Step right up, it's dating thread 97

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

We don't half get through these at speed!

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)

I don't want a relationship

Waving, you know I'm paranoid because some bitch outed me years ago but I'd have any post with his real name removed. Lot of detail about the ages and sexes and number of DC his had, where he went on holiday, what he does for a living. Unless somebody he knew was reading it right this second, no problem but just because I never, ever thought it would happen to me and yet it DID, please ask mumsnet to remove any post with his actual name in it. I probably gave a lot of detail about H but he would never in a million years go on a site called 'mums'net given that he won't even date a mum!

Ocelot, if somebody said that to me about falling off the cliff, I'd look them in the eye and say, let me push you. I'm so fed up with bullshit.
H did want a relationship. But not with me as it turns out. He is out there looking for another relationship, but in 6-7 weeks he'll discover what's wrong with her.

I come from another angle - who cares if Soho finds this thread?! There is no fricking accountability with OLD and really is he massively identifiable? Plus if you put yourself on public dating sites are you going to convince a court of law that you are hugely protective of your online privacy? As you were.....

For me I just joined GSM and had a Tinder sesh and got a few messages. Action! Woop!

sassy am loving your update, steady as she goes.....

Yeah, it's funny this FB business. I think I mentioned that he's been liking EVERYTHING that I post recently, has been for the past couple of weeks, even the inane crap (obviously, most of what I post is insightful and funny but not always...) I'm not sure whether he's feeling guilty and trying to butter me up or, more likely, that he doesn't actually care too much about what I might read into it. When we were dating we were very careful not to be too blatant on FB, so didn't really like or comment on each other's stuff. So, now he's put me firmly in the "random FB friend" camp and feels comfortable liking away...
And it would feel weird to defriend him, because we are supposed to be friends...whatever that means. I'll look out for myself though, at the moment, it would be more painful to defriend but if that changes, I'll do it.

Anyway, onwards and...um, upwards? Still no news from MrEloquent. My last message was Sat night and I was trying to find out what his T&Cs are. But I didn't explicitly ask for a response, so that could be it.

Nowt from FrenchCanadian either after I gave him my number but I'm leaving the ball firmly in his court.

Another couple of Bumble matches, one of whom I was chatting to last night.

And I had a bit of a revelation yesterday that when I was feeling really good last week, it had nothing to do with any man. It was because I've got a lot going on at the moment and a lot to look forward to and that made me feel happy and in control. I just need to get back to there. I think I will be able to soon.

Re Soho and being identifiable...I kind of agree with Handy...if you put yourself out there, then you have to accept you'll lose a bit of control. However, I disagree with how identifiable he is. I've managed to find people from dating sites, just by Googling their first name and place of work (both of which are usually available on Tinder or Bumble) If either the name or the workplace is even slightly unusual, you can get a LinkedIn hit very easily. Then you have their last name, then you can find their FB profile etc etc. It's scary how easy it it.

It is soooo easy to trace people nowadays! I was looking for an old boyfriend from college (30 years ago!) the other day, very common name though, googled him, lots of people of that name came up on 192, found a guy of his name and age living in the area he came from when I knew him, living with a woman with a very unusual name, searched her name on Facebook, and there he was! Found him in about 10 mins lol! So even with a common name you can do a bit of digging and find them - I should set up a detective agency lol!

Morning everyone!

Happy for you Sassy.

314 hahaha you are on fire woman haha, I will remember that pushing him off the relationship cliff!!

Waving I am with 314 on asking MN to clear out messages with his actual name or identifiable info because I might backfire and out you. Besides all anyone reading the thread needs to know is that he is an ass.

I am not sure there is much of a distinction to make between "IDWAR" and "IDWAR with you", the outcome is the same and thinking the latter only makes you feel shit. In Popcorn's case he genuinely did not want a relationship. He is a bit of a late-bloomer and had just discovered how much fun playing the field is after a series of relationships. He only had been doing that for roughly a month before we met.

All in all I think he was basically unavailable because he was already in a fully-committed relationship WITH HIMSELF. There was no room for anyone. He would have had to make the room for someone and he was in any case not willing to make some for me.

