3 months away from wedding and I want to cancel it. WTF do I do

[JeannieSimmons]

Ive recently had two dreams in which my partner and I had broken up. Both times I've woken up disappointed to realize that they were just dreams.

I'm in turmoil. We have a wedding booked to take place in 3 months and I know I don't want to do it but I feel like I'm being railroaded into it bby everyone around me who is "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day". DP constantly moans and whines about every little thing. He constantly criticizes, gives me the silent treatment over stupid things, argues and controls things. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the negativity. I'm tired of him engineering arguments (usually spoiling something I've been really looking forward to).

I don't know what to do. I feel it's too late to stop the wedding. I even thought to myself I could just go ahead with it and then divorce him in a couple of years - then I realise how ridiculous that is.

The other night I was sat on the sofa messaging my son (who was upstairs) as he was showing me some clothes he wanted over facebook. DP had a right face on about it and then started saying "oh, this is the kind of relationship you want is it? one where we just sit texting other people whilst watching TV together? ok ... ". I explained the situation and even though he knew it was DS he still moaned and whined and complained and then even made me show him the messages to make sure I hadn't agreed to buy him loads of expensive clothes. I can't go on like this but I don't feel like I have the balls to cancel the wedding. Anyone else cancelled at such short notice??

[ilovewelshrarebit123]

Twenty years I was engaged and my fiancé cancelled our wedding three months before the day.

I was heartbroken but after a few months could see why he did it. We weren't right for each other, he was unhappy and I think he was brave to call it off.

Please don't get married unless your 100% sure.

[pinkcan]

Op learn from my mum who felt too embarrassed to cancel her wedding (years and years ago). She married him, she was miserable and they got divorced.

Just cancel it. It isn't as bad as it seems. My bil cancelled his wedding. Really, peoole who say they are looking forward to your big day/buying outfits and just being happy for you because they like you. They would not in a million years want you to go through with a wedding just so they could have a knees up/wear their special clothes!

[Lweji]

The sooner you break it off the better. People will be able to return clothes and cancel arrangements.

[deregistered]

The thing is you're not just having little doubts nagging at the back of your mind...

There are huge, big klaxons going off and alarm bells ringing.

Your conscious, unconscious, subconscious and every organ, hair and cell inside of you is screaming DON'T DO IT!

[MorrisZapp]

I'm so glad that Sarah spent twenty years with that bastard so I could get to wear a dress from Coast.

Said no wedding guest ever.

[toffeeboffin]

DON'T DO IT!!
DON'T DO IT!!
DON'T DO IT!!

[toffeeboffin]

It's one day vs

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

[zipzap]

Just out of interest - did he propose or did you? And if he proposed, did it happen at a time when you'd been thinking of leaving or where he'd been really horrible previously or something - so that the proposal was a sort of 'look, i do love you, let's get married' deal - a way to exert more control over you rather than let you carry on and maybe get away?

I've just read your other thread too.

What would happen if you started to mirror your dp's behaviour back to him? Who was the one that made him the one in charge - surely if you get married it's because you want a partner rather than a new boss!?

What would you do if you were talking to your ds in a few years time and he was due to get married but was getting cold feet because his partner was being a controlling arsehole? Would you say to suck it up and get married or would you say to run like the wind? I'm guessing you'd say the latter.

And have you spoken to your ds about the wedding? And do you know what he really thinks about you getting married or is he saying what he thinks that you want to hear?

Why do you think that you need to suffer years of misery and an expensive divorce just because other people are buying nice outfits and want a day out that you've invited them to? People are saying nice things about your wedding to you because that's what people do. It's polite conversation. It's fun. But I bet if you told them that you were cancelling the wedding, your closest friends (assuming you have any left and your dp hasn't scared them all away) would all say thank god and be really pleased that you weren't throwing your life away on this man.

