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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nothing shows he cares like sending me out late in the dark

156 replies

Musicmay · 07/02/2016 15:02

So when it comes to taking the dog out over the park before she settles for the night my husband thinks it's fine for him to stay at home and make me go over in the pitch black. Bear in mind I'm the only one who takes her on decent walks every day (not an issue I love it) so its not a case of me not doing my fair share of taking her out.
Also on holiday recently we go back to the hotel after dark in a foreign country and had forgotten to buy something for our child. So he was on the phone sorting something out and refused to go. Said nothing like "take your phone so I know you are ok", nothing.

I honestly have never been with anyone before that would not worry in the slightest and actively tells me to go out in the dark, whethere its 7am or 1am!.
I've spoken to him about it but he does genuinely not get it. I actually feel like if he really couldn't care less about my safety I want to leave him!
Am I being precious or is this really not on?!

OP posts:
christmaswreaths · 07/02/2016 20:36

I feel scared living somewhere close to a woman my age walking back from her work in the dark and disappearing never to be found. Really depends where you live, it is very isolated where we are and all the women do give each other lifts and do not tend to walk in the night alone.

Maybe it's different in a big city/urban area

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 07/02/2016 21:33

TheOddity I guess I'm one of the 'deliberately obtuse' Hmm

I run in our local park/woodland. If I didn't feel comfortable doing it I wouldn't continue to do so. I'd find somewhere different to run.

What I wouldn't do is run there and then complain that someone else had let me!

If the op feels there is a genuine threat, there will be other options. Unless she lives in the park, presumably there are roads that are better lit.

MoominPie22 · 07/02/2016 22:01

Playing Devil´s Advocate here....so is it a Chahuahua or similar you have? Cos obv, if you have a big dog which is also an effective guard dog, you´re gonna feel plenty secure that it´s gonna protect you if it senses a threat. So I assume it´s a soppy dog if you´re not feeling safe??

Before you got the dog, why didn´t you discuss how the dog walking would pan out? Cos obv this scenario was always gonna arise. Or did you just presume he´d be taking it out on some evenings?

Do you carry a rape alarm, knife, pepper spray?

There´s usually always others walking their dogs on a night, can´t you go somewhere more busy and let the dog off for a shorter run someplace? Even if it means driving to a different location?

Yes btw, I do think your OH is being slack and should do his share. I also hope he´s shown you some of his moves so you can defend yourself and deck someone´s arse if they try it on with you!

Also, if your shift means you can´t walk the dog til late ( and there´s really no alternative ) is there a neighbour/friend/family member or even paid dog walker you could ask to walk the dog earlier on in the evening?

If it´s a small dog though, I would def make do with the garden. Just make sure it doesn´t did holes. A dog only requires 2 walks a day, right? I´m more of a cat person....Smile

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 07/02/2016 22:13

......."There have been a few reports over the years around here of sexual attacks on women. A girl from school was killed not too far from here and about 5 years ago my sister had a knife to her throat and the attacker tried to lead her to some garages but luckily she screamed as loud as she could and he ran away.".......

Presuming your DH is aware of the above, I find it very odd that he isn't concerned for your safety.

Sallystyle · 07/02/2016 22:35

My dh would hate the idea of me walking in the dark late at night and I wouldn't find it patronising if he reminded me to take my phone, I would remind him to take his as well late at night if he had one and he is built like a brick shit house who doesn't need me to look after him, it's just another way of showing concern. Mind you, I get my mum to text me when she gets home after driving back from mine. DH will pick me up from work at 1.00am so I don't have to bike in the dark.

I am an independent self-sufficient adult who doesn't need looking after but I like it that he cares enough not to want me to walk in the dark late at night. Him caring and worrying doesn't make me into a dependent child who needs mollycoddling. He is not suggesting I'm not capable of walking in the dark because I'm a woman, he would just prefer not to take the small risk when he can pick me up.

AliceInUnderpants · 07/02/2016 22:41

Oh I get it. I'm a single woman and don't leave the house at this time of year between 5pm and 9am. Y'know, just because I don't have a man to look after me Hmm

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 08/02/2016 00:09

keepcool the other way of looking at it is, if the op is aware of that and genuinely scared, why is she walking the dog like that at that time herself anyway?

choceclair123 · 08/02/2016 01:09

I agree with you OP and can understand why you're upset by your husband's lack of help or concern. If you're not comfortable taking the dog out in the dark, why not pop him in the garden instead. If you do go out, at least take a rape alarm or similar with you. I dint think you're being precious, going out in the dark isn't a matter of being independent (or not), I mean, being independent isn't going to help you fight off an attacker is it?!

