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Original poster

The difference between sex & making love

141 replies

Exasperatedmrs · 10/02/2016 15:07

After 15 years of pretty regular sex with dh I've become frustrated. I don't feel emotionally connected during sex. I've tried to be 'loving & gentle' towards him to guide him towards what I'm looking for. He doesn't make eye contact, there's no deep meaningful gazes, no gentle stroking of my hair or face, no gentle kisses on my face, no handholding, no gentle stroking with his fingertips. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's me- I've tried to explain how I feel but he doesn't seem to 'get it'. Don't get me wrong. Sex can be very good with him but sometimes it's porn like when all I want is to feel really loved & cherished. I feel that I could be anyone, not special. He has a high sex drive,was way too into porn in the past & has had an affair while married to me. Do all/most married women get what I'm not getting or aibu?

OP posts:
SnowBallsAreHere · 11/02/2016 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 09:42

That's exactly it i was prepared to put up with his foibles but no not now. I've suggested couples counselling & he's not enthusiastic. (Surprise surprise) he says I've helped him enormously over the last few months, he fails to see tho that in helping him I've neglected myself.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 11/02/2016 09:49

What's your plan for the next time he finds sex too hard to refuse?

As pp stated, signng the house over is a grand meaningless jesture.

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 09:52

I hope there won't be a next time, he says he has learnt his lesson & I want to believe him. Yes I think he does have problems with emotions, he's not totally cold tho- give him a couple of nephews & a box of Lego & he's in heaven, it's when it comes to me & trying to show me he loves me he can't. Porn has a lot to answer for. For him sex & love are not connected necessarily.

OP posts:
Cnmorgan13 · 11/02/2016 09:54

Just throwing an idea into the ring. You are not happy, say sex is off the menu. You want romance, dates, wine and dining. you want to be wooed

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 10:02

Possibly. He says I never was 'high maintainance', I would've been just as happy with chips in a bag as expensive dining. The wooing I'm looking for doesn't even involve spending cash, I want to be close, much closer than we were.

OP posts:
SnowBallsAreHere · 11/02/2016 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyDoesGastonBark · 11/02/2016 10:13

You are kidding yourself if you think you are after something that doesn't exist... I don't like the term 'making love' but the day my husband stops showing me affection during sex is the day he stops getting sex full stop. It sounds like your husband is a randy 17 year old boy!

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 10:16

Yes I've always expected his randiness/ sex drive (whatever you want to call it) so slow down but no it's like he's 18! He's the hairiest man ever- is there a link? Testosterone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 10:25

Snowballs thankyou good advice. It helps to get opinions from complete strangers, talking to people I know doesn't really help because I know they won't tell me honestly as they don't want to interfere, so this has been helpful/ thankyou.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 11/02/2016 10:26

It's not the testosterone love, it's the emotional void.

Sorry.

My marriage ended after 14 years at which point I had to accept that the man I married actually wasn't capable of an emotionally close, respectful, supportive collaborative relationship.

At the moment your inner self is screaming 'I have needs' - into a vacuum. That's why you have posted.

The solution is to figure how to get your needs met. Probably not with this infantile self-obsessed cheater.

Millliii · 11/02/2016 11:23

You said he was more into her than she was into him! In other words he felt in love with her? You need to separate from him. Tell him you need time alone to process what happened and see if YOU can move past it.

This will give him a kick up the Arse to see and feel the consequences of his actions. If he wants to fight for you and what you had then he will want to move heaven and earth to get you back. He will "court" you and date you. He will be a changed man because he will realise what he could lose. He will " make love " to you and not be so apathetic and emotionally distant because he will truly have realised that you are what he wants OR he won't try hard and will just continue in his way and may even decide it's the perfect time to shag other women. But you will know and find out if he is really passionate about you or not.
Of course "making love" is real. It's that closeness when your having sex and he is looking into your eyes, touching you tenderly and being emotionally connected to you. It's different from a quick shag.

ElllieB1 · 11/02/2016 11:32

Does he give you any of the affection you want? Hugs on the sofa? Kisses without sex?

Millliii · 11/02/2016 11:33

After an affair he should be moving mountains to show you he cares. He says you have helped him but who has helped you? No one. Are you sure that his affair is actually over??

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 12:35

The affair is most definitely over, as I said she has moved on to her next target who is not available either. He says he did not fall in love with her. He can separate sex & love. She provided sex in the workplace & also invited him to her home on numerous occasions for sex. This is what appealed to him. She was not interested in him in the least other than sex. She did not want to know about his relationship with me - she just wasn't interested. In her own words "she didn't want anything from him". She would lie on a table for him to perform oral on her , she would sit in a chair spread eagled for him to perform oral on her. They also had penetrative sex. Him being the way he is thought he was starring in a porn film & was obviously very aroused by it. He says it wasn't 'her' it was the thrill of illicit behaviour which kept him going back.

OP posts:
Millliii · 11/02/2016 12:39

But you did mention he was more into her than she was him? You only will hear what he wants you to hear though. He can spin it however he wants. What you want and need are actions. What about him moving out for a bit so you can see if he will fight for your relationship.

Millliii · 11/02/2016 12:41

Affairs take their toll so what is he doing to prove he wants to be with you and start again. It's never going to be the same innocent relationship it was but it can go on to be so much better.

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 13:10

Milli whenI say he was more into her it was because of the no strings sex she was providing him with. She 'allowed' him to use her basically. She did not return oral sex but for him giving is better. No he's not moving heaven & earth, he doesn't know how.

OP posts:
Millliii · 11/02/2016 13:19

How old is he ?

Millliii · 11/02/2016 13:20

What does he do to show you he is sorry for the affair and the utter pain he caused you Op

cupcakesandwine · 11/02/2016 13:21

"I had to accept that the man I married actually wasn't capable of an emotionally close, respectful, supportive collaborative relationship."

Yes this, definitely. I adored my ex for years even though he was always a bit of an emotional void. I attributed him with all the love, caring and supportiveness I felt towards him. He never felt any of that for me, in fact with hindsight I would say he felt pretty contemptuous of me, but he liked the fact I earned a lot of money. Eventually his blatant cheating drove me to divorce him.

It is only now, a few years down the line that I can look at him and think "What the hell were you doing cupcakes, that is one seriously damaged individual - he is never going to love anyone but himself". He would never have had any of those four essential characteristics a PP mentioned, but I fooled myself that he did and the more he showed himself incapable, the harder I tried for both of us.

Point is, when you are in one of those relationships it is really hard to see it. Only distance gives perspective.

Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 13:31

He's 42. Ow was early 20's. What does he do to show me he's sorry & cares? Because of his new job he has weekends off so he spends time with me going for walks instead of wanting to watch football. E has tried very hard to be more loving towards me is, massages before sex but once he gets horny the sex kind of descends into porm again. He starts off with good intentions but seems to get kinda carried away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exasperatedmrs · 11/02/2016 13:33

Sorry for typos. Yes I too fear in years to come I will look back at myself & think "you poor soul".

OP posts:
Millliii · 11/02/2016 13:59

What has he done to show that he is sorry for what happened. He wont go to counselling with you. Why I wonder. Do you have access to all his devices etc. If so that is good. Does he tell you he loves you and do you believe him? Sorry, questions I know but hopefully you can look back at your thread and decide if you want to spend more time with him or not.
Im guessing you don't consider living apart for a while to be a good idea? Why is that though.

Millliii · 11/02/2016 14:07

I gather that he has left his other job because of her so that is good.

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