Emotional affair - further revelations

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

Hi all, I posted a while ago about my OHs emotional affair with a work colleague, happened shortly after we got engaged, in the early stages of a much wanted third pregnancy, and apparently was due to the huge amount of work stress he was under... He stopped it before anything happened, but didn't tell me and was apparently happy that he and the OW had it all nicely sorted. They carried on being friends at work. Since I found out they have stopped all contact though do still work for the same company. However more things have emerged since... Firstly I cannot get a straight answer about how it ended, the way he tells it they went for a coffee (and I can't get him to say who arranged the meeting) and then spontaneously mutually decided it was getting out of hand and to just stop it all now... This doesn't ring true. Since the EA stopped but before I found out they still seem to have been close friends with running jokes, sending books etc as little presents that referenced the in jokes etc. he doesn't do this for any other work friends. And during this time he never mentioned her to me, I hear lots about most of his work mates. He also had some odd conversations with her about sex and some problems she was having with her OH, which she apparently had never bothered her GP about but that he decided could be related to a latex allergy, hence a LOT of Internet searches about latex free condoms... I cannot work out why she either didn't talk to her OH or GP about her problems, or couldn't Google this for herself... It all smacks of something new going on I think? I hope not, but want to know what you lovely lot reckon. We are still together but that is largely as I found out shortly before having number three child, and don't want to make any huge decisions while I am a hormonal soup...

Sorry this is so long...

Do you expect her to tell you the truth if you did ask?

I wouldn't bother to be honest, though I can understand the temptation. At best she is someone who thinks it's fine to have an inappropriate emotional relationship with someone else's partner and then seek that person's advice on her sex life with her own partner. At worst she's someone who cheats on her own partner with someone else's partner.

Either way you are unlikely to get any kind of honest response or feel any better for contacting her.

No idea...

Would hope she might but realise it's not something I could rely on. Again maybe hope her background would give her an insight into why I want to know? I know it is probably a very bad idea...

I don't think she could possibly tell you anything that would make you feel better, but she might confirm that it was 'worse' than you have thought so far. But if she did, could you believe it given that she might have her own motivations there.

Sorry op.what a terrible time to have to be thinking about this.
Is it in any way possible that part of the EA was that he would try and solve her problems for her and this is just a (highly innapropriate and therefore possibly a turn on for them) extension of that? I know that might be clutching at straws but when my now exh was engaged in his EA with a work colleague he became her chief sounding board and problem solver.In fact that was what first made me suspect-she called him at 5am one morning upset about something that had happened on a night out the evening before and he answered the phone, then went downstairs and spoke to her for 40 mins. (I was lucky to get a grunt out of him at any time before 8am as a rule). He would have done anything to 'be there for his friend' to the extent that he said he couldn't accept that it wasnt apropriate.(later more stuff came out and although he says nothing physical ever happened the EA in itself was enough of a betrayal for me, with two under 2 at the time, for it to eat away at our marriage and eventually amongst other stuff to break us up)
I guess I just want to float the idea that it's possible still that nothing physical happened but also I guess to ask wether the EA alone is a deal breaker for you?

I don't think encouraging OP to clutch at straws is a good idea.

Don't drive yourself mad trying to work out ways to believe his lies. The simplest solution is the most likely one. He either slept with her or planned to. If he didn't actually sleep with her then he's proven that he could easily do this again in the future with her or someone else. You will drive yourself nuts thinking about that, and feel a fool to boot if you find out. You're not a fool, he is.

It might be different if he started telling the truth, was genuinely repentant and cut her out of his life. For now he's got his cake and is eating it too. I can't imagine what kind of callous person does this to a pregnant and now nursing wife. And to his kids. Showing no respect for his family or thinking about them instead of his physical needs. What a bastard.

No spare room? How about a camp bed or the sofa? Can you put two dc in one room? He needs to see that things have changed. It might help him cop on that he could easily lose you.

I really wouldn't contact her. She has no reason to tell you the truth and plenty of reasons to lie.

