The difference between sex & making love

[Exasperatedmrs]

After 15 years of pretty regular sex with dh I've become frustrated. I don't feel emotionally connected during sex. I've tried to be 'loving & gentle' towards him to guide him towards what I'm looking for. He doesn't make eye contact, there's no deep meaningful gazes, no gentle stroking of my hair or face, no gentle kisses on my face, no handholding, no gentle stroking with his fingertips. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's me- I've tried to explain how I feel but he doesn't seem to 'get it'. Don't get me wrong. Sex can be very good with him but sometimes it's porn like when all I want is to feel really loved & cherished. I feel that I could be anyone, not special. He has a high sex drive,was way too into porn in the past & has had an affair while married to me. Do all/most married women get what I'm not getting or aibu?

[Exasperatedmrs]

I'll tell you why I don't want to try living apart. Here goes. I've thought long & very hard about this & im sure I'm right. If he left I know he would go straight back to his parents- Who would provide him with rent free accommodation. These are the people who brought him up to believe he was a very important boy who deserves to have whatever he wants , whatever the consequences. I feel I have unraveled some of the mess & I feel going back there would undo any good I've done. They would stroke his ego by telling him he's a good boy & I would probably be flamed by them for asking him to leave. They are fully aware of his unfaithfulness but as I haven't seen them this year I can only assume they want to believe he did what he did because he didn't get looked after by me at home/ either that or they are embarrassed by his behaviour so they don't come to visit any more.

[Exasperatedmrs]

Milli- it wasn't so much a case of him deciding he must leave & get another job. . .

[Millliii]

You believe you have changed him. Have you though. He felt it was ok to have an affair. Its not your job to "try" and change him. You wont anyway, people can only change themselves. It has to come from them.

So why did he feel the need to cheat. Lots of men could cheat if women offer sex to them but they don't. They know its wrong. They are happy at home and make the decision to not persue sex with others.

Do you have children? Was he not getting the sex he wanted from you?

[Exasperatedmrs]

No it's not my job to change him but what I think I have managed to do is explain right from wrong. Yes we have 2 children at home (teens). I've tried to explain why I think he did it- she made it perfectly clear she wanted sex with him without any expectations- this is what appealed to him, illicit behaviour. I can't say I really 'get it' but I understand why she appealed to him. Sex was guaranteed. He now says he might as well have left £ for her.

[TheNaze73]

Not for the first time, I find myself nodding in agreement with milliiii Men get offered sex all the time, I think older women are far more promiscuous than guys but, a man will never accept it, if he's 100% happy & getting all he needs. My friends are a mixed bunch, the happy ones, wouldn't dream of it. What he did was so wrong to you. He should have talked to you about his issue, not strayed. That's inforgivable IMO

[DrMorbius]

Op - You keep going on about this siren offering your DH sex. Proabably most married men and practically every single married woman on this site could engineer a situation whereby "no strings" sex was available. You make her offer to your DH sound like something no mortal could resist. FFS it happens every day, but 99% of people just say no.

Quite simply he accepted her offer of sex because the consequences of his actions were acceptable to him. If you think that is love, you are even more deluded than I already think you are (believe me that's nearly impossible).
At least accept the truth, she offered "a quick one over the desk" and then meant more to him that your marriage. At least let's call a spade a spade and stop all this blaming the "other woman" led him astray crap.

[Twinklestein]

Who's to say she didn't accept his offer of sex?

Are you sure this is his only affair OP?

[TempusEedjit]

OP you mentioned upthread that he said he's learnt his lesson - how exactly? What consequences/hardship did he suffer as a result of you finding out about the affair (and how did you find out?)

[HandyWoman]

If you can't risk the poor little lamb going back to the bosom of his family and being adversely influenced, then your marriage is already flimsy at best. If you have in fact married a child (and I believe you have, and your comment about him being influenced by his parents confirms this) then you are on a hiding to nothing. This is a 'man' whose sexual behaviour is immature and who is not capable of an adult-adult relationship. By all means flog this dead horse but I feel it's only a matter of time before this all gets more and more upsetting and frustrating for you. Your self-esteem will wither away in the meantime.

You are not his parent or his keeper. You cannot change him or make him grow up.

