Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

[MarjorieWinklepicker]

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

The ex and the other women are cheeky fuckers.

It looks like she should cut off contact with him and block his number, perhaps have email messages redirected and then screened by a relative, just in case.

She needs time to heal, I'm sure.

If your sister ever trusts another man, make she knows that the butterflies don't have to go after 11 years and two kids. Plenty of people still have them after 50 years together. Maybe the butterflies had gone because she could sense he wasn't there for her anymore.

I've tried to tell her she needs to stop contact but she's not in the right place for that yet. She still needs answers and she still wants any little sign that he might still care for her

Encourage her even to go one day without contact.

A good friend advised me to do that and I was amazed how much better I felt at the end of that one day. It encouraged me to go no contact for longer periods.

Oh that's cold. I'm sorry, Marjorie.

For what it's worth, your original post said that he'd left, and leaving is hard but it's usually right, if your heart isn't in it anymore. There are a few people on here who have said that after 11 years and kids, you just put up with it, but that's not right. There should be butterflies and happiness...staying for the kids helps no-one. It's just waiting for someone to get their head turned.

That said, leaving whilst your sister was out, and having started an emotional affair with a close friend, and then being enough of a dickhead to "accidentally" text your sister something meant for the friend, means he's absolutely in arsehole territory.

He was entitled to leave, but he's been an utter coward.

So now your sis is the low person.

People are such cunts. Especially those in love (or who think they are in love) with people they shouldn't be: it's all about them and their unicorns and rose gardens. Anyone who stands in the way is a horrid person who resents their happiness.

I honestly do not understand those women who have affairs with their friends' husbands. I seriously do not think these people are even normal. My friends husbands are so off limits to me as to be positively asexual. Just not anyone I would EVER consider.

I honestly do not understand those women who have affairs with their friends' -husbands. I seriously do not think these people are even normal. My friends husbands are so off limits to me as to be positively asexual. Just not anyone I would EVER consider.

Same here. And I feel this way about their ex-husbands or ex-partners too. Though I'm frequently told on here that's unreasonable.

Yep, same goes for ex partners of friends. It doesn't matter what they look like. I don't even see them in that way.

I guess some people covet what others have or try to make up for what's lacking in their lives. This woman is horrid and the OP's BIL is just a bellend. I sincerely hope it crashes round their ears.

If a friend of mine broke up a friend of hers marriage I would disown them on the spot. Not because I'd be worried for my own H but because they are clearly not normal.

I hope your sis doesn't keep this quiet. I certainly didn't when I found out H had been banging some girl at our work.

I honestly do not understand those women who have affairs with their friends' husbands. I seriously do not think these people are even normal.

I think exactly like that too, but it really seems that there are some people who don't and they don't come out of the woodwork until something like this happens. I find this profoundly depressing.

I think Dsis will come through this, she's been knocked for six but she has OP's support amongst others. Onwards and upwards.

He made a commitment to his partner when he set up home and had children. I personally think he's a complete twat to have done what he has and without any discussion with your sister to let her know he wasn't happy and to try to work it out. I would say there's a lot more been going on with the ow than he's letting on. Obviously his loyalties lie within his trousers and not with his family! Fingers crossed that his little fairy tale "romance" has a very shitty ending.

She broke down in front of me and said she was just so hurt that she is now being made to live a life that she didn't choose and hasn't had any say in the matter. She says he didn't give her a chance to try, if he had only said what was bothering him then she would have changed. He didn't tell her he was unhappy and nor did he try and do anything about that either.
It was all a bit sad and I didn't know what to say.

She said as soon as he left she asked him if he was seeing OW but he flat out denied it (as they do). Apparently this all started up with OW after he had split with dsis. OW is 14 years younger too, dsis can't help comparing herself but I told her there's no point.

She has a friend going through literally the exact same thing, she is just 3 months ahead of dsis (and happens to be pregnant) so she has been a great help.

Apparently this all started up with OW after he had split with dsis.

what a fecking liar.

Has the ow got dc with her fella?

Bloody awful, your poor sister. You know what, I'm sure she won't see it now but he's not bloody worth it is he. Your sister and her kids deserve so much more. I really don't understand how people can just fuck off and leave their family all so they can have a shag. That new "relationship" has disaster written all over it. I bet you one day he will realise what he's lost, more than likely when ow gets bored and kicks him into touch.

So the ow is 18?

The OW is 21. And yes she has 2 dc with her partner.

Ex has made it clear he wants to pursue a relationship with this woman. But according to her partner she has told him she wants to make it work between them and only sees dsis ex as a friend. She certainly hasn't told ex that, he definitely thinks she has feelings for him and they obviously met up today (that's what text sent to dsis by accident said).

I've told her that one day she will be over it and she will come out of it stronger but she can't see it right now.

Dilys, your first three short paragraphs sum everything up perfectly.

Sounds like the OW is hedging her bets a bit