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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spying on whatsap

331 replies

Lucyloo2222 · 11/02/2016 15:36

Hi does anyone know if my activity can be looked at on whatsap ? My partner is very jealous and seems to know who I've been having conversations with on whatsap . When I get in he always asks have I heard from anyone today and if I miss anyone out he will say their name and ask are you sure you haven't heard from then . He's obsessed every time I use my phone asking 'who is that ? What are they saying ? ' . I was wandering how accessible this information is as he has no access to my phone as I constantly have to change my code . This isn't because I have ever done anything wrong it's just that in the past he has took my phone in the night while I've been asleep and helped himself to what he wants

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 13/02/2016 12:08

lamdobby ... I just felt he was attentive and interested in me rather than not trusting me ... I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he was feeling insecure from splitting with his wife who had an affair .. However I've spoken to her a couple of years ago where she happened to mention how intense he was but it actually didn't bother me after coming out of a relationship myself where my husband couldn't have give two shits where I was . Thanks everyone .
Also, wickedwitch , you are spot on , I found out last night he had gone into LinkedIn and looked at a male friends number and put it in his phone . He also questioned me about a man at work who's surname he knows . I can only imagine he has looked him up on a friends Facebook . Whenever I went on whatsap my partner would always be online ... Waiting . I was convinced he had some kind of bleep that alerted him that I was online .

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/02/2016 12:10

Yes, once he had got you to sell & put everything in with him, plus controlling your income, you are royally totally, impossibly, FUCKED

Thank GOD, you have a house, give the tenants notice in writing TODAY.
Take your lovely boy & get him & yourself as far away as possible from this bastard. Pleading he needs more money, & removing your financial freedom is financial abuse, you then become dependant on him, which is part of the plan.
He may well get increasingly angry & VIOLENT as he feels you changing & slipping out of his control. So in the interim, keep all your precious documents safely at your Mums house, (Not in yours) triple secure all your bank & other log in details. Take your phone & computer & get them checked for spyware. Do not necessarily remove them as he will challenge you. It is information that they have been tampered with that you need. (get it documented)
Keep your head down, prepare your departure, then one day when you have got your house back, You move out. if he then stalks you at home, you go to the police.

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 13/02/2016 12:44

I already started moving documents somewhere a few weeks back . My house is empty at the moment but it's unfurnished . All of my furniture is in the house we are living in right now . I would need to get all if this in one day . The furniture I know probably doesn't matter but it's furniture I have worked hard for and love . I'm not willing to leave it . Trouble is when I go it will need to be quick while he's out of the house which is hardly ever the case . I know he has booked an adventure day with his daughter next week . Thought about doing it then . But then his little girl will come back to no furniture . I don't know when my next opportunity will be x

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 13/02/2016 12:54

You need some support, someone to help you. You need to tell him what you are planning to do though. If you just up and leave, he will come after you, convinced you are leaving him to be with someone else.

Do you have a brother/sister or friend that will help you?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/02/2016 13:08

Pressure the child has a mother with furniture?

She is not your priority!!

You and your children are - take the chance while you can X

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/02/2016 13:11

Darling, if you really, really need to take your furniture with you then your next opportunity is next week while he's out of the house. DO IT! Please, do not delay or you might not have another chance. Ever.

In your shoes, I'd rather sleep on the bloody floor without a stick to my name (been there, done that and it's not so bad, it really isn't) than endure any more of his paranoia and controlling. He's sick in the head and a danger to you. He's your enemy now and always has been.

Take care of yourself, lovely.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/02/2016 13:17

"You need to tell him what you are planning to do though."

NO! This is the very last thing someone in this situation should do. People so controlling are at their most dangerous when they can see the shackles loosening.

I think the OP should have a chat with the police before she escapes, so steps can be taken to discourage him from contacting her once she's gone. He's not going to take this lightly by any stretch of the imagination

IguanaTail · 13/02/2016 13:28

God the man's unhinged.

Can you take your car to a garage like Kwik fit and ask them to check it all over for a tracking device? Maybe pay for the oil to be checked at the same time if you need a short term receipt. If you don't have find my iPhone then he must have a tracker device on it because he keeps bloody well hunting you down.

It's psychotic.

Get the hell out. Forget the furniture short term at least. You're more important.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 13:34

Lucy, it always takes a series of events, seldom is anything that obvious in the early stages.

I think you do need to recover your furniture whenever the first safe opportunity arises, regardless of his daughter. Is it literally all your furniture?

Don't forget to change all your passwords, including your Apple ID.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/02/2016 13:40

I'm so glad to read you're planning to get out

What you said about being "caught" on your phone in the car, and how it made you look guilty of secret texting, is really quite scary.

From my point of view, sitting in a car on your phone is normal. If dh got home as I was sat there texting someone, he'd just smile and wave. There wouldn't be an iota of suspicion from him.

