Unknowingly cheated on for over 15 years

[iamnotwhat]

I'm so confused and I'd like to know what others think. Be easy on me though please, this is my first time posting a thread

I'd been away with the children between Christmas and New Year as my husband was having to work and didn't want us to miss out on seeing family. I'd gone away at Christmas thinking I was happily married, but my husband had changed when we got back.

I left it a couple of days - partly to see if I was imagining things but largely as he went out with work friends after work so I hardly saw him. After a couple of days I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fed up of trying to change me - he was/is into really kinky stuff that I just didn't want to be involved in. After a week he told me he'd need to go away for a few days every month to "get things out of his system" so he could be a good husband and father the rest of the time - the trouble was he was a pretty rubbish husband at the best of times, and I wasn't willing to share him with God knew who so I said no.

A day or so later the truth came out - he'd been having sex with other women from three days after we first got together right up to the present day. He'd had sex with someone who liked similar stuff to him after Christmas while I was away with the children, as she'd said it would make our marriage stronger if he shagged her behind my back.

I've had my doubts about things throughout the 15+ years but every time I asked him about anything he'd make me feel stupid and manipulative. He made me doubt my own mind.

We'd stayed together for over 15 years (10 married) as I thought we loved each other deeply. I coped with the bad things that kept coming our way as I thought I could deal with anything while we had each other. I now realise that our whole relationship was built on lies.

It turns out that the other woman is pregnant - allegedly by my husband - and now she wants nothing to do with him. He keeps telling me how much he misses her and how thinking of life with/without her makes him feel sick, while also hoping to get back together with me (telling me he's started the process of "changing" his ways).

Basically I think he's a sex addict. He's got a very addictive nature and I think he's addicted to this other woman too, rather than being in love with her. I moved out of the family home with the children pretty much straightaway but said I'd support him if he got help for his addiction. Am I wrong to do this? My family want me to keep him at arms' length. They're concerned as he's at my new house a lot, phones and texts a lot - I see more of him now than I did when we were together!

I hope this makes sense... I'm just getting bits out of my head while typing...

I'm glad he's paying child maintenance at least. As others said, he might decide to stop, but if he does you can go through CMO.

To find out whether you're entitled to any tax credits or benefits that you're not currently getting, use www.entitledto.co.uk
The key is to make sure they know your income and relationship status (separated!)

It's good you've recognised this. It's all manipulation. As long as you're being nice to him and he thinks you'll get back together and you'll be all supportive and listen to his tales of woe then he'll be all funny and charming. Until you say no and then he'll stop being Mr charming because he's not getting his way, you aren't playing his game. That's all it is, a game. He's manipulating you.

Thanks Emma. That's a job for tonight

He's moved on to being tearful and loving now. I'm getting the most sweet texts! But I'm not backing down.

My children are the most important thing in all this, and if maintenance stops for any (manipulative) reason then I'll take the necessary steps to formalise it. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but I'm prepared for if it does.

Housing Benefit?(I don't know how various entitlements fit together, but it might be worth a look)

How sweet of him to be all tearful and loving. Shame his actions for the last 15 years speak otherwise. He's just written it off hasn't he.

Sorry meant to add, be strong OP. It's all part of the manipulation. What a prick.

I don't doubt he's genuinely upset. Who wouldn't be if they'd had all their toys taken away and been told to sit in the corner...?! I've just got to remember it's of his own making, that I can't help and why on earth would I want to anyway!

I don't think he thinks what he did is that big a deal really. The bigger issue for him now is that he's lost everyone and everything, so naturally I should rally around to help him. Not.

You're sounding really strong, OP!

He's taking no responsibility for any of this. Only his actions caused this. His double life has been destroyed and he thinks a few tears will get it back again.

It probably isn't a big deal for him as like I said earlier he's probably compartmentalised his life. Equally if you were to get back with him (please don't) he will just carry on as he did a previously, as like you said it's not a big deal.

I like the sound of you, op

And now, you have come out of yourself! What a difference since Saturday.

Well done. You are doing so well.

He's so sad and upset, but how much of the sadness he shows you is about the fact that he battered the car while his young child was sitting inside it? And how much of his sadness is because he can no longer have exactly what he wants?

If you tell him that you only wish to communicate by email now and will not be reading his texts, or speaking face to face or on the phone and discussing any of this with him now, perhaps that would help you to take a few steps back from how he is feeling.

It's all about him, isn't it? Everything he says and does is all about him, his feelings, his life etc. I don't think for one minute op he has considered how much he's fucked up your life.

Thanks everyone Feeling exhausted but otherwise pretty good at the mo! It's starting to feel like I'm more in control again, as it felt when I made the decision to leave in the first place.

Well done

He's just feeling sorry for himself. If he was truly sorry for what he has done he would be pulling out all the stops to support you.

To do what he did he will have had to minimise the impact on you and disconnect himself. He won't be worrying about how distressed you are - so don't put any more of your energy into him.

Look after yourself and focus on you - how you are doing, what actions you need to next take, nice things to give you some respite from it all.

Oh OP I can feel the power and confidence returning to your posts - well done.

He's caused this. It's his problem. Not yours.

I like the phrase "not my circus, not my monkeys."

Thanks

Just printing out divorce forms so I can see what to expect

How you doing today, op

Wasn't feeling great yesterday afternoon, I think because I was so tired. I bumped into a friend who took one look at me and took me and the children back to hers for dinner. I felt so much better for that, bless her.

I'm still finding it hard with my ex. I'm getting "I love you" and "I miss you" messages and he keeps offering to help with things. Had this happened two months ago I'd have felt like the luckiest woman alive!

Have you asked him to stop contacting you? I think you should ask him (or ask him again). The messages might seem "nice" but he is actually not respecting your boundaries. And he is trying to manipulate you into accepting all the crap he's already subjected you to.

What I say doesn't seem to go in. He hears it, but then hours later or the next day it's as if I never said anything. I shall keep saying it.

I wonder if you could save a stock message to copy and late in reply every time he contacts you? For example "I have asked you not to contact me unless it is regarding practical arrangements for the children. Please respect this." Then just send exactly the same message every single time he contacts you. He should soon get the message! It will also save you emotional energy trying to decide whether/how to reply each time.

copy and paste (not "copy and late"!!)