What I would do is contact her husband. You should be able to find him easily on social media. I would arrange to meet up with him and I'd tell him everything.

I wasn't encouraging her to.I was pointing out that it is possible that nothing physical happened which might make a difference to her, that's all.I don't think it's nailed on that her h had sex with the ow-it might be likely, but it's not definite in my opinion-but I realise I might be in the minority there!
I'm not condoning any of his behaviour at all, and for me in my own situation even the EA was unforgivable ultimately-which may or may not prove to be the case for OP.

Nearly all affairs have the unpleasant dynamic of The White Knight and The Dumsell In Distress. Usually it's the man who plays White Knight but sometimes the woman takes this role. In my experience this dynamic with all its over the top supporting and confiding , is the biggest sign that an affair is happening.

I read it as they are still working for the same company and the OP's husband has said that they don't use work email to communicate. Whether thats the same as NC or not?

That's what I thought too slippy. Hence I wasn't sure there had been a physical relationship, rather it might just have been talked about (betrayal in itself but a big difference to some people).

From what I know, they had the EA which they stopped in about the June, the still being friends continued until I found out, and the symptoms/latex allergy thing happened during this period. It could have been him doing a rescue act, this would fit with him, though I still reckon it would be the symptoms you would Google not where to buy the condoms... They still work for the same company, same campus, same building, different floors. No shared projects. Very occasionally pass on the stairs, and he does tell me when that happens. Last time I visited him at work just before I had the baby I had the lovely tray of walking out of a lift downstairs and her almost walking into me... She has no idea who I am luckily. I managed not to say/ shout anything, confront, or any of the other very unwise things I really wanted to do... But the condoms chat was after the EA had allegedly stopped....

Ah ok-well then it would seem that the EA hadn't stopped then, that much we can safely say.
You did well not to say something when you saw her.i can imagine that must have been horrendous.sorry you are going through this op.
Does he know you know about the condom googling?

He does but it came out fairly early on when I was an utter mess, and he span the story about talking to him as a friend and worrying symptoms and googling to help her and reassure her as a friend, I didn't take it apart that much at the time as was reeling. It now seems more full of holes than ever... Will have the conversation again when I know I will pursue it properly.

On another note, I have now managed to work out who her husband is... Oh the dangers of Google... I know any contact with her or him is utterly pointless but I am amusing myself composing imaginary bombshells to send him.... Not sure this is productive but it is less bloody depressing than most of what is going on in my head...

Yep You will have to talk to him again.Trouble is I can't see him deviating from the explanation he already gave which you already don't trust :( I wish I had some better advice for you I suppose the choice for you is wether you can live with the never really knowing or not.
They recommend writing imaginary letters to those that have wronged you in therapy as a way of processing so if it's helping even a tiny bit, why not really...

Just have to make sure I don't send them... Luckily breast feeding so no drunk in charge of a phone moments...!

[smile it's a wonder the health visitor doesn't add that to the list of benefits of breast over formula....

Has it actually ended or has it just gone underground?

I hope ended. He has made big moves to show me it is over. But... They work in the same company, work email is high security and I can't see it, they have IM at work too, and he is quite tech savvy and there are a million apps they could use... He always lets me know where he is, I can see his work diary, he texts frequently through the day. But they could still be messaging and grabbing coffee and lunch breaks and I would never know. That is what I struggle with. Also why messaging her husband is tempting as more likely it is really over if her behaviour is also more transparent than when all this kicked off?

I am not un tech savvy... They are not on his phone messenger, home email, Facebook snapchat or what's app... But other than managing to put some software on his work computer I can never be 100% can I?

You are never going to win this one unless your husband actually decides that he wants to change, but you clearly haven't been able to get any faith that that is the case. One effect of messaging the husband could be that the female colleague ends up single, which could potentially be more destabilising for your own situation?

And yes Conkers, if I was FF I would defo be hitting the gin and sending very ill advised messages. A lot!

But if she ends up single and my OH decides that makes a difference then at least I have my answer?