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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't share his money

266 replies

NotEqual · 29/12/2006 12:15

My Dh has a high earning secure job(earns £80K a year) and recently sold a share of a property and got another £80K. However he won't entertain the concept that half of this is mine(or to put it better,it is all OURS).We do not have a joint account,he puts money into my account every month plus I have a part time job and child benefit,so I am not short of money.He doesn't thimnk I can be trusted with money as I do occasionally run up credit card debts which he then pays off.I know this is stupid of me but I feel sometimes it is the only way to spend what I consider to be my money too.If we were short of money or had loads of debts I would not do it but we are not.Sorry I sound like a spoilt bitch but I am not,I just feel that I am not an equal partner and he cannot love me as much as his money!!

OP posts:
Bluebear · 30/12/2006 21:58

Hmm.. you have got an unusually small mortgage (for your income bracket!)

I'm bowing out then. Dh and I have money in sole accounts and in joint accounts and it is simultaneously mine, his or ours depending on how we choose to look at it at that moment.

Original poster
NotEqual · 30/12/2006 22:01

Yes Lilly I understand your point,that is why I think he deserves to spend on his hobbies and things he likes,it does not mean we are going without,so I think it is fair and he works hard so why not?I also appreciate that really it is only the principle of the thing that irks me,I have no wish to squander money.The only thing is why is HE paying my credit card when surely at least some of the money is mine?I can pay it with my share!(again,credit card not the issue really)Also am I more 'entitled' to the children as I 'put more in' where they are concerned?

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 30/12/2006 22:03

My dad was terrible with money - he knew this, so even now my mum has control over all the money (they both work) and gives him cash when he needs it.

I am in a similar situation with dp, had to bail him out a couple of times.

The difference with these situations is both my dad and dp are perfectly happy with the situation. They see it as sensible. If dp wants to buy anything big then he discusses it with me. Also if I want to buy anything big I discuss it with him. Just cos I have control doesn't mean I keep him in the dark (IYSWIM) - my parents are the same.

May not be every one's cup of tea, and both my dad and dp have had the piss taken out of them for it - but they don't care as they are happy with the situation. (BTW dp earns and I am a student so really I suppose it is his money, but we don't quibble over it).

Original poster
NotEqual · 30/12/2006 22:05

Yes Bluebear,we have a small mortgage,we have been married quite a long time and bought when prices were sensible! DH being the cautious individual he is would not countenance borrowing high income multiples!We have a large 5 bedroomes house though,so no need to move !

OP posts:
lillypad · 30/12/2006 22:08

I know what you're saying and believe me, occasionally I do get wound up about it too. But, the bottom line for me is that we are married (happily for the most part) and it's a situation that is unlikely to change unless have a lottery or my book, Larry Trotter, finally gets published! . Other than that I have to accept that he has pots of money and I have pretty much squat to my name so to speak. If he did declare that the money is yours as much as his would that really solve the issue? Or is it a control thing? (Don't get me started on that one!!)

lillypad · 30/12/2006 22:09

'win' the lottery

Original poster
NotEqual · 30/12/2006 22:37

Yes Lilly,am sure that it is a control thing,and that is why it angers me.I hear other people say 'our' money quite happily about themselves,and I always feel 'why can't I say that? I t puts him I feel in a dominant position in our relationship, and yet in reality he defers to me on most issues(bar money!) ,perhaps that is why he keeps control of this! I probably sound like this is a major issue in our relationship,but I do not stress about it on a daily basis I can assure you.I just wanted other opinions so that I can have a good talk to him about it before we begin another year.

OP posts:
lillypad · 30/12/2006 22:47

I think successful high earning men are so used to being 'the boss' that they have a need to control and because we as the wife and mother can handle and have pretty much everything in hand in homelife without need of direction from them, this is the one area where they can hold sway, even if it's just psychologically. As our relationship is in all other ways ok (as yours is) , I tend to just humour him to be honest..!! (But I know it's frustrating!!) I know deep down me and our dd will never go short, if anything, the only thing that riles me is that he maybe squirreling away money and assets for her in trust without my knowledge, now that does get my back up - (I discovered by accident he had bought a house for his parents which is in trust for our dd when she turns 25, without consulting me) Grrr! I'd forgetten about that and now I'm getting cross!!! Hopefully, your dh isn't prone to shadiness such as this!!

lillypad · 30/12/2006 22:50

With that I'll say night and hopefully, you'll get it sorted the way you want it in the new year, best of luck with it - I totally empathise!!

whatwouldjesusdo · 30/12/2006 23:20

NotEqual, another thought: my parents keep their money separate, just because of the way they are. imo, they live rather separately, though they seem to rub along well enough.

Could it just be, that he hasnt realised its an issue? What did his parents do, because he probably does the same.

smartiepartie · 30/12/2006 23:29

it also depends on how far it goes - for example, if you need something that's more in your domain than his (a new washing machine, a car for you, a better fridge-freezer) but it's a want-need rather than a need-need (eg the washing machine is noisy and inefficient rather than terminally broken) what happens then? presumably he pays for it, but do you have to ask very nicely? does he have the veto? how do you feel about that?

My husband was the same as yours, and while I put a positive face on it and pretended it didn't matter in fact it was a serious symptom of conrol and sharing issues and one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. If it bothers you enough to post here it probably needs fixing.

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2006 00:46

Blimey Lillypad. I'd be furious at h buying a HOUSE without TELLING me!

Do some of you really think a SAHP's (of either sex) contribution is unimportant? Blimey, with attitudes like this from women we don't need men to make sure the pay gap stays massive unfairly weighted, we're doing it to ourselves! Do we really think time and effort spent bringing up children is worth so little? Or is time only worth something when it's in the oth working world? I find it very sad.

