3 months away from wedding and I want to cancel it. WTF do I do

[JeannieSimmons]

Ive recently had two dreams in which my partner and I had broken up. Both times I've woken up disappointed to realize that they were just dreams.

I'm in turmoil. We have a wedding booked to take place in 3 months and I know I don't want to do it but I feel like I'm being railroaded into it bby everyone around me who is "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day". DP constantly moans and whines about every little thing. He constantly criticizes, gives me the silent treatment over stupid things, argues and controls things. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the negativity. I'm tired of him engineering arguments (usually spoiling something I've been really looking forward to).

I don't know what to do. I feel it's too late to stop the wedding. I even thought to myself I could just go ahead with it and then divorce him in a couple of years - then I realise how ridiculous that is.

The other night I was sat on the sofa messaging my son (who was upstairs) as he was showing me some clothes he wanted over facebook. DP had a right face on about it and then started saying "oh, this is the kind of relationship you want is it? one where we just sit texting other people whilst watching TV together? ok ... ". I explained the situation and even though he knew it was DS he still moaned and whined and complained and then even made me show him the messages to make sure I hadn't agreed to buy him loads of expensive clothes. I can't go on like this but I don't feel like I have the balls to cancel the wedding. Anyone else cancelled at such short notice??

[NameChange30]

She does need to tell her DS at some point but NOT because "he may be the support she needs" She needs to get support from adults - a friend, family member, counsellor. Her DS may be pleased she has decided to end the relationship but it would be unfair on him to expect him to support her. I really think she needs to tell another adult. (And even if her DS is 18 or over my point still stands.)

[shoeaddict83]

OP im on the other side of this - 9 years ago my ex-fiancee cancelled our wedding 3 months before after telling me he wasnt ready for marriage. I was devastated.
Turns out he'd been shagging some girl for 2 years and went off and married her 5 months later instead! To this day despite the devastation and embarrassment at the time it was the best thing that could have happened to me. yes i and my parents lost deposits and had to sell my wedding dress etc, but better that than marry someone id have then had to go through a divorce with. Its your life so ignore all the extras - the people who have bought outfits or want a free day out at your expense! Be strong OP, follow your gut and i promise you'll be happier for it

[AdoraBell]

He demanded to see the message to make sure you didn't spend loads of money on your son?

If he is that controlling now imagine what it will be like once you are married.

It is definitely not too late to cancel. As others have said, confide in 1 person. Do you have a good friend who will be supportive?

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

I did! Told my fiancé that I didn't want to marry him 2 months and 4 days before the scheduled wedding. I had been thinking it for about 2 months prior. Woke up that morning and just thought "oh my God I don't love him. What am I doing?" And told him.

It was brutal and pretty terrible at the time... And I felt really guilty. For about six months. But now, seven years later I just look back with a huge sense of relief. Thank God I didn't marry a man I didn't love out of embarrassment.

[tillyho]

better cancel now than later both from an emotional point of view and a financial point of view. Marriage doesn't change anything and so wont make you feel better, only more trapped and its more complicated to extract from.

If it is easier to handle say you want to delay for 6 months whilst you see if you can address your issues. For me I would rather a clean break so I could start rebuilding my life asap.

[Flutterbutterfly]

Don't cancel it, the next time you have a big row just say you want to postpone the wedding.

It will buy you some time and lessen the shock for others.

Then make plans to leave/evict him.

It will all be fine in the end, but you need to trust your instincts.

[wotoodoo]

TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

OP, I've just posted on your other thread.

If you were my sister, or my friend, I would be very excited about your wedding day, and probably bubbling on about outfits and so on.

I would also be horrified if you were feeling like this, and went ahead with the wedding.

Good luck.

[specialsubject]

you don't like this man and he doesn't appear to like you. Stop wasting each others time. You deserve better than this. Life is not a rehearsal.

Princess Di was told she couldn't stop her wedding because the tea-towels had been printed with her face. The big frilly frock never fixes anything. People with so little in their lives that SOMEONE ELSE'S wedding is such a big thing are not your problem.

good luck.

[wotoodoo]

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN

HE WILL GET MORE CONTROLLING ONCE MARRIED HE WILL GET MORE CONTROLLING ONCE MARRIED HE WILL GET MORE CONTROLLING ONCE MARRIED HE WILL GET MORE CONTROLLING ONCE MARRIED HE WILL GET MORE CONTROLLING ONCE MARRIED

PUT YOUR SON FIRST PUT YOUR SON FIRST PUT YOUR SON FIRST PUT YOUR SON FIRST PUT YOUR SON FIRST

[NameChange30]

"Don't cancel it, the next time you have a big row just say you want to postpone the wedding.
It will buy you some time and lessen the shock for others."

Terrible advice. She needs to cancel it ASAP in order to get as much money back as possible and give people as much notice as possible. As for "lessening the shock", what nonsense! It's going to be a shock either way. I think it's a bigger shock the later you leave it, but who cares?! Managing other people's reactions is not really the OP's responsibility.

[PitPatKitKat]

My friend who gave me away told me this story a few months before the wedding:

"I showed some of the girls at work the photo you sent me of the shoes you're wearing (they all love them by the way), and I got talking to this one girl about giving you away, and she told me about her wedding.

