Emotional affair - further revelations

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my OHs emotional affair with a work colleague, happened shortly after we got engaged, in the early stages of a much wanted third pregnancy, and apparently was due to the huge amount of work stress he was under... He stopped it before anything happened, but didn't tell me and was apparently happy that he and the OW had it all nicely sorted. They carried on being friends at work. Since I found out they have stopped all contact though do still work for the same company. However more things have emerged since... Firstly I cannot get a straight answer about how it ended, the way he tells it they went for a coffee (and I can't get him to say who arranged the meeting) and then spontaneously mutually decided it was getting out of hand and to just stop it all now... This doesn't ring true. Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc. he doesn't do this for any other work friends. And during this time he never mentioned her to me, I hear lots about most of his work mates. He also had some odd conversations with her about sex and some problems she was having with her OH, which she apparently had never bothered her GP about but that he decided could be related to a latex allergy, hence a LOT of Internet searches about latex free condoms... I cannot work out why she either didn't talk to her OH or GP about her problems, or couldn't Google this for herself... It all smacks of something new going on I think? I hope not, but want to know what you lovely lot reckon. We are still together but that is largely as I found out shortly before having number three child, and don't want to make any huge decisions while I am a hormonal soup...

Sorry this is so long...

I guess that's true.

I also realised that my terminology was inappropriate re 'winning it' you win when you are happy not if he decides to stay

If this has been going on continuously since last summer it is quite likely that they like to keep in touch at times when they are not at work, such as weekends/Christmas etc. This leads me to think he would have a second phone possible hidden in the spare wheel compartment or first aid box (under the passenger seat in my car, plenty of room for a phone).

Is there a car that he uses more regulary?

Is there somewhere he always has to pop at weekends?

There is a car that is more his, and he gets to pop out a fair bit, sometime in to work for an hour or two, or at least on dog walks so I guess could phone then. Cannot actually keep him under 24/7 surveillance though... May have a bit of a look in his car however.

Tbh if they work in the same place, if they are still involved they are probably using work email or meeting at work and you'll never get evidence on that.
It sounds from what you've said like your h is trying to make amends (though has gone no where near far enough). You may never feel comfortable with it all if he is still working near her tbh.Think you are going to have to talk to him more and gauge his reactions.do you have anyone who could take the other two dc for you so you can do this uninterrupted (if the baby cooperates).
Just writing that about the baby has made me so angry on your behalf-this should be such a lovely time and it's being spoiled by their horrible behaviour.

Yep we need another proper conversation, but if we stay together I am to a degree going to have to trust him. That will not be easy... He defo cannot move jobs for the next couple of years though after that maybe? And am never going to have proof one way or the other re the condoms so again will just have to try and read his reactions. This sucks...

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet just read your post and wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what you're going through & you are doing amazingly well in the circumstances.

I too discovered my husbands emotional affair with a work colleague when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Baby is now 4 months old, we are still together but I am finding it incredibly difficult and have days were I just want to punish him, hate him for what he has done to our family & just want him to leave. Hope you don't mind me jumping in on your post but my story is as follows.

Following a bereavement my husband became withdrawn and began to act very out of character. I initially put this down to grief but he then went to his mothers and told me he didn't know what he wanted anymore & needed space. I checked his phone bill as I was suspicious by this point and discovered countless texts and phone calls to a number I didn't recognise. Cut a long story short, both my husband and the other woman (I did speak to her) denied having a physical affair and said they had been friends offering support to each other as they had both been recently bereaved. She said she understood why I was upset and would back off. He had never mentioned her to me so it wasn't a friendship I was aware of.

Me & H decided to try to work through things, he was remorseful and swore that nothing physical had happened but he had felt flattered that she took an interest in him. Fast forward another 4 months and she calls my H at home asking if he is alone. he swore he didn't know why she was ringing him, that they no longer spoke at work. I checked his phone bills again and discovered that the calls & messages had continued for another month after I first found out but there had been nothing for 3 months.

Not a day goes by where I don't question him about it. Like you, I'm not sure what my instincts tell me & feel like they are clouded by hormones. He maintains that it was never physical but he now recognises a line was crossed. He is doing all he can to make amends, including leaving the company but I still don't think I can forgive him for stealing my pregnancy and first precious moments with our baby. I feel anxious all the time and have no trust in him at all 😟. Hope you don't mind me jumping on your thread, this is my first post here and not too sure how it works x

Zigg, I am sorry but you need to be prepared for the fact that they have found another way to stay in contact. I doubt very much your H would use the same sim card/ phone to communicate after getting busted in that way before.

He lied to you before that it had ended. It's very likely he is still lying.

I seemed to have met a few pathetic deceivers along the way, and have found when caught it's just pushed their lying further under rocks.

I have found a mobile phone hidden under a kind of concealed compartment under a hand brake in an Audi.

I've found a SIM card in a void between an ashtray in a Toyota

Even made a discovery in a spare wheel well in a BMW

I think over the last 15 years I have just met a few unfortunate liars.

One thing in common with all of them as above.

Cars seem to be the biggy hiding spots.

Apologies if this post is unsupportive on an emotional plane, I think it's a more Miss Marple approach in a practical sense.

Hope to ok Op and you certainly have enough on your plate Atm.

I'm so sorry OP.

I kept a lid on my suspicions and a very close eye on XHs phone. More than once I watched my marriage unravel as I found out about different women.

I think there's another phone. And I'd be mighty suspicious about him popping into work for an hour or two at the weekend.

I was with XH for 15 years, with very young DCs all very close together. I can't even remember all the times I caught him out. But I did end the relationship. I did bide my time. And when I was strong enough I left. Only then did I realise How much I had suffered during that time.

You are suspicious. You will ALWAYS have an eye on him. There will always be something gnawing away until you find out the truth. But you have time. Focus on your baby, that is what is important right now and should take your love and energy. As for your husband, these things have a habit if unravelling for themselves. Keep an eye on him.

Well there is no phone in the car, managed to find a reason to have the car he usually has yesterday, with no warning, and had a very thorough rummage... May check the shed today, such fun. But yes I am focussing on the baby and my other two children for now, watchfully waiting and will see what pans out. May confront at some point but once feeling less wobbly and rather more resolute. I don't know what would have to happen to make me feel safe in this relationship now tbh and the constant suspicion is exhausting.

Hi Flossie sorry things are so crap right now. You sound like you're doing your best to get on with things. Try and take strength from 'biding your time', you're doing the best you can in the circumstances.

Am I really the only one sat here thinking if she can email him, she can do internet research herself? The things that people say honestly. Do yourself and your kids a massive favour and just move on. Don't waste anymore of your precious time, he I never going to let you in on their secrets and you are better off out of it. Congratulations on your new baby, far more relevant than him.

Of course she could. It is so bloody unlikely, all of it. I do know I am clutching at straws... But would still like to know for sure. I may well be leaving I do know that, but with three children and one still a tiny baby I just need to be sure.