Point being, in "IDWAR with you" the important thing to hear is "IDWAR" - aka "you can hang around and care about me as much as you want but I will never treat you like my girlfriend and will fully take advantage of the situation because I have handed you the golden disclaimer in the first place".

I hope you don't mind me popping in. I posted some months ago. I lurk and enjoy reading your posts.

Been single over two years now. Have a young dd.

I've done tinder and pof. Now just tinder as pof around here I just seem to attract blokes who aren't my type.

Anyway had loads of dates in the last 18 months. Met a few lovely chaps.

In the last 4-5 months I've been on 1 date a week, everyone I felt zero chemistry with. Then I met a lovely man mid January. Had 3 dates so far with a 4th tonight (I've been away on holiday hence not that many dates and I work away)

When and how do you ask them what they are looking for ie: relationship just a casual thing etc? I never ask, just tend to go along and assess after a few weeks. Maybe I should be asking though.

Waving- sorry to hear about soho. You will meet someone so much better than him! Be kind to yourself, and get back on the saddle. In a few weeks you'll be thinking soho who?!

Mr IDWAR...
I've had two now both from old
and both used their children as reasons,is this a common one?or an excuse
First one said he needed to spend more time with his son(12)
Second being Mr builder said his son(15) hadent seen him with any women since the break up with his mother,and as mother was dating lots of different men,felt he was showing a good example by not dating.
Is it me?think both excuses are crap!!
March will be better I'm meeting up with possible fwb and going to see mr bad speller,I'm going back to fat club tommorow..positivity😉
Waving ...it will get better,I've gone non contact with both now..it does work
Sassy..great about your date
Handy...good luck
And to everyone else,smile,the sun is shining,spring will soon be here

Thanks everyone.

waving another vote here for you asking for recent posts to be deleted if you feel nervous about it.

Am a little at the IDWAR. That was my line last night and this is where I differ a little from the standard advice being given in all the books.
I'm not ruling out a relationship ever. I'm not ruling out a relationship with him. I'm not looking to meet someone better or sleep around.
What I want is the time and space after coming out of a 10 year plus relationship to focus on me, be selfish and do what I want to do without having the responsibility of someone else's demands. I want girly holidays. To get up on a Saturday and think what do I want to do today...
I also think it isn't healthy to go from one relationship into another.

Now granted I'm not a bloke, but certainly as someone who is using that line on someone I am dating, I thought I'd share my perspective on why I'm putting that line out there loud and clear up front.

Do these men just come out and say IDWAR? Or do you ask?

I've obvs never asked, but I have the mindset these days of, I'd like to meet someone, but I want it to be the right person. And if it's meant to be it will be. I actually don't mind being single so happy to wait for Mr Right, if he actually exists

Maybe I'm being naive here though, maybe I should be asking

Yeh the man who said it to me was very clear, and then he moved 200 miles away.

Anybody attractive to me (aka, a man with options)
-doesn't want -a relationship,
-discovers after getting to know me that they don't want a relationship with me

• likes the idea of a relationship in theory but has been OLDing for so long that the library/sweetshop mentality sends them back for another lucky dip the second things become 'real'

-lives in a house share with 3 flatmates -lives far too far away -has no children but wants them -has grown up children and doesn't want to be around dc as young as mine

I've just sent replies to two men in their mid 50s who if I met up with them, I wouldn't fancy them so WHAT is the point. I'm really scraping the barrel here. Fat scruffy men ten years older than I am. What am I doing.

I'm feeling disillusioned with OLD. I need to work on driving, finishing my course and then I need to start giving men the eye at bus stops, in the library, in the freezer section. How will I know if they're single though.

I ask! Usually fairly early on and usually in the context of "what brings you to Tinder/Bumble?" Cheesy, I know but people use those sites for a whole load of different reasons and I think it's fair enough to ask. I also have it in my profile that I'm not looking for hookups which hopefully filters out a few people that are.

Sassy thank you for sharing your insight, it is useful. Please know that I am not at all judging or having a go...I do understand what you are saying about it not being healthy to go straight from one relationship to another and needing some time for yourself...but if that's the case, why are you dating at all?