All the way up to the wedding she was expecting someone to say to her 'Now are you sure you want to this because you don't have to do this if you don't want to' and she knew at that point she would say 'I don't want to' and it would all be fine.

But nobody ever said that to her...not her bridesmaids, not her parents...even walking up the path to the church with her dad she expected him to ask and no-one ever did. She did get married, but they split up within a year.

I think she shouldn't have waited she should have just talked to one of her friends about her doubts."

I took it as my friend's way of checking I was sure without having to blurt out "are you sure now?" which could be interpreted as the asker having doubts on behalf of the bride/sowing seeds of doubt/chucking their oar in. He gave me a way to have that conversation without having to ask.

But maybe all your friends/family just think that if anything is wrong you will say. None of them want to be the one who rocks the boat. So maybe they are waiting for you to say something?

And my SIL cancelled her first engagement with about two days to go. It was all fine. She is married now to someone else and they have 2 kids.

[roundandroundthehouses]

If my relative or friend cancelled her wedding, I wouldn't give a shit about the presents, the nice day out, or the fancy frock that I'd bought. I'd only be interested in her being happy and making the right decision. Anyone who doesn't feel like that shouldn't have been invited in the first place.

[wotoodoo]

TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT TRUST YOUR INSTINCT

[firesidechat]

Is this you again op?

Your partner has two sons, one about 18 with SN and one about 20 who he insists come for access visits every weekend?

[NameChange30]

Well said round.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

For goodness sake OP. You've got another thread running about what a wanker this bloke is, which was also in trending a short while ago. You've had other threads constantly complaining about this man and the treatment of your son. Yet, here you are again starting ANOTHER thread about the same thing! I don't wish to sound unsympathetic but surely the whole of MN have told you to get rid. So do it!!!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Your two threads are the two top trending. I don't get why you are posting loads of different threads about this man and how awful he is but doing nothing about it

[hellsbellsmelons]

Been there and got the t-shirt except I did it 6 months before the wedding.
I just realised I was doing it for everyone else and not for me.
Just so I wouldn't upset in-laws or parents etc....
I cancelled.
It was the best thing I ever did.
It was hard at first. My family weren't supportive (which is not like them at all) and it was lonely for a while.
But everyone came round in the end, realising a cancellation was better than a wedding and then a divorce.
It's so so hard and I really nearly did think about just going through with it.
But you will really regret it.
No-one who was invited really batted an eyelid when I cancelled.
Please get the strength up to do what is right for you and your DC.
You know what to do.
Deep breath and get it over and done with.
Rip of the plaster.

[deregistered]

I haven't read replies as I haven't time.

I know who you are.

I've read your many, many other threads.

Not one single poster has reassured you that your relationship is normal or that it will get better.

It won't - it will get worse.

Your son must be so desperately unhappy living with this bastard.

When you leave him the relief will be immense.

Who gives a FUCK about cancelling a wedding, it's nothing, a piss in the ocean, not even that, compared to tying this twat to you for life.

As I and others have said before in other threads YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SON FOREVER IF YOU REMAIN WITH THIS MAN.

[diddl]

OMG-CANCEL!

The man is abusive

[EweAreHere]

Call it off. Life is too short to waste your time (you'll be tied to him for at least the 2 years it takes to divorce I believe!) and money (cheaper to lose some deposits than splitting up property, etc) marrying someone you don't want to be married to.

Tell anyone who professes to be upset at your decision to call it off that they can marry him if they're so desperate to have a wedding.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP, please, DON'T marry this man. I had misgivings before marrying my 2nd husband, to this day I cannot fathom why I didn't just trust my own instinct and not get all caught up in the wedding, oh well we've been together 4 years its about time etc. He was a complete & utter bastard (small signs before marriage, HUGE signs afterwards) and it took me ages to divorce him as he was being so difficult, including running off abroad so I had to piss around trying to get divorce papers signed.

The amount of times I've replayed the wedding day over & over in my head and thought "if only Id said no on the day" then switches to "I should never have agreed"

If there are warning signs before marriage, even if its ONE, don't do it. Id be the 1st to advise that always thought I was pretty savvy on these kind of things and yet, it still happened to me.

I divorced him (with pleasure) not only because he was a mean, angry, miserable, tightfisted fucker, but because I watched my own DCs become miserable, and not wanting to be around when he was around because he could give a happy occasion funeral feel, and also as time went by became jealous of time I spent with DCs. Sometimes Id be with him and had to text to tell them something or check they got home safe, and he'd go mad. Out of sight out of mind I wasnt allowed to talk to or think about them. He had to go, simple as that and we're all so much happier... its 8 years ago now and its as if he was never here. Talk about a cloud leaving and sunshine entering we had the best family holiday ever after he'd been dumped.

I sat down and apologised to my DCs, because I should never have married such a dickhead in the 1st place and give him the chance to impact on their lives too

Don't do it. Put yourself and your DC 1st don't take the risk. You don't need this man and I can tell you life is far, far better without a horrid man in it

[ClarenceTheLion]

People will be talking to you in an excited and positive way about your wedding because it's expected. I've never really enjoyed going to someone's wedding, I can assure you!