Contacting the OW is a bad idea, right?

[IsabelleAdjani74]

DH and I have been through a couple of very rocky years and he had an affair which has been going on for a couple of months. The person he had an affair with was at school with him and they met up again about 6 months ago - her marriage was already in dire straits at the time and it was obvious to me from the outset that she was after him (I know he was stupid etc and it was his choice to have the affair) - but anyway we have decided we are going to try and make our marriage work and he has severed all ties with her.
I have never met her but at this point am dying to contact her - just basically to tell her to go and fuck herself and give her a load of abuse. Am SO angry and have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. I do have her contact details but much as I would feel vindicated and love having a go at her I think this would be an error - wouldn't it? I know keeping my dignity and not confronting her would is probably the best route to take but it is not nearly as fun as confronting her. Tell me this would be a mistake (or not!)

[BathtimeFunkster]

Though I suspect your "D"H can't quite believe his luck!

If he recognised his good luck in being given a chance to put things right, then that would be something.

It sounds more like he thinks it's no more than he deserves.

This all came out 2 days ago. I woukdn't see much store by his claims to want to stay and make things work.

As you know, the reaction you want to have or think you will have is often not what you get when confronted with a life-altering decision when you were not ready or expecting it.

It doesn't mean very much that both of your first instinct is to cling onto the familiarity and stability of your marriage.

It doesn't speak of love or commitment. At this point it just indicates inertia and fear of the unknown.

[IrianofWay]

Yes, it's a bad idea.

Whatever she has to say you don't need to hear, probably it will upset you and she might use it an occasion to cause you more hurt.

Let it go.

Good luck x

[IsabelleAdjani74]

He does recognize his good luck - he said that he would understand if I left with DD and that he is grateful that I haven't. I think he thinks he would deserve it 100% if I did leave him tbh.

[Waltermittythesequel]

You found out two days ago???

He shouldn't even be in the house right now.

Jesus, woman!

Give yourself some time to think at least!

[MistressDeeCee]

Id like to think I wouldn't approach the OW at all, I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of attention. However, I do think far too often in life we are taught to turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, and hold hurt, upset, anger inside. I don't think we necessarily gain by doing that at all. In fact I think injustice, resentment, sadness can make people ill. I would never, ever want to be a person who always turned the other cheek in life, and yet is silently screaming inside. The only thing that would prevent me in your case OP, is that Id want her to experience that feeling of being totally, utterly ignored and insignificant. If you keep that in mind and your DH has nothing at all to do with her anymore, then hopefully that should help.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

BathtimeFunkster's posts on this thread are really excellent, Isabelle, I know they will be hard for you to read but they are absolutely the way you should be looking at this.

It's still so new for you at the moment, your marriage - as you knew it - no longer exists. You need time and space to deal with this and, as much as you might think you want your husband with you right now, you will just be delaying the inevitable anger when the realisation hits you that you have nobody else to lash out at for this affair, just him, and you're caught in the unfortunate position of 'making your marriage work' instead, doing the 'pick me' dance and trying to make him see you as a prize.

He hasn't seen you as a prize, doesn't now because if he were decent, he'd be stopping you from prostrating yourself in forgiveness and would tell you that it's on him to show you how sorry he is. Is he doing this? No, he isn't and that's why you're posting, because you daren't speak to him about what is really in your heart; your hurt, because you don't want him to say, "Sod this for a game of soldiers" or somesuch - for fear of losing what you perceive is your 'prize'.

Would you consider telling him to go for a few days - or getting away yourself for a few days? It would give you time and space to think without a present cheater yabbering in your ear or acting like a spectre at the feast so that you can't hear your own thoughts.

You need time, Isabelle, there is NO way around that and your husband could do with a good idea of what it would be like to have no 'Isabelle' in his life anymore... he may actually start wanting you and your marriage then, rather than acting just as he likes with no thought for you.

