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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has done it again

132 replies

jampots · 29/12/2006 14:13

Initially we were going to scotland for a couple of days between xmas and new year then that was too far so we looked at closer for an overnight which bizarrely morphed into a day at Warwick Castle - today! Couldnt book tickets online so went along admittedly just after midday, the car park was full so I thought we could park on the other side and walk through a different entrance. Dh bearing in mind is whining and yelling at me because the car park is full which is my fault entirely. Unsure of how many hours to park the car for (pay and display) he asked me - ive never actually been into the castle so have no idea how long which i told him. He didnt want to make the decision so huffed off and left me the keys to teh car! He decided to take the train home. So armed with no money to pay for entrance tickets we;ve had to drive home. Dont have a clue where he is now though,

OP posts:
Original poster
jampots · 30/12/2006 10:05

freckle - one of my friends is a family lawyer and I have spoken briefly with her about this for her legal perspective. In previous discussions with dh when he cant get what he wants he usually declares he's leaving and has previously said I could havbe the house he just wants 20k to use as a desposit on somewhere for himself wqhich to be honest i think is fair. I could house myself in a small place in the school catchment area without a mortgage later in the year as am expecting a few bob from teh sale of some land. Obviously i would need to get a job but no mortgage would be a huge help.

fussymummy - thats an interesting point you make. im pretty sure he hasnt cheated on me but if he has/is then i dont know why he doesnt free himself and leave to be with her/him/it

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 30/12/2006 10:13

Sounds very like you have a plan and a good one at that. I think that you wouldn't have spoken to a lawyer (even as a friend) if you weren't pretty serious about doing something about it.

Am usually about if you need a chat x x x

Original poster
jampots · 30/12/2006 10:18

you are a honey hunker

OP posts:
Freckle · 30/12/2006 10:19

So what are your (joint) plans re the house? As things stand, if you are both named on the deeds, your conveyancer can only account to each of you with 50% of the equity unless they have been instructed otherwise by both of you.

Do you have a buyer yet? Are you looking (together) for another house? If not, are you looking separately?

If you are serious about ending the marriage, it might be sensible to get things moving prior to the actual sale of the house so that decisions can be made regarding the proceeds of sale.

hunkermunker · 30/12/2006 10:22

Jam and honey - we should sit on a breakfast table together one day [flippant]

TEEstheCEEsontobejolly · 30/12/2006 10:22

Hi Jampots, just been reading this thread. So sorry you're in sucha miserable situation and I really hope you and your children get such much deserved happiness soon, xxx

messyoldmess · 30/12/2006 10:28

If your house is on the market & you are feeling this unhappy in your marriage, please think seriously about making the move now.
I went & moved house 18 months ago, when I was in a similar situation to you. I knew I shouldn't be moving, but went along with it so not to make H angry. It was the worst mistake I made!
It has been miserable being in this house & a year after buying the house it was back on the market because we are now separating.
We went & upped our mortgage quite a bit for this house too, & if we had stayed put I would have been so much better off now, as I could have stayed in the house.
Wishing you lots of luck. You deserve so much better than this.

Carmenere · 30/12/2006 10:29

There is some very sensible advice here for you Jampots and you sound like are mentally ready to put a stop to this crap situation. Tbh when your dh's behaviour is so hateful towards you and your dc's that your only hope is that he is mentally ill, well he'd better be, because he is showing you no love and respect which are normal things that everyone deserves from their partner in life.
You deserve better, thinking of you.

KTreePee · 30/12/2006 10:37

Jampots, I remember your previous thread on your holiday to Ireland....

You can't and shouldn't keep putting up with this. If it was just a case of not wanting to go on days out it would be one thing (I choose not to take my dh to Legoland, etc because it would be worse than taking a bored teenager along ) but he seems to be treating you with contempt and disrespect on a daily basis and doesn't appear to enjoy spending any time with you and the children - as others have said, you deserve better and your children will have a more stable and probably happer life without him in the house

Dinosaur · 30/12/2006 11:20

Jampots, I'm really pleased that you're thinking seriously about getting away from him.

I don't usually join in choruses of "leave him leave him leave him" either, but he does sound beyond redemption, really.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do anyway, honey. And listen to messyoldmess, she knows what she's talkingi about.

anorak · 30/12/2006 11:59

Hi jampots. My ex was very like your H.

A spoilt brat. A bully. Self-centred. Controlling. Cruel.

Why did I stay with him? Because bullied people eventually lose their sense of perspective about their own right to some decent treatment. Repeat to your victim often enough that they are useless, worthless, undeserving of love, attention and affection and you will programme them to believe it's true.

Please leave him. And don't be reasonable and fair, plan it so that you don't get shafted. Plan, plan, plan so that you end up with some money and a place to live. If you do fair and reasonable and give him chances he will shaft you.

Do it. If you don't your life will not change it will just go on like this till one of you dies. You are only here once.

catsmother · 30/12/2006 14:38

I've come very late to this thread and everyone has already said what I would have done ..... but frankly, my overriding impression after reading this thread was one of fear, even though I, quite obviously, am not the one going through it and being treated like this (and sadness too, that so many others have admitted to being treated similarly).

Whether or not this behaviour is due to underlying mental illness - or whether it's "simple" abusive bullying - the point is that it's totally unacceptable, and it sounds as though you have put up with it for long enough. You are being treated like something on the bottom of his shoe .... being belittled and devalued ..... your children are being affected too.

