3 months away from wedding and I want to cancel it. WTF do I do

[JeannieSimmons]

Ive recently had two dreams in which my partner and I had broken up. Both times I've woken up disappointed to realize that they were just dreams.

I'm in turmoil. We have a wedding booked to take place in 3 months and I know I don't want to do it but I feel like I'm being railroaded into it bby everyone around me who is "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day". DP constantly moans and whines about every little thing. He constantly criticizes, gives me the silent treatment over stupid things, argues and controls things. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the negativity. I'm tired of him engineering arguments (usually spoiling something I've been really looking forward to).

I don't know what to do. I feel it's too late to stop the wedding. I even thought to myself I could just go ahead with it and then divorce him in a couple of years - then I realise how ridiculous that is.

The other night I was sat on the sofa messaging my son (who was upstairs) as he was showing me some clothes he wanted over facebook. DP had a right face on about it and then started saying "oh, this is the kind of relationship you want is it? one where we just sit texting other people whilst watching TV together? ok ... ". I explained the situation and even though he knew it was DS he still moaned and whined and complained and then even made me show him the messages to make sure I hadn't agreed to buy him loads of expensive clothes. I can't go on like this but I don't feel like I have the balls to cancel the wedding. Anyone else cancelled at such short notice??

[NameChange30]

Just one article to show that you wouldn't be alone:
Why calling off my wedding was the best decision I ever made

[Lottapianos]

'Such abusive men do not change; infact he will likely further ramp up the power and control once he has a ring on your finger. He would use the marriage to further control you.'

Just a huge yes to this. Trust your gut OP. You absolutely do not have to go through with this.

People do get excited about weddings and if they think you are both really excited about it, they probably over-egg their own excitement even more. If I were a guest, and heard that the wedding had been cancelled, I wouldnt' give a fig - I would just want to know that you were ok.

[daisychain01]

Please read the other current thread about Did you regret getting married.

Lots of insights from people who went through with a wedding and how they felt.

Read it before you make a decision, but it's very insightful.

[HamaTime]

One of my friends married an absolute tool and I, and many others, did the whole "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day" thing before the wedding. People say all kind of crap to be nice. There were people crying in the toilets at the wedding but they were still 'happy' in front of the bride because they didn't want to lose her.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Cancel the wedding for goodness sake. Having read the other thread you have going at the moment, this is not a happy relationship. Ditch this control freak and get on with your new happy and free life.

[bakeoffcake]

Please cancel. 3 months is not short notice really.

We all tried to stop my sisiter getting married. He was a complete idiot and very controlling. My dad even asked her not to go ahead with it on the day of the wedding. She was crying as she walked down the aisle. Everyone else thought it was because she was so happy, our family knew the real reason.

She left him after about 12 months and it's her biggest regret that she did marry him.

[daisychain01]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2568647-Does-anyone-regret-getting-married

[ImperialBlether]

Talk it through here and make it real to yourself. You share a house - do you co-own? If you rent, whose name is on the lease?

Do you work? Does he? Do any of his children live with you?

[CheersMedea]

I feel it's too late to stop the wedding.

It's not too late obviously, but the later it gets the harder it will be if that's what you want to do.

Three months is a better than three weeks, three days or three hours.

A friend of mine was the "victim" of her fiancé cancelling. She's now happily married and has been for years. For what it's worth, everyone I've ever met who has been the instigator or the "victim" of a cancelled wedding (however traumatised they were at the time) has no regrets once the dust has settled and they all went on to much happier long term partnerships. I think it is more common than you think it is because a wedding gets a momentum and people are paralysed by fear.


I think you should talk to your fiancé about it and how you are feeling. Have a frank and honest conversation - see how he feels.

[Pseudo341]

Find a close friend or two who you can confide in and start planning your exit. Get your finances as separate as possible if they're not already. You don't have to tell him yet, just make the decision quietly on your own. Once you KNOW that you're not going through with it you'll find it easier to put things into action.

[Badders123]

My cousin cancelled his wedding with 6 weeks to go.
Best thing he ever did and both parties are much happier now.
It was hard, obv. Lots of tears etc but it was the right thing to do.
Good luck

[Badders123]

....and it's not too late until you say "I do"!!