[Exasperatedmrs]

I've already said I do not exonerate him of all blame his behaviour has been dreadful, I mentioned some details of their sexual relations in an attempt to portray how he feels about sex. He's had problems with porn which may be e result of his behaviour. Both of them were to blame/ intact he's worse than her he's the married one! Believe me I know this! I was trying to give you a picture of his attitude towards sex & women in general. I believe he has paid for it to an extent in that he publicly humiliated himself in the way it all came out & was sacked. He has to look at the wife & family he betrayed every day. Me disclosing details was only intended to give you a picture of what turns him on. I know they both behaved like dogs. I know lots of men turn down offers of sex all the time- sadly mine isn't one of them, he couldn't say no. I've seen the texts she sent telling him to come to the photocopying room - she offered sex on a plate/ my issue is why couldn't he say no?! My issues not with her. I think he could do with sex therapy - or am wrong about that too?

[Obs2016]

Drip drip drip. Op doesn't seem to be able to see the true picture here.
Is this a joke? Open your eyes op.

[Exasperatedmrs]

Thanks to all who tried to help me, but it's time for me to bow out now. Maybe I wasn't being clear, I wanted help to understand what makes him tick. No this is certainly no joke, not to me. To flame someone who is in the worst emotional state of her life certainly isn't what I was looking for.

[TempusEedjit]

So he's not actually learnt his lesson then has he, well not from you anyway. All he'll do next time is stick to having an affair with someone who poses no threat regarding his job etc.

You want to be made love to by someone who doesn't actually love you. No wonder it's not been happening for you.

[AmyAmoeba]

What concerns me OP isn't what he does (different strokes and all that) or why he does it (though I think you're wrong about the porn). What jumps out for me is that you have asked for something that clearly means a lot to you and he has made no effort. To me that speaks volumes.

Whether you call it "good sex" or " making love" is a matter of words, and even if you were the only woman in the entire universe (which you're not) who cared about this, the fact that you do should be reason enough for him to want to please you.

[MatrixReloaded]

I really feel for you Op. The pain of infidelity is excruciating and it takes its toll on your self esteem.

I don't think the issue here is really about him not being loving to you during sex. I think the issue is that he's not having these loving feelings towards you in the first place. You could probably kick up enough fuss that he could pretend to have these feelings and act loving towards you , but that's all it would be. An act.

I know your not in a good place right now , but you need to start thinking about what you need , as a minimum , to stay in this marriage. The old fashioned idea is that cheaters cheat because they're not getting their needs met. I call bullshit. Cheaters typically have all their needs met and they take more than they give. The betrayed spouse however , has often not been having their needs met for a long time. It sounds like you've not been getting what you need for a long time.

Your description of what happened sexually between them made me feel quite ill. How do you know this ? How are you coping with the mind movies about this ?

[AmyAmoeba]

I would have thought that your DH would be bending over backwards to prove himself worth staying with, doing everything in his power to make the affair up to you, and feeling incredibly grateful to still have you at this time but you sound so taken for granted.

I hope I'm not sounding harsh in my posts, I don't mean to.

[Yseulte]

No-one has flamed you OP, they're just trying to make you understand that you're worth so much more than this.

You're telling yourself this relationship is better than it is and that's keeping you in a place that's very painful.

It's ok not to be able to get over an affair. Many, perhaps even most people find they can't.

[Exasperatedmrs]

This is op's husband my wife has shown me this thread.some of your posts have been helpful to my wife , however some of the recent ones are critical of her. My wife should not be criticised for anything , she is trying to come to terms with my horrific behaviour and was just looking for advice all blame with this rests with me and my shortcomings as a human being and a husband

[Fintan]

[firesidechat]

Oh great!

[TempusEedjit]

Aww bless you op's "DH" for caring so much about your wife's feelings

[AnyFucker]

If that is a real post by op's "husband" she just lost the last sane place to get any useful support

And it wasn't because of any perceived "flaming" by respondents here

Op, it's you and your despicable cheating piece of shit against the world isn't it ? You two can see off all manner of predatory oral sex loving females and anyone that wants to see you do better than accepting this dysfunctional twat as any sort of adequate life partner

[clam]

Is there ever, ever a good reason for an op to show her cheating arsehole of a dp a thread in Relationships?

[AnyFucker]

Nope