Even if you're going to lose money on wedding deposits then that's still a lot cheaper than years of misery and a divorce! Cancel now and you won't lose as much - and for all your guests, if they've just bought their outfits then there's a good chance they'll be able to return them whereas they won't in a couple of months time as they'll have had them for too long. (not that this should be a factor in your decision obviously - but just to show you that as you're worrying about this now, if you do say something now then it won't be having a big impact on your friends).

Do you have any assets that would become shared assets if you marry your dp - like do you own the house that he wants to get his hands on and would set you back if you were to divorce a couple of years down the line (eg you're both living in your house now, if you got married then divorced he'd take a chunk of equity out of it making it very difficult for you to buy the same sort of house again).

It's just not worth it.

OP, try a day of treating your dh like he treats you. Turn everything around on to him, ask to see his facebook posts or text messages, ask if the way the relationship is going to be is that he thinks he is better than you (because it is obvious that that is what he thinks from what he has said) and that he is going to be the one that is in charge rather than it being an equal partnership. Whine, moan, give the silent treatment to him over every little thing and so on... oh and call him out on every single time that he doesn't want to let your ds do something but then complains about doing it for him.

See what happens and whether or not he likes it. bet he doesn't. Then use it as a point for discussion to see why he acts like that and why he thinks it is appropriate for him to do that when he doesn't think it's right that you do it (because he won't - he'll call you childish and stupid and pathetic and all sorts of other put downs because when he does it it's obviously different because he is in charge in his own mind, you're there to pander to his wishes, not to make trouble for him...)

And then hopefully you'll realise that your 'd'p isn't worth it. he's not worth years of living miserably when what he wants is a quiet life with somebody to pick on, control, and to look after him and wait on him, so he doesn't have to bother with stuff he doesn't like doing like housework and cooking - because he wants all his time to be free time and is happy for you to be working instead of sharing the load.

next time he has an argument with you or says something mean or controlling or goes silent or however he reacts to show his displeasure next, try asking him if this is his game then you don't think you should be getting married to somebody who is such a tosspot to you treats you so badly. And I bet his reaction would be something to behold. Even if you just tell him you think the wedding should be put on hold and postponed as a starting step because that's easier to deal with than going straight in to say you want to finish it.

Good luck. Be strong. and break free - you deserve happiness - you're not obliged to become his slave!

[NameChange30]

Morris

[Swifey]

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I have been where you are!! Wedding was in April and I suddenly had a massive realisation middle of January that I just didn't want to do it. I had a sort of epiphany and just knew I couldn't do it. So, I rand my mum and met her, it was a Monday, and I had the day off, and I just told her straight out that I didn't want to marry him. I was panicking to be honest, we were so far along with the plans, and she very calmly said 'ok, whatever you want, and for what it's worth I think you are making the right decision!'
So, I returned home, and when he came home I very quietly and calmly told him I was very sorry but I couldn't marry him, and that I was leaving. Then the shit really hit the fan and he went mad, but, I knew in my gut I was doing the right thing and I stuck it out. im not going to say it was easy because it absolutely wasn't, and I felt so awful, I lost a stone in weight and felt sick all the time for causing him such pain, but our relationship was built on me doing what he wanted, and he was a mental bully. Fast forward 12 years after me leaving and I have been happily married for nearly eight years to an incredible man who treats me with the utmost respect, and we have two ds. Life is utterly wonderful. So, the moral of the story is, that you have to listen to you gut, it is right! Lots of hugs, pm me if you want.

[tbtc20]

Go and read some threads on Relationships or Divorce/Separation. As depressing as some of them are, they are happening to real people (myself included).
From what you've said it's either going to be hard to break it off now, or it's going to be really hard to end it later. Once you're married it all gets much more complicated and long-winded.

[Lweji]

if he proposed, did it happen at a time when you'd been thinking of leaving or where he'd been really horrible previously or something
Zip,
Looking back, that's what happened with exH and I just got carried away.

RUN!

