Contacting the OW is a bad idea, right?

[IsabelleAdjani74]

DH and I have been through a couple of very rocky years and he had an affair which has been going on for a couple of months. The person he had an affair with was at school with him and they met up again about 6 months ago - her marriage was already in dire straits at the time and it was obvious to me from the outset that she was after him (I know he was stupid etc and it was his choice to have the affair) - but anyway we have decided we are going to try and make our marriage work and he has severed all ties with her.
I have never met her but at this point am dying to contact her - just basically to tell her to go and fuck herself and give her a load of abuse. Am SO angry and have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. I do have her contact details but much as I would feel vindicated and love having a go at her I think this would be an error - wouldn't it? I know keeping my dignity and not confronting her would is probably the best route to take but it is not nearly as fun as confronting her. Tell me this would be a mistake (or not!)

anything I did with regards to the OW would be used to get back in touch with him.

So?

I mean, I'm not recommending you do.

But surely if their affair is over and contact has been broken and he's staying with you, there is no risk of her "getting back in touch", because he wouldn't allow it?

Or do you think he is still susceptible to her "victim act".

I would never know if she was telling the truth or not.

For now, that's true of both of them.

You know he's a liar who lies to you. He has everything to gain by minimising his culpability.

You have as much reason to trust him as her.

If he had actually pursued her I don't think I could carry on with the marriage.

Really?

Two adults made a choice to have a sexual relationship.

Your husband was one of them.

He chose to sleep with her because he wanted to.

He wasn't hunted down and "pursued".

If you could see she was after him from the start, then so could he.

And he liked it. And returned her feelings.

OP I think you just have to give it time because only time will tell, won´t it? Some people get over it. Some people will always be a bit suspicious and want to check phones, emails, bank statements etc, just to reassure themselves. Plus won´t you always be wondering if he has to work late, work away or even if he tells you he loves you??

It´s difficult cos it´s like he´ll be on a probation period almost and you could become a paranoid wreck. But as I say, some marriages survive and some fail because only time will tell how it all pans out. He may have cut all contact with him but how will you know she´s not trying to contact him in the future?

The future is one big uncertainty and there´s no magic formula for surviving an affair tbh. I hope it works out for you

I see that Daryyl but we are either responsible for the repercussions of our actions or we are not. We can't have it one way for OW and different way to OP.

Any action that is taken is going to have a repercussion.

Dily, that sounds absolutely horrific for you. What a truly awful situation. I'm so sorry.

You have won?

Dear god woman, if you've won anything, it's the booby prize. Fucking hell.

You might be able to fix your marriage, sure. I hope you can. But make no mistake that what you have "won" from her is not flipping first prize!! It's a sleazy cheating prick of a husband.

Also, I note that you say you're working on him to go to therapy.

Sorry to say this, but I don't think your reconciliation attempts will work. You shouldn't have to work on him, he should be desperate to do anything you suggest to fix your marriage.

So, you won a cheat who doesn't care enough to make it right to you, to attend the therapy you've suggested.

Good luck. Take your focus off OW, and onto him.

Dily you really need your own thread, your situation is awful and you need a lot of support. I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your children.

Dilys I do think it´s a wee bit cheeky jumping on someone else´s thread. Why can´t you start your own? It´s not fair on the OP if there´s people posting with some comments directed at her and some directed at you.

It also interrupts the continuity and flow of the thread so pls cut and paste it. You will get more responses if you start your own thread too.

OP, you say that you don't want to give her a chance to moan to your husband. She wouldn't be able to, would she, because according to you, your husband has cut all ties?

You don't sound very confident of your husband's commitment to you now and I think you may find that contacting the other woman is just a panacea because once you've burned out that anger at her, the anger left you will need to direct at your husband... and is he up to it? Do you really believe that he's taken responsibility and really shown remorse for what he's done?

If so, then why do you think he would even risk entering into dialogue with this woman again?

I wouldn't contact her at all. Your marriage should be what's important if you're deciding to stay in it - keep everybody else OUT!

