Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

[iamnotwhat]

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

My stbxh backed off the moment I served him divorce papers. Worth a thought eh?

I'm really sorry - its utterly exhausting being in the eye of the hurricane at the moment but you're doing really well. You now need to create that space just for you.

What help is he getting for his 'addiction' and why are you allowing him to spend so much time in your new home?

Have you consulted a solicitor and begun divorce proceedings?

Don't ask him if he is getting help, it's nothing to do with you as it's not your problem

Your doing well op, I'm sirs you are physically, emotional and mentally drained, but it Wont always be like this, it will get better

I haven't been able to see a solicitor yet as I can't afford it, but I have googled DIY divorce several times now (and my head's still reeling). Once I have a bit of money behind me I'll be going for it.

When I told him we needed to have space between us blah blah he was upset - he'd hoped we'd get back together (a long period of dating and then become a couple/family again). I said he shouldn't be thinking of relationships with me or anyone else until he's got himself sorted out and whereas I had previously thought I could help support him through it I can't as that means he's going to have the constant hope of us getting back together. He said he can't do it without me and I said I can't do it for him and that I'm not the right person to support him with this. He was visibly upset but not aggressive.

I've realised that part of the problem with keeping him away from my house is that I do/will need him to babysit the children there on occasions. I don't have family close by and my friends all have children so asking them to babysit on a weeknight just isn't possible. I suspect that you'll warn me that it's going to muddy the waters, but I just don't have much of a choice.

OP, you can't afford NOT to get a solicitor. You won't be able to do a DIY divorce with an abusive man like this, you will need a good solicitor. Please get some free initial advice from CAB or the Rights of Women legal helpline. Then find a solicitor that will offer a free 30 minute consultation and/or a payment plan - you might even be able to pay them when the divorce comes through.

Are you working at the moment? Are you getting all the benefits and/or tax credits you're entitled to? Is your ex paying you child maintenance?

Oh OP I want to give you a little shake - but only from a lovely place

1. he does not have to "babysit". Babysitting is when you look after other people's kids. He will be parenting them.

1. He does not have to do it at your place. He will have to sort out his own place

Come on OP. Don't back track now

You're doing so well.

I'm in a similar position with babysitters. You have to get him to start having the children overnight. Having a bit of space to yourself during the week and at weekends, sorted out in advance is really necessary. You need to take some time to recharge.

I repay babysitting favours with sleepovers or wine/chocolate. Your friends will step up to the plate if you ask and will want to help.

Have people come to you - I set up a "book" club and host more than the other members so I don't have to agree babysitting.

Its really hard setting it all up and insisting on finding your space but you have to carve out time for yourself and keep your home free of him.

You have to find a way to keep him out of your house. It is imperative.

Well done Tom

Erm I paid for babysitters. You do have a choice.

It's wonderful to hear people's success stories. I know you must have been through hell to get here and I echo Christina's comment.

BitOutOfPractice - I actually used the word babysit there deliberately, as he was in my home with the children, though I do take your point Once I get myself settled properly I'll sort out babysitters. (Springy - paying for a babysitter at the mo just isn't possible. I've currently got literally just enough food in the cupboard/fridge to last until payday, and no spare money.)

Today I was under pressure for him to come around this evening and I didn't cave. It wasn't easy and I felt like such a bitch (yes, I do realise how stupid that is). I'm just going to have to take one day at a time.

Well done for standing your ground, OP. You're doing brilliantly.

Sorry to repeat myself, but in case you didn't see this in my earlier post:
Are you working at the moment? Are you getting all the benefits and/or tax credits you're entitled to? Is your ex paying you child maintenance?

Thanks Emma. Sorry for not replying to those bits - my mind's everywhere at the mo.

Yes, I'm working. My ex is paying child maintenance (I worked out how much on the gov's child maintenance website) and I've reapplied for tax credits as a single person. I'm still waiting to hear about tax credits going forward. All I've heard from them so far is that they overpaid us from April to Jan - Lord knows how as they had all the info!! I have no idea if I'm entitled to any other benefits really - I don't think so, but I always seem to go around in circles on google when I try to check!

Well done. Please listen to what people are telling and asking you.

We've trod the path you are walking now.

I started off as you did with dd's father coming into my sanctuary to spend time with dd. It made things worse for me, and on the wisdom of mn kept him away. Much much better now.

Work out your finances asap. You need to get stable money wise, and make sure he is contributing.

And legal advice. Again asap. Its immensely reassuring to know what you are entitled to.

How are you feeling? You're coming across as so strong and capable. Xx

Can you get him to pay more?
Can you reduce your outgoings? Remortgage the family home to interest free? Swap so you and the kids are in the house and he has a smaller flat to rent?

Thank you tomato. With the help of you guys on here and a couple of really good friends I'm managing to keep going along the right line.

I think that I am a strong person and I can usually take on whatever comes my way, but this has all been going on for seven weeks now and I'm tired and headachy pretty much all of the time. I need a break. I need him to back off without me telling him to. Even now he thinks his needs are more important than mine, else he would realise that this is doing me no good.

I think you will get there.

Spell it out to him. Tell him to back the fuck off. Tell him how contact with the kids will be from now on, when, where and then switch off your phone and lock the door. Create your haven.

Can you get some time to yourself?

Sounds like you're crashing - its the adrenaline leaving your body and it will leave you feeling empty. You need to give yourself a break. Eat well, keep drinking, easy food for the children, do the bare minimum. Sleep if you can, dr if it gets too much.

He's not a high earner and he's paying as much as he can - and he's said he'll pay more if and when he can.

The flat is actually bigger and cheaper than the house - the children are much happier here, and they have a room each here whereas they'd had to share before.

I keep a tight grip on my outgoings as money's tight (my ex was made redundant while I was pregnant, so you get pretty savvy under those circumstances!). I don't know where I can make any more savings, but I'm always on the lookout.

Once I know how much will be coming in through tax credits and I have a full month's bills I'll be able to get a better picture of what's going on money wise. At least the initial expense of moving house is out of the way now...

Please don't trust him to do the right thing lovely. Once he sees you are serious he will have less incentive to hand any extra money over.

I'm really sorry but you have to start believing he isn't the person you thought he was - he lied for so long - he is perfectly capable of putting his own interests before you and the kids.

Thanks AF x

Tomato - I'll take your advice. It's good advice. You're completely right about him looking after himself first - I'm sure the novelty of caring for me and the children would wear off quickly enough whichever way I went, so I will follow my head and my heart and put the barriers up however hard it is.

Oh yes, I fully expect he will become much less generous with his "looking after you financially" when he realises his control is slipping away. Be prepared for more shit.

I agree with af. He will soon realise that money is a good way to try and control you. Be ready. Get some legal advice. He will definitely up the ante now to try and get you back into line.

You're doing really well. Stay strong. We are all here willing you on.

He is not your friend any more. He is not on your side. Treat him as such

It's so difficult as when I'm with him he's so charming and funny, and I see all the things I fell for. But when I said no to him coming over he showed a little of his other side - he did well to keep it under wraps, but I recognised it all the same. And I realised then that no matter what promises are made now I don't trust him, and I don't want to have to tread on eggshells any more. That time has gone.