Is he an asshole or has he done the right thing?

[MarjorieWinklepicker]

So my dsis partner of 11 years left her two weeks ago. This was completely out of the blue, told her he had simply fallen out of love with her and of course she was completely devastated. They have two dc, aged 5 and 1.

I immediately suspected someone else but I didn't like to suggest it to her at the time. But lo and behold he reveals (on Valentine's Day too) that he has developed feelings for someone else. He says he hasn't had an affair and this ow doesn't even know about his feelings for her, but they are in constant contact and he had an inkling that she likes him back.

My DH has turned around and said "well at least he has done the right thing, ending his relationship before starting another". I can't get my head around that kind of thinking. He has completely destroyed dsis and their dc all because he fancies someone else? His timing couldn't be worse either as dsis has other issues going on (bereavement and health issues).

Just wondering how I can support her and what are the right things to say.

still though, how easy it was for him to walk out on his kids!

No one knows if it was 'easy". He could have been thinking about it for months and months.

He could have been thinking about it for months and months.

And keeping it to himself, what a decent chap.

He's lying and he's an arsehole.

I asked dsis if she had noticed any signs that he had checked out of their relationship and she said she wishes she had as she might have seen it coming.

She said he isn't a talker anyway and never has been which is why they never argued, she knew it wasn't worth asking him anything because she never got an answer. She said their relationship wasn't perfect and she admitted the butterflies in your tummy feeling had gone but it's what happens after 11 years and 2 dc. She thought they were happy and content even if it wasn't exciting. I guess some people can't live like that and that's fair enough.

And keeping it to himself, what a decent chap.

No one knows that he has.

If my exH was here he would say it 'came out of the blue' when I told him I was leaving.

The actual truth was I'd been saying it for 2 years. He chose not to listen.

I think technically he did the right thing. Walked away from one relationship before Pursuing another. I agree with your dh.

I ended a relationship because I had feelings for someone else. I never pursued the other person, but it made me realise the relationship wasn't right and hadn't been for a while.

I am saying he is technically right, because I don't quite believe he hasn't pursued this woman already and the way he did it (leaving while she was out) was shitty.

Assuming your dh believes what he is saying, I can see your dhs point. Far better than an affair.

But I don't believe your bills story at all I am afraid.

He's dumped the mother of his two very young children for someone else.

This is shoddy behaviour.

He could also have done the thing that most decent people do when they develop inappropriate feelings/a crush on someone else.
Avoid that person, spend time with their partner, forget about said person, work on their relationship etc...

This is just an easy way out. 'Oh well, he doesn't love her anymore so that was the right thing...'.
There is A LOT he could have done BEFORE arriving to that point.

Having said that, she might be able to have a much better/happier life wo him. Refusing to talk at all isn't a good start in a relationship. It tells me there is a lack of trust and an inability to show himself for who he is. All of which aren't helping develop a strong/good relationship.

Katenka I would imagine though that before saying 'there is something wrong in my relationhsip therefore I'm leaving' you have done all the work to save your realtionship first? That you have tried to understand why it's not working and what has been your part into it as well as his? That you have talked to your partner about it and tried to find a solution together?

If you did, then yes that was the right thing to do.

How about 'I have fallen in love with someone else and I want to be with her. I'm sorry' or 'I no longer love you and want to leave the relationship. I'm sorry. How can we make this easier for the kids'

Instead of moving out while she and the kids are out; treating her like she no longer exists bcs she no longer exists to him.

Shoddy shoddy behaviour. And some bonkers posts on here - this situation is not about rights its about decency and respect.

3wisewomen honestly I didn't do that much. Because I knew I had been unhappy and trying for a while. I didn't mean to develop feelings. Didn't even flirt. I wasn't in love with this other person. Just attracted to them. It made me really look at my life and didn't want to live with this boyfriend for the rest of my life.

I should have gone at least a year before. But I would never have tried o date the person I had feelings for. I decided that, actually, I would be better off alone to sort myself out.

How traumatic for their children would it have been him moving out in front of them?

How about before he is "in constant contact" with another woman (who he thinks likes him!) *how old is he, 12?) , he thinks, I've got a one year old baby at home, I really need to be supporting my wife. How about if he's feeling a bit of distance, he says, "Shall we get the baby sitter and go out"? How about if he's feeling troubled, he says, I'm feeling low about us, shall we get counselling or something?

Nah, far easier to dump the family and get with the new, fresh shiny woman?

As I said: bonkers posts on here.

