Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

[MarjorieWinklepicker]

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

The only thing you can do is to be there for your Dsis - who (quite rightly) you are clearly being very loyal to. Just be there for her - the support she needs from you will change day to day as her emotions change. In terms of your DH comments about Dsis partner doing the 'right thing' - there is never a 'right thing' when a relationships breaks down because someone is going to get hurt but I think there are definitely 'less wrong' things that people can do. I'm sure the full story will all eventually come to light eg. whether he's been having an emotional affair with this 'OW' prior

Wonder if the posters who don't think he's an asshole would be quite so magnanimous if it was their sister

Well it depends on whether he actually is cheating or not. If he is then he's an asshole whether its my sister or not. If he isnt cheating then again, i think he's done the right thjng whether its my sister or not.

Either way, cheating or not, hems done the right thing to end the relationship.

Dont think he should have taken the car as i assume the kids will need to get to school at least.

Tess the fact he has said he thinks this woman likes him back (after finally admitting there was a someone else) is a bit of an indication that there is a reciprocating woman.

He is doing what most men do in this situation in revealing as little information he can get away with.

It's like he has made the decision for her that she is going to be on her own, with their children and she has literally had no say in the matter. Who the hell is he to get to decide her life for her

So he should have taken the children? Or stayed in the house with the DC and told your sister to leave?

OP it is clear you dont have the full facts of their relationship. Nobody ever does when it is someone else's relationship.

Its always hard when relationships end but there isnt always a bad guy. I know its easier if there is so you can direct your feelings at them but there isnt always one.

I find your talk of loyalty odd. Should people just stay together forever because they once loved each other?

Rude - He should surely have distanced himself from this woman and then saw how he felt??!!

Not doing that is basically not giving his existing relationship a chance.

Yes i agree with that. While he was still with his partner he had no business maintaining contact with someone he felt that way about.

Is loyalty to a spouse or life partner really such an alien concept??

You surely do all to give your existing relationship a chance to flourish if you make the decision to marry or have kids with someone, not be in constant contact with someone you fancy!

No, loyalty isnt an alien concept. Loyalty to a partner to me would mean standing up for them if someone is putting them down. Or not cheating on them.

Loyalty doesnt mean you never end the relationship. It isnt disloyal to no longer want to be with someone.

Well this isn't just a girlfriend of a few months.

They had been together 11 years (which is a significant amount of time as sis is 32). Have built a home and life together, chosen to have two children. They were engaged to be married even if they hadn't got round to it yet. So yeah I kind of expect someone in that situation to show a little loyalty to their partner and their family? I sure as hell would expect DH to.

I think some of the responses here are very harsh.

Everyone is allowed to call time on a relationship if they've had enough, but it's not unreasonable to expect some kindness and consideration when doing so, particularly after a long marriage involving children.

Jesus Christ, what's wrong with people? He falls out of love over a period of time and says nothing, plans and prepares his exit still without doing her the courtesy of a discussion, presents this enormous, life-altering, devastating news and then compounds it all by refusing to explain or give any reasons.

Yes, he's allowed to do it. Yes, it's a shitty way to treat someone you once loved.

Sorry, long relationship, I see they weren't married yet.

Her parter of a decade fancied someone else and ended their relationship. Nothing had actually happened with the girl he fancied. Less than two years later him and this girl have a baby together. I think he was tremendously disloyal to my friend.

Like this. How is this disloyal? He ended the relationship because he clearly more than 'fancied' someone else. He went on to have a child with her. Nobody owes someone the rest of their life as a partner.

So yeah I kind of expect someone in that situation to show a little loyalty to their partner and their family?

What do you mean by loyalty in this context? Can you pinpoint what he could have done in ending the relationship that he wasnt happy in that would qualify as havjng done it with loyalty? Otherwise it just sounds like youre saying he shoud have stayed with your sister despite bejng unhappy.

I mean by not texting someone behind her back in the first place. And doing enough of it so he develops feelings for this ow. If that isn't disloyal then I don't know what is tbh.

Ah ok, yes i agree with this. He shouldnt have pursued any relationship with her before ending it with your sister.

I think your DH is right, if a bit blunt. Yes its better to tell your partner you are no longer in love with them, as hurtful as that is, if its truly the case then thats it. BUT - this thing:-

"He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back."

is a case of "oh do fuck off with the justification its not love's young dream here". If he's left/leaving then that needs to be sorted out why does DSis need to know or even listen to his musings about some woman and whether she may get to know his feelings or not?!

Cheeky fucker. She's better off without him, let him swan off live love's old dream the day-to-day of it may not be so magical as he thinks, especially if based on does she/doesn't she. But let that be his problem not your DSis problem the man sounds like a fool. What is it with that idiot type? They can't leave just because they've fallen out of love, or things aren't working.there always has to be another woman to "go-to" but then there are some women that find that kind of neediness-with-no-break attractive, I guess.

And granted, yeah he might just have decided he didn't want to be with her anymore which of course is a decision he is entitled to make. But he has gone about it in a very selfish and cruel way.

She wanted answers and all he would say was "I feel nothing for you and that's all there is to it". The rest of the time he would just tell her to stop going on about it and what's done is done. I'd never seen him be so cold towards her before, it was awful to see.

It's bollocks. He's having an affair already.. (IMO)

Well i agree mistress that it is cruel to mention the new love interest like that but from what OP says he wasnt mentioning her at all until the partner was pushing and pushing for another explanation. The "i dont want to be with you" wasnt enough for her.

Taking what he said at face value - yes, he did the fairest thing and left the relationship before starting another. However, it sounds as if what actually happened was that he was having an emotional affair. To me, that would be as much cheating as if he'd actually slept with the person. If it were me, i would prepare for the fact that there is much more to come out, not necessarily in terms of him actually sleeping with her, but of him having had a significant amount of contact with this woman and him making derogatory comments about the state of his relationship with your sister.

The best thing your sister can do is stop trying to get answers out of him - he will only admit to the minimum he can get away with. She needs to get her finances in order and speak to a lawyer.

I think if my DH turned around to me tomorrow and said "I don't want to be with you anymore" then that wouldn't be enough for me either. I'd want an explanation, so I could come to terms with it.

I think it has helped her knowing there is someone else and that it wasn't anything she had done to drive him away.

I think if my DH turned around to me tomorrow and said "I don't want to be with you anymore" then that wouldn't be enough for me either. I'd want an explanation, so I could come to terms with it.

I think it has helped her knowing there is someone else and that it wasn't anything she had done to drive him away.

Yes i would probably want more than "i just dont love you anymore" too. However i dont think it is then fair to say he was cruel for going on to say more. Not when thats what you wanted! M

vim totally agree.

No, him packing his stuff and leaving without telling he whilst she was out with the children is what I found cruel.

I'm glad he told her what was really going on because I knew she needed a real explanation to come to terms with it all and accept that he wasn't going to go back to her.

I just know it will get worse if he starts up a relationship with this other woman (who I suspect to be a close friend of them both).