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Original poster

Emotional affair - further revelations

113 replies

BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 14:35

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my OHs emotional affair with a work colleague, happened shortly after we got engaged, in the early stages of a much wanted third pregnancy, and apparently was due to the huge amount of work stress he was under... He stopped it before anything happened, but didn't tell me and was apparently happy that he and the OW had it all nicely sorted. They carried on being friends at work. Since I found out they have stopped all contact though do still work for the same company. However more things have emerged since... Firstly I cannot get a straight answer about how it ended, the way he tells it they went for a coffee (and I can't get him to say who arranged the meeting) and then spontaneously mutually decided it was getting out of hand and to just stop it all now... This doesn't ring true. Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc. he doesn't do this for any other work friends. And during this time he never mentioned her to me, I hear lots about most of his work mates. He also had some odd conversations with her about sex and some problems she was having with her OH, which she apparently had never bothered her GP about but that he decided could be related to a latex allergy, hence a LOT of Internet searches about latex free condoms... I cannot work out why she either didn't talk to her OH or GP about her problems, or couldn't Google this for herself... It all smacks of something new going on I think? I hope not, but want to know what you lovely lot reckon. We are still together but that is largely as I found out shortly before having number three child, and don't want to make any huge decisions while I am a hormonal soup...

Sorry this is so long...

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 14/02/2016 19:22

Flossie I think you have to steel yourself and acknowledge that he has in all likelihood had sex with this woman.

Can you get hold of his credit card bill or bank statement from the time he did this google search see if there's anything on there that you woukdnt expect, around the price of a box of latex condoms, or look on his amazon account, is it in his orders?!

Detective work aside it's a shame you can't talk to her dh.

I think you should bide your time. Try and enjoy having time with your baby. You will be emotional and a wreck anyway. A new baby would do that to you. And no wonder now you're wondering what your future wil look like. Just focus on your baby. Try and ignore him. Can he sleep in a separate room? Makes sense from a baby perspective.

You might feel like you need his support for now. I don't think there's anything wrong with biding your time. You don't have to have sex with him. You don't have to talk to him. When you're feeling stronger you can make a plan. for now the plan just has to be deal with newborn and you will work out how to get away from him later.

I wouldn't be sticking with this lying toe rag. I wouldnt be believing any more of his lies. The trust is gone. It's not like he's even given you the full story.

Get help here. Mumsnetters are a supportive bunch. Flowers

Doingmyheadin2016 · 14/02/2016 19:27

It sounds like she could have had the symptoms after they slept together which is why they were discussing it and he was researching it.

Carlywurly · 14/02/2016 19:29

You will be strong enough one day. I do understand if it's not right now. It took me about a year of accepting shitty behaviour while dc2 was tiny before I just snapped one day.

I've been a single parent since (with a lovely partner who lives nearby) have gone back to work and been promoted into a job I love, own a lovely home and the dcs are fine. Mn was a godsend for support for a good while Smile

Xh on the other hand is still with ow, now married, new baby and sounding miserable. I've moved on far enough I don't feel much of anything towards them. I promise you nothing at all since has ever been as hard as the constant head fuck of knowing I was being lied to by xh.

choceclair123 · 14/02/2016 19:32

...or he made the whole story up about the "symptoms" and was on the internet looking to buy latex free condoms to use with her. I'm sorry but this is really crap. If my DH said he was searching online for condoms for a female "friend" there is no way I'd believe him for a second. What on earth has it got to do with him whether her husband needs to use latex free condoms?!

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 19:56

I know there isn't really a good explanation. Just want there to be so this doesn't utterly ruin what is meant to be such a special time with the new baby. Keep crying when I m sat on the sofa feeding him, poor love.

OP posts:
bb888 · 14/02/2016 20:09

Its horrible that he has put this on you. What would work best for you at the moment? It seems like you aren't going to be able to put it out of your head - Is it helpful to have him around or do you feel like would it be better to ask him to leave for a few days to give you some space to think?

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 20:11

The problem is that is he leaves then the childcare and dog walking becomes tricky, had a section so long walks, carrying toddler, and driving are all not really happening yet... But some head space would be good. This is not how I expected the early days of mat leave to pan out.

OP posts:
bb888 · 14/02/2016 20:17

Is there even a spare room for him to sleep in? Sharing a bed with him must be horrible right now Sad

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 20:23

Too many children in too small a house! What was the spare room is now a nursery with a fesk in it, no bed... His parents are close ish but I don't think he will go there as unless we are definitively over he won't want them to know

OP posts:
choceclair123 · 14/02/2016 20:57

You're in an awful situation. Would it be better for you to just take some time to focus on and look after you and your baby? Sounds like you need help at home at the moment so unless you have any family who can come around, would you just move your husband into spare room for now. At least that way you'd still have some help for the time being until you're feeling stronger Thanks

Iamdobby63 · 14/02/2016 21:22

Does he know how you are feeling right now?