Dilys had just written you a really long reply and deleted it but am so so sorry - that is a horrible situation and can't even imagine what you are going through. I don't think you should contact her as no matter what she said, you would never be able to then talk to your husband about it and it would just torture you. Think all you can do is focus on your kids and career and you are not a massive mug - think under the circumstances, you are brave, amazing and strong. I really hope you manage to find some peace in time .
Thank you for all your support and Moomin as you say - all I can do is give it time. But replies on this thread have definitely helped me feel clearer about how I should be dealing with this and that it's my anger, resentment and betrayal from my H (not v D at the mo tbh) that I need to focus on - not her. I only found out 2 days ago and don't think contacting her now would help. One thing I have learnt is that doing things when angry on the spur of the moment never tend to work out well - not with regards to this, in general.

Dilys I don't think you should contact OW, I can't see what could be gained - I agree you should start your own thread and also, you need to most importantly take the time to have counselling so you can heal, move on and hopefully find someone new, it sounds like you've had a horrific ordeal.

Lying Sadly I get the impression the marriage is more important to the OP than the husband, otherwise he wouldn´t have done what he did. But. as I say, time will tell if this relationship will survive the hurt and betrayal.

LyingWitch - he has cut off all contact with her but she would still be able to get in touch with him if she wanted, I presume. At the moment I am not confident of his commitment as only found out a couple of days ago - he does take responsibility and I know he is very sorry (for what that's worth) and all I can do at this point is take his word that he wants to be with me and DD and doesn't want our marriage to end. Without going into long and tedious detail, due to lots of different factors (not the OH - more like money, work, stress etc) our relationship had gone downhill over the past couple of years. I think that rather than trying to deal with things working together as a couple, we were working against each other and becoming more and more hostile and resentful. I would say our relationship was at rock bottom anyway when he happened to meet up with her again and I can totally see the attraction of having an affair at that point. My H assures me that he wants to be with me and not her and doesn't want to end our marriage (even though he has done his best to) so I have to try and believe him but rebuilding trust is not going to happen over night. So am not that confident of his commitment at the moment no, and that can only come with time. Even though he has assured me that he is committed, as he has been lying to me, it is hard to be confident.

Yes Moomin you are right (and it really hurts to admit it) but it is clear our marriage is more important to me than it is to him. Even typing that makes me want to tell him to fuck off and take him for every last penny I can. BUT our relationship was good for a long time and we did love each other - and still do - and at this point I don't have anything to lose by seeing if our relationship can survive.

Thank you all. I will start own thread (always worry about being outed but guess nothing personal in there). Sorry again for the hijack. x

Isabelle... No, HE could still get in touch with her if HE wanted and only under those circumstances because HE could ignore any attempts by the other woman and that's what he should be doing.

I know YOU want your marriage to work but does HE, does he really? What is your gut telling you?

I've just seen your subsequent post to Moomin and I'm sad for you. That's a very unequal position to be in and after all this - HE still has the power because you're more invested than he has ever been.

I'm sorry.

Quite right, see how it goes. You will soon see how motivated he is to try and get this marriage back on track. Best wishes and you know where we are if we can be of any further help.

Izabelle - You say you only found out a couple of days ago. Is this because he ended it and admitted to it to you or because he had to end it because he got caught?

You don't have to try to believe him.

You don't "have to" do anything.

He had the affair. If he wants to fix his marriage after throwing it away, then all the "has to" lies with him. Not you.

You would be crazy to believe anything he says now. You can't trust him. You know that.

All you can do is bide your time, see what he does, and do what you need to recover from the trauma he's put you through.

Forcing yourself to believe things a proven liar is saying to you is not going to do your mental health any good.

You have a lot to lose by "seeing" if your relationship can survive.

Don't be passive. Your relationship might survive if he fights for it.

Giving him space to do that is decent of you. But don't do the fighting yourself.

