Emotional affair - further revelations

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my OHs emotional affair with a work colleague, happened shortly after we got engaged, in the early stages of a much wanted third pregnancy, and apparently was due to the huge amount of work stress he was under... He stopped it before anything happened, but didn't tell me and was apparently happy that he and the OW had it all nicely sorted. They carried on being friends at work. Since I found out they have stopped all contact though do still work for the same company. However more things have emerged since... Firstly I cannot get a straight answer about how it ended, the way he tells it they went for a coffee (and I can't get him to say who arranged the meeting) and then spontaneously mutually decided it was getting out of hand and to just stop it all now... This doesn't ring true. Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc. he doesn't do this for any other work friends. And during this time he never mentioned her to me, I hear lots about most of his work mates. He also had some odd conversations with her about sex and some problems she was having with her OH, which she apparently had never bothered her GP about but that he decided could be related to a latex allergy, hence a LOT of Internet searches about latex free condoms... I cannot work out why she either didn't talk to her OH or GP about her problems, or couldn't Google this for herself... It all smacks of something new going on I think? I hope not, but want to know what you lovely lot reckon. We are still together but that is largely as I found out shortly before having number three child, and don't want to make any huge decisions while I am a hormonal soup...

Sorry this is so long...

I'm really sorry op but this does sound really really dodgy.

My immediate thought was that she has a latex allergy and he is looking for ways round it, for them. Who uses Google to investigate a colleague's sexual issues for them? A colleague he is supposedly not having anything to with? Sounds like BS to me

When are you due? What a knob he is, really really feel for you.

Well a big, fat boundary has been crossed. Well and truly. Buy you know this. So what now?

He is massively lying to you. Leave him.

Well quite... It seems an odd topic to discuss with a work friend at any rate. And even If the latex allergy thing was a new idea surely she could google it herself? I don't have a god feeling about this... The baby is here, three weeks old... Taking a bit of time to see how I feel but also mulling over my options and what other set ups could work with the children and dogs and my job post mat leave....

Emotional affairs are affairs that have not yet turned physical. Usually they do turn physical , unless there is a barrier to actually meeting up , on line or long distance affairs for example. I'm sorry to say I think if you press he will probably reluctantly admit to a little kiss. But be prepared to listen to the speech he gave her , how it's wrong and we can't do this.

You know that despite what he's said , the affair didn't end. They continued to communicate in private and exchanged gifts. I think you are looking at the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. I'd do some digging.

Not really sure how else I can dig? He is pretty tech savvy, all his work stuff is done through a remote log on to the work system which I cannot get access to, and he is perfectly capable of cleaning anything incriminating out of his phone and Facebook etc... Could contact her and see what she says but not sure how far that will get me either, prob a total dead end and will make him even more careful. Any ideas?

I think the latex allergy says a lot. I would think she has the allergy and he was potentially looking for condoms he could wear, not for husband. Why would he try to help her husband?? I think if you have to dig then the trust is gone. I would tell him you won't be taken for a fool, if he wants to work on it he needs to come clean. However, he may continue to lie and then it is up to you if you are happy to stay with this hanging over you.

Why dig further? You already know he has cheated on you in some shape or form.

Yes I know he has cheated but there is, to me, a big difference between a flirtation that went too far but he realised what was happening and stopped it, and if this is what happened it was pretty brief, versus a full blown affair. The former is a huge breach of trust but something there is a possibility of working through with time and counselling, the latter is a deal breaker, full stop.

Discussing condoms is something you do when you know you're going to sleep together.

The affair is not only ongoing but escalating

I am not sure what processes you have employed to try to convince yourself of this but they are going to drive you mad eventually

Stop denying that your H is not faithful to you and things will become clearer

Just out of interest, what was he doing before that you named an "emotional affair" that he is not doing now ?

Yeah, the condom thing can't be innocent - if a female friend of yours had a latex allergy, you'd tell her to google for alternative products. You wouldn't look on her behalf. Very shady behaviour.

Sorry, bit confused. Was the latex discussion whilst they were 'together', but now there is no contact, apart from work.

Investigating Latex free is definitely a subject you have with a potential lover, not friend. Maybe a one off google search, for fun , to see if they exist, but not lots of searches.

If the email flirting that he fessed up to, which stopped before it progressed, followed by being friends at work, then going totally non contact once I found out, is the full extent of things, then we maybe have something to work with, that is all I mean. As for what he is doing now that I know, well as far as I can tell nothing, but who knows.

Yep the latex discussion was after they had supposedly stopped their flirting but before I found out, so they were work friends but apparently not more. Non contact since I found out...

Non contact or gone underground ?

So they stopped the EA but then talked about condoms? Sorry but it is not stopping and in fact looks like they are moving up to the next level.

Well they have defo stopped all communications via home email and Facebook etc, and no texts... Cannot see work emails so cannot tell for certain. But he is pretty convincing about it

This is the trouble when they drip feed you stuff and keep changing what actually happened, you are always left wondering 'is there any more to come out' - 'which answer is the correct one if any'.

I know it's hard to say as you have just had a baby, but is it your gut feeling that there was a lot more to this? Normally I would say follow your instincts.

Does he know that sexual contact is a deal breaker for you?

My gut instinct is that he is telling me the truth, but a few things like the condom searches just make me think I may be being a total idiot... I think he knows that finding out that he hasn't told me the whole story would pretty much end us, tbh if he fessed everything up at once even if it was more than an EA we might stand a chance, but if he was found out but still lied then we are over as there is no trust left.

And yes having been very pregnant when I found out and still just post having a baby, I am not sure how switched on my instincts are to anything non baby tbh...

If he is possibly speaking to her on his mobile in the car, you can hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) under his seat. You can buy them on Amazon.

Maybe just take your time if you can. When you feel able to effectively deal with any possible new revelations sit him down and explain to him how you are feeling, that this condom issue is still not making sense to you and offer him the opportunity to add anything if there is any more - plus tell him that if ANYTHING comes out at a later date then as far as you are concerned your relationship will be over.

I get just where you are coming from, you have chosen to give him the benefit of the doubt (not easy) but are concerned something will come back and bite you.

I know this is a bit 'out there' OP but there is a lot riding on this. Why don't you speak to her DH and ask him if he has recently started using latex free condoms as a result of your DH helpfully doing some research in the background. His automatic reaction will likely be, 'Umm....wha?....who did you say you are again please?' Then a conversation can ensue that will give you a yes or no answer surely. If when the shit hits the fan, you can say that it was important for you to know the truth as you were considering leaving him.