And some bonkers posts on here

Just because people may not agree with you it doesn't make them 'bonkers'!

Agree

Poor Dsis.

OP - She said their relationship wasn't perfect and she admitted the butterflies in your tummy feeling had gone but it's what happens after 11 years and 2 dc. - but that's how she feels, that's not an indication at all of how he feels. She was happy enough and in the cosy stage of love, he wasn't.

I had wondered if the fact your youngest DN is 1 might be a sign he was waiting until your Dsis had returned to work post maternity leave and they'd paid off any debts run up in mat leave/rebuilt savings etc, but if he'd planned it for a long time, then he probably would have planned somewhere to go to. Sounds more like he's decided it's over so wants it to be over now, not thought beyond that. It could turn out to be some sort of breakdown or mid-life crisis, so I'd be very careful what you say to your Dsis about him as he might well come back.

Although my uncle did something similar, left my Aunt when my cousins were primary school aged, he wanted to be with someone else but wasn't having an affair (or if they were, didn't discuss leaving partners), seems the potential OW wasn't all that interested in leaving her DH/being with my Uncle. He lived alone for 6 months then they got back together again. When my cousins were late teens, he had an affair, but didn't want to leave that time, Aunt forgave him again. He retired, and promptly left for someone else, telling my Aunt that she should have known he's never been happy with her, and couldn't face being with her all day every day after retirement. She's devistated but claims she didn't see this coming, that they were 'happy' together, but to the rest of us, his actions have been telling her for 25+ years that he didn't love her and was only with her because it was easier than being alone and he'd not found anyone else to have him. I can't help thinking it would have been better all round for them to have not got back together in the first place.

I'm in this situation with DH after 12 years. Last 2 months he seems to have lost feelings for me. He 'loves me but is not in love' with me. We're talking it through. Trying to see if there's anything to fix. He's going to work on how he feels about me. He said there's no rush to move out but that he wants to be honest and he's not sure if there's a way back, but doesn't want to string me along. He wanted to give me the opportunity to move on with my life if I wanted to take it. He said during this process, if I meet someone else he won't stand in my way, but he has no intention of persuing any kind of relationship with anyone else during this time.

I am still devastated. And I don't want to make him stay if he wants to go, but I want and need the change to try to put things right.

*pursuing

sponge, your DP seems to be doing the thing that some of the earlier posters think OP's BIL is doing but isn't (he's clearly already having an affair, and with OP's sis' friend as well, buggered off when she was out, taking the car (think I read this somewhere) and then trying to move back in just so he has some where to live (but OP's sis is not allowed to ask questions)).

Everyone, what sponges DP is doing is what 'the right thing' looks like. But I am sorry for what you are going through sponge.

What annoys me about some of this stuff is the lack of responsibility or agency.

Like affairs and making plans to be with someone else are things that just 'happen' to people.

No, they are not. They are decisions. Made again and again, entirely borne out of selfishness.

My H had an affair last year and although it was a different situation (I tried my best to get him to leave on account of his shitty attitude, even before hearing of the affair, and he wouldn't go - a classic case of cake and eating it, among other things). When I found out, he maintained it was something that he had 'tried to stop ' but it had 'taken on a life of its own' and 'every time things went badly between us, it would start up again' (yes, that tends to happen when you pick fights to justify your behaviour). He claimed he 'had wanted things to work out' between he and I all along, 'and still did.'

It was totally ridiculous. All as if he had no power over any of it and was a passive bystander, helpless with the tide, and wondering what the outcome would be. Unsurprisingly I refused to take the giant tit back. I suspect she had given him the push too (or perhaps had already done so, hence his begging to me, as options closed down). As some other posters will know, he went on to kill himself but that's another story.

She only found out last night that OW is her best friend. This woman apparently doesn't know how she feels about him, which leads me to believe there has definitely been some kind of emotional affair. If I guessed it was this woman just based on what he writes on Facebook then there's no way she didn't know he has feelings for her.

Dsis is devastated. This woman had been her best friend, they live two doors apart. She was the one dsis went to as soon as he had left. Turns out they had been spending a lot of time together when dsis was at work, doing the school runs together and even went on a long road trip (although they did have dc with them)

So I'm firmly in the he's an asshole camp.

Bet your bottom dollar they've been at it like knives behind her back for weeks.

This creature is no 'friend' of hers. There's no 'being unsure how you feel' when it comes to a friend's partner. You just don't go there! Disgraceful behaviour from the pair of them!

Bloody hell

Your poor sister.

Asshole.

And what does he think is going to happen now? Really what a prick.