If you're right that he's not that arsed, you're just wasting your time:

He didn't get caught - I had guessed and confronted him, he admitted it. My gut is telling me that he does want our marriage to work - I have given him every possible opportunity to end it and be with the OW and he is adamant that isn't what he wants and he doesn't want us to separate. He has cut off all contact with her - he has shown me the messages - obviously one of the conditions of us trying to work it out was him ending it with her immediately and cutting off all contact - which he has done. And I do feel like a twat writing this - if anyone else told me about this situation, would tell them to tell their H to go and fuck himself and screw him for every penny - but can't take my own advice.
And Dilys - no worries about highjacking. I have no doubts that if OW is reading this, she will know she is the OW in question.
And thank you for all your support - and advice

Gah bathtime I know all that! I am not good at biding my time but think its all I can do at this point. He does take full responsibility, for what it's worth, and I can see he is sorry - which is also bullshit cos he shouldn't have fucking done it in the first place.
I know I can't trust him at the moment. I can't do anymore fighting either - I can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be with me, and it is up to him to fight for our marriage if he wants to save it.
On the plus side - have not been able to eat anything, and I mean NOTHING, since I found out and have lost the half a stone I had been trying to lose since 2009 - however have started smoking again which am going to have to stop but it is the only thing that is soothing me at me - always has been - and am going to have to eat again at some point but just completely lost my appetite and can't stomach anything (which NEVER happens to me, hence spending 7 years trying to lose half a stone

Dilys - that's dreadful. You do need your own thread though, as the title of OP's will not attract advice specific to you. Also, your circumstances may distract posters from offering the OP the advice she needs.

OP - it is such early days for you. I am only a month on from D-Day myself and I still have absolutely no idea whether I'm coming or going. I contacted the OW immediately after finding out - but waited two weeks until I was strong enough to speak to her partner.

Please remember, you don't need to make any decisions right now.

Op your anger is completely understandable.

Right now though , I think your priority is ensuring the affair has actually stopped . Cheaters are like addicts and all too often affairs simply go underground. You need him to be open with all communications and he needs to change his phone number and email. It's a matter of time before one of them makes contact. Despite how sorry he seems to be , you would be foolish to believe anything he says to you at the moment.

Unless you can personally verify the ow is getting divorced I wouldn't believe it. This is often the claim and its said to prevent people informing the husband. This has happened to me twice and both times the ow was allegedly getting divorced. Only they weren't , and the husbands knew nothing about it. I would therefore tell the husband. Let him deal with her.

All the things he is saying to you are very typical. And they are mostly excuses . I don't believe an unhappy marriage causes cheating. Otherwise we would all be doing it. Character traits cause cheating , and in time he's going to have to examine those traits that allowed him to have an affair. It really would be a mistake to blame the state of the marriage for the affair.

I'm sorry this has happened to you , it's a terrible thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Speaking as someone who did confront the OW, I would say don't do it. No good will come of it. Trust me

I also think you need to read and reread Cabrinha's post of 12:05 over and over again. She is spot on. You have not "won". Though I suspect your "D"H can't quite believe his luck!

I feel for you Santas - don't know whether am coming or going either at mo.
And thank you Matrix. He has deleted her off facebook etc but his email / phonenumber are public as he runs his own business so I know she always will have a way of getting hold of him should she want to. Then obviously it is what he would do if she did contact him that would be the deal breaker.
I am well aware that the affair could go underground and know I can't believe anything he says and that everything he is saying is a massive cliche. I am not necessarily blaming the state of our marriage for the affair - but think it didn't help and having been with him for 13 years, I am pretty sure (as sure as I can be at the moment) that when things were good this wouldn't have happened.
I actually do believe it about the divorce - when he first met up with her and other mates from school, he was telling me what they had all been up to and mentioned that her and her H were in the process of splitting up. I don't care about her and her H's marriage so don't particularly want to get involved in it at this stage. What matters to me if my marriage, not theirs.
And yes, it is a terrible thing to experience.

Indifference is far more powerful that open anger imho. Don't give her the satisfaction.

And I speak as an old OW. Please don't persecute me. It was many years ago.

I wish u all the luck in the world and commend u for giving ur h / marriage a good shot.
ATB