I just struggle to understand a bit, because I don't think I can do casual dating. When I first started OLD I thought "oh, it'll just be nice to have someone that I can go out for dinner/movies with when I don't have DS once a fortnight" but I soon realised that I couldn't do that casual dating arrangement. I'd want to think it was going somewhere. I need to find someone on the same wavelength!

Yeah 314, I agree sometimes OLD does leave you feeling a little disillusioned.

I've met men with no kids. I categorically want no more.

Then I've met men with kids and they have been older than my dd (2.5) how old are your dc's?

New man has a dd also 2.5, it's quite nice to meet someone who's going through the same stage as you are.

However I'm a realist and been in this OLD game a while so try not to get carried away as I know things can change with these men v quickly, like overnight!

Yeh, same here born
I don't want to be somebody's optional down time. Even if I'm only giving them two evenings a week, I need to know that they respect me enough not to use me just for sex, and they need to be so glad they've found me so that they don't even want to keep looking for somebody else. Those are my standards, to use the language of MH

There are good ones out there (hopefully)

I met my ex on my single friend. We were together 5 years and had dd together. Sadly didn't work out, but we get on really well still and he's a wonderful dad to dd.

He made it known on date 3 he wanted to be exclusive and asked me to be his gf. There was never any mixed messages from him. No doubts about whether he liked me or not. I read somewhere on the Internet when a men likes you and wants you it's obvious. I tend to agree.

All the ones where I've had to decipher their mixed messages or blowing hot and cold behaviour were the ones who were "just not that into me" it's sometimes a hard pill to swallow when we like someone though.

Levels of hunger. Levels of ''compliance''. Is you're satisfied to the level of a 3, then you haven't the hunger to go and seek out an 8.

Very interesting Sassy! FWIW I am perfectly ok with someone not wanting a relationship. I also think everyone should be taking care of themselves and be responsible for not putting themselves in a situation where they might get hurt. But then, what pisses me off is when MrIDWAR strings you along for his own benefit, making sure to entertain the illusion of a relationship so that you keep hanging around. It is the deception created by the mixed messages (eg Soho calling Waving his girlfriend, H future faking with 314).

Oh my god, he called waving his gf then proceeded to act like a prize bell end! What's wrong with these people.

I didn't know that, hadn't read the last thread. What a cock.

Can I join you all?

I'm 18 months out of a 25 year marriage, had a couple of very fucked up relationships after leaving and am desperate for a normal relationship. Not really sure if it's possible, are there any normal men out there?

Ive been on Tinder and Pof but I just find it soul destroying and I feel its making me shallow as I get loads of messages and they are all just so grim.

I don't want anything deadly serious but I don't want to be someones fuck buddy either - just a happy medium would be good.

Are there any less soul destroying sites - you see the same people on pof and tinder and I've ended up deleting both sites.

I'm starting to feel ok again, partly thanks to MH and his talk of standards.

The first six months have taught me a lot. I feel like Bear and H were just practice runs. There was another guy, and I think, if I hadn't made it so clear I was interested in him, I might have heard from him again. But I didn't. I delivered the burger by wagging my tail and staring at him with big eyes.

As it turns out, Bear is like a friend now, but that doesn't change the fact that if I come up against that speech again I will react very differently. Also, if I encounter future faking, I'll whoah, I don't know where I'll be in May (or whatever). And if a man doesn't contact me in between dates, I'll let him know that I feel disconnected from him and that what I'm looking for is a connection, not a, well, disconnection!!

Matthew says that women don't ask the right questions because they're afraid of the answers. I won't be that woman.

So, half-heartedly messaging but I'm wondering if I should take the summer off.

Oooooh 314 thanks for the link, I just watched it and completely agree with MH. Being fed tiny spoonfuls of relationship crumbs is not FAIR (hence the anger). But (that is what I need to work on), anger is not enough, I need to learn how to do something about it.

(And mmh, he IS hot. Pheww.)

Do you expect phone calls in between? The majority of guys I've dated only text inbetween dates. No phone calls.

Is it a case of this is 2016 and everyone texts or are they just not that bothered in speaking on the phone to you. I remember my ex used to call. This phone call v text messaging often has me confused

Then again I'd prob prefer to text as sometimes phone calls can quite a little awkward when you don't know someone that much.