[HopefulHamster]

I started off reading this thinking the affair had happened a while back but it still rankled so that's why you wanted to contact the OP. In which case don't, it will rake it all back up and not give satisfaction etc.

But you've only just found out! I still think overall it's best not to contact her, but I'm surprised you are taking your husband's word for things. It is clear from threads over and over on Mumsnet that these people minimise and deny as much as they can. Of course he says she pursued him!

Personally I would want to know more and would ask him for the truth - but only if I thought I could deal with the aftermath. It will be hard OP. I'm sorry.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I didn't say he recognises his good luck. I said he can't believe his good luck! He will honestly believe he is the one who has "won" in this whole sorry affair.

[BathtimeFunkster]

He will honestly believe he is the one who has "won" in this whole sorry affair.

He'll be right too, as things stand.

He got to have his enjoyable love affair and lots of nice sex, and now his wife thinks she is lucky that he is not leaving her for the OW.

[BloodontheTracks]

Yes, Isabelle, in my experience at this stage it's completely normal to be in the state you are, in. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Forgive the pragmatism of this but I wonder if it's useful to look at a timeline for what often happens after an affair. What tends to happen is that the completely natural impulse is to keep everything together as the news is so huge and shocking that the mind goes into survival mode. Therefore anything that can preserve that status quo and prevent more damage is felt and believed, like the lies a cheater comes out with (we have an honesty bias towards people we love, it's essential!) and also projecting the blame, evil and anger onto the party who can most easily be rejected, the OW. Or even sometimes the betrayed, themselves, who immediately starts saying, I can see why they did it, etc etc. We've had a bad patch, I denied him sex etc etc.

All these feelings are totally right and valid, they're not wrong. I'm just saying that in a lot of cases, it takes a long, long time for the full truth to emerge and the scales to fall from eyes and the other sort of scales to be righted. In those years, many many cheaters still keep in touch with the OW, often even continuing an affair, or never fully commit back to the relationship, or cheat with others because the full truth and reasons and extent of the original betrayal were never brought to light, faced and resolved. The betrayed does the 'pick me' dance in the short term, believing herself to have 'won' (the language itself framing a cheating, lying man as a 'prize', which is continues exactly the view of himself that enabled his cheating in the first place). And then, months later, the betrayed collapsed from the complete lack of support, love and real resolution and understanding of what has happened.

The betrayed finds herself in a worse relationship than she was in before, but with someone she also does not trust. The cheater, having given up someone he loved on the side, looks at this collapsed, moping, suspicious betrayed who has stopped wearing the make up and making the effort she did for the first few months and thinks, 'was this what I stayed for?' He disconnects further, the relationship stutters along in mistrust and recrimination for another year. HE gets back in touch with OW or another, to salve his misery. She maybe has her own little fling. They grow further apart and begin to hate each other but now feel too old and broken to go through all this awfulness with someone else so stay and 'try' for one more year out of fear no one else will want them. Repeat til death.

Do not let this be you. This is the moment where you stop, demand to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth about what has gone on, get some distance from him and try and reframe him a bit as not the catch here that two women are fighting over, but a temporarily toxic causer of pain who needs to do everything to examine himself and make changes. I'm actually one of the few who is open to contacting the OW in the immediate aftermath as I think it bursts bubbles and often releases much truer information than the husband will admit to, which at least gets you to where you want to be quicker. But I appreciate that others feel differently with experience.

[MoominPie22]

I think the fact the OP rumbled him while it was going on ( actually how did you find out Isabelle? ) kinda demonstrates that his sorrys and contrition aren´t referring to hurting her at all, merely he´s regretting that he got caught! Sneaky, cake and eating it bastard!!

It seems clear to me that this whole sordid affair would still be going on now if she hadn´t found him out and put a stop to his devious, secret life. It´s like these dickheads seem able to compartmentalize things in their mind, whereby most decent people would have a conscience and feel terrible guilt so they wouldn´t even start an affair cos they know it´s morally wrong.

