Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

[MarjorieWinklepicker]

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

Sorry, i was referring to mistresses comment about it being cruel to mention the new love interest.

Has he said how he knows the OW?

However hard, sad & upsetting, he's totally done the right thing. Life isn't a dress rehearsal & fair play for having a spine

No, he wouldn't reveal who it was. He only said that it wasn't someone he works with as that is what dsis suspects.

But you know when someone starts tagging people in every Facebook post, and liking all their photos etc. Saying how much he enjoys her company and how much of a great friend she is? I'm not sure but it hasn't sat right with me for a while, even before he left dsis.

Rudeelf I doubt it would be enough for any sane normal person. When you've shared a life with someone its not like losing a casual friend. They were a couple, together 11 years. Im not surprised she was bewildered and pushed for an answer. I think its utterly shocking to have that said to you. Rare is the person who would just say "oh ok then I don't want/need to know any more" these situations are emotive

Although Id never play his game, mind. If he's had occasion to say that to her on more than one occasion then she's the one giving him chances to say this shit to her..a man would have to say that to me once & even if my heart were bleeding Id never be in his vicinity ever again

This man's a prick of the highest order. I can't work out from thread whether he's fucked off into the sunset with his lofty declarations as yet but if not he should have by now, and OP your DSis should already be speaking to a lawyer whilst Mr Lothario goes off to chase his dreams. Somewhere far away from her. He doesn't want her anymore so hard as it is, she is best off getting on with her life without him now, its the practicalities that matter

Oh well thats her then! definitely. I notice it even amongst not so close FB friends and i'm usually right. He is a dick to have allowed that to go on in public before ending his marriage. Was she tagging him or him tagging her?

How on earth is leaving the mother of your children abruptly with no warning or explanation not spineless?

Life isn't a dress rehearsal indeed - does that mean we should all go around being selfish fuckers?

Rudeelf I doubt it would be enough for any sane normal person. When you've shared a life with someone its not like losing a casual friend. They were a couple, together 11 years. Im not surprised she was bewildered and pushed for an answer. I think its utterly shocking to have that said to you. Rare is the person who would just say "oh ok then I don't want/need to know any more" these situations are emotive

I know, which is why i think its unfair to call him cruel for expanding when he was understandably asked to.

the answer to your Op for me is he's both an asshole and he's done the right thing, by the sounds of it he's gotten to the point where he was intending to cheat and he's called time on his partnership. It's sad for your Dsis and her children that he's not a better person but at least she's not had to snoop around uncovering the affair. What a horrible shock for her.

Only on MN.

He has behaved like a right tosser and is probably having a full blown affair already. His only saving grace being not dragging out an affair for years before leaving? What a saint.

A few years ago, my GP shouted at me, angrily, "Men don't talk about leaving their wives without having sex!"

Wait WHAT? Wtf did it have to do with your doctor? That's so unprofessional was he trying to give you advice?? Bloody hell.

OP this man sounds like he's having an EA, definitely. I kind of get where your DH is coming from when he says leaving before it gets physical is the 'right thing' - but really it's already a relationship in his mind, or at least the possibility of one, so really there is no leaving before he was involved with someone else.

He has a right to leave a relationship if he feels that it isn't for him, and I think its actually pretty offensive to suggest that he has destroyed the DC by doing so. His ongoing worth as a father will be about how he interacts with and supports his children, not by whether he stays in a relationship with their mother.

No one is saying he doesn't have a right to leave the relationship. We're saying he's a tosser.

I disagree with the idea that it's not bad for the DC and that he shouldn't accept responsibility for that. Yes sometimes you have to leave a relationship if you're not happy, but you also have to accept that it's worse for your children to have separated parents - anything less is disingenuous at best. Nobody imagines having their children living in 2 places and with step-parents when they decide to have children...although of course cheating isn't a better alternative...

Well said bb888 a tosser is a tosser whether female or male but, I'd rather be dumped for someone to move on rather than someone cheating on me for a while before telling me

MN is one crazy place at times. Its not cruel to talk to someone who's shared life love children with you like they're shit beneath your shoe. The victim of that cruel "closed" speech was asking for it by not accepting harsh, impenetrable words quietly with no request as to "why".

The wrong things are made into the right things, and wanting an explanation when someone's fucked you about makes you wrong, and the other person right.

What next, you're a woman put up shut up ask no questions, you've been told & thats that?

Alternative universe n all that

Saving grace is, the DSis is better off without him. Hopefully she has supportive RL family & friends

No mistress you're (deliberately?) misrepresenting my comments.

but, I'd rather be dumped for someone to move on rather than someone cheating on me for a while before telling me

But if it's an EA then he is already cheating, isn't he?

you also have to accept that it's worse for your children to have separated parents - anything less is disingenuous at best

My view is that its best for children to have parents who are together if those parents love each other. If that option isn't available then then I think its better to be honest about it and separate with parents working together to prioritise the interests of the children.

I'm sure in his head he's done the 'right thing' but actually, no he hasn't. He's at least emotionally involved with another woman and has left the relationship for that reason alone. To not discuss why he left until a week after is disrespectful and shows he has decided his emotions lie elsewhere. It's called compartmentalising and what people do to cope with their arsehole behaviour. Must be a shock for your dsis. If she wants to call him a bastard, you agree with her. Don't worry about your dh who obviously doesn't get what's really going on. He most likely wants to believe the best of his bil. But that's just naive and you know from what you've said what's really been going on.

He's not being honest though, is he.

That, right there, is why you don't have children with someone who "hasn't gotten around to" marrying you yet.

Rather than an asshole, he's just weak. Too weak to say, no I don't want to marry you. Too weak to stay loyal when the going gets tough. That's not a real man. That's just pathetic.

My beloved Dad has done exactly the same thing to his partner of 15 years.
Selfish bastard :(

I'm with you OP.

I would expect someone who is in a LTR, has children ect... to at the very least talk to his partner about how unhappy he feels.
I would also expect him to try and put things right, whatever it migt mean (eg counselling etc...)
I would expect that not drop a bombshell and go away wo a backward glance.

So look at this great man he hasn't cheated!! It's as if your dsis shoould be thankful that he didn't shag someone else behind her back!

I also would argue that 'falling out of love' is a good reason for destroyng a marriage and a family.
I'm not talking about the situation where two people are constantly arguing and miserable. I'm talking about those times when things look a bit dull and there is no butterflies anymore. Well that's life, esp whe you have two young dcs.
Separating WILL have a negative effect on the dcs.
I really would have expected him to try and work out on his marriage, which means talking to the mother of his dcs. At the very least for the sake of his own dcs.

So, if I understood it correctly, he packed and left without even saying he was going? Getting the children and explaining what was going on?
If so, he's a grade A twat.

But he's perfectly entitled to leave the marriage for whatever reason.

I do hope he hasn't simply left her to care for the children, with no support or reasonable shared responsibility.