Kryptonite · 08/02/2016 01:22

Blimey, seems this is really an issue that men are not going to win on either way, really!
If a bloke insisted you stay at home because you were a girl and needed to stay safe after dark, he'd get moaned at and told he was a sexist pig and you wouldn't break if you were allowed out alone.
If he "let" you out alone, and treated you like your own person, then he'd STILL get moaned at as he's not man enough to protect the little lady! Hmm
I'm in the first camp. Being female doesn't render you powerless.
You are allowed out yourself without being told what to do you know.

MadamDeathstare · 08/02/2016 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Musicmay · 08/02/2016 01:52

I think people are not really understanding this. I am grateful for the opinions whether I agree with them or not that actually answer my issue.
I do not want my husband telling me what I can or can't do.
I do not seek permission from him to go out in the dark.
I am not askin him to wrap me up in cotton wool.
I am disappointed that he 1) often does not pull his weight when it comes to taking out the dog as I've stated before this is the only time i ask him to take her out.
2) that he has no concern at all about me going into a dark secluded park on my own with a dog who is gorgeous but soft as hell.

As a single person I would have no choice but to do it myself and I have done it but my point is, I do have a husband who is not at all fazed by going out in the dark, I however am, so why wouldn't he naturally want to go?
Don't get me wrong I am not what you would describe a spoilt precious type of person, far from it but I can't believe people are trying to turn this into a feminist issue. I mean I am all for being independent and do absolutely everything for myself bit putting myself in a vulnerable position in which I don't feel safe does not make me a feminist. Me going out there with a big feminist attitude would not keep me safe if there just so happened to be a sexual attacker about. I think it's more empowering to stay safe to be honest.

OP posts:
bbpp · 08/02/2016 02:34

I get what you're trying to say OP but I think people have misunderstood you because of the way you presented the issue.

Most of your posts have simply been 'Why won't he protect me', which is a non-issue as others have mentioned that statistically, he's more likely to be attacked than you are. I think if this is your main issue then I'm sorry, but you need to get over it.

If you had presented the issue as 'the care of the dog is not fairly split' and 'I'm scared of the dark but my husband makes me take the dog out at night' you'd have likely got much kinder responses. If this is the actual reason and you somehow omitted this information, then you need to refuse to do it until it becomes a 50/50 split at least. Just refuse to do it. Make him clear up the mess the next day.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/02/2016 03:26

I get you OP.

I had a terrifically big labrador, who had this fantastic trick of kind of jumping up on his hind legs if we were walking out in the dark, and walking past someone. I would hoik him back (easily) on his lead, and he would get a treat. Nobody - but nobody - would have even thought about attacking me after that show of strength and obedience. I felt happy to take him out in the dark. He was my favourite dog in the world Sad

However I now have a fluffy spaniel by mistake who is pathetic when we're out and scared of everyone. I don't feel so safe - so I don't take him out in the dark.

Your husband can take the dog out without feeling fearful - you can't.

It's about feeling safe - he does, you don't - and he doesn't care. He still won't take the fecking dog out, or pick up the whatever-it-was you needed for your dc that night. That is the issue.

OP is not making the point that all women shouldn't go out at night, she is saying that her DH doesn't appear to give a damn about her.

Nobody should say to a woman 'you should feel safe going out at night because statistically men are more likely to be attacked' - men are more likely to be attacked because, frankly, there are probably more of them likely to be out and about at night, and those stats include muggings, random fights, gang attacks etc. Women are conditioned from an early age not to - to get cabs, stay in groups etc - because if you go out alone, and are attacked - it's your fault for being out alone. Rightly or wrongly, this is the message that is drummed into women from a very early age.

Equally, of course, nobody should say to a woman you can't/shouldn't go out at night - but the OP is not saying that - she's talking about this personally. Hers is a personal relationship issue of her partner not giving a fuck.

