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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The difference between sex & making love

141 replies

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 15:07

After 15 years of pretty regular sex with dh I've become frustrated. I don't feel emotionally connected during sex. I've tried to be 'loving & gentle' towards him to guide him towards what I'm looking for. He doesn't make eye contact, there's no deep meaningful gazes, no gentle stroking of my hair or face, no gentle kisses on my face, no handholding, no gentle stroking with his fingertips. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's me- I've tried to explain how I feel but he doesn't seem to 'get it'. Don't get me wrong. Sex can be very good with him but sometimes it's porn like when all I want is to feel really loved & cherished. I feel that I could be anyone, not special. He has a high sex drive,was way too into porn in the past & has had an affair while married to me. Do all/most married women get what I'm not getting or aibu?

OP posts:

handslikecowstits · 10/02/2016 17:58

No, you need it because your self esteem is on the floor and you don't like yourself very much. Don't you think you deserve a better husband? I do.

NotSleepyAtAll · 10/02/2016 18:02

My thoughts exactly Twinkle, the majority of women don't want dirty/porny sex, certainly not as the majority of the sex they have.

You need to talk to him and tell him what it is that you want and like, if you don't then you need to accept that the next 15 years are going to be the same porny sex.

YANBU to want mutually pleasing sex.

summerwinterton · 10/02/2016 18:21

Erm not all men use porn. Why do you tolerate such shite?

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 18:49

He no longer uses porn & hasnt during our time together, it was in his past he admits having a problem with it. He recently did a sex addict test online where a score over 6 means there's an issue - I didn't watch him do it or ask what his answers were but he says he did it honestly and his score was 12.

OP posts:

usual · 10/02/2016 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 10/02/2016 19:29

He just sounds quite oafish and intensitive OP, the way he has sex is partly his personality, partly selfishness and partly porn brainwashing.

Twinklestein · 10/02/2016 19:32

Have you considered that your low self esteem is linked to his sexual behaviour?

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 19:33

I think my low self esteem is because he had an affair twinkle

OP posts:

Ikeameatballs · 10/02/2016 19:40

Is he handholding, stroking, gazing into your eyes etc at other times?

I suspect not and that what you want in bed isn't his "natural state" at all and to get there, if he wants to as well as you, will involve little bits of reconnection of the physical with the emotional before you see any changes in sex.

Twinklestein · 10/02/2016 19:40

Which is his sexual behaviour...

This is all having a negative impact on you.

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 19:47

He holds my hand when we go out for a walk, but no there's not much eye contact sadly. He can be tactile with others which makes me sad, he's admitted to giving female colleagues a hug now & again. Maybe 'its' just not there for him the way it is for me.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 10/02/2016 20:18

You sound so resigned to this shit, why is that?
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever shit they throw at you.
The most telling thing you've posted is about knowing he's lying because his lips are moving-why the fuck would you stay with this man?
Aim higher OP, you deserve better.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 20:28

ugh

he sounds fucking horrible

how much more shit treatment are you prepared to take for the sake of a relationship with this sexually incontinent twat ?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 20:29

what's the difference between a husband and cheating piece of shit ?

nothing in his case

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 20:39

When the affair was exposed last June I didn't ask him to leave, I wanted to work things out. He says the affair was just about sex, there was no intention to leave me for her & she didn't want him anyway. The affair had just ended when it was exposed. I decided to give it a year- if i didn't feel better by June this year it would be time to call it a day. However, although there's still lots of work to do on his part, I don't want to seperate. I'd love nothing better than for me to be able to get over it- but I admit I'm struggling.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 20:45

Why would you "get over it" ?

he tells you that the sex you are not even enjoying is the same type of sex he had with the OW

he doesn't listen when you try and talk to him

he continues to jackhammer away even when it must be clear you are simply enduring it

I wouldn't give it until June, love

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 20:54

I suppose you've all answered my original question then- that yes there is a difference between sex & making love, that marital sex should have a closeness & deeper feeling than stolen moments in an illicit relationship. I thought so, I knew I wasn't getting something I should have had.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 20:57

I think you are right. You are being shortchanged. It shouldn't be like this is a so-called loving long term relationship. He is treating you no better than a blow up doll.

Klaptout · 10/02/2016 21:08

Sounds like sex is something that is done to you rather than with you.

Original poster

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 21:16

No Klaptout it's not really like that, I am always a willing partner & do enjoy it to some extent,but as I've said just now & again I wanted to feel really loved. If I've made him sound like a monster that wasn't what I set out to do. The sex we have would be fine - if balanced with loving sex too but I don't feel it is.

OP posts:

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/02/2016 21:39

If he's taking his cue from porn, then it's no wonder he is like he is. Porn is always about the guys satisfaction : as soon as he's "done", it's over (what about the woman FFS?) Pron is made by men, for men. And therein lies the problem.

Fwiw, I don't believe that he hasn't used Porn, in the 15 years you've been together. In that time, the internet has exploded and availability of Porn has increased exponentially. I can't believe that he hasn't capitalised on that.

Sorry, this doesn't offer any solution.

Is he loving and romantic in other ways?

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/02/2016 21:40

Pfft Pron....Porn!

silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 10/02/2016 21:55

The difference between the two isn't measured by the contrasts in however they are labelled (fucking, love making etc). It is more subtle than that - it is a feeling.

You know when your glasses are dirty because you cannot see out of them. When they are crystal clear you can see the horizon in sharp detail. That's the difference.

If a bloke habitually looks at porn then his view is going to be distorted, his 'vision', his ability to connect at a deeper level, gradually erodes away. We all make choices, if he is still young enough to get hard he still has a working brain on him and he needs to use it.

silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 10/02/2016 22:00

And tell him you do not like what he is doing. That porn is fiction, and that most women are coerced and worse into it because its the only way to keep themselves out of poverty. In eastern european countries and Russia where the minimum wage is about £1.25 an hour and a person working in a shop 40-50 hours a week brings home £250 a month and a school teacher brings home £5,000 per annum it is no surprise that for many they see porn industry as the only way out. That's more than just coercion that is despair.

howtoexplain · 10/02/2016 22:24

I totally get it exasperated. I would just like to feel wanted and loved for me. Not just for a fuck. Sorry no real answers

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