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Original poster

Emotional affair - further revelations

113 replies

BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 14:35

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my OHs emotional affair with a work colleague, happened shortly after we got engaged, in the early stages of a much wanted third pregnancy, and apparently was due to the huge amount of work stress he was under... He stopped it before anything happened, but didn't tell me and was apparently happy that he and the OW had it all nicely sorted. They carried on being friends at work. Since I found out they have stopped all contact though do still work for the same company. However more things have emerged since... Firstly I cannot get a straight answer about how it ended, the way he tells it they went for a coffee (and I can't get him to say who arranged the meeting) and then spontaneously mutually decided it was getting out of hand and to just stop it all now... This doesn't ring true. Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc. he doesn't do this for any other work friends. And during this time he never mentioned her to me, I hear lots about most of his work mates. He also had some odd conversations with her about sex and some problems she was having with her OH, which she apparently had never bothered her GP about but that he decided could be related to a latex allergy, hence a LOT of Internet searches about latex free condoms... I cannot work out why she either didn't talk to her OH or GP about her problems, or couldn't Google this for herself... It all smacks of something new going on I think? I hope not, but want to know what you lovely lot reckon. We are still together but that is largely as I found out shortly before having number three child, and don't want to make any huge decisions while I am a hormonal soup...

Sorry this is so long...

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 14/02/2016 16:33

I would contact his HR department and say you've reason to believe they are using work email for personal stuff and are having a very close relationship/affair. I would ask that you remain anonymous and that you appreciate they may be unable to confirm the outcome but you wanted to give them the heads up.

That way they hopefully won't be able to continue any email affair.

Doingmyheadin2016 · 14/02/2016 16:38

So he's trying to sort out the gynaecological problems of a work colleague on behalf of her husband. Aah he's thoughtful isn't he? She couldn't see her doctor about it but could confide in your husband. I have heard it all.

Allalonenow · 14/02/2016 16:48

What man carries out research on condoms for another man whom he does not know? Hmm

Would he get pleasure from knowing that a woman he lusted after was having comfortable sex with her husband because of his help? Hmm

He has probably got another phone carefully hidden, which he contacts her with.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 16:48

Sadly I don't know who her husband/partner is or how to contact them. A VAR is possible but as they work together I don't know if that would be how they had contact mostly? Could talk to their HR but only worry would be if they have stopped but I totally drop them in it and one, he knows I talked to HR and two, it buggers up work... It is the condoms searches that I cannot make make sense at all, sounds so unlikely...

OP posts:
Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 16:49

So where do I look for the other phone?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/02/2016 16:50

Sounds pushed under stones to me

Sorry Op

Finola1step · 14/02/2016 16:56

If you really want to go looking for a secret phone then start with the obvious places...do you have a garage or shed that you rarely go in? Or a cupboard full of his crap? His gym bag? Don't just be on the look out for a phone... Look for an extra charger hidden away. And sorry to say this, if you really want to go looking, you may need to prepare yourself for finding a stash of latex free condoms.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 17:08

Will admit I have had the odd snoop, work bag and pockets of usual coats all clear, doesn't have a gym bag. The shed is a possibility... We both share both cars depending on who is doing what with which children so that seems unlikely, but will look I think... Prob in his work desk which I will never get to check out... Am at the point where I just want to know regardless of wether it is good news or not. But would like some definite a not all this doubt.

OP posts:
Carlywurly · 14/02/2016 17:12

Don't go to hr. Really. I almost did this when I found out about my Xh and someone he worked with but I'm still very very grateful my friend talked me out of it. It's not in your interest to get him in trouble at work, tempting though I know it is. At best they will think you're unhinged. At worst you could jeopardise future maintenance levels for your dcs if he faces disciplinary. It doesn't help anything and it's hugely embarrassing and personal whether you're right or wrong. I cringe at the thought of nearly doing it now.

I once picked up a call on the main office line from my then md's wife at work, screaming at me that she "knew" and I was to tell her where he was. He was a lovely bloke but a proper philanderer and that was one of the most awkward positions I've ever been put in. It was nothing to do with me at all.

