Contacting the OW is a bad idea, right?

[IsabelleAdjani74]

DH and I have been through a couple of very rocky years and he had an affair which has been going on for a couple of months. The person he had an affair with was at school with him and they met up again about 6 months ago - her marriage was already in dire straits at the time and it was obvious to me from the outset that she was after him (I know he was stupid etc and it was his choice to have the affair) - but anyway we have decided we are going to try and make our marriage work and he has severed all ties with her.
I have never met her but at this point am dying to contact her - just basically to tell her to go and fuck herself and give her a load of abuse. Am SO angry and have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. I do have her contact details but much as I would feel vindicated and love having a go at her I think this would be an error - wouldn't it? I know keeping my dignity and not confronting her would is probably the best route to take but it is not nearly as fun as confronting her. Tell me this would be a mistake (or not!)

Yes you and your daughter would fair fine without him I'm sure, don't stay for any other reason than you are wanting to give it a go with him, staying for your daughter or for financial reasons are wrong and it wont work.

And yes, you talk to a friend when you are ready, good time at the moment with him away I'd say.

It's totally normal and you are holding it together so well and doing brilliantly!

This is still very, very new so go easy on yourself.

Have some and

Thank you!!! Am just gonna stick to fags (bad) as I still can't eat anything - would be the first time in 41 years have not fancied . I am laying off the wine as don't think that getting drunk alone would be very good for me right now - and don't want to end up drunk emailing or calling the OW.
Thank you for saying am doing brilliantly

Bathtime and Moomin your posts on this thread are excellent.

(I started my own thread btw on my question: thank you for the good advice).

I agree on the immediate fear of the unknown: it's spot on. I think lots of cheaters panic when they are first rumbled. Even if they had been thinking of leaving, it's not on their terms and, sprung and outed, out of the blue, they have had no time to formulate a plan. So of course their first reaction is 'so sorry, please don't bin me!' You could find that in a week he decides that actually he DOES want to be with OW. Which would be so much more hurtful. This is another reason why you must eject now, at your instigation, not because he is going to be away anyway. With me, I felt very strongly that he must go that very morning (having discovered it the night before). That was not negotiable. How can you think straight with his smothering, panicked presence? You can't. I knew he had to go and I made him stay away from us all for one week. Even then when he saw DCs after that time, I refused to see him myself. It kept me sane. Despite the horrid outcome, I'd do the same now.

I will talk to a friend soon - just not quite ready for it yet.

No, because saying the words out loud will make it more real.

If neither of you ever told anyone and kept it as a secret between the 3 of you, it would have less reality.

Once you tell someone else that is outside of that triangle, it becomes more concrete. Harder to explain away.

Harder to demand it is time you were over it.

Right now 3 people in the world know what happened (that you know of).

I'd want to even that up with at least one person completely on my side with no agenda other than to support me.

But obviously when you're ready. There's no rush with any of this.

Time is your friend and his enemy. He will want everything back to normal now, now, now.

But it's your pace to set.

This happened to me four years ago. The good news is our marriage is stronger than ever, whatever anybody says about life after an affair, it CAN work, although it is a different sort of relationship now and we are actually happier than we were as it brought lots of problems to the surface. We've been together for 26 years, have children, a home and a life. It has been very difficult at times. Finding out was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me so I imagine the shock you are in right now. My husband cut all ties with her, realising it was the only way. After a week of it being out in the open I contacted the OW and told her what I thought of her no holds barred. I don't regret it. i'm under no illusions; he was the one who betrayed us but part of my pain was my battered pride. I couldn't believe that another woman would dare to do this to my family, that she would be deluded enough to think I would take it lying down. I'm not made that way and I needed to let her know. I wanted her to feel my pain, because there was a lot of it. Fuck keeping your 'dignity':no one ever says that to a man.

He does recognize his good luck - he said that he would understand if I left with DD and that he is grateful that I haven't. I think he thinks he would deserve it 100% if I did leave him tbh.

He talks a good talk but if he needs persuading to go to counselling, he doesn't appear to want to walk the walk.

he does take responsibility and I know he is very sorry

I often wonder, when cheaters say ''I'm sorry''

What are they really sorry about?

Sorry about the affair? or
Sorry they were caught?

I suspect the latter, as they are only ever sorry after they've been caught.
They are never sorry whilst the affair is going on.

I'm sorry is a very cheap phrase and doesn't mean jack shit.

if you contact her you run the very real risk her version won't paint him as a poor manipulated man trapped by an awful scarlet woman and the very shaky foundations you are currently using to rebuild are in danger. You want your marriage to work so focus your energies on that not a meaningless hasbeen in his life.

he is working away for the next couple of weeks so won't be here - which is good
Are you happy with this?

Do you know exactly where he's gone?
The name of the hotel?
Is he part of a group?
Is he going to contact you regularly and also be contactable at all times?

I would have thought that someone who is supposedly doing 'everything he can to reassure and not lose his wife' would think twice about sodding off for a couple of weeks. Work or no work.

He's thrown the equivalent of a nuclear bomb into your marriage and yet

'going' not 'gone'

dilys Thankyou. I read your thread Terrible! You´ve been through one hell of an ordeal though. Couldn´t really add to anything the prev posters had said tbh.

