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Original poster

Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

193 replies

MarjorieWinklepicker · 16/02/2016 15:10

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 17/02/2016 12:02

I think if there's any justice that can be rescued from this kind of situation it would be that family and friends were made aware of the truth of what has happened. So many times we hear of the injured party trying to be the better person, rising above it all and staying schtum. Doing so is pointless, only helping the perpetrator (for want of a better word).

Stumbletrip40 · 17/02/2016 12:07

how awful for your sister. Why would you spend time having intimate chats with another person when your partner is away? If he'd cared more about his family and not about his own personal desires he could have avoided this whole thing and spent time trying to re-capture whatever spark he felt he'd lost with your dsis...I forecast a lot of bilge along the lines of the garbage dilys has been subjected to, poor him, caught in an unstoppable storm of romance with his wife's best friend - barf.

AyeAmarok · 17/02/2016 12:36

The people saying it's not okay to leave should go and read AScaryFuture's thread that's active at the moment (it's called is being unhappy really enough of a reason to leave?).

You can't apply one rule for the man and a different one for the woman.

Katenka · 17/02/2016 12:37

It's her best friend???

Wtf?

Yeah I am in the 'they are both assholes' camp.

There is no way it hasn't already ripped into a EA.

So he didn't leave before there was an affair.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 12:43

No one has said its not ok to leave.

I don't think its good behavior to chase after your wifes best mate, to be in 'constant contact' with your wifes best mate, to out of the blue decide, 'oh, I'm not in love with you anymore' so you can dump your wife for the wifes best mate, do you?

The baby is only one. What a complete chump he is.

Likely outcome, the 'best mate' will back off - its not so much fun now - and he will come back crying to Dsis.

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2016 12:47

If this was a woman coming here to say she was unhappy in her marriage, she had fallen out of live with her dh and she had started looking at another man in a way she shouldn't as she no longer wants to stay in the marriage as it made her terribly unhappy.

Then half the posters would say leave your dh and let him be free to find happiness else where

AyeAmarok · 17/02/2016 12:49

Cross-post!

That's shitty behaviour if they have been having an affair. As I said in my first post on this thread, you do make a choice to let someone into your relationship. You know what you're doing when you're doing it, you know boundaries are being crossed and you know when you start to develop feelings for someone else that if your priority is your DP and family that you have to shut down all contact with them to protect your relationship, not just go with it and see what develops which is what seems to have happened here.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 12:51

Why are you making the comparisons? I don't get it.

This is a man who behind his wifes back has been going on jaunts with her best friend and is in constant contact with her. By marvellous coincidence, he's also SUDDENLY decided that he's not in love with his wife (despite small and planned baby) and without any warning, dumped her.

And he's a fabulous guy. Fuck that.

FredaMayor · 17/02/2016 12:54

Then half the posters would say leave your dh and let him be free to find happiness else where

Possibly, but would they also say 'and on no account discuss it with him, it needs to be a complete surprise'?

Stumbletrip40 · 17/02/2016 13:02

I agree I would say that to Op's partner that you have to leave if you really feel no love but I'd also say, are you sure there's no way your relationship can be fixed because splitting up is going to negatively affect your children, for the rest of their lives. It sounds to me as though the 'D'H involved in this sordid affair could easily have turned back from this disaster at several points but didn't care enough about his family's stability to do that.

Shutthatdoor · 17/02/2016 13:06

Possibly, but would they also say 'and on no account discuss it with him, it needs to be a complete surprise'?

No one other than the DSis and the ex know whether he has or not though.

As I said before. I had said for years before I left I wasn't happy. He would deny we ever had those conversations.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 13:07

Ok, so the Dsis is just like your ex-husband.

Was he always with your best friend, behind your back too?

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 13:08

Or rather, were you also seeing his best friend behind his back?

Shutthatdoor · 17/02/2016 13:09

No I wasn't. Not every marriage ends because of an affair despite what some people think

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 13:10

Then why are you making the comparison?

Shutthatdoor · 17/02/2016 13:12

Because people are saying he just up and left and never talked about it previously.

Maybe he did maybe he didn't. No one can say for certain either way.

Maybe he had said he was unhappy previously and now the best friend is the impetus to actually leave. Maybe he didn't.

Life isn't always so clear cut.

Lweji · 17/02/2016 13:13

It was the OP who said that. We could assume her sister said the truth or not.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 13:18

Why are you so bizarrely invested in saying that he's behaving well, Shut that door? It's really not about you.

This guy is behaving like a cunt.

Shutthatdoor · 17/02/2016 13:27

Why are you so bizarrely invested in saying that he's behaving well, Shut that door? It's really not about you.

Are you always so patronising?

Where have I said it is about me?

Point to me where have I said he has behaved well? You can't because I haven't.

I have been giving you know, an opinion, just like others have.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 13:34

I didn't mean to be patronizing - sorry.

Im annoyed at this fella not you!

I fully support anyones right to leave an unhappy relationship, but come on, he's been sneaking around with her BEST friend, he's suddenly dumped her out of the blue, he's now in love with her mate, I believe the op when she says Dsis has been taken by huge surprise, she thought they were happy, she's stuck with two tiny kids (that he wanted), he's moved back into the house but expects her to suck it up:

He's an arsehole.

And an asshole.

Heartbroken4 · 17/02/2016 14:24

I agree with what tartypants said near the beginning about loyalty and children. It all sounds very much like what my Husband of 15 years did, complaining w/es were too full of commitments and obligations, even thouh he worked away in the week, so, off he goes with another woman and leaves it all to me, seeing them every other w/e. Oh, and he didn't leave me for her, apparently, even though they got together immediately and he had been having an affair with her ...

Original poster
MarjorieWinklepicker · 17/02/2016 15:04

I don't know what to say to her anymore Sad

I thought she was at the angry stage right now but turns out she's not.

She's been at my house today to take her mind off it, he accidentally sent her a text meant for OW. Well she went mental at him over the phone, then they talked and then she was practically begging him not to do this to her.

It's really awful to watch.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 17/02/2016 15:29

Oh poor you guys,

I'd just carry on what you're doing - being there, and being practical.

She's been doubly betrayed and with young kids you're at your most vulnerable...she must feel lost. I hope the fact they're not married isn't bad news financially for her. Will she go to a solicitors?

I'd be careful not to slag him off too much because they might still get back together.

Does the OWs partner know yet?

Stumbletrip40 · 17/02/2016 15:34

All you can do is provide hugs and listen, it's very sad. I can understand the begging, she must be desperate for both her and her kids' sakes, I can see I'd feel it was all so avoidable. Does she at least have a good job to put her energy into?

Original poster
MarjorieWinklepicker · 17/02/2016 15:41

Yeah dsis told OW's partner. Her ex and OW begged her not to and said she was low for doing so but she thought he had a right to know. He wasn't that bothered apparently as they were having a rough patch anyway.

OP posts:
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