If you are - practically, financially and emotionally - in a position to extricate yourself and the kids from this "man", then please do it, for yourself and for them. You shouldn't have to take this sh*t for one moment later. A separation doesn't have to automatically mean the end of your marriage - for example, the shock of it may just prompt him to seek some sort of professional help, be it counselling and/or anger management etc, and who knows, there may be some sort of future for you as a couple, providing he accepts some responsibility (well, most of the responsibility) for what's happened. However, the most important thing IMO is that you and your kids get yourselves into a place, NOW, - literally & emotionally - where you can actually relax and get on with your lives, without living in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety about when the next outburst will take place, or when you'll next be made to feel worthless.

I feel so sorry for you - and any other woman (and children) having to deal with something like this. It goes far beyond the odd bit of sniping or bickering .... and because it is so beyond the boundaries of what is usually considered acceptable behaviour between a couple, it must also be very frightening (and frustrating, humiliating, upsetting, baffling etc etc).

I hope you find the strength to leave and place yourself in a position of strength.

Original poster
jampots · 30/12/2006 15:55

Im not actually frightened of him at all in reality but I am completely worn down by him. I dont believe in myself most of the time and generally dont have much emotional or practical support. I do talk to friends but in reality I wouldnt feel able to ask for help if required. I have 2 sisters one of whom was coming round the wednesday before xmas with our presents and whom we still havent seen and I doubt that she has actually bought the children anything at all. The other one just lives in her own little world and simply cant see beyond her routine (neither have children) and neither are sympathetic if they do see me struggle.

We have been to Warwick Castle today and dh did insist on coming. It was a reasonable day apart from teh bit where ds wanted to go into Guys Tower (530 steep steps) and dh was taking him. Dh backed out because he slipped on a couple of the steps (was p*ing down) and then wouldnt go ahead so disappointed ds.

OP posts:
popsycal · 30/12/2006 16:04

jampots
this would not be an out of character thing for my dh to do - although he wouldnt go as far as getting the train home or walking home himself

hope you are ok xxx

catsmother · 30/12/2006 16:06

I know from my own past experience that having no support in real life isn't much fun. In fact it's very depressing and can be completely overwhelming when you have to do everything on your own (and your family don't even want to discuss your break up in a "offering a shoulder" type of way, let alone ever offer any practical help).

However, you will get through it one way or another. I did, so have 1000s of other single parents. One day, you will even turn round and give yourself a great big pat on the back (or several) for having the guts and the gumption to do things without anyone else. As you accomplish each "new" thing on your own, your self esteem will grow and you will start to believe in yourself again.

Beleive me, it's far more mentally healthy to be by yourself (and to prove that you are capable) than to remain in a situation where you are regularly belittled and insulted. I'm not surprised you feel worn down when you are irrationaly "blamed" for someone else's unrealistic expectations and whims.

woollygiraffe · 30/12/2006 16:11

Jampots, you sound like a really level headed person.
You also sound like a lovely Mum and caring person.

If you have got this far without support of your family, coped with the little ones and dealt with the the unexpected crap he has thrown at you, just imagine how much easier life on your own with the kids would be.

Take it in small steps, get brave, get organised and make a break for happiness, you sure deserve it.

Helgand · 30/12/2006 17:16

Jampots, in RL I live in Plymouth and I would be willing to be 'called upon' if you live anywhere down this way. I expect other mners would feel the same and we probably live all over the country.

wethreebobkings · 30/12/2006 17:23

I would have been a bundle of stress the second time wondering if he was going to go again. But seriously, if a child had acted like this would we have let them go the second time?

Original poster
jampots · 30/12/2006 17:38

Helgand thats very kind thank you I live in the Midlands though but a lovely thought nonetheless

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NOELallie · 30/12/2006 18:36

Glad to hear you're considering ditching him. Life is too short and it doesn't sound as if there's much left in the relationmship for you.

PeachysaysBlwyddynNewyddDda · 30/12/2006 19:01

Im glad that you are getting your had round it all.

I know my Dh had the excuse of illness and did get himself sorted, but his constant walking off left me too scared to go out with him, and as I have SN kids and can't do it without an extra adult, I ended up with agoraphobia which i am still battling 3 years on when his illness and behaviours have long passed.

Original poster
jampots · 31/12/2006 12:23

i had a good talk to dh late last night mainly because he wanted sex (!) and was therefore a captive audience. (we didnt btw) He thinks im a lousy wife before I rarely have sex with him. I told him I wanted and deserved (and the children) respect from him which he doesnt give in teh way he treats us and speaks to us). He seems to think if he had more sex then he would be nicer! I suggested he look elsewhere then. He reckons he cant see where he's going wrong which baffles me and many MNers too I expect. I became quite emotional when I told him about the "what did your dh/dp get you for xmas" thread and all these lovely dh/dps bought lovely presents some of which were surprises which showed they actually knew and took time to consider their partners. In previous years he's always used the excuse that he's been working many hours but of course this year he's been off since August and still didnt bother - he said he didnt think about it! "This" I said "is precisely what Im talking about" No thought or consideration.

OP posts:
Original poster
jampots · 31/12/2006 12:24

that should read "because" I dont have sex not "before"

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batters · 31/12/2006 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miaou · 31/12/2006 13:13

jampots, I have no advice for you, besides which there are lots of very excellent people on here already giving you some excellent advice. But I am just so sad that you are going through this. As hunker said, you really don't deserve it.

Actually, I think that should be your new mantra, when you are feeling crap. "I deserve better than this."

Have a (((hug)))