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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spying on whatsap

331 replies

Lucyloo2222 · 11/02/2016 15:36

Hi does anyone know if my activity can be looked at on whatsap ? My partner is very jealous and seems to know who I've been having conversations with on whatsap . When I get in he always asks have I heard from anyone today and if I miss anyone out he will say their name and ask are you sure you haven't heard from then . He's obsessed every time I use my phone asking 'who is that ? What are they saying ? ' . I was wandering how accessible this information is as he has no access to my phone as I constantly have to change my code . This isn't because I have ever done anything wrong it's just that in the past he has took my phone in the night while I've been asleep and helped himself to what he wants

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 12/02/2016 15:41

Why are you with this sick, sick bastard and why are you exposing your child to his creepy, toxic and near-criminal behavior???!

He's not a partner, he's a disgusting stalker and a controlling abuser.

Please get help.

Fallandfly · 12/02/2016 15:49

Ive been there. I don't realise what was happening, it isn't like they are always like that or we wouldn't get involved. You have done nothing wrong.
I posted the link because seeing it in black and white help to understand it's a real thing. Realising it's not normal and not caused by you is the first, and huge, step. Keep going. If you aren't ready to call womens aid tell someone in real life, it will help immensely.

lanbro · 12/02/2016 15:49

Have you ever watched 'Murdered by my boyfriend'? Extreme stuff, true story, but starts off with the boyfriend needing to know the gf's every move.....

Rainbowlou1 · 12/02/2016 16:12

Murderer by my boyfriend was the most harrowing and moving story ive ever heard and seen...
I hadn't long been out of an extremely violent relationship when I fell into the clutches of my obsessive ex...he got me when I was most vulnerable but I thought he was protecting me and keeping Me safe.
I went on to work with WA and I pray that you have strength to get this man out of your life x

kittybiscuits · 12/02/2016 16:20

He's paranoid. Nothing you can do will appease or reassure him. He is really unstable and shows no sign of admitting his difficulties. There is only one lifejacket in this boat. Please use it for yourself.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 12/02/2016 16:30

I've nothing to add that others haven't said but please please get out of this now.Today. Tell people in rl and get yourself to a place of safety. You owe him nothing.you owe yourself and your son safety, sanity and happiness.The only way you will get that is by getting away.

FishOn · 12/02/2016 16:41

When I was 16 I had a slightly older boyfriend who used to interrogate me if I ever went out without him.. I had to phone when I got home and he'd ask a million questions about who I was out with (always female friends) and where we'd been.

ALWAYS, without fail, he'd ask if I'd kissed anyone Hmm in a 'jokey' way. It wasn't a joke. Usually the phone calls ended with me in tears. Quite soon started to be not worth the bother of going out on my own...

It was fucking exhausting. I was so young! My mother clearly realized what was going on - she gave him a right talking to once, snatched the phone off me Grin

reading this thread has given me an idea of what my life would have been if I'd stayed with him. Terrifying.

glasgowlass · 12/02/2016 16:42

Lucy.
You could be my friend. She is with someone like this right now & has cut all contact with friends of 20+years as he doesn't like them. She's changed so much for him but he's still not happy. She has also just bought them their first house (he doesn't even have a bank account!) miles away from family & friends in a wee village.
She believes his shit about why he checks on her etc, I found out he'd been 'researching' DP & I to, vett us I presume, so had it out with him. Told him he was a paranoid & controlling narcissist...Looks like she's ditched me also as I've only had strained contact with her since(friends for 27 years). I've probably outted myself to anyone who knows me in RL now but who cares. I will be here when she needs me.
Listen, he will never change. He will only get worse. That's no way to live your life. Get away from him when you can. You deserve better. You're worth more!

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 12/02/2016 16:54

Thank you I'm planning it now , thanks all . He has vetted my mates too I think as he knew the surname of a guy I had mentioned from work so I think he had been looking at friends Facebook . I'm not on Facebook anymore for fear of ' friendly ' harassment from him asking me things all about posts

OP posts:
Catphrase · 12/02/2016 16:58

Lucy, love honestly. I can tell you from the other side its lovely.
I now have a lovely life, i can go where i want, see who i want.
When it ended, no one judged no one criticised. I got back in touch with those friends. I didn't tell them the half of it, they knew things were off. Theres a lot that still comes back to me now, things id forgotten and i look back to what was 'normal' and its shocking.
Its left its scars, if I'm not home when I've said i feel awful (he doesn't care as long as he knows we are safe), i still get a bit jittery and panicky and go into 'make it up mode'. I still am paranoid about my phone.
I look back at all the tired arguments, the affect i let it have on my job,on my friends and on the life i should have had. Its sad really sad that i let that 'existence' be my life for so long. But its like a cancer and i let him have enough of my life, I'm not letting him take more.

