The difference between sex & making love

[Exasperatedmrs]

After 15 years of pretty regular sex with dh I've become frustrated. I don't feel emotionally connected during sex. I've tried to be 'loving & gentle' towards him to guide him towards what I'm looking for. He doesn't make eye contact, there's no deep meaningful gazes, no gentle stroking of my hair or face, no gentle kisses on my face, no handholding, no gentle stroking with his fingertips. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's me- I've tried to explain how I feel but he doesn't seem to 'get it'. Don't get me wrong. Sex can be very good with him but sometimes it's porn like when all I want is to feel really loved & cherished. I feel that I could be anyone, not special. He has a high sex drive,was way too into porn in the past & has had an affair while married to me. Do all/most married women get what I'm not getting or aibu?

[Exasperatedmrs]

My sincere apologies to everyone. He's packing as I type. I was crying when he came in he took the tablet out my hand & read it. I'm genuinely very sorry.

[Yseulte]

No I think it's just the OP.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't be sorry
He's a real bastard. Why is he packing?

[Yseulte]

Xpost. Hmmm...

[Exasperatedmrs]

No it was him who replied to you not me pretending to be him. I re read the thread over & over & can see the situation is making me ill. At his own suggestion he's gone to his parents to give me time on my own. thanks to those who helped me today.

[HandyWoman]

That's a really good step, OP, have you got a good friend who could come round?

[goddessofsmallthings]

He's gone to his dps to watch more porn be fawned over and told how wonderful he is because they're the only ones who think he's worth more than shit on your shoe, OP.

[NewLife4Me]

Sex and making love are surely the same thing, well to me they are.
If you love somebody you are making love to them whilst you're having sex.
OP, you're dh is not emotionally there whether you call it making love or sex.
If he is incapable of giving you eye contact and doing all the lovely things you need, then you need to tell him.
Don't direct him and let him try to interpret what you want, tell him directly.
Maybe he has just become complacent and stopped making the effort, it doesn't mean he necessarily doesn't love you anymore.
However, the high sex drive comments are bull shit and the fact he had an affair and is treating you like this should be enough to call it a day unless he changes pretty damn quick.

[NewLife4Me]

Sorry, missed your last post OP.
Well good riddance to him then.

[Millliii]

Exasperate I think it's a good thing for you that he has gone to stay elsewhere for now. I know it hurts but once you get over the shock of it you will start to see the wood through the trees. A month or so would be brilliant. You can then find yourself again and decide how to proceed with your husband and the relationship if you want to. It will also give him time and space to appreciate what he could so easily lose. You will be ok, honest

[Lightbulbon]

That's good news that he's moved out.

The reason he doesn't 'make love' to you is because he doesn't love you.

You deserve love.

Today you are one day closer to being loved and adored by someone who deserves you.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

This is the space you need to process the affair. The knee jerk reaction. After finding out is often 'we can get through this, I don't want to split up, he's mine, I'm fighting for him' etc (been there done that) but you really do need space. In my case we split a few months later for similar reasons to you as in he wasn't doing what he should have been to repair the marriage but with hindsight it was the right thing to do (easy to say 4 years on!)

[ShortandSweeter]

Whatever you call it, it's still the same thing. They call it tener relaciones sexuales in Spain. Is that wrong? Pointless argument.

[moopymoodle]

It sounds like he just doesn't know how to connect emotionally during sex. To me (I hate this term too) making love feels like in that moment they feel extreme gratitude for your entire being, and vice versa. Sex isn't always like that for me and my DH, we sometimes just enjoy getting eachother off and the excitement of it. However now and again it's really loving, slow and full of emotional connection.

If you really want to make it work then talk to him, don't dictate what he has to do as if he does it then it won't feel genuine. Try building on the cuddling, the closeness without sex. Some people though just don't need emotional connection with sex hmmm.

[PoundingTheStreets]

Things have clearly moved on but the best sex - including using it as an expression of love - starts in the head, not the genitals. It's all about building the excitement/longing/love. That's why so much porn actually destroys the emotional link with sex and reduces the watcher's ability to get turned on and climax in the context of a normal relationship.