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 21:38

OP, have you even raised this woth him ?

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 23:21

We had a lot of conversations when I first found out. Including a bit about the gifts and the search history, he gave the explanations as above, gifts were just friendly, searches were because she came to talk to him about symproms. I did question this but not hugely as tbh had other things on my mind, the whole emotional affair thing utterly threw me, and to an extent I decided to wait till I had had the baby. Have now had a bit more time to process things and can see that the explanations are piss poor and make little sense, but to raise it will at present mean the same explanation repeated louder and being told repeatedly that we have already discussed this. I am not feeling clever or that I trust my intuition at the moment so not quite up to this yet. I will get there. No he doesn't know how I am feeling, if he did I just think he would get more careful with covering his trail of there is one. There isn't much family support. His parents are half an hour away but wouldn't cope with all three children. Mine are two hours away but my mum has recently been moved to a nursing home, my aunt diagnosed with the same progressive condition, and my Dad is exhausted after years of looking after mum. One hopeless brother who lives abroad. Most friends are mutual and / or work related. Feeling a bit stuck and pretty isolated.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 14/02/2016 23:56

I'm so sorry to hear all that, you have so much on your plate right now.

Is it worth you finding someone in RL, some sort of therapist to help get things straight in your head? Not suggesting you are the one who needs therapy but might help especially with your hormones all over the place.

For what it's worth you are doing amazingly well especially as you have just had a baby, I'm not sure I would have coped tbh.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2016 00:13

Oh love. That explanation is bollocks. She told him she has the allergy and he was prepping for shagging her. He's a complete and utter twat and you cannot trust him. Get him out of your house. Rally friends to walk the dogs, tell them why. He's broken this.

MatrixReloaded · 15/02/2016 01:11

People know when stories don't add up , and they know when they're being lied to. Sometimes people don't have the emotional reserves to deal with it at the time. So They wait until they're mentally stronger to deal with it.

Regardless of what bullshit he trys to feed you , you know he's crossed the line , and you know these conversations were incredibly inappropriate. You deserve much better than this. You really do.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 15/02/2016 08:32

I do know that the explanation doesn't make much sense or really add up, even trying to put a positive spin on things, if she came to him with symptoms then the search would be for symproms of an allergy surely not just where to buy bloody condoms. Still wish I knew for sure but don't think he would ever admit it. Cannot deal with all this right now, but will at least start to mull over my exit strategy. Still just want to be told the whole story...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2016 08:56

That is not going to happen I am afraid. Any decisions you make are never going to be based on the "facts", they need to be made with reference to how this relationship makes you feel

And you feel like shit. There is your answer.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 15/02/2016 09:00

I do know that, not saying I expect to know the whole story at all, just that I would like to.

OP posts:
magoria · 15/02/2016 09:00

So sorry you are going through this.

If she has an OH she is moaning to your H about then she either doesn't use condoms or already knows about her latex allergies and they know which condoms to use.

There is no reason for your H to be researching this for them.

She can only have symptoms in my opinion if she shagged a different guy and didn't think to tell him.

Or your H was getting condoms in preparation to use with her.

His story is bollocks.

Borisrules · 15/02/2016 09:04

Confront him - tell him that you now know everything. When he denies, just keep repeating that you know everything and repeat for as long as you need to to get the truth.

jellycat1 · 15/02/2016 09:16

You poor thing OP. Have to say that the condom thing would be enough for me. I'd be ratcheting up to a separation or trail separation conversation on the back of that. Really hope it is all innocent tho for your and your kids sake x

blindsider · 15/02/2016 09:24

If your husband is repentant, he should be TOTALLY NC and reassuring the fuck out of you. The fact that he isn't speaks volumes. IMO

This is tip of the Iceberg stuff.

Slippydippylippy · 15/02/2016 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 15/02/2016 18:13

I know, I got a bit hung up on her having done this given her background. Not blaming her, this is all on my OH, but do think she of all people shouldn't end up 'accidentally' having an affair without noticing. Ho hum. I hope his story isn't bollocks but equally even I struggle to believe it no matter how much I want to. Will confront at some point when I have had some sleep, we are relatively child free, and I feel a bit stronger. He will say the same thing though....

Is there any merit at all in contacting her to ask for her version of events to give me a comparison? Or demand to know when she discovered her latex allergy? As I don't think she only found out recently...

OP posts: