no intention of getting married again.. Xx

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 23/02/2016 22:47

Just see a solicitor as soon as you can.

GruntledOne · 23/02/2016 22:53

I doubt that he'd have any claim on your wage given that you're bearing the lion's share in terms of the costs of looking after the children.

Kirk123 · 23/02/2016 22:58

You poor thing , stitches are awful after child birth , men all dickheads 8 weeks on he needs to learn kindness , caring , and manners , or you will end it with an annulment if he carrys on , prick !

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/02/2016 23:02

The shorter the marriage, the less he is entitled to. I'd wait and get your petition for his unreasonable behaviour issued one year and a day after your wedding.

TwoMag314s · 24/02/2016 07:08

See a solicitor.

My x was like this. Looking for sex and saying 'shape up or ship out to be' when i had two tiny kids

TwoMag314s · 24/02/2016 07:09

And if that is what they are like they dont change. Bullying somebody in to sex!!

elegantlygrey1 · 24/02/2016 08:12

Wills are made void by marriage - suggest you make a new one.

paxillin · 24/02/2016 09:46

Good point, elegantlygrey1. Make a new will today, op, otherwise not-so-DH gets it.

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