However, I would still want to confront the OW, for what it´s worth. You probably knew I was gonna say that though!

I contacted my exs ow as I found a SIM card in his pocket so put it in mine and sure enough text after texts. I knew I would never get the truth from him so I contacted her asked if I could meet with her and she agreed.

Well she was tall blonde and in her early 20s bearing in mind I was 33 then... She explained everything I needed to know and yes I was devestaed I'd given this man 16 years of my life and we had a son together he was 8 at the time.

She even rang him whilst I was in the car talking to her for him to come and sort this mess out as she thought he was actually out with her.

Like a true man he did in fact he got in the car, sat in the back... Had given her a different name and our son a different name .... He told me he didint love me anymore and wanted to be with her yes right infront of us both.

I got out of the car and walked away he never once rang me to see if I was ok....

I was devastated and I would say I am finally ok and actually I'm glad it happened now

He married her and they have 1 child and another on the way 5 years on we are all fine...

And she actually comes and picks my son up and takes him out for the day, she makes him birthday cakes or will just take him clothes shopping

It hasn't been easy to get to where we are but we are all happy now

And I respect the fact that she is young and has a good relationship with my son and treats him well

This man really isn't the prize, and if he is away for two weeks that gives him an excellent opportunity for him to sort out another place to live.
If your only reason for wanting him to stay is the practicalities and you were aware or the issues before the affair was revealed etc then you have probably been quite ground down by it all, and may feel much much better to be free of it. And additionally now you have the knowledge that you can't trust him?
The only reason I could see here for contacting the OW would be to try and get her side of the story, I bet its very different to what your husband has told you.

I did it , sat in her house for 2 hours waiting for her to tell me the truth , also phoned her x3 , written a letter , all a big mistake , nearly 1 year on and just stopped the pick me dance ! , take the high road the ow loves any attention it presses her buttons , it made my ex love that 2 women wanted him , I just wanted revenge , he had the affair , she was a cheap tart that was available ! I should of taken the higher ground,please take my advice , she is a cheap dirty tart, she will enjoy every minute if you approach her !

I have only skim read the thread, but thought I would add my own experience. I did contact the OW (I knew her many years previously, didn't know she had remained in touch with my husband), I also tried to contact her DH. I discovered her DH had been killed in an RTA a few months previously. I was very polite to her, emailed, I made a holy show of myself by pouring my heart out. I had no idea at this point that she had been living with my H for a month (he pretended he was homeless and sofa surfing). Because of the state I was in, such huge numbing shock, I didn't really get angry. She lied from the outset. She told me that her husband had been killed, that her little boy was devastated, that she wasn't ready for a relationship , that my H had been "helpful and supportive" and if their "friendship" matured in the future, she would "always do right by you and your children". I was expected to just go away and accept that. I didn't. As you are probably aware OP, the desperate need to know is overwhelming and the more I found out, the more I questioned them, the more vile she became. Her response was to attack and destroy. I wish I could post up the emails she sent me. You would be .

My story is very very long and complicated, but the upshot of it was that her and my H had been having an affair on and off throughout our marriage. Her H's death was convenient for them. She is the most malicious piece of shit I have ever come across. She has driven such a wedge between my now ex-h and I that we can't even be in the same room or even have a conversation. My kids have suffered terribly. She does not give a flying fuck about anybody but her. She treats me as if I were the OW and I have "stood in the way of her happiness" (her words, not mine).

The only good thing is that all her venom is on paper. There for all to see. I have spread it far and wide, people who know her, Mums at her DS's school, family, friends, everybody. All now know what a vile pair they are. Indeed, it seems that many already did. I don't regret contacting her, I do regret not getting angry and telling her to fuck off. I was just in shock.

My advice to you would be to consider your position carefully. You have just found this out, I would leave the OW to it personally, I would concentrate on deciding whether you could actually trust your husband again, ever. I wish you luck

Sorry to agree but get rid if you can , mine did it x 2 , I forgave first time when I was 40, now bloody 50 should of done it 10 years ago , leopards and spots , keep strong my lively ❤️

I've been reading these to give me some strength not to email the ow my partner left me for (38 weeks pregnant and 2 year old)!!
I did bump into them in a restaurant and I never said 90% of the things I wanted to say to them and it is at the back of my head all the time! In reality I would have loved to smack her in the face and him but I didnt/couldn't as I don't want him to use it to get my children!
I think once I've had the baby If I bumped into her I don't know what I would say to her!

OP 'your' marriage was just as bad as 'his' was iyswim? Would having sex with someone else have helped you over your rough patch? Would you have done it?
My marriage is has been in tatters and yet I could and would not ever have sex with anyone else. I wouldn't want to and even if I did I couldn't do that to my husband. Your H did, he could. She didn't do this, he did.
I don't think you can contact her without being the butt of the joke. I mean that in the nicest way, none of is here would be laughing at you but she might well be. I've heard it from long past associates 'she says he told her this and that! Haaaa ha ha ha!' You are better than that and it's such early days so if you're working on forgiving him, do that. You don't need added shit piled on (like her saying he pursued her, you'd never get to the bottom of it and it'd destroy your chances of trying again with him).