I ignored a stray wrapped condom turning up in the washing machine once. It seemed baffling and inexplicable at the time. Xh explained it away breezily somehow. With hindsight, I could have saved myself years of angst and detective work if I'd wised up and confronted the evidence back then. I'd be seeing the latex thing as a whole row of red flags. I'm sorry Sad

achillesratty · 14/02/2016 17:46

My daughter has a latex allergy and she always keeps a few non latex condoms in stock (as such) but because they are not the "norm" it's not always possible to simply go into a shop and buy some so she always tells any would be partners to use Google to find them ! That's what your OH was doing because he needed them so he could have sex with her, men don't buy or research other men's condoms.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 18:03

I know it is a huge red flag, but would still like to actually know one way or the other. It is a lot to walk away from on a suspicion. If it really stepped back to a friendship albeit a misjudged one, then my response will be totally different than if it went further...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 18:11

a lot to walk away from ?

You have no trust in him. That to me, means you have nothing to save.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 18:13

Three children one just a baby, dogs and house and childcare and jobs all pretty complicated, and other than this we have a very nice life. That feels like a lot to me. If this was just the flirting and then he stopped when he realised a line had been crossed I would certainly be pursuing counselling or similar before I gave up entirely

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 18:15

If this was just the flirting and then he stopped when he realised a line had been crossed

How will you ascertain this, based on the fact he is a proven liar ?

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 18:18

No idea. Tbh I am just emerging from a post birth fug and am just starting to process all of this. I am not feeling very rational so partly don't want to make any massive decisions while I am frankly exhausted and over emotional and hormonal and a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 14/02/2016 18:27

If the woman knows she has a latex allergy why the hell would she even be discussing her bits with a colleague Confused

When I was younger, latex free were much harder to get hold of so I always had a stash that I bought off internet. Now you can get them from boots/tesco blah blah. No reason I can possibly think of to ask anyone you are not actually having sex with to buy/research them.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 18:29

Apparently she had some symptoms and didn't know why, he was the one who suggested latex allergy as a possible cause. Though wtf they were doing talking about that I don't know. Not something I would take to a work friend. And having decided that was a possibility he then looked at latex free condoms on quite a few sites... Think I just need to ask him and see where I get to, trouble is I don't trust my instincts and ability to read him at the moment.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 14/02/2016 18:38

He has had an intimate conversation with her about sex. she trusts him enough to talk about this sort of thing with him so ask yourself, who would you have such an intimate conversation with? best friend, sister, lover?

he is googling latex free condoms so he can find out where to buy them. No man would ever look this up otherwise - not for a male or a female friend. they would just say "hey why dont you google it" he isn't googling them to tell her where to buy them because if she has a latex allergy then she would already know that.

you know this is a massive red flag in your heart of hearts but not surprisingly cant face dealing with it all at the moment.

so choice 1 is you leave it until you can or choice 2 is you ask him to leave for a short while whilst you sort out in your own head what you want to do.

I know it will be grindingly tough but he is the one that has brought about this situation - breaking up your family - not you.

If you do decide to hang in there then please don't spend all of your time looking for evidence. it will just drive you crackers.

ijustwannadance · 14/02/2016 18:54

Unless she was on the pill til current partner, or a virgin til then, she would know if she had an allergy to certain types of condoms feels like your insides are on bloody fire! Any odd symptoms and you would go see a doc.

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 18:54

I think at the moment I am basically conflicted and going crackers and really really want this all to go away. However I am not sure I can park it until I am in a place to deal with it, largely because I am not sure I ever will be.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 14/02/2016 18:56

There is no way in hell I would be discussing symptoms that make him think I had a late X allergy with a man unless I was sleeping or intending to sleep with him. It's something I'd discuss with a very very very good friend and that's it.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 19:01

I am sorry, love. He is a shot to put you in this position. Don't you dare blame yourself for feeling so low, "hormonal and in a mess"

He did this. He ruined what should be a happy and special time with your baby. I would never forgive him for that.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 19:01

*shit

bb888 · 14/02/2016 19:03

Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc

I think thats not an EA that has stopped. And the condoms - who would do that, especially if it was someone that he had had an EA with and they had mutually decided to end it - surely in that case sex would be a topic to avoid?

Original poster
BossyOfficerFlossie · 14/02/2016 19:20

At that point I don't thin he thought of it as an eA, just banter that got out of hand, so wasn't very wary about anything hence the jokes and gifts being things he thought were fine. Not to lay the blame with the ow but she is a psychologist who also does some relationship counselling so I do feel she knew what she was doing a md how far over a line she was. Doesn't help me now though.

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