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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has done it again

132 replies

jampots · 29/12/2006 14:13

Initially we were going to scotland for a couple of days between xmas and new year then that was too far so we looked at closer for an overnight which bizarrely morphed into a day at Warwick Castle - today! Couldnt book tickets online so went along admittedly just after midday, the car park was full so I thought we could park on the other side and walk through a different entrance. Dh bearing in mind is whining and yelling at me because the car park is full which is my fault entirely. Unsure of how many hours to park the car for (pay and display) he asked me - ive never actually been into the castle so have no idea how long which i told him. He didnt want to make the decision so huffed off and left me the keys to teh car! He decided to take the train home. So armed with no money to pay for entrance tickets we;ve had to drive home. Dont have a clue where he is now though,

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/12/2006 17:41

He actually sounds mentally ill to me. This just isn't a normal way to behave.

mellowma · 29/12/2006 17:42

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 17:42

Jammy, he needs help, I think. Will he see his GP?

This isn't normal behaviour.

Have a hug x x x

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 17:43

MTS = long time no see

I just didnt take my bag - he was paying on his credit card. There was nothing particularly sinister about that at this time but yes he does try to keep me personally short. eg. Ive just had £3k come to me and Ive had to put £1k into the joint bills account and pay £700 off the settees we bought last year on 0% interest. Plus I gave him £150 for the watch as joint 40/xmas present. So pretty much £2k has gone and I had to pay for xmas too although have asked him for half (after bumping up the cost of things and not taking a couple of bits he paid for into account)

OP posts:
Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 17:44

thanks for the hugs ladies - very lovely

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 17:45

Is he stressed about anything? Or is he always this miserable and peculiar?

I really, really want to suggest that when you sell the house, you buy a place for you and the children...but I won't...yet...

mellowma · 29/12/2006 17:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 17:47

hunker - dont think I havent done my calculations.

OP posts:
BeetrootsResolution · 29/12/2006 17:47

Jampot - You know life does not have to like this!!! I remember the thread about your holiday in ireland. He is a kill joy, nasty man

mummytosteven · 29/12/2006 17:48

Hello jammy! on a practical note, always take your bag and some means of payment with you on outings, your H doesn't sound like he can be trusted. Whether he is unwell or merely very bitter and unpleasant, it doesn't sound fair on you and the kids dealing with him.

idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 17:48

jampots this is entirely abusive behaviour you know that. It is wicked. My OH does this all the time and the manipulation continues with things like being nice afterwards or offering something as 'recompense'. The only apology or compensation worth having is that it NEVER happens again.

If he hates you so much why doesn't he just fuck off? Answer below.

My OH blames me and look at what happens when I try and leave the relationship. Sounds maybe like Personality Disorder to me which still comes under mental health.

Answer: because he needs to behave like this and doesn't actually hate you - you are just the focus of his built up negative emotions. If he is like my OH at all he will be angry at himself and that is why he diverts the anger to you.

hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 17:51

I thought you might've done...

I would imagine you've done a pros and cons of staying together and splitting up list too?

What happiness does he bring to your life? Was he different when you met? Can you pinpoint when he changed, if he did? Is there still anything about him that's fun and that you find endearing? How about the children? How are they with him?

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 17:51

I actually think he would be happy if I sat sobbing and quivering in a corner begging for forgiveness

He is quite simply a spoilt bastard who's always had his own way and cant bear the thought of not being able to control me (and the children)

Ds says dh makes him anxious and worries him when he does things like this. Ive said its ok if ever he wants to talk about it to me or his teacher or anyone else

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 17:53

If DH was like this, I'd sling him out, to put this in context. I'll MSN you later if you're about, lovely - am meant to be tidying the bedroom

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 17:54

hunker - when I first knew him he was quite fun but since he worked at Land Rover he's turned into a "bloke" IYKWIM. Always swearing and being racist/sexist etc. He is absolutely no fun whatsoever at all. He only seems happy when he's going to see his birth mum. He has left LR now and starts a new job on 2/Jan so maybe a little anxious but has happened too often to be down solely to that

OP posts:
idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 17:55

If your dc are saying things like this you HAVE to step in and stop what is making them feel this way. That's what I am doing waaay too late.