This dickhead presumably felt no guilt whatsoever ( which begs the question; does he truly loves you at all? Isabelle sorry ) and was happy to carry on deceiving the OP.

This is exactly why I would never give a cheating man a 2nd chance, because how can he possibly love you if he´s doing something so dreadfully hurtful to you behind your back? The actions completely contradict the words. He´s saying sorry, not cos he hurt you but cos he got found out. He professes his love ( blatently a lie ) but how is he showing his love for you whilst shagging someone behind your back, knowing full well how hurt you´ll be? Doesn´t ring true for a second to me.

So these ¨sorrys¨ and ¨I love yous¨ are completely insincere and I expect he says them cos reality has kicked in and he´s been made aware of what he stands to lose, e.g his respectable public persona and family man image plus his faithful, cosy security blanket, a.k.a his wife, kids and homelife.

If a cheating man truly felt guilt and remorse about being unfaithful then he would stop the affair himself, not wait to be rumbled by his partner, like he has lost the use of his senses and can´t control himself! what bollocks!

To me, actions speak louder than words. Why would someone suddenly remember they love you after they´ve been caught red handed cheating on you? I would even argue that it´s actually impossible for a cheating person to love their partner who is in the dark about the affair. Because that is not how you show your love for someone is it? By cheating on them! It´s a no-brainer to me. They profess to cos they know it´s wot you wanna hear and they don´t wanna lose their security, they´re clutching at straws cos they´re pathetic.

If someone is capable of having an affair once then they´re capable of having an affair again in future. This is me generalizing btw Isabelle, not aimed at you personally. JUst my feelings and thoughts on cheats as a whole. Their BS words and platitudes are just that, bullshit!

[BloodontheTracks]

I think people are capable of change, if they want to change, and if they examine what they were getting from the infidelity and what permissions they were giving themselves to do it. Good quality psychotherapy helps with this.

[Jan45]

So you have only just discovered his seedy little affair, and no he didn't admit, you guessed, in other words you found something out that made you probe and he had to admit.

And, he's still there living with you like nothing has happened.

He's the prize and you have won - yeah a complete and utter liar, lucky you.

OP, I would suggest you kick his sorry arse out your door, at least until you decided what you want, it's all about him and his wants and he's the one who has shat on you from the highest height.

Get angry at him OP, angry enough to make him have at least some unpleasant consequence for his actions, brushing it under the carpet and pretending it didn't happen, or pretending it was all your fault for not ensuring the relationship was bright and exciting enough for him is just plain daft - I hope you get that anger, it's that which will preserve your self respect, not allowing him to hang around your legs until the storm dies down.

[MoominPie22]

Blood But how many cheats go for psychotherapy tho?? I´m not saying it´s impossible for them to change just highly unlikely. If you justify to yourself that sort of behaviour is OK, in order to change in the future you would presumably have to admit that this behaviour is infact not OK and want to change.

Therefore it´s highly unlikely ( outside of psychotherapy ) they´ll change imo. You´re either that sort of a person or you´re not.

[BloodontheTracks]

I don't know, moomin. Everyone I know who has had an affair has attended counselling of some sort, and some of those practitioners specialise in psychotherapy.

Also the majority of people who cheat DO feel that their behaviour is unacceptable and are troubled by the dissonance between their actions and their principles. Some aren't of course, some are sociopaths or narcissists or just in denial. But the majority are.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