[kardashianklone]

I have been exactly where you are. I'm not married. Until you give yourself the permission to end it, (and you're not at the moment because of guilt, a sense of duty, a feeling that you must make it right, and not throw the relationship away etc etc- which is all essentially a way of not valuing yourself highly enough), you will be stuck exactly where you are, inching towards the wedding date, and time will speed up and you will be trapped. I thought 'I've got until the moment I say 'I do'' to end it. I was willing to leave it until the very last possible moment as I dreaded breaking up with him. And then one day, I was speaking to a wonderful woman, who said something that just cemented it for me (funny how a conversation is THE ONE conversation that makes a difference. The verbal equivalent of a light bulb moment). She told me about a wedding she had been to, where the bride jilted the groom at the altar. The stuff of a thousand stories and films. But she told it from a guests perspective. How awful and embarrassing it was. How long everyone sat there, waiting, and getting more and more uncomfortable. How awkward the entire experience was, and how everyone just wished they could be anywhere else but in the church at that time. And I realised that, far from 'disappointing' everyone who had bought nice outfits for the wedding, and potentially got us wedding gifts, and done all the hen and stag parties- it would be so much worse to go through with it to please them, and then divorce later. Why do I care what people think about my relationship? I will be a moment's gossip and then it will be the next stupid thing some celebrity said, and the next piece of tittle tattle, and my actions will be lost in the hazy mists of 'oh yeah, remember when kardashianklone dumped some guy that was a twat and she didn't want to marry?'. And practically, once you tie yourself to the man, financially it will cost you far more than cancelling an event that hasn't happened yet. I worked out it cost me about a grand to split up with my ex (for various reasons- he being a massive dick is the main one), but that's still a damn sight cheaper than a divorce. If that's what it took to get him out of my life, I would gladly pay that again. This is one of those times where you don't want to be that person who thinks 'shit, I should have listened to my inner voice. The one that told me to run like the wind, and to not tie myself to the wrong man for the rest of my life'. If you don't have the courage to face this in your waking life, your subconscious is doing it for you. Please listen to it. Please give yourself the love to put yourself first, not him, not your parents, not your friends, not your guests, but you.

[MillionToOneChances]

Just cancel. Far better to end it now than desperately wish you had in a few months. I've seen your other thread today.

[MistressMerryWeather]

OP every post I read of yours gives me a panicky trapped feeling. I can't only imagine how you feel.

Please, please do not marry this life sucking excuse for a man. You will be miserable. Who are you afraid of disappointing?

You actually have an amazing chance here, most people don't find out their OHs true colours until after they get married. Things will only get worse.

[ofuckit]

Just do it. This is your life you're talking about - for everybody else it's just a new outfit and a day out - they'll soon get over it.

[FoxFeatures]

Cancel.

If you want to time travel forward a year, read the 100's of threads on the relationship board about bad marriages and the pain of divorce. That will be you if you don't cancel.

[NanaNina]

I've just said I hope you cancel the wedding and get rid of this bloke on the other thread you have. You can cancel the wedding - you said you were scared - what are you scared of?

My niece has a wedding booked for May but her DP has lost his job so she is just in the process of cancelling it. OK she'll lose some deposit but she doesn't want any more expense until he gets a job. You said on the other thread you are not short of money (joint income of 60K) so there shouldn't be too much of a problem money wise.
You've got lots of good advice here.

[Longdistance]

Call it off, as it's easier than getting divorced.

[Binders1]

Apologies, I've just re-read your op and it's clearly not wedding nerves, you state you want to cancel it and not go through with it. Loads of people have cancelled their weddings. Better sooner rather than later all round if you can and re: practicalities if any balances of monies due to be paid can be saved and as pp have said, looking at financial situation house etc. You can't get married to someone when you know you don't want to. Good luck Jeanie.

[ohmywhatamisaying]

Does your DS know how you feel about this relationship? If you haven't done so, take him out somewhere, treat him as an adult and sit him down and have a heart to heart. He may be the support you finally need to pick up your skirts and head for the hills away from this abusive arse.

[ILikeUranus]

I had this kind of feeling before I married my first husband. I felt I couldn't cancel the wedding so I made him promise to change and went ahead with it. Then spent 2 miserable lonely years crying that I was going to be divorced. Then when I got divorced it was a big relief. What a massive waste of that bit of my life! Please cancel, it really is ok.

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

Well having come out the other side of something similar I think cancelling is the lesser of two evils... Going ahead because of other people's expectations and outfit purchases to them come out the other side, realise what you are stuck in, and then have to extract yourself is hard. And people then keep making really helpful comments about how the wedding was SO lovely as though this means the marriage must have been too...

[shockthemonkey]

Oh dear. This is not last minute cold feet or on-the-day jitters. It really sounds like you should cancel, and as pp has said, three months is not short notice.

You may cringe to do it now but it would be a mistake to go ahead if this is how you feel and this is how he treats you now.

[LastFirstEverything]

OP, first- cancel it and split up with this unpleasant man.

Second- everyone around me who is "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day"

Let me assure you, no one will care that you've cancelled it as much as you do. It's not letting anyone down, really it isn't.

I've looked forward to peoples weddings before, but if I learned that they felt they had to go through with it in order to keep the guests happy- I'd be horrified.

Please cancel it. Get a new life for you and your DS.

Good luck and take care.