You know in your heart its not right, you know the life you are living now is not a life, its not the life you deserve. yes it will be bumpy to leave. But only for the short term. He will ramp it up, he will accuse you of all sorts, he will kick off, he probably will threaten suicide. But do you know what, mine didn't go through with it and i would bet you yours won't either and even so thats their decision to make. He doesn't like you talking to your friends as he knows his behaviour is shit, and he knows they will tell you and you might go. He knows your too good for him and this blackmail and co-erceive controlling is the only way to hold onto you.
Life on the other side is bloody brilliant. I could even go on nights out with work colleagues and shock horror give the men a lift home!! I lost ALOT financially, but that was a bargain for my freedom. There is now police protection his behaviour is a crime, if he ramps it up to stalking and harassment once you've split thats a crime too.
Don't make this be your life forever. Get your ducks in a row and get him gone NOW. Before your son thinks this is how a relationship should be (mine learnt his behaviour from his father and it was his mum who eventually got me to leave on the basis that she had lived her life like it, and she didn't want me to live it too).

Catphrase · 12/02/2016 17:06

Lucy, you know the dropping you at work is also about marking his territory. The coffee is making sure everyone see's you belong to him, that your marked as his. I bet he makes a big fuss if any men say hello to you
"i don't like him, i don't like the way he looks at you"

Lets not forget the age old "no one will ever love you as much as i love you"
They will, they will love you for being you, not point out your faults and try and change you, they will love you and encourage you to be you, they will encourage you to see your friends, they will make an effort with your friends and family. most of all, they will let you breath, let you be YOU.

blindsider · 12/02/2016 17:08

Catphrase

Great post - glad you are happy now.

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 12/02/2016 17:24

Yea thanks for taking the time to reply catphrase has given me lots to think about . The people I work with are predominantly women who I work with but there are a bunch of security blokes there he is always harping on about and he's quite happy the ones he has seen are what he calls ' big and daft '

OP posts:
Catphrase · 12/02/2016 17:37

There will come a point, it might not be today. It might not be this month, or even this year. Where you feel enough is enough and thats your lightbulb moment to finish it.
His behaviour will be the same if that is today or next year, it won't be better to wait so he kicks off less. All that will happen is you will waste more of your life living like this.
When your lightbulb moment happens you will feel strong enough to do it, you will feel strong enough to deal with that short term barrage (I hate to be honest but theres no point pretending he will take it lightly!). Think of it like ripping off a plaster, it will sting but after, the skin is all lovely and new. Eventually, its all healed and its like there was never something there to cause you pain.

Good luck and in the mean time keep your phone clean & internet history deleted xxxx

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 12/02/2016 17:39

Cxxxxxx

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 12/02/2016 20:22

Has he said yet " it's not you I don't trust, it's them"?

mix56 · 12/02/2016 20:47

No time to lose......Sorry, this is affecting your son also.

SecretWitch · 12/02/2016 23:25

Thinking about you tonight Flowers

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 13/02/2016 00:57

No he just says its me he doesn't trust Confused

OP posts:
sykadelic · 13/02/2016 04:46

This reminds me of a thread I can't find at the moment, where the OP had a similar "he seems to know stuff" vibe. It turned out that her DH had installed a recording software on her phone and it recorded at certain intervals and sent them to his computer. He'd then check them. He'd been doing it for years. She realised when he would mention things that she hadn't told him....

I would factory reset your phone, or get a new one. I'd be betting he has some software on there that tracks your location as well as probably some "activity" one.

mix56 · 13/02/2016 09:12

"He doesn't trust me"....... So you aren't allowed to change your mind, go shopping, talk to anyone, even stop the car to text, because he will jump out at you, as he is clearly stalking you, he has ostracised you from your friends,
He accuses you of lying, he surveys every move, he goes through your phone.
Does he access you bank account, control finances ?
WHOSE HOUSE are you living in ? is your child HIS too ?

You are being emotionally abused, this is miserable for you, although it sounds you are so conditioned you have doubts who is wrong.
Get out of this relationship.being stalked, accused, & downtrodden daily will destroy your life.

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 13/02/2016 11:03

Not sure if anyone has suggested this but my ex used to put all of my male friends numbers into his phone so he could see via his own Whatsapp if they were online while I was, which might be why he can boldly suggest who you are messaging but not the contents.

Also, leave him. It is no way to live x

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 11:08

And has he always not trusted you from the get go?

Original poster
Lucyloo2222 · 13/02/2016 11:22

It's his house and my children . I have a house I rent out so its security . I give him money towards house each month . He wants me to sell mine to put into renovating ours . But I won't be on mortgage ladder then . I won't give him control over my money . He asks me for half the money to the outgoings but he is on a substantially amount more money than me . I say I can't give him all of the money each month because it's too much but he hounds me for it recently . In the beginning when he bought the house , I said the outgoings are a lot and he said that he would support me but now he just says he'd skint and needs it for his daughters school fees . I could go on and on . I'm not trapped, my head is just coming above water and I'm seeing things more clearly so I'm planning to go now . It's been hard as I've been so in love with him . Starting the post with the whatsap question was just the beginning of me realising its at an end x

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 13/02/2016 11:40

What he has done to you already is nothing compared to his future plans. Is there a tenant in your house? How much notice do you need to give? I'm glad you are not trapped.