Fortunately he is not in the house - he is working away for the next couple of weeks so won't be here - which is good.
I have not told anyone in RL - I feel too humiliated and know that what my family and friends would say. And if we do end up staying together don't want everyone to know that he has cheated on me. So apart from all the support I've had here, am dealing with this completely alone - hence head is completely fucked.
Thank you Blood for the timeline - great name btw . I don't want that to be me.
I found out by reading his emails (which as read as I knew something was up) and some photos she had put on instagram in a place where I knew he was going from reading emails - he wasn't on them but put two and two together. And to add insult to injury she actually hashtagged them #happytimes.
You all make some very valid and true points. At the moment I just don't fucking know what to do. I know that if we do split my DD will be devastated (I know kids are adaptable, loads of kids have separated parents etc but it doesn't make it any easier).
I can get free legal advice through the counselling helpline that we have at work, and know that if we separate I will be the one in the stronger position. I am not dependent on him financially anyway.
I think all I can do at the moment is think about it and allow the initial shock and horror to sink in and see how I feel in a week or a months's time - and see what he does as well.
Just feel so monumentally let down, hurt, betrayed, broken-hearted and like I have been taken for a complete fucking idiot.

[Jan45]

Maybe you should contact the OW because you can't believe a word he has told you, he's only fessed up because you caught him out.

I'd still make him stay away OP, right now he has lost any right to his comfy home life, he needs to feel what it would be like to actually lose you, don't make the mistake so many on here do and that's to sweep it away, try and forget about it and pretend all will be ok from now on.

The fact you have told nobody is worrying, all you are actually doing is protecting his character, by denying it even to your closest friend you are inadvertently being supportive of what he has done.

You need to not do that and confide in your closest friend at least, you are the one who needs support and sympathy, he gets fuck all right now I'm afraid, until he can prove to you that he's worth actually having.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

It is not to protect his character, I just can't actually bear to tell anyone right now.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Your reasons for staying with the scumbag your dh have nothing to do with your feelings and wanting to stay with him though, do they?

So, ask yourself this; taking all the logistics and feelings of your dd and upheaval out of it...do you want to be in a relationship with this man?

[IsabelleAdjani74]

I don't bloody know!!! If we could manage to get back to the place where we used to be, then yes. But I don't know if I can ever get over this and if I can ever get beyond it, or forgive it. I think if didn't have my DD and all the baggage of owning a house together etc etc then there wouldn't be any question about it - I would be leaving.

[BathtimeFunkster]

At the moment I just don't fucking know what to do.

How could you possibly?

For you this only "happened" two days ago.

That's nothing.

It's really nothing when you think of the possible shattering if your whole life.

Go easy on yourself and stop thinking that you are letting your former self down by not reacting how you thought you might when it was just hypothetical.

Sadly, this is real. It's a different ballgame. You never thought it would actually happen, so your hypothetical notions of hard assery were never worth much :)

You're doing really well - you are clever and realistic and thoughtful.

We can help you through it, but a good real life friend would really help.

Not everyone will judge you for taking him back (if you do).

Keep on keeping on

[Jan45]

Sorry but you will feel worse keeping something like that to yourself, you must have someone you can confide in, it just looks like you are covering his ass.

I'd stop using words like she was after him as you are making him out to be an innocent man manipulated by some skilled adulteress.

That alone makes me question if you should indeed contact OW to try and get some answers.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I think if didn't have my DD and all the baggage of owning a house together etc etc then there wouldn't be any question about it - I would be leaving

I think you need to tell him that you want zero contact while he's away and you need to stick to that.

Obviously, if he Skypes dd or whatever, that's different.

You will NOT be able to process this if you keep in contact with him and keep listening to his bullshit, self-pitying whining about how he made a mistake and he's sorryyyyyy.

If, after a few days (a week?) of no contact you still feel the same as that ^^, it's time to allow yourself to be happy away from him.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

I don't think I can contact OW at the moment - I don't think would be able to have a calm un-emtional conversation with her at the moment and would definitely not want to end up breaking down while on the phone to her.
Thank you Bathtime - your posts have been brilliant
I will talk to a friend soon - just not quite ready for it yet.

[IsabelleAdjani74]

And you are right Walter - don't have anything more to say to him at the moment anyway so will not be speaking to him.
I know that realistically, even though it would be hard, DD and I would be fine together. It is just actually taking the step of doing it. The worst thing at the mo is I keep changing my mind every 5 minutes but that's normal at this stage isn't it?