Nothing shows he cares like sending me out late in the dark

[Musicmay]

So when it comes to taking the dog out over the park before she settles for the night my husband thinks it's fine for him to stay at home and make me go over in the pitch black. Bear in mind I'm the only one who takes her on decent walks every day (not an issue I love it) so its not a case of me not doing my fair share of taking her out.
Also on holiday recently we go back to the hotel after dark in a foreign country and had forgotten to buy something for our child. So he was on the phone sorting something out and refused to go. Said nothing like "take your phone so I know you are ok", nothing.

I honestly have never been with anyone before that would not worry in the slightest and actively tells me to go out in the dark, whethere its 7am or 1am!.
I've spoken to him about it but he does genuinely not get it. I actually feel like if he really couldn't care less about my safety I want to leave him!
Am I being precious or is this really not on?!

Slow decrease I take massive offence to your suggestion that I don't want the dog. She is absolutly loved and we'll looked after and it's one of my pleasures in life to take her for walks and she goes most places with me in the day and I wouldn't be without her. Why on mumsnet are there always loads of people avoiding the issue raised and looking for clever little ways to make assumptions based on absolutely nothing. Please stop looking for issues that are not there. I came on here to ask opinions on a straight forward issue and if you can't understand the question please don't waste your time looking for imaginary scenarios that absolutly do not exist.

I agree in that I too would feel that it shows a basic lack of concern. It doesn't matter whether other women would be fine about walking in the park late at night - you aren't. And frankly, having a phone on you won't help much if someone went for you.

But that said, I would stop taking him out at night anyway. We just stick ours on the extendable lead at the front door and let him have a wee in the front garden. Then I can see that he's done one, and there's no opportunity for him to dig holes/wander off/chase next door's cat etc.. He gets other walks during the day (before the dog police on here pounce), so that's fine.

Doesn't change the issue of your dh being difficult though.

Has you dp done much travelling op?

It's a bit pointless to bring up the old 'men are twice as likely to be attacked' thing. If we all lived by that then we'd all be walking men home after dark and teaching our daughters always to make sure their boyfriends were home safe then walk home alone as its statistically safer.

Men may indeed be more likely to be attacked but are at almost zero risk of stranger rape. It's not mugging or a punch in the face we're taking about here, it's sexual assault and rape. One is much more frightening than the other.

I never ever said you didn't want the dog btw I said does you dp not want the dog.

So please don't be massively offended at something I didn't say that you've misunderstood.

He has done quite alot of travelling

Ok, sorry I misunderstood. He does want the dog but isn't as bothered about her getting all the walks she needs as I am

Ok so with regards to the travelling the reason I asked is this: my dp has travelled the world a couple of times - what I notice about him is he's caring but not particularly chivalrous towards me as a woman as such - I think this is because on his travels he mixed with an awful lot of very independent single women travellers doing it all on their own and I think its shaped him to just let women get on with it, ie he expects them to be independent and quite enjoys and respects women who are. I think it rubs off on them I truly do and effects the credit they give to you that you can look after yourself. He may of course just be a solely lazy arse but I do think it has a bearing.

And I'm assuming you have a greyhound then , adorable beautiful dogs

We went walking last week and I hinted he might fancy cleaning my boots for me afterwards (with me being a woman and all that) his answer was a firm "do it your bloody self!" Which was fair enough I suppose he does bring me tea in bed though so swings and roundabouts!!!

U2hastheedge gets the point. I really don't know what's with all the feminist comments?! And people no longer care to check if their loved ones have arrived home safely after a night out?! Things have certainly changed and not for the better!

Maybe you are right. Funny thing is I am one of those women, travelled alot on my own moved away on my own etc (believe it or not,I'm not as pathetic as I seemed to have come across!) so maybe you ae onto something I just don't get this attitude towards what I thought was pretty standard to be bothered about your partner out in the dark in a quiet place when you know they don't like it. I'm trying to understand it but it just doesn't make sense to me. He's not generally lazy but does lack empathy sometimes. Maybe that's it. It's not really worth leaving him over and I wont as I said while upset but I would prefer a bit of thoughtfulness and a tiny expression of concern and can't help feeling upset that I get the opposite.