WideWebWitch · 31/12/2006 00:49

And I'd say a washng machine/fridge benefits ALL the family not just the woman who uses it (if it is the woman, in our house it's both of us plus the cleaner)

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:44

consider yourself lucky.
I fail to see the problem.

All this "if you got divorced you would be entitled to half "
is EXACTLY why the higher earningpartner does NOT want to have a joint account.

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:50

just read the discussion.
Xenia I agree with all your points. Our view is not fashionable however.

Judy1234 · 31/12/2006 01:51

Lopok the solution is very very simple in 2006. Women should work and earn their own money. People below saying they'd rather earn the money, delegate the childcare and nose wiping and buy their own sports car what is sto stop them? Often because they don't have the abilities to earn what their husbands earn.

I did the working and buying everything for myself and it's a good feeling, that it's your money and you earned it.

Fascinating how in 2006 there are these really old fashioned marriages where women stay at home and don't even know what their men earn and the men are hiding money and buying properties in secret. It sounds like Victorian England. I didn't know that kind of thing still existed and yet some you seem happy to tolerate it presumably because of the meal ticket for life. Isn't it demeaning? Isn't it his plans to ensure he's not so shafted by the wife if he's divorced, that things are hidden etc?

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:52

sadly I think this discussion is a good example of how the classic domestic " exchange " often does not work

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:53

too true.
Women and men should work and earn their own money.

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:54

I can completely understand why a married man who earns lots whose wife earns nothing would want to conceal his assets to avoid being shafted in a divorce.

I would do the same.

cochlear · 31/12/2006 01:56

it goes without saying I understand why a married woman who earns a lot whose husband earns nothing would hide her assets to avoid shafting in a divorce.

MomOnTheRun · 31/12/2006 04:19

It's a shame that some sahm see themselves as someone providing services for dh/dp and dc. Some do sound resentful and I think it's more of a communication issue if you are feeling that way.

Marriage or being with someone and having children is done out of love. You MAKE LOVE before you can have children. You can't measure it with money. If you think it's an unfair deal then you need to discuss with dh/dp. Every household is different. At the end of the day, is OP after someone who agrees with her to justify herself or learning from other peoples experiences?

eidsvold · 31/12/2006 05:49

Xenia I love my old fashioned marriage where I do not know exactly how much dh earns - but have a joint bank account and I know for sure he is not buying up property o/s as there is no way he could afford it. He earns the income that pays our mortgage and all the bills.

I am at home with 2 little ones and about to have no 3. Despite the ability to earn a relatively high income - the childcare costs would cripple us as would having to purchase another car and the other expenses that come with working. I do not see myself as a leech who views my husband as my meal ticket for life BUT for now I am a SAHM looking after my 4yo with special needs and my 2 yo and no 3 to come.

Do not feel demeaned in any way - am involved with community organisations and busy taking care of my children - my self worth is not tied up with earning capacity or my bank balance but rather the contribution I can make to my family and my community.

Notequal if you are unhappy with the current situation - talk to your partner about it - perhaps he feels that money is a safety net against unemployment, ill health or incapacity. IF you are not able to cover all the expenses without resorting to the credit card then perhaps you can as others have suggested negotiate a raise in the contribution made by your dh.

Original poster
NotEqual · 31/12/2006 08:45

Lillypad,I think our situations are similar but definitely no secret house buying!
Yes,I really just wanted to hear other peoples experiences,as I say we are not about to get divorced,this issue isn't taking over my life,as Lilly said it just raises its head occasionally and I wondered if my views were out of order.
Any major household expenditure,eg new washer etc is paid for out of DH account.(the one that has OUR money in it!!)There is never any problem with that.
Can I repeat,I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM(Shouting loudly)
Xenia,Cochlear etc,as has been said on here before in similar posts,Not all of us can earn mega salaries,nor do we all want to delegate the upbringing of our children to others.I have a job for which I trained for a number of years,It will never pay a fantastic salary but for the few hrs I do it is great.My husband can and does earn alot more than me,and he would never cope as well as I do with looking after the children all day etc,so why shouldn't I do it? All too soon they will be grown up and gone(one is a teenager already-another thread entirely,as anyone with teenagers will know!)
I came on here sounding pissed off I know,now I think how lucky I am!!.Think I will take my Wonderful husband a cup of tea and snuggle up to him etc etc(IYSWIM)You never know,might get a new dress out of it!
JOKE JOKE(BEFORE ANYONE LYNCHES ME,I AM JOKING)

OP posts:
Freckle · 31/12/2006 08:56

How terribly depressing to view marriage as a situation where one partner squirrels away money and assets against the time when the marriage fails.

I had a well paid job, with an earning potential very close to that of dh. I do not feel (and neither does dh) that, in giving up that career to care for our children, I am now a leech or a kept woman. We both contribute to our marriage in different ways. Look on it like a manufacturing business; the manufacturing side costs money to run, raw materials, etc., but the sale department brings in money. Should those working in the sales department keep more of the money which the whole business earns, simply because they sell the goods?? No, whatever money is earned by the business, regardless of your role in making the money, should be shared equally.

Apart from my contribution to the family unit, I also contribute in a very positive way to my community. I am respected for the work I do and I do believe that society is better for it - bearing in mind that I am not doing it for my sole financial gain.

There may well come a time when I return to full-time employment, when all my children are old enough not to need me at home, and then any money I earn will go into the central pot.

The society you promote, where men and women both earn their own salaries, is a desperate one where no child is fully raised by its own parents because they think earning money and preparing for the day their marriage fails is more important than one of them being at home for the child. Bleugh.

whatwouldjesusdo · 31/12/2006 09:09

cochlear, the problem is simply one of trust and sharing. NotEqual isnt moaning that she wants more money, she just feels that the principle is wrong. which it is.