It isn't enough to be able to talk about it. I've spent years telling myself that because I cope so well with things the children don't actually suffer as much as they might and that mostly I keep things on an even-ish keel for them, but none of it is normal and it isn't good or normal for them to watch mummy singlehandedly cope with this amount of crap.

lots of love
x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2006 18:00

Hi Jampots,

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. It may give you some insight. Controlling men are often very angry at heart as well.

It is not your fault he is like this although he is apt to blame you for everything.

Being in a controlling relationship is no fun at all for either you or your children to say the least (they may well go onto choose such controlling partners themselves). I feel for your son in particular - he is being badly affected by his Dad's behaviour.

You need to consider your options carefully because he will in all likelihood never change his ways.

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 18:05

thanks Atilathemeerkat - I'll look out for that. I do realise that Im not to blame for many of his outbursts and have discussed with the children that they arent too. They arent little though so we do periodically discuss it. Dd sees right through him and without actually verbalising this, realises he's a nob.

Ds realises that it is wrong to behave in the way daddy does and that speaking to anyone and especially ladies like that is completely wrong and disrespectful. So I do try to turn each incident into a lesson in manners/behaviour for them.

OP posts:
idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 18:21

jampots i don't mean to harp on at you because firstly I don't want to be a hypocrite and secondly not wanting to kick you when you are down but even though you are talking and explaining, coping and being honest and open with your dcs the one thing that is plain to them is that you are tolerating this and not putting a stop to it.

so, no matter how well equipped they are for understanding their father's behaviour, the thing that won't be clear to them or oaky for them is the fact that it goes on.

It's taken me a long time to realise this myself so maybe I am now being a bit preachy but maybe you could consider this?

batters · 29/12/2006 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkchampagne · 29/12/2006 19:21

What a total arse! So sorry you are going through this, you are worth so much more.

PeachysaysBlwyddynNewyddDda · 29/12/2006 19:49

You know, this is rpecisely the sort of crap I used to get from my DH, storming off the amrket in the rain with a five mile trek back. The thing is, he WAS ill, he had verys evere depression and was actually desperately trying to show everybody how bad he was hurting because he couldn't see that we did realise. He was also so wrapped up inhis own world he couldn't see how actions affected us.

However, if your Dh isn't ill then he is a controlling prat and you should depart forthwith.

mummy2aaron · 29/12/2006 20:25

Sorry love, he's a tit. I am married to a Control Freak too, it's hell - I now feel so worthless I don't think I could cope alone - you sound stronger, please try to do something about it.

Bekks · 29/12/2006 20:33

Sounds like the sort of behaviour from my ex - he has bipolar disorder (manic depression). That kind of adds another slant to it (ill, not just a tw*t) but whether it's his "fault" or not, nothing significantly changes, and when it comes down to it's not good enough for me or dd and I have more energy to have a life of my own without him. It's not likely to just change itself, it sounds like you need to do something - doctors, ultimatum, at least find some support for yourself to make a decision - no one deserves that kind of behaviour directed at them. Take care.

nutcracker · 29/12/2006 20:36

You know my xp was very similar don't you, such a miserable bastard, constantly dragging me and the kids down into his mierable world, and he moaned so much that almost complete strangers would coment on it.

I know i moan alot on here since we've split but believe me it is 1 million times better being without him than with him, however broke or lonely I may feel sometimes.

You'd be fantastic without him you and the kids would, having a laugh without fear of him moaning, doing as you pleased without stupid remarks.

Please think about it, you are such a nice person and he doesn't deserve you, he doesn't deserve anyone.