We can't put our dog in the garden late at night as if she barks once the neighbours are nasty so it is just not worth the fuss, but I wouldn't go near a park; always walk round the corner making sure to stay near houses. If you can't do that, I can see why you'd feel unhappy about going out.

A few years ago on a family holiday abroad my ex left me and the kids walking through the woods in the dark, thinking he'd gone on ahead, when in fact he'd gone home. When I pointed out that I'd felt abandoned and scared knowing I couldn't protect the kids, he made out that I was making a fuss about nothing. Looking back it seems like just another example of how he really wasn't that bothered about us. Current boyfriend hates me going out in the dark, which I see as a bit OTT if it's a risk I've chosen to take, but it is indeed nice when he acts like he cares.

Yes she is a greyhound she is beautiful 😊

He was probabky massively attracted to the ballsy independent traveller girl in you then

Ravenmum urgh how horrible I can see why he is your ex. It just isn't nice to think your partner couldn't care less about your safety. I will probably never understand it. Concern about someone you care about being out in a vulnerable position just seems natural to me and yes...A nice way to treat your partner. I cannot see anything wrong in that.

"Dp I'm scared about getting attacked when I take dog out at night and I'm bored of feeling that way, why should I? , we both can't go but we both need to sort the dog, so you can do winter bedtime walks and I'll do summer ones. If you can see a reason why that's not a good idea I'm listening other than that lets start tonight ?

You need to tell him that you feel afraid and he needs to do his share of the dog care and take dog out at night.

I think that you should prepare yourself to find out that he really doesn't care that you feel vulnerable and afraid though. :( He is more concerned with him maintaining the status of him relaxing and NOT doing it, than he is with you being afraid.

Nice practical approach Slowdecrease . Would also reveal whether it is just laziness or not.

Is it "just" about this, though Musicmay, or are you feeling like you might have been ignoring signs you weren't really compatible, or hoping it would work anyway? Or that you are only now realising what it is you'd really like in a partner?

Another one here who would check on a friend or family member to make sure they got home safe.

It must seem incredible to some that if I actually drop someone off at their house, I wait until I have seen them unlock their door and go inside. 10 years ago, three weeks before Christmas, I dropped a friend's male friend off outside his house worse for wear. The next day we heard he had been found lying in a beck situated around the back of his house. The verdict was he must have been too drunk to open his door, stumbled about and fell into a beck (it was just like a little stream) and died of hypothermia. He was 25.

I know that is highly unusual and rare circumstances. I won't take chances with anybody anymore.

whose dog is it?

You can train a dog to go in one area of the garden, its hard but it can be done! Does she ever get off lead exercise? If not that will be why is tearing around the garden, she needs to burn off excess energy. You could always take her out in the Garden on a lead though

Your DH maybe doesn't want to tell you he simply can't be arsed with the hassle of having a dog, and he doesn't want to walk the dog late at night either. It's not the best part of owning a dog, and my DP and I take it in turns at night to pop down outside to the pavement to let ours have a wee before bed, that way nobody is walking about in the dark by themselves.

If your DH is generally a caring, non-lazy man and good with your child then maybe it really is as simple as the dog stuff isn't for him, he enjoys the company of a dog etc but the walking isn't his cup of tea.

He also might not just understand how you feel, you need to tell him, if you've travelled the world, and been taking the dog out at night he might think you are okat with it when maybe he just needs a wee chat to let him now it scares you.

I have to admit, I would also be hurt by this. I had a boyfriend when I was young who could not be arsed to walk me home or to the bus stop in the pitch black and I eventually realised that he just didnt care for me at all.

Anyway, this going to upset the feminists my DH would never dream of letting me go out alone in the dark in an area that I felt unsafe in, I guess I am one of those "mollycoddled" women but its what I love about him, he takes care of me and I feel protected and cherished

I get annoyed with this "men are twice as likely to be attacked than women" line - women are constantly reminded of the dangers of being out alone in dangerous areas, so a lot of women will avoid that when they can - they'll take a cab home rather than walk, they will avoid walking alone at night through the park, they'll avoid that dark alleyway if possible. Do you think all the people who will attack a man out at night would not attack if it was a woman?

The stats are "of all the people who were attacked, 2/3 of them were men". They have no way of saying "these are the proportions of all people out at night, and this is how many of them were crime victims". I suspect if we could report that, we'd find that proportionally more women are attacked than men.