JohnThomas69 · 08/02/2016 03:31

Bbpp that's not the point she's making at all. I think what the op would like to hear is an offer to accompany her, which would be the decent caring thing to do if you're a decent caring man. Whether statistically the odds are higher or not that he would more likely be attacked by some drunken bum, the papers are full of stories of women being sexually assaulted and worse these days. It's generally the first thing that comes to my mind when I see a female wandering the streets late at night and I certainly would not see any of my nearest and dearest going out on there own with the dog at that time while my arse is glued to the couch.

WahhHelpMe · 08/02/2016 03:52

Just because you see that a lot doesn't make it most likely, statistics do, it could just be that these crimes are majorly unreported, I don't see the issue if the dogs already had a walk and you have a garden, let it out in the garden at night? If it was it's only walk then fine but statistics or not I don't see why either of you have to be inconvenienced by doing it at night, and I find the phone thing silly. There are plenty more ways to show affection than treating a partner as a child

Musicmay · 08/02/2016 04:10

Wow I must remind myself to stop texting my friends or sisters after a night out to check they got home safe, I thought I was being a decent friend and all the time I've been treating then like they are children.

OP posts:
Musicmay · 08/02/2016 04:12

Exactly John Thomas thank you that is pretty much it.

OP posts:
Musicmay · 08/02/2016 04:13

And under thank you for getting my point where i feel others are missing it completely.

OP posts:
WahhHelpMe · 08/02/2016 04:37

Except you said you live in a nice quiet area, what exactly do you think would happen if he phoned/text you if something happened? He would likely not be able to get there to stop anything bad happening, and when you text/ring someone to see if they got home safe, even if they hadn't it would be after the fact, and the equivalent to you walking in your door

Musicmay · 08/02/2016 04:52

I would like to think that it would be a bit of reassurance for him to hear from me or to know there is a way of me contacting him or vice versa if need be. It's just basic caring behaviour which I would always give to him or anyone else I cared about. Many times I've felt better if he's been driving a long distance to talk to him and know he was safe even though if anything happened to him there is sod all I would be able to do. It's called caring about somebody. It's not so much about the actual phone that was just an example. It the not being in the slightest bit concerned or showing it in any way shape or form. The phone thing was a small example of how he could express that concern not a specific particular need I have to be told to take my phone!!! I can't see how you can't see this to be honest. It does feel like there a few emotionless robots here that think life is totally black and white and an expression of concern at somebody you love being out in a vulnerable situation they are not comfortable with is a huge act against feminism.

OP posts:
WahhHelpMe · 08/02/2016 05:04

I really don't get it to be honest I'm not emotionless, in fact I suffer from bad anxiety, but and I understand it's just an example but in that circumstance I really don't get it I'm sorry

JohnThomas69 · 08/02/2016 05:07

Yip. I dont get all this feminist equality garb on this thread. Irrelevant nonsense. If the op was referring to her 12 year old daughter and her husbands apparent disregard for her safety when walking the dog would the same rules apply? Because statistically there's still a greater chance of him being attacked.

WahhHelpMe · 08/02/2016 05:17

so are we now saying that a small DD has the same decision making abilities as a full grown woman, because children inherently are not prone to be cautious and over trusting that's why we tell them generally not to talk to strangers, take candy from strangers or go see their dogs and i would rather hope that whilst mistakes are made,and it's not the victims fault, OP has a better gauge and understanding not to interact or be better aware of these tricks.

Holly34 · 08/02/2016 05:56

Dont go there (in the dark) as your already so terrified of the thought. Soon you will become annoyed and it will be easier dealt with now. Let him the lazy arse know your not doubg the walks late at night. It night just ve you beed to stand up for yourself!! Oh and by the way yes he is careless and isn't bothered avout your safety sorry op WineThanks

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 08/02/2016 06:08

John the difference would be that a woman is not the same as a 12 year old girl. There are lots of things he wouldn't let a 12 year old child do because, as an adult and parent, he would have a legal rresponsibility to protect her. The op doesn't need treating like a child. She's an adult. That's the point.

I'm leaving the feminist stuff aside for this one.

This is about choosing to do something as an adult and then moaning that someone else made me do it (if you look at the thread title).

The op still hasn't answered why she can't walk the dog in a more well lit area/along the roads. I wouldn't fancy walking in a dark park because I might trip over something or step in dog shit. So I wouldn't do it. I'd walk up and down the road.

That's what I don't understand. Why you are still walking in the dark park.

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