The fact that you felt guilt, that you felt like him catching you on the phone out of the house in any way justified his behaviour, shows how much he has gotten into your head.

Don't tell him you're leaving. Go. Take your furniture. This is the time.

You are already so squashed. So contained by his demands on you. You must feel suffocated.

I hope you are free soon Flowers

IguanaTail · 13/02/2016 13:43

It's like a horror movie - every time you're somewhere that he hasn't planned and dictated, the Stasi arrives screeching up next to you and interrogating you. Jesus.

Orrla · 13/02/2016 13:44

I know you've uninstalled it, but I can log into Whatsapp Web in work, by scanning my QR code. That will stay logged in until I go to the 3 little dots, tap on whatsapp Web (you might need to do this twice, some little glitch I think) then tap on "log out from all computers"

If its another kind of spyware, I'm out of ideas, I'm afraid.

The nature of my job is that I regularly have to work late at short notice. In an office that's primarily males. If I've been too busy to text DH to mention it, then he might text "are you working late?" after a few hours. His only concern is that I wasn't in an accident on the way home, and usually follows up by asking me to get X in the shop on the way home if he needs something. That's a normal level of concern.

Buzzardbird · 13/02/2016 13:47

I said that because my mistake was not telling him what I was doing. He came after me and broke into my house with an axe. He was convinced I was with someone else.

I would contact Women's Aid (didn't know about it then) if there is any chance he could be violent.

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 13/02/2016 13:59

Thanks . Have logged out from wjatsapp . I've never seen him violent he's always calm and makes out what he said was within reason .

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 13/02/2016 14:14

I hadn't either Lucy until he was in a situation where I wanted to leave.

lamiashiro · 13/02/2016 14:22

Yes, Lucy, they always make it sound logical and reasonable so you doubt yourself more. See also telling you you're mentally ill or hysterical or wrong in the head and only he can help you.

mix56 · 13/02/2016 16:35

If there is a lot of furniture, do you need a removal van ? if so, there would be a few blokes to keep him at bay if he got nasty.

Could you ring WA or the domestic violence number for the police & ask what is the best way to deal with this ?

Otherwise, You can move your stuff while he is out, & text that the situation isn't working for you anymore & that you have left, removed your belongings.& any emails & calls will be ignored. Any stalking & you will get a non mol.& so maybe he should consider this before he takes his daughter home.

He presumably knows where the other house is, SO, you could go & stay with someone for a while, giving you time to make sure of security in your house etc ?

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 13/02/2016 18:41

Lucy, my sister is a police officer and frequently attends at properties to prevent a Breach of the Peace by others (ie harassment or worse) while women remove their belongings so your situation is very common.

I have spoken to her about your thread and she feels very strongly that you should use the on-emergency line and ask to speak to an officer about your partner's behaviour as then it is logged in the system. She is emphatic that his actions are common to men who sometimes go on to be a very real danger to their partners/former partners so you MUST view his actions through this lens. The police will also check your vehicle for trackers if you have notified them of your concerns.

Please, please listen to the advice on here - he may act in a 'calm' manner and have displayed no anger but his paranoia is very dangerous to you. Please get out and go NC - break out of your current imprionment because that is what it is and when you are free of him you will be able to see him for what he truly is. Incidentally, as others have already said on the thread, his behaviour is now recognised as a criminal offence.

Thinking of you and willing you to stand firm for both your and your DS's sake.

mrswishywashy1 · 13/02/2016 19:09

Good luck op Flowers

tiredvommachine · 13/02/2016 20:00

Horrible situation OP. You take care x

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/02/2016 21:50

"Fuck sake OP, he's not wired up right"
^ This. He's a nutter. Defective. Get rid of him.

"Have you ever watched 'Murdered by my boyfriend'?"
It was awful wasn't it. Poor poor woman. It's the first thing I thought of reading OP's posts. Chilling stuff.

PregnantAndEngaged · 13/02/2016 22:32

This is worrying behaviour. Leave before he starts hurting you in some way. Please!

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 14/02/2016 07:08

Thanks Dancingtothemusicoftime I will discuss with police but only just incase because I really don't know if I want them present . I don't want them turning up as it scares me . I think if I have some big removal fellas there he won't retaliate , plus I'm going to do it while I know he's out for the day with DD x

OP posts:
mix56 · 14/02/2016 10:32

Good Plan Lucy. Can you pop round there with a locksmith, & get all the doors & windows & gates checked?
Also you can switch the heating on again/fridge, set up internet. etc.... you'll have to do this in your lunch break (leave phone at work & take a taxi !)

Buzzardbird · 14/02/2016 16:26

If you are going to do this when he is not around make sure you change your lock. Controllers have a habit of having an extra key cut when you are not looking/aware. Controllers tend to be quite intelligent/devious and think of things that you don't.