[PacificDogwod]

He is telling you who he is - listen to him.

Morris is very wise and funny with it

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

The sooner you cancel the better. Get it done now. It will be a weight off your shoulders.

A friend cancelled a month before her wedding and my cousin cancelled 5 days before hers. It is a shock to everyone for a few weeks but life soon moves on and it becomes old news. Far better that than years of misery and regret.

[ricketytickety]

I would hate to go to a wedding knowing the bride didn't want to marry. If you were my sister or friend I'd tell you not to marry him if you didn't want to. Even if I'd bought an expensive dress (which I would wear again anyway). Your guests won't want you to marry someone you don't want to marry.

People might want to talk you round as it's sort of natural for them to question it and think you've got cold feet etc. But once you explain what you need to, they'll support you. Unless they're twats, and then at least you know who you can trust to look out for you.

[blindsider]

You owe it to both of you not to go through with it. He deserves to have a wife that wants to be married to him, not someone who has just gone along with it as didn't want 'to cause a fuss'

[PitPatKitKat]

Very funny Morris

If you're quick OP, some of your guests will even manage to get their money back from Coast and buy something they actually want-

[AcrossthePond55]

I made that mistake. Please, please don't do it! Don't think 'Oh I'll go ahead and can get divorced later'. We didn't have children and I live in a US 'no fault' state and the divorce was still hell. My understanding is that divorce in the UK is 10x harder than here in the US. You do not want to put yourself through it. Much easier to just call it off when all you have to do is walk away. Much harder when the other person has a legal claim on you (and possibly your 'stuff'), especially if they decide to get ugly or vindictive.

I haven't read your other threads so I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. All I know is that, regardless of the relationship's dynamics, you should never marry if your mind and heart are telling you not to.

Please, don't do it.

[firesidechat]

The op won't be back to this thread now. She never does at this stage of a thread, but if you wait a week or two there will be a new thread to post on.

[tipsytrifle]

i don't know what to do

Yes, you do.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - have read your two threads. You clearly know this relationship isn't good, that it's run it's course and it's time to stop.

You clearly feel trapped, you are not happy with his controlling behaviour, you don't like living like this.

And you know what, if you are just going to keep starting threads about different aspects of your relationship that are rubbish to get reassurance from 100+ other woman saying "it's not you, I'd not put up with that/ leave/not marry him" to make you brave enough to do it, then fine. Fill up my active conversations with tales of his fuckwittery, get reassurance from everyone that each bit on it's own would be a red line, let alone the full picture you are living with.

But then once you've done that, act. You can be miserable for the rest of your life or you can be brave now and have the chance of happiness.

So to add to the chorus, it's ok to leave him. It's "bad enough" - if you want to cancel your wedding, you can do. At 3 months, most people won't have booked time off work they can't cancel, or if they've bought outfits, can return them. At 3 months lead time, most people won't have bought gifts or made plans, it's going to be a lot easier to cancel, and you've got a better chance of getting some of your money back. (Even if you can't get your money back, it'll be cheaper than a divorce)

[GruntledOne]

Your friends and relatives really won't mind if you decide to cancel. If they really have bought something for the big day (which I doubt, given that it will be a lot warmer in three months' time) they will be perfectly happy to wear it for something else. Getting married just in case your mates might be disappointed would be a ridiculous and disastrous thing to do.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

You need someone to tell you that you must cancel and shouldn't go ahead and marry this man, the man who you're miserable with.

Pick one of us. Any one of us. We're all supporting you and saying DO . NOT. MARRY. HIM.

If you're reading and not commenting for goodness sake take the advice on board.

[kittybiscuits]

You and doing the right thing for yourself is way more important than what the guests will think if you cancel. Don't marry someone you don't want to be with.

[RosaDiaz]

I married someone I knew wasn't right for me, I walked down the aisle planning the divorce in my head!

Don't do it, marriage is a much much bigger knot to get out of than a relationship