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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has done it again

132 replies

jampots · 29/12/2006 14:13

Initially we were going to scotland for a couple of days between xmas and new year then that was too far so we looked at closer for an overnight which bizarrely morphed into a day at Warwick Castle - today! Couldnt book tickets online so went along admittedly just after midday, the car park was full so I thought we could park on the other side and walk through a different entrance. Dh bearing in mind is whining and yelling at me because the car park is full which is my fault entirely. Unsure of how many hours to park the car for (pay and display) he asked me - ive never actually been into the castle so have no idea how long which i told him. He didnt want to make the decision so huffed off and left me the keys to teh car! He decided to take the train home. So armed with no money to pay for entrance tickets we;ve had to drive home. Dont have a clue where he is now though,

OP posts:
PeachysaysBlwyddynNewyddDda · 29/12/2006 20:36

mummytoaron you DO cope alone love, you'd just have LESS stress without him (and you know we're always here with a hug, and a bed too if needed)

HazelnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 29/12/2006 21:05

jampots, your DH sounds like my XP1. he would always blame me when things went wrong! Like it would be down to me why the shops would be full with shoppers at Christmas time.

I hope you manage to get out tomorrow without him and have the best day out ever!

Bekks · 29/12/2006 21:16

I also have great days out now with dd without ex because I can cope with her getting grumpy and he never could - and it's lovely getting home with her after a day out and feeling all close and happy

Crotchety · 29/12/2006 21:32

Really sorry to hear all this Jampots. You mention that he is only happy when he's with his birth mother - can you talk to her about it? Presumably he's got some issues about being adopted or something? Sorry if I've jumped to conclusions here or only have half the story (if that!).

Dior · 29/12/2006 21:41

Message withdrawn

tiredemma · 29/12/2006 21:44

Jampots, im amazed that someone as lovely as as you has to put up with this kind of shit.

He sounds very childish, I hope one day yo are in a position to fck him off and live in peace without him speaking to you and treating you like a doormat.

You are leagues above him.

mummy2aaron · 29/12/2006 21:50

Aww Peachy - I do like you you know, you are such a love.

madmarchhare · 29/12/2006 21:54

Jampots, its good that you are being honest with your children but this is a lot for them to cope with.

As an adult, I look back and remember being 'involved' in my parents split and their subsequent relationships. At the time I thought I was coping, indeed I did, but tbh I blame a lot of my troubles/anxieties that I suffer with now, on a childhood where I was expected to understand too much.

As well as you might be able to explain events to your children, at the same time you are condoning his behaviour, which I believe in the long run is harming them more.

Its very difficult to explain and I hope that you dont think me patronising but I do think they have too much on their young shoulders.

I hope you find a permanant solution to this situation sooner rather than later.

3Ddonut · 29/12/2006 22:39

Hi, just read this thread from start to finish and I hope that you had a good day, you know that you'd have a better life without him, why not give it a trial separation? Sending you hugs!

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 23:43

dior - he does realise that I dont accept what he says or indeed the way he says it but other than leaving im at a loss to see what I can do. He doesnt appear to care about anything I say. He does realise he's in the wrong when he calms down but doesnt appear to want to take responsibility for his own actions. I am seriously considering leaving/asking him to leave although have the house on the market right now so could be a good time generally to move on without him. I genuinely dont think I would miss him and although ds would be upset at the breakup i do believe he will be a lot less anxious and will be better in the long run. Both children are more relaxed when he's not here.

OP posts:
Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 23:45

i also dont know whether to speak to his mum - i dont actually get on with her but i do feel that this is partly his parents problem too as they have encouraged him to be like this. I mentioned his vile language to them last time they were over here and his mum says he's just under pressure and his dad thinks he;s tired! FFS

His birthmum has only been on the scene for about 4 years and he doesnt see her that much tbh although i think if she opened the door every week he would go at least every other week. I dont think speaking to her would benefit at all

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 23:46

I think you have your answer in that post, Jammy.

You and the children deserve better than this behaviour - either your DH works out how to behave better (I suspect he won't do that without professional help) or you leave.

As you say, now may be the best time to do it, with the house on the market. But do think carefully - it's a big step. A trial separation might be the way forward. How does that make you feel?

lou33 · 29/12/2006 23:47

i want you to leave him jampots

Original poster
jampots · 29/12/2006 23:48

absolutely fine hunker

myfriend was round earlier and i was talking about what I needed to do - take the tree/decs down, recycle cards etc and i accidentally said "clear dh's stuff out"

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/12/2006 23:49

I don't usually chant leave him leave him on here.

But I will if you don't - because the time is so right for you to do it - New Year, house on the market - and you need to for your sake and for the children's sake.

You're too nice for this shit.

idontlikecrusts · 30/12/2006 00:27

If I can you can

Monkeytrousers · 30/12/2006 01:00

He is having problems defo - if you don't know what they are you need to find out - he's being a wanker, no mistake; but why??

Monkeytrousers · 30/12/2006 01:02

I wouldn't bother with his mum - if you don't get on this may be more fuel for crappy politics. Get professional help, if not for your relatuionship then for your kids - he is being a crap role model

Monkeytrousers · 30/12/2006 01:05

By 'mum' I meant non birth mum - too much baggage there anyway.

He's a child that is still wanting a hug to take it all away and thinks a tantrum will get it..

VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/12/2006 02:17

Jampots, how long are you going to put up with this?

You are such a lovely lady. You dont deserve this.

madamez · 30/12/2006 02:28

Get rid of him. You are a a human being who deserves civil treatment, and your children deserve not only civil treatment, but not to learn the lesson that any human being is a disposable punchbag.
Because, if you're thinking that his behaviour is down to a "problem with the relationship' or you not being "nice' or 'loging' enough to him, remember that his behaviour is making the children suffer, and putting them at risk (how are they supposed to get home if Daddy has fucked off with the money/car keys?). Whether or not he's mentally isll (which doesn't mean you and the children have to just put up with his behaviour cos he's ill) you need to insist on civilised treatment for all of you.

madamez · 30/12/2006 02:33

Oh, and just a bit of a BTW, I am adopted. I was adopted as a baby. I am going to try tracing my birth parents this coming year. Whatever happens, I'm not going to be treating my children, friends, or family like objects onto which I can project all (if any) of my supposed deep pain. There's too much crap around about this idea that men "can't talk about their feelings' which seems to mean that they're exempt from having to behave with ordinary politeness.

Don't put up with his crap, dear.

fussymummy · 30/12/2006 02:43

Have just read loads of these posts.

My partner has a mental illness, and although he's fine most of the time, when he has a bad time, he sounds like your husband!!

Does he have any mental health issues?

After saying all of that, i was with a man for 5 years, (before i met my current partner).

He started to treat me the way you're being treated, and it turned out it was because he wanted to be with the woman he'd been seeing behind my back!!!

Has your hubby ever gone with anyone else or is it possible???

Freckle · 30/12/2006 04:42

Jampots, just seen this and am so sorry you have having to deal with such crap.

You always seem so strong and together in your posts that it seems weird that you have put up with this man's behaviour for so long.

As you say, with the house on the market, perhaps this is the time to say no more. Have you seen a solicitor to talk through the options? After all, you don't want to walk away with only half the equity when you have to rehouse yourself and two children.

wethreebobkings · 30/12/2006 05:57

This man is an arse. Either he starts being nice to you or you sling him out. I suspect he needs professional help to learn what is and isn't acceptable behaviour - but using the f word to your dd - well he should be able to work that one out for himself.

Have you tried saying "either you are mentally ill or you are a very